End of my tether

[winesolveseverything]

Can someone please help?

My son is 8. He doesn't get a lot of homework- he has spellings each week, times tables and each weekend he has a maths worksheet with about 12 questions on.

He doesn't like maths. He finds it hard, but can do it if he concentrates and actually engages his brain.

Every weekend is a battle to get this worksheet done. Because he doesn't want to do it. He moans, whinges, flops about all over the table, complains that the light is wrong, there is a cat in the street, the moon is at the wrong angle, he's hungry/thirsty/ill/tired.... and so on. Any excuse.

(Hasten to add that we start this 1st thing after breakfast)

Today I've just lost it with him. He's shouted at me as I'm not helping him. I am- I sit next to him and encourage him. I point him in the right direction with his workings out. But no, I won't do it for him... He is capable. But he needs to think.

This morning has just descended into a 2 hour argument with him being sent to his room over and over for being rude. He's had his Nintendo confiscated for the rest of the day. I've shouted at him over and over. He's crying and I'm utterly fed up.

And the worksheet is still sitting here.

He does the same at school (the excuses but without the drama obviously) so we quite often have the classwork sent home to finish also.

I went into school last week to let them know about this. They cracked the whip and so he actually finished his classwork this week. They agree that he is capable but doesn't like it.

This is ruining every weekend. And I don't know what else to do.
Feel awful for losing it with him. Frustrating thing is, he could do it if he applied himself. So I don't think it's really school's problem that we are having this carry on every weekend.

Does anyone please have any words of wisdom on how to tackle this?

Maybe split the sums between 2 days?

What if he doesn't do it? What are the consequences at school?

What does he like to do at the weekend? What motivates/rewards him?

e.g. Can you say - it must be done Sat am, otherwise no football club Sat pm or whatever? Or let school keep him in at playtime for 'homework club'?

My 14yo isn't that keen either. When she gets most uncooperative, it is usually because she thinks she doesn't know how to do something. I feel your pain.

Consequence at school would be missing playtime. Which would be fine, but I know even then he still wouldn't do it. It would be too noisy for him to concentrate or some other excuse. And it would just get sent home again. But I might try it.

I've threatened everything under the sun. He doesn't care and I'm aware that removing every nice thing isn't giving him much incentive either. He's been so incredibly rude to me this morning, that even if he magically does the work now, he's not going to be getting anything back today.

I know I sound like a defeatist. I've tried splitting it in 2- although the weekends we have classwork sent home it can still be up to 10 questions extra to fit in. On top of everything else.

He doesn't think he can do it either. Half of it is just not bothering to read the question- he's in such a rush he just dashes off any old rubbish.

I might put what I've written here into a letter for his teacher- she can read it at a convenient time for her then and not in a snatched moment at the end of school...

So he does other homework and schoolwork well.
Are you sure he can do the work?

Is it wordy stuff (you say about not reading the questions?) where maybe he feels he can't extract the maths from the words?
I'm probably clutching at straws here... If so, drawing pictures with him, acting it out, using physical objects all might help?

Can you find easier questions he can do, and work up from there (e.g. maybe over half term). e.g. Get a workbook from WHSmiths for y1 or 2, check he can do them, and move on? Doing easier stuff might boost confidence?

If he's not doing classwork, it could be avoidance or a SpLD holding him back. Maths is a lot about confidence.

I'm sure he can do it. His classwork came home all complete and all correct. But it was like getting blood out of a stone as he would rather not do it.

It is wordy stuff- a bit like verbal reasoning almost, where he has to extract the info and do something with it. If it was written as a simple sum he can do it.
He knows all his times tables up to 12, bonds to 100, doubling/halving, can tell the time etc, and is working on knowing his divisions by instant recall. So he has the tools in place.

He simply can't be bothered as it involves thinking. This is why I'm so cross . It could be done in 15 mins if he knuckled down.

I know the confidence thing is an issue. This is why I'm so fed up today, as me shouting and arguing with him isn't doing that element any good...

