How much housework does your DH/DP do- and what? - warning, long.

[strawberryjelly]

Increasing tension between me and DH over this. Big show downs but nothing changes. Posted about this a few months back.

Our kids are adults but we have a son at home who's flat hunting. He does his own room and washing/ironing- but sometimes does his own cooking.

The issue is that over the past year my work has changed. I work from home 90% of the time. Before, I was working roughly half a week so shouldered all the domestic stuff- shopping, washing, ironing, gardening ( except lawn cutting), cleaning.

Now, I work almost full time some weeks- it's creative, I have to have "thinking time" even when not working on projects, so that i generate more projects- the work doesn't land on my plate. When I do have a project i can often be working flat out all day ,including evenings if I have a deadline.

After a huge amount of talk, DH has taken over loading/unloading dishwasher most days. He is also ironing his own shirts- simply because I have stopped doing them.

I am not housework obsessed but as I am here all day I need a certain amount of order and cleanliness. I also sometimes have clients visit me so that's another factor.

This is what I do:
*hoover hall every day- it's pale wood. sometimes it needs wiping over if it's muddy outside.
*dust downstairs once fortnight- clear cobwebs etc.

• hoover our bedroom once week after bed change at weekend.
• clean our ensuite ( full bathroom with bath, shower, loo) twice a week including floor wash.
• clean downstairs cloakroom once week.
• hoover stairs and landing once a week. *hoover lounge dining room and study once a week. *Hoover ktichen floor and utility room ( tiled) almost daily and mop 2-3 times a week.
• gardening as and when *Do all laundry inc ironing my clothes and king size cotton bedding for us ( son does own)
• do all shopping, all cooking, all meal planning- sometimes use ocado if it's a really busy week.

DH works 8-7pm most days inc. travel. he doesn't cook, ( can't and won't learn- doesn't even know which dishes are oven proof)
spends all weekend cycling, running, going to gym, sitting in a coffee shop after these, pottering in tool shed polishing bikes etc.

Please don't suggest a cleaner as we can't afford it.

Comments?

Very true

I always feel quite lucky reading threads like this....

My OH doesnt always see the mess, but he is always fine with whatever i ask him to do (except clean up dog muck in garden!!)
I work 40 + hours a week OH works from home and does 40+ hours a week too. We dont have any children but we do have a massive dog that moults stupid amount!

once a week:
Hoover right through (Oh)
dust right through (OH)
mop all floors (wood floor/tiled floor everywhere but office/stairs) (me)
clean bathroom (me)
strip bed remake (me)
all washing washed and dried and put away (iron on a as needed basis as lazy) (both)
clean on kitchen tops and clean oven top (me)
check and reorder fridge (me)
pick up dog muck in garden :( ME!

daily - general tidy, wash up, wipe kitchen tops, empty bins if needed, clean sink n loo, washing if needed hoover every other day (whoever)

i do 3/4 of cooking, but partner always washes up and the days he cooks i wash up.

(he didnt have much of a clue of what needed to be done when he first moved in but i soon fixed that!)

You sound like you do a lot of housework!
Regarding 'thinking time', I think the only time I feel inclined to housework is if I'm on a deadline and want to avoid the creative work!! Never more inclined to hand wash three floors of mahogany stairs....
Definitely, if you are both working full time don't waste time ironing his shirts etc. Prioritise what's important to you.
I like clean bed linen and my standards are higher so I change the bedlinen but I know DH will always cook if I don't - problem solved.
If you both work full time and earn decent salaries and you want a high standard of cleanliness then you must be able to afford a cleaner - I think a cleaner might run for the hills if s/he entered our domain.
Regarding who does what, we don't have a set routine, e.g. on Sunday DH was about to go shopping but the sun was shining, life is short and we went out for the day and saw some elderly relatives on the way home - means we will probably be picking up bits and pieces from shops around our commute all week, but really who cares?

mmm, but i can sympathise totally with poster s/jelly. We have big showdowns about housework about once every 6 months, with recriminations, tears, breakdowns, divorce threats etc etc - but nothing ever changes for me either. I think some men are just brought up to do sod all by MIL's who-do-everything, and some men are well-trained by their mothers. Unfortunately this is a cycle we will just have to continue for the rest of our lives, because you can't really change people. Try leaving polite notes / asking politely a few mornings each week, if you can stomach it - I think this might help? They do need reminding but anything less-than-polite is then construed as NAGGING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (woe betide you)

Unless your DS is paying an enormous amount of rent, thus allowing you to afford a cleaner, he should be doing far more. I would expect him to be responsible for dinner at least two nights a week, and to have other specified jobs around the house, including things like bins, lawn care, windows, keeping car clean, emptying dishwasher etc. You are doing him no favours by treating him as a child - when he eventually leaves home he will need to be able to do housecare and cooking. Your DH is not setting him a good example.

DH works away for much of the week, so I do more when he is away, and I always dust as he has asthma. However, he always cooks on the weekend and during the week when he is here, does washing, hangs it out, brings it in, hoovers regularly, is very tidy, empties and loads dishwasher, orders online shop for groceries, depoos the garden, cleans outside windows. I do bathrooms. We both change duvets (easier with two). I do ironing. DH also does household accounts and budgeting inc paying of utility bills, car tax, etc. We have a sit down each month with a spreadsheet of the budget to discuss spending, upcoming projects etc.

DH has currently got a broken collar bone and this has still not stopped him.

Your DH needs a Come to Jesus conversation. Does he have any idea how rude and disrespectful he is being? And if he can't behave like a grown up then yes, you do need to have a list of jobs and who's responsible for them.

If it were me, I would stop doing things for him, and would bag up stuff left lying around and throw it out, after giving him a fair warning. He is behaving like this because he can, and because unfortunately you have taught him that there are no consequences and you do not follow through on threats/promises, so he has lost respect for you.

strawberry jelly - are you still around? Just flicking through the archives trying to find a discussion which summarises our current household WW3 and this is it - even down to the working at home long hours which I also do!

Just wondering if you have managed to find a resolution? I got back from long day of working last week, 3 hours late due to delayed trains. To find DH sitting watching TV with the house like a bomb site, no food ready, nothing ready for school/childcare run. Months of frustration of my doing 90% of housework/childcare/admin overflowed into big argument. DH acting like a child.

Would appreciate any pointers!