New SAHM to be

[LLKH]

OK, this is sort of a difficult post for me to write so be gentle please.

I was, for a time, doing a PhD and was thoroughly miserable (full day migraines, panic attacks) and was thinking v. seriously about quitting when DH and I found out I was pregnant. This sent us both over the moon with joy and solidified my decision to quit as migraines and panic attacks wouldn't be good for the baby. I hasten to add that if I'd been happy doing what I was doing I would have continued throughout my pregnancy.

However, I felt very much pushed into the PhD because most of my family is very academic. When I stopped, I started to re-evaluate what I might want to do.

I decided that actually, what I wanted to have a go at was being a SAHM/homemaker. While that seems to be a reasonable choice for some women (and I'm lucky to have that choice, I know), the difficulty for me is that I don't actually know much about domesticity. I grew up in a house where housekeeping was done by our housekeeper and my dyspraxia meant that anything hands on was off-limits because I would take too long.
I've since learned that dyspraxia doesn't stop me doing anything hands-on and that it is ok if it takes a bit longer.

I'm not totally domestically ignorant. I'm a good cook if the empty plates are anything to go by and a decent laundress, but the rest I am a bit clueless about.

DH does plenty of DIY, and he has actually told me that, while he may be more able to do the DIY, I'm the one who is more able to make the place feel like home.

However, I'm not so good at the housekeeping part as I said. I love our house, and I want to keep it clean and pleasant, but I'm not sure what needs to be done and how often. I also don't want our house to be such a sterile environment that it feels unfriendly.

Any feedback would be welcome. It means a lot to me to get this right for myself, DH, and the small one (who will arrive in December).

Hi, I'm not a sahm myself, nor am I a good housekeeper (and I have no disability but lack of concern) but I always thought that the point of a sahm was to be a mother not a housekeeper (in fact plenty of sahms still have cleaners if they can afford them). Focus on your little one the chores will present themselves to you just fine. Good luck and enjoy the career change

Congratulations on your pregnancy

There will be posters coming along who are far more experienced, but I had to answer your post because you sound so lovely and because my dd has dyspraxia and I felt sad that you used to believe it meant you couldn't do things.

I became a full-time SAHM a couple of years ago and I felt a lot like you do now. My mother wasn't domesticated and ,for reasons too long to go into, didn't make any effort to show me how to do anything -so I was pretty clueless too. It took me a long time to get into my stride and get a routine in place.

Every morning,when the dds have gone to school, I do a quick tidy of every room - I also wipe down the kitchen benches and sweep the floor and give the bathroom a quick wipe-down.
Then, I pick a room to give a more thorough cleaning -eg in the kids rooms I would change the beds, dust, hoover etc. That means I am usually tidy-ish, but my house is what I would call 'homely' and 'lived in'

All of that takes no more than an hour. I will also sort out a washload to go on first thing, to keep the washing down.

Once a week, I go through all of the paperwork in my 'to do' file and deal with it.

I try to put clothes away as they are dried/ironed, otherwise it builds up and I get overwhelmed.

You will find your own system, though, have faith in yourself.
And remember, you will have a young baby, so don't be too hard on yourself. It really doesn't matter if the house is untidy or there is a huge pile of ironing - you will get it sorted eventually!

I found that reading posts on this board helped me loads with picking up tips.

Good luck -and enjoy x

Can't help but thought you sound lovely so wanted to reply!

I'm a SAHM and the most undomesticated one that ever lived! Hope you get some good tips X

I thought my house would be immaculate when I was a SAHM - what else would I do with all those spare hours. What I actually discovered was that taking care of the baby was a full-time job! Best thing that ever happened to me was that DH said we should keep the cleaner we'd had when I was working and see how things went. In the event the cleaner stayed until DS1 was 3months and made those 3 months much happier and less stressful than they would otherwise have been.

When I did take on the housework, having a routine that covered all the weekly jobs was what saved me.

All good advice so far, don't be too hard on yourself, you have a degree so in terms of edcuational attainment have done well. Enjoy your pregnancy. As for housekeeping, every family is different, if you are used to very high standards and can afford it then I suggest to get some hired help, if not just do the essentials but baby comes first. By that I mean that no child suffers because the insides of the windows have not been cleaned. Above all, do not go from one extreme to the other and do not become isolated, socially and emotionally in pursuit of providing a perfect home. Have confidence that you and DH can make your own story!

By all means concentrate on the house during your pregnancy, but don't expect the same standards from yourself when the baby comes.

In fact, make sure that the housework doesn't become your job. Your DH and you really should be doing equal amounts. Otherwise the resentment will really build up and you'll never have time to enjoy being a family. As others have said, being a SAHM is not about being a housekeeper.

My advice to you is to have a vague sort of routine to keep on top of things. There are things that I do daily: sweep floors, wipe kitchen surfaces, table, tidy away toys, do laundry. Other things I do weekly when I spot them: beds, cleaning rooms, whatever really.