We have just gone through the same with my 8 year old son this morning - took two hours to do a page in his comprehension book plus a maths sheet. Tears, tantrums, running off to his room etc. It's the same every other weekend (homework is fortnightly). We're in an 11+ area so additional stress. I've got no answers but just to let you know that you're not alone

My DD1 has dyspraxia. I first flagged to the school in year 6 - they fobbed me off. Finally got it confirmed in y11.

Anyway, one of the things I flagged was she couldn't follow bulleted instructions.
School said no issue there.
Turns out she was just looking across to see what the others were doing and using visual cues.

What I'm saying is, in school he could effectively be copying from friends. He won't necessarily see it as that - just asking for hints.

I'd be tempted to do concern, carrot and stick.

You are obviously having problems with maths problems because it takes so long to do your homework.
I don't want you to get left behind (concern) so over half term we're going to go back a few steps and do some easier maths every day to try to unpick what's difficult and build you up.
Well, if you can do it, you do need to show me that by doing classwork and homework without all this fussing. If you manage this between now and half term we won't have to do extra, will we?

I had that every weekend. Massive struggle. Now we do ds maths homework on a Friday night.

Garlic bread goes in the oven when he starts the work sheet. He pauses to eat when it is ready. Then he finishes it before pizza is served.
No electronics or TV for the weekend until it is finished. No negotiation.

Now he does it without a murmur.

He may be having difficulties reading the problem and making sense of whats being asked. Its a completely different skill.
I agree with drawing it out...using buttons..shapes ..anything that helps. Also if he only needs to write the answers using a small white board and marker to draw, calculate etc can help as they don't associate it as much with school and writing.
If he has any slight dyslexia tendencies they often fail to pick out the important points in a story or maths problem and focus on irrelevant details. I would help him more at this stage as family life is important too and he may have an underlying block. So break it down for him. You draw it to start with and gradually move to him drawing it.

I'm sure he is copying off others in class. They don't actually have a teacher one day a week- this is why they are doing these worksheets with a TA in charge.

Although when I sit with him and pull the questions apart he can do them easily. By pulling apart, I mean reading carefully. If left, he won't even read them. He goes straight into thrashing about like a salmon and shrieking that he can't do it...
As far as his other classwork is concerned, nothing has been flagged up.

Carrot/stick thing is good idea. Will try that.

Friday nights also good although I'm sometimes at work until late (so don't see him) and he doesn't get home himself until 6 ish on those evenings. However, it could be adjusted to sat morning on those weeks.

Thanks for all the support.. to everyone else locked in homework battles across the country.

I think you need to step back and try a different tactic. Tell him he has to do the work, give him a time slot. Say you are there to help, if he doesn't do it then he will have to suffer the consequences but it needs to be his decision...if he refuses to do it, say it's shame you're going to miss playtime and then leave it, with the caveat that should he want to try at any other point over the weekend then you will be happy to help. It's clear threats and punishment doesn't have any impact and it is horribly stressful for all. So you've really got nothing to loose. Read The Self Directed Child it's a very interesting read. Good luck.

I should add I have a child who doesn't respond carrot and stick or reward systems so whilst this might seem counter intuitive it might be worth a try. He has to fail on his own terms if he chooses to.

I bet you are doing more than reading the question 'carefully' though.
My guess is you have to ask leading questions to guide his thinking as he goes along?
You hope that he learns to ask himself those questions, but he doesn't.

Teentimestwo.... yes- you are 100% right.

It's questions like 'If 5 biscuits cost 30p, how many will 15 cost..'

If it just said 30 divided by 5 and 15 times 6 then fine no problem.

It's extracting that info which causes the problems. Although he has already decided before reading it that he can't do it.. So it's hard to say whether it's a genuine struggle or just him being extremely stubborn.

I keep telling him it's fine to do working out on a separate piece of paper. That I'd struggle to work some of it out in my head. (Which I would) School are also happy with this.

Thankfully he has no such issues with his English having just rattled off a page of perfect sentences incorporating his latest spelling words in about 5 mins....

