Am in awe of all you organised types - my house is always a MESS!

[slightlybonkers]

DS1 is 5 & DS2 is 12months. I work weekends and the odd evening. DH works full-time.

House is small - 2 bedroom townhouse and is a nightmare. I got a cleaner in when DS2 was born as i knew things would go completley to hell otherwise. She comes on a Monday morning for 2 hours and the place is very clean after she leaves but has always descended into chaos by the following Sunday.

There are toys, books DVD's, computers, computer games, boxes of DH's comics, bike accessories, cables, scraps of paper with important info on it that can't be moved, broken printers, spare TV's. None of my friemds' homes seem to have all this crap.

DH is great with kids and helps me loads with them. He brings DS1 to school everyday and looks after them when I'm in work. But he just doesn't care about mess. I have tried to change him but he is v stubborn and is just not going to. There is NO way he would just have a laptop or put his stuff in the attic.

All paperwork etc is up to date and slotted into folders. DS1 's laundry is sorted fine. I cook meals everyday but apart from that I don't do much else. I seem to rush around all day chasing my tail and once kids finally go to sleep I have no energy to do housework. I don't feel like it's "my" home as I have very little say in how we live and 80% of the stuff is not mine. I'm constantly decluttering MY wardrobe and books as there is just no room for them but DH never gets rid of anything. The house feels very masculine. A couple of months ago DH broke the main light fixture in the sitting room while moving his bike through the house. He bought the cheapest replacement one he could find in B&Q and it's too small but there's no discussion on getting a nicer one - I just accept living like this because I don't seem to have a choice.

Aww thats tough when it doesnt feel like home to you.

bearing in mind you cant change your DH, is there anything you can change about yourself that would help?

slightlybonkers Ask him straight does he like living in the mess. Read this Thread
childrens toys
I would write him a Love Letter in handwriting not on the PC (or do the rough on PC) Sandwich the criticism

1. with praise,
2. then the problem, (& the fact you are not his Mother)
3. then a possible solution
4. then more love and praise. How about that? Then, ask him to get 4 boxes sell, charity, keep and bin Then find a place in the house that is his and sort out a space in the house that is yours. We are pretty traditional Kitchen & Dining room mine. Office and Living room his (but we share both spaces) Then dump his stuff in his TOY Box when you want things looking nice! Bike needs a shed if not in the garden why not a wooden lock up thing in the front garden. DH built us one for the recycling and bins. We are getting a 2nd cheap shed for the bikes What do you think? I'm off now to have a glass of will you join me here you go In the morning I'm doing a Boot Sale

I think starbears idea is a great one.

In terms of things like the light fitting, if you don't like it, find one you like, buy it then either fit it yourself (it isn't difficult honest, just make sure you turn off the power at the mains first) or get someone else in to do it.

Your DH has all the power in your relationship - at least as far as your home goes. That is not right.

If Starbear's suggestion doesn't work I would just take the broken printers etc to the tip and put his important bits of paper into files. That is basically what I have done with my chronic hoarding, disorganised DH.

BTW we also live in a 2 bed townhouse and there just is not room for someone to hoard broken printers etc.

I've spent all morning trying to sell our Junk. made a little money the rest went to various charity shops. When speaking to friends later they we're shocked that I still had old Maternity clothes (as they know I'm not going to have another) Their reaction now, makes me want to clear out the rest What am I hanging on to it for It's not going to make me real money so might as well give the stuff away it's rubbish to me maybe will make someones day if they can source it from a charity shop and I haven't hung around a drafty church, spending the money on cake tea and a second hand coat that I don't really need!

Slightlybonkers - welcome to the messy club. I have CHAOS Syndrom (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome).

And other people's homes DO have all this crap - they are just better at hiding it than us messy types. I go into a lot of houses because I am a health visitor. I tell you I am in AWE of most mothers who seem so much better at this housekeeping stuff than me.

... and my exH couldn't have cared less about the mess either. It's actually better since he went

Slightlybonkers - sounds like you have no say in your relationship. Stand up for yourself!