That's just the housework. Don't make it the focus of your life. Concentrate on meeting other mothers to be or mothers in your local area. Find out where the baby groups are, and where the activities take place. Invest time in developing a network. During my first maternity leave I was pretty miserable until I found somewhere to be every day. That outing became the focus of my day and the housework fitted around that.

I know you are asking about housekeeping things but try and achieve a balance.

Hi, like the others, I wanted to reply because you sound so nice

I also echo what they say. As a SAHM I'm totally undomesticated (mum used to do everything for us and still does my ironing!). My DD went to nursery for a year from 7 months, 2 mornings a week and I would spend 1 day cleaning every room. The house would look fabulous. Even polished the chrome bathroom radiator (lol!). Soon got bored though and now she doesn't go to nursery, I just don't have the time. She wants to play with me all the time and frankly, I'd rather do that (or cut my right arm off) than clean.

But if you want a couple of tips - I sometimes write a '5 things I will do today' list. Lists definitely help motivate me and it helps me get on top of things.

I clean the kitchen as I go along with hot water and Fairy liquid (ie just before I wash up). The bathroom I will sort of do whilst my DD is in the bath. The spare room I do when we have visitors coming, about 30 mins before they arrive normally.

And I'd love to say I vacuum regularly but I don't. But when I do, I usually use the hose attachment to clean the dust off obvious surfaces, cobwebs etc (watch out for scratching, use the brush attachment).

Finally, every so often I rope my DH in on a Sat morning and we have a timed 1 hour clean. I just like to work against the clock, I find it motivational.

But most of all, I just get used to the fact that the house will never look 100% clean but by doing things on rotation like this, it is at least hygienic and manageable.

Oh, also I suggest you buy something like 'eCloths' - you can get them in most supermarkets. You don't need cleaning product with them, just water, and you can machine wash them. They will do everything so easy to grab to rub smears of windows etc.

And by the way, as soon as I can afford it, I'm getting a cleaner!

Thanks all. That is v. helpful.

I'm actually trying to make a sort of day to day list just so I have a routine as you all have suggested. I like routines and will find it much easier to keep things ticking over if I have one. I don't for a moment expect this routine to go anywhere but out the window when baby arrives, but for a little while it will be nice.

DH actually already does far more than his fair share of the housework which is one of the reasons I posted. I want to balance things out.

siblingrivalry I felt so inferior due to the dyspraxia for so much of my life and I didn't even know what it was called until I was 24. Then I met DH who is very good with his hands (he does all the DIY in our house and can work with tiny tiny pieces of electronic equipment) and he taught me that it doesn't matter how long it takes if you enjoy it. He got me started on needlepoint and now I'm addicted to it. And I think, well, if I can do that, I can do this other thing which is an immense help. So if your DD can find something like that to do, it might be a boost of confidence.

tingleingle I love the idea of a timed clean and I know DH will too. He loves challenges.

You might try a book called 'How to manage your home without help' which is published by Persephone. It's actually a reprint of a book published just after the war so the detail is massively out of date but it does talk some sense about developing routines and the pattern of day to day work in a house. It will also make you profoundly, deeply grateful you live in 2010 rather than 1948.

LLKH you sound lovely, and so does your DH

I am a SAHM to a DS who is 2. First thing I will say is plan to have a cleaner from about a month before due date until 3 months after the baby is born, then you get to concentrate on the baby and on youself - ie. you can sleep when they do rather than thinking 'oh I need to dust the bedrooms'.

I understand exactly where you are coming from. I've taken a break from working because I had a very unfulfilling job. When our children are at school then I plan to re-train as a teacher and return to work.
I do view the housework as primarily my responsibility, after all I am here all day and if you have a plan it is not hard to fit things in. It is important to me that we have a clean and comfortable home, that feels homely and organised and is relaxing to be in!
I still go out with Mum friends, take DS to music classes, swimming, we go to the park regularly and I spend more hours than I can tell you sprawled on my belly building Lego and train tracks , I think I have the balance about right for us.

I have a little list of things which I aim to do daily, a washload, folding and putting away clothes, wiping over the bathroom, keeping the kitchen sides clear and clean and hoovering and sweeping downstairs, making the beds and general tidying.
Then I have another list which is weekly - dusting, hoovering upstairs, proper bathroom clean, mopping the kitchen and hall.
Other things are more as and when, and you will realise what needs doing in your own home. For example we have wooden venetian blinds which need dusting every week, I wipe out the fridge once a fortnight etc.

Why don't you pop over to the Slatterns thread (we are on the Good Housekeeping board) and say hello. We all like to make lists to keep on top of things!

Alibaba Your philosophy of home is exactly what I'm after. Clean, comfy and relaxing.

At the moment, we don't have enough laundry to justify doing a load every day, but that will change. We have a whiteboard though we hope to replace it with a chalkboard eventually.

I've written down some rules for housekeeping and weekly and daily tasks there which is helping already.

I've popped over and had a look at the Slatterns thread and may join in later.

On a related note, I was watching The Secret Life of Mrs. Beeton the other day and I thought maybe we (both men and women) need a 21st century version for those whose parents never taught them.