I'm going to go in and see his teacher again this week and explain the difficulties we are having. The rule is that they do this maths with no help as it's already stuff covered in class.

DD2 has just stropped upstairs as doesn't want to do maths revision for test this week...

I hate when school gives stuff without working out space. I always provide separate squared paper and expect it to be used.

(ps For that question you don't need to work out price of one biscuit. i'd lay it out as two columns, Number of biscuits and Price and put what you have in. then you have to see what you have to multiply 5 by to get 15 and multiply the price by the same thing.
This method works well for pretty much all ratio questions, and also a lot of % ones too, all the way to GCSE.
One method to learn only and where the first thing you do is automatic, so that gets you going. When you have written something it is easier to progress.)

A footnote to this. My ds, aged 10, 5 months, finally this Sunday got his half done school project from the kitchen and finished it under his own steam.
After 5 years of arguments. God, the relief.

It is a problem with word problems. Teach him how to disect them. Circle all numbers and underline key operation words. For example addition words: altogether, combined

@winesolveseverything how are you doing with this one term on?

I came on here this afternoon in tears having been screamed at by my DS(7) all morning with meltdowns from both of us over his maths worksheet. Your OP could have described us perfectly. DS has all the tools he needs, he always gets the right answer once he actually DOES it - he could have finished the homework twice over in the time he takes screaming about it.

I should say that he gets all the answers right when he isn't rushing and writing down any old rubbish in stupid messy handwriting in protest at having to actually think. I have offered every carrot, screen time, treats, and also the sticks, taken away Lego, taken away screen time, he will get a minus when he gets to school on Monday (he has never had a single one all year). He should have had a minus on Friday when he didn't finish (usually they are given a worksheet on a Mon to finish by Fri) but was given the weekend as a last chance.

It's like being expected to do any form of thinking is completely offensive. He finds everything else so easy that maybe he's just unwilling to engage his brain even a tiny bit.

I guess I stop reminding him this weekend and just let him get the bloody minus. He will be in bits but he needs to understand sometimes you just have to sit down and do unpleasant things to get them done. I keep reminding him that he is in control of this but he is so hysterical he cannot even see it

Hi there..

Firstly 🍷🍷🍷!!

After that weekend from hell last term, I ended up emailing his teacher that evening and telling her the whole sorry tale..

She invited me straight into school the day after to sort it out- reassured me that he is perfectly capable and that it wasn't beyond him etc.

Said I was to never go through that again with him- if he was refusing to do it, then I was to send it back and that she would deal with it. Not make him miss break time, but would keep him out of assembly and sit with him herself.

And she spoke to him about his attitude and disrespect towards me and his father.

I have no idea what she said, but we have never had a problem since. Since that day on, he has just got on and done it. Sure, he occasionally gets stuck and I help. But 95% is done by himself. And no drama!

We had a bit of a carry on last weekend about his English work- I mentioned going back in and that was enough to silence him!
He will still rush- we have a saying now - "the quicker you do it, the longer it will take"..
And if it's messy or untidy I will rub it out and he will do it again. The record so far is 4 times writing out spelling words... 🙄
I think his middle name will always be slap-dash but hopefully he will learn to take the time and do it properly once.

I still insist on work being done on Saturday morning- the longer it is dragged out or put off, the harder it is to get him motivated.
He is not allowed any screen time until all work for the day is completed- this tends to do the trick..

If you are struggling, I'd definitely recommend speaking to school- part of me felt totally pathetic admitting that I couldn't deal with my own child. But I'm so glad I did.. And so grateful to his teacher for being so fabulous about it.

I'm having the same battles here. He's capable. Just doesn't want to do it.

Causing massive arguments! Carrot and stick not working.

When he gets homework club then it's not a problem. It's just doing it at home. He doesn't have homework club this term!

Going to speak to the school this week

I have a DD like this. The only thing that ever works is to change the environment e.g. 'DD, we're going to do homework in the library this weekend like the big girls do'.