Help! how do I get out of this housework rut which involves me doing everything?

[HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer]

Even picking up everyone else's dirty washing?

DH has always been a bit lazy in the house but is getting worse and worse now. My DCs won't do anything without a arguing/complaining/crying about it. The youngest is only 2 so obviously a bit young to do chores but the older 2 are 13 and 7. The oldest will make her bed and will tidy her room if asked but is generally messy and the other 2 are extremely messy. DH leaves shoes wherever he is when he takes them off, walks through the kitchen in muddy boots meaning it needs cleaning twice a day, leaves cups, plates and all sorts all round the house, leaves the bath in a mess, glasses of water at the side of the bed, etc. He works and I am a SAHM so I fully expect to do housework but I am getting fed up with being treated as a cleaning service and expected to tidy up everyone's mess.

It's getting to the stage where I have well and truly had enough of spending all day, every day, tidying up after everyone. DH has 2 dogs as well, which he decided to get, and they make a mess too that I have to clean up each day. DH would never think to wash their bedding or clean the french doors where they put their noses up against it and make it all smeary. I spend all day cleaning and tidying up after everyone and by 7pm at night the house is filthy, and very messy, again. It's not just mess, it's also things like food shopping, cooking, cleaning up after a meal etc. All left to me. If DH gets post, he opens it and dumps it on the table or on the stairs.

I've tried striking, doing rotas, talking rationally to them all, withdrawing privileges from the older DC, none of which work and I just end up doing it all again as no one else will and I dont' want to live in a tip, and also there are some things that need doing, such as lunches made for the DC or school uniforms washed and ironed, that can't just be left if I don't feel like doing them.

To clarify, it's not housework and general household chores that are getting me down, it's the mess everyone is making and assuming I'll clear up. What do I do to get out of this situation? I'm thoroughly fed up.

I think it will be tricky to get the DC to treat you like a human being when your husband doesn't seem to manage it - they are following his example in treating you like the cleaning service.

So, I'd focus on him - the fact that you are a SAHM does mean that the proportion of housework you do is likely to be higher than him, but that doesn't mean its ok for him to generate extra mess and assume you'll do it.
So tell him what you are and are not going to take responsibility for. And then stick to it. Try to make it that you will do the things you'd most likely crack and do anyway. You may have to put up with things not being done how you want, if his standards are lower - that's always the problem with refusing to do something - if others don't pick up the slack, and you'll hate it, then its hard to stand firm.

But there are obvious things - like only washing dishes if they are brought to the kitchen. Only washing clothes that are in the basket.

13yo and 7yo can make their own lunches - they're old enough not to starve if they cba to do it and go without lunch now and then! Everyone can help clear the table after meals, even the2yo.

Thank you both! :)

LadyintheRadiator, when I've striked before he just does nothing. Will just sit there in a dirty living room or sleep in dirty bedding or use a dirty loo. If we run out of crockery he will put the dishwasher on very very occasionally but will generally just start digging out old crockery from the back of the cupboard.

AMuminScotland, I totally agree; if DH was more helpful and respectful then the DCs would follow suit. I find it infuriating that, for example, I spend ages cooking a meal, then have to lay the table myself, get the children drinks, help my 2 year old by cutting his up, and am always last to sit down and eat, only for them all to leap up, put their plates on the worktop, leave everything else on the table and go off upstairs/to watch tv.

I think I need to focus on getting DH to pull his weight, like you say. At weekends he just sits around, I keep saying to him that if we both had a good crack at the housework on, say, a Saturday morning, it would be quick an easy but instead I have to do everything, even entertaining the 2 year old, whilst he sits watching tv or on the computer.

I don't know how to solve your problem but I do know how you feel.

My DH will load/unload the dishwasher and help clear up after meals but he's only here one day a week at mealtimes as works long hours so I still do the majority! He does help with the kids (again, just one day a week) but will happily sit back 'playing' with the kids whilst I run round clearing up after everyone. It would be nice if we swapped roles on that day so I actually got to spend some time chilling with them.

I think you have to distinguish between the things no-one else cares about and the things they do care about.