We've just agreed to do 10 minutes of decluttering a day, each. It is starting to make a difference but we aren't naturally tidy people. I really wish that I was.

My DH is also a hoarder, but more of clothes than of anything else. Hhe has jeans in his wardrobe from when he was 18, and he is now 37

Every few weeks I take a few items out and hide them. I leave them there for a few weeks, and if he doesn't miss them, they go to the charity shop whilst he is out at work. If he misses an item I'll say 'oh look, I just found this, DD must have moved it'.

As it is, he has never missed an item, and I have chucked out 4 bags of his stuff without him realising. Not ideal but it works.

Even with broken printers, if you can hide one and then ditch it, or if you can look online and figure out how to fix it, you could then sell it on without waiting for DH to do it (I am assuming that is why he has them)?

Also, I would buy a new light fitting myself and fit it in, get a refund on his B&Q one ifyou are worried about wasting the money. Leaving decisions to him without challenging them must make you feel low.

With scraps of paper with important info, I usually type these onto emails or texts and send them to him so I can ditch the bits of paper.

If any of the mess is your DCs stuff, get them to help you tidy that up every day before they sleep. It's a PITA to start with as you'll have to persuade them to do it, but it pays off, as you get some of the tidying done, and it encourages them to keep tidier in the future. It has worked well with mine so far (aged 3 and 18 months!) they now tidy toys away each evening before bed if I shout loud enough.

I speak as a former messy house owner, these tips have worked for me. Good luck :)

thanks for all the words of encouragement, guys! i know i have to just get rid of the stuff myself. At least the place is clean thanks to the cleaner. I nearly have a nervous breakdown trying to clear the place for her to be able to actually clean it though.

Any tips for storing tons of dvds, cds & computer games in a sitting room without it looking like a students house? At the moment they're piled into IKEA dvd shelves but I hate looking at them. There're too visible.

The sitting room is mega cluttered. There's 2 horrible sofas which manage to be too small to lie down on comfortably but still take up loads of room, TV on stand with stereo, dvd player etc, 2 freestanding speakers, 4 sets of overflowing IKEA dvd shelves, large overflowing bookcase with random stuff on top, computer desk with "other" computer bits underneath, plastic toy box, coffee table. ceiling needs to be painted as water leaked from bath before xmas leaving a watermark.

Can you ditch, eBay or charity bag some of your CDs and DVDs? Or do you watch/play them all regularly?

You could copy them onto a hard drive then ditch them. That way you still have a copy to use if needed.

Also tidy computer stuff, untangle cables, label plugs (I know that sounds a bit anal but it helps!). That way the mess is a bit more managable and 'organisable'.

Can speakers be fixed up higher onto the wall, or put on shelves (get someone in to do this if DH can't or won't) to clear some floor space.

And get DS to put toy box in his room when he goes to bed?

Also you might he able to get some glass doors for the book shelves from IKEA too?

Re DVDs, CDs, computer games I'd buy some folders for these and collect the boxes together and put them in the attic. We did this years ago when in a 1-bed flat. Made a HUGE difference. About five years ago we got a huge hard drive which stores everything. Dh now subscribes to online music providers which has further reduced the stash.
In past have also collected together all dh's computer stuff and also his cables and made tea for as many nights as it took for him to spend 10 minutes looking through said boxes (though in event he just cracked on and did it). Once the binable / charity stuff had gone, he then told me what had to stay close at hand and what could go in the loft.
Could you do the same with the books? Dh only keeps ones he bought for reference and I put them in the attic once they start gathering dust. We recycle all fiction etc since we were honest with ourselves that we'd never get round to reading 99% of them again.
You could also collect together random stuff and consider where it really belongs or if you need to create a home.
Otherwise get a TV cabinet. Ours is from Tesco and was a really good price for what it is. And second others wrt putting speakers on brackets on walls.
And to reward yourself I'd decorate and treat yourself to a few new bits and pieces to make it seem more homely or maybe cushions to make the sofas more comfy or whatever.