For example, food could be more boring, and easier, taking less time, to show you have no time for special dishes if no-one is prepared to help.

Cook specially nice meals WITH the children helping you

Stop ironing anyone's clothes....that's your problem that you should care whether they are ironed or not, again if they don't want to help you, they don't get ironed clothes. The thirteen year old should iron his/her own clothes anyway. For school there is no ironing necessary, perhaps the occasional party. Most uniforms are drip dry.

Children should rush into the kitchen to lay table for supper, or there is no supper served. I have that rule. Again that is your problem if you insist on laying table when they are not helping you.

Mud I have not yet tackled though I do have a rule that outdoor shoes are meant to be taken off in the hall. DH puts mud all over the hall. I certainly don't wash the hall twice a day. I get a bigger doormat. I made him buy a new stair carpet. That made him think twice about keeping his shoes on.

My Dh is quite helpful in many ways, he unloads and loads dw, and occasionally does washing or putting out the bin bag, but he never ever does housework on Sat as you describe. I think that is a pipe-dream. He would expect it to be done whilst he was at work.

Smeary windows can be a fun activity for most children.

Lower your standards and raise your expectations!

What would happen if, after the meal, you just said 'STOP'?

Tell them that the clearing up isn't finished.
Gave each person a task.

How does your dh react if you just ask him to help with something? A nice, straight calm "could you come and do the dishes with me, please" not even phrased as a question, just a statement.
We have a fairly good system of "no-one sits down until everything is done" - if dh is working late then dcs (7 and 8) help by drying the dishes, and if he's home, we do them together, then split the hair-washing of children etc between us. Washing doesn't get done unless it's in the basket. In the morning we'll split the before-work jobs, one perhaps making lunches, the other hanging washing.
I tried a lot of rotas / lists of jobs / getting really cross before we worked this out. And it's very simple. Why should one person / group of people be sitting down before anyone else?
grrr for you.

or,
what branching out said . . .

I think other trick if you are finding it difficult to get them on board is to start with JUST ONE CHORE per person. A special role, that you praise them for, and is their responsibility. Before long they will be proud of that job, and do it well. A long list of jobs is very offputting, and just drives most people out of earshot.

I think the key is that you have to stop doing these things. Give everyone fair warning - over dinner if that's when everyone is there. And then simply insist that they do their share. It will take a lot of work, and you'll be fed up of repeating yourself, but if you don't put up with being treated like shit then they will stop doing it.

Look at each thing you do and pause to think "Does it really need to be me who does this?" Helping the 2yo - probably. Fetching drinks for the others - no. They can find a tap, or a fridge, or a bottle of squash, whatever it is they drink with meals.

Nobody leaves the kitchen till the table is clear and the dishes washed, dried, and put away. Once they understand that as a basic principle, you can talk about whether people prefer to all muck in or to have a rota. Those are the only options!

Weekends - if you are doing the housework, then plonk the 2yo on DHs lap and leave him to deal with supervision/entertainment. If he can't be trusted to look after his own child, book yourself a weekend away leaving him with the lot of them so he can learn!

I have to say I have not yet got the perfect system at all, but there are few things that have changed over last two years.

When I say, JUG of WATER on the table, it gets brought, even by my ASD 9 year old.
When I say laundry in the basket, it gets put there, by all three.
When I say take the rubbish out, my 11 year old takes it out without question.

the rest will take a while longer.
I now put things in the kitchen so they are easier for the children to reach too.

And dogs, I wish I had a dog. My Dh won't allow one, so be thankful that yours does!

Take the leads for the tv/sky/PC/DVD/wii/etc and don't give them back until they do what you need them to do.

And if they leap up once they finish eating and leave their plates then shock them and bellow at them to come and put their stuff in the dishwasher. then give them the tv leads back.

Alternatively serve them up their breakfast on the dirty plates from the night before if they are left on the table 'ready'. :o

Tricky about your dh - and yes he definitely needs talking to. Just tricky to know how to get him to do what he needs to - chances are he likes having someone who picks stuff up so he doesn't have to but if he's not bothered by the. Stuff being around either then he's in a win win situation at the moment so anything you do to change that turns it into a win lose situation which is worse for him. Need to tie it to something that by his not doing the absolute basics means that it turns into a lose situation for him. So piling the dirty stuff up on his pc? (high risk if it is also the one you use for MN and it gets spoilt though!). Sure there will be other things that you can think of that will work better...

Goidelic luck - sounds like you gave a major undertaking ahead of you!

What would happen if you broke your leg? They would cope and realise that mess doesn't go away by itself. If you carry on like this you will get depressed or ill which will not help anyone.

Just becae you SAH it doesnt mean you are a door mat. Your dcs need to learn how to run a house, it is a life skill, as important as school exams or eating well. Otherwise they will grow up living in chaos, or expecting someone else to sort out their mess.

The dcs should be able to keep their bedrooms, any playroom and bathroom tidy. They can dust, Hoover (13y old) and clean glass. They can produce their washing, put away washing, set table, clear away and do dishwasher. They can sort out thee school bags, empty and wash out lunch boxes. If necessary write these jobs down and insist that no one gets to play on anything electrical until they have done their stuff. I have four dcs, they all help because they see it as normal which it is.

Your dh has been getting away with it until now. Tell him you want support in teaching the dcs how to look after the home, you both need to model the behaviour together for them to learn. Tell him you will be a lot happier and less tired when you are all involved. NB do not ask, tell.

And don't let anyone start eating until you have sat down, it's disrespectful. If my lot tried that they'd get no pudding.

And print out this thread and put it on the fridge to show them how you feel....

To MR HQ and family: listen to your DW, clean up your own mess, she has better things to do with her life.

You need to think of consequences that will really have an effect & then follow through.
If you have been asking for a while & getting no response, then awful as though it sounds, it is quite possible that you are being tuned out & are easy to ignore.
Harness your inner diva / assertive woman. Think of women who do not get treated this way by people who are supposed to love them & try and imagine what they would do & how they would react.
I am imagining that you drive your DCs to various different activities that they enjoy - stop doing it. Tell them that unless they help you, you will not continue to be their taxi driver for free. And then don't do it.
Don't wash any clothes that haven't been put in the wash basket.
If they don't put their plates in the dishwasher, serve their next meal out on the same dirty plate they left on the table.
Stop ironing uniform. They are old enough to do it themselves. They are old enough to strip their beds, they are old enough to help you. Not only that, they should want to help you, because you are an important person in your household, who should be treated with respect.
STOP being the unpaid housekeeper.

I once collected everything in from around the house that wasn't where it was supposed to be and piled it up in one big pile to prove just how much there was. Once everyone was duly shocked, but still arguing over who had more things in the pile and whose fault it was I told them they had five minutes to clear the pile or it would all go in the wheelie bin, no matter how expensive. They didn't believe me. Silly billys. [evilgrin]

People pick their shit up now, bar rubbish. I still have a problem with actual rubbish, they don't seem to mind their empty packets being thrown out . I've recently taken to putting them on their beds instead. Clearly they have some sort of attachment to the empty packet of crisps or else it would be in the bin. It would be unreasonable of me to throw out something so special.

Blimey. I would be in a constant state of rage if I lived in your house.

Stop doing it. For at least a month. That would make them all realise that you mean it.

Only cook your self a dinner, or only serve yours and your 2 yr old's. I have 3 children and the youngest is 3. He helps to lay the table and the older help clear and do the dishwasher. No clothes get washed if not in basket.
That goes for DH as well.

It can be done if you tell them how unhappy they are making you. Works a trick.

Good luck.

This might help, its copied and pasted from an Australian Saving newsletter:

Screen time rules in the Lippey household:
?Empty the dishwasher = 30 minutes screen time
?Set the table for dinner = 10 minutes
?Set the table faster = 15 minutes
?Set the table faster AND beautifully = 20 minutes
?Clearing dishes from the table = 10 minutes
?Wiping the table after dinner = 5 minutes
?Vacuuming the kitchen = 15 minutes
?Vacuuming under the table = 15 minutes
?Vacuuming the lounge room = 30 minutes
?Vacuuming the hallway = 10 minutes
?Vacuuming the bedroom = 15 minutes per bedroom
?Making a meal for the rest of us = 30 minutes
?Tidying hard toys = 5 minutes
?Tidying books = 5 minutes
?Changing Elora's nappy = 5 minutes for #1, 15 minutes for #2 :-D
?Folding a basket of washing = 30 minutes
?Hanging out a basket of washing = 30 minutes

You get the idea! If you think offering screen time for chores instead of money is stingy, think again. We tried 'money for chores' but it didn't work. The reward needs to be instant.

How to implement screen time rules in your household:
?You will need a partner in crime. This can be your life partner, best friend or family member but needs to be someone who will back you up if the kids start whinging.
?Take the screens away. Remove any batteries where applicable, for example, from video game controllers and so on if you need to.
?Hold a family meeting and tell them that you love them and want them to be the best people they can be. Tell them you also want your family to be the best it can be so you are going to completely ban screens for one month; lock anything with a screen away or loan them to Grandma.
?Wait for the howls of complaint...
?THEN offer them a second option - they can earn screen time. They will still be allowed to use their iPads/iPods/game consoles but they have to have done something to earn the time, such as putting the washing away first. Make it clear that if they say no all the screens are going to disappear because you love them and spending so much time in front of screens is shrinking their brain. The choice is theirs - lose the screens altogether or embrace SCREEN TIME!

hex I am in a similar situation, though not quite as bad. I do understand what people on this thread are saying, but I can imagine it is difficult to do some of the things suggested - like only cooking dinner for yourself and not for others if they don't clear up. If I'm cooking for myself, I may as well cook for others is how I look at it.

I'd also like to say that maybe your DH doesn't assume you will clear up after him. He may have a lower threshold for mess than you, but because yours is higher, he simply doesn't reach it. As for your DCs, I don't know as mine are much younger than yours.

FWIW, my DD1 (aged 5) does tidy after herself and berates DH when he makes a mess. This I have found to be remarkably effective! I also dump stuff on his side of the bed and simply refuse to do some things, like picking up his used cups and dirty clothes. Instead I say that they will go in the bin unless he puts them in the laundry basket. And collect all the used cups on his bedside table and then gently point them out when it's full. Such techniques seem to work without it descending into a screaming row.

I also hand him stuff to do - when he's going to the garage, I'll point to the pile of post and say "Can you put that in the recycling please?" When confronted with it, he does do it. He just doesn't notice much stuff.

Having things that only he does also helps - he puts out the rubbish and washes up after dinner. If he doesn't wash up at night, it will still be there in the morning. If it is still there in the morning, it will still be there that evening, so when he comes to do that evening's washing up, there is more than twice as much (as having a non-cleared sink means I can't wash up as I cook, which is what I normally do).

Hi, I think yr DH and mine must be twins! His problem is he's just messy and it doesnt bug him. Years ago during an argument his point of view was that his threshold was higher than mine.

He and DD are both untidy and drive me crazy with it - but he works very hard and very long hours, I am a SAHM so the housework is in my job description. He is kind, and not stingy with money.

I can have a cleaner if I want. I can suggest we eat out if I don't want to cook. He is happy if dinner is beans on toast. I manage to keep the "public rooms" tidy most of the times eg. kitchen, dining, living room. He uses the spare bedroom as a dressing room, I can close the door on it and keep our bedroom tidy.

My DD is allowed to (mostly) keep her room a tip - but must when asked tidy her other stuff away. She is doing GCSE this year and is up at 6.30 and doesnt get home from school till 5.50/6.30.

I suppose the most important thing to stop me feeling resentful is that I limit the amount of time I spend tidying/cleaning/school runs/shopping/cooking - to a reasonable amount - say in total 6 hrs a day, and then I do minimum at weekends just to keep house ticking over. I.e. just a couple of hours.

And if I get pissed off, I go and spend some money or spend the day in bed!

sleepy I think you're bang on. I'm a WAHM, so a lot falls to me as I'm here much more than him (he works long hours). So a few years ago when I was getting really stressed about the cleaning and asked him for help, he got us a cleaner. I'm not saying that throwing money at problems makes them go away, but sometimes there are more creative solutions!

Hex

Have you read the riot act yet?