Personality

[Iloveponies]

Hello,

I would like to ask whether you think a certain type of personality is required to home educate.

I worry I am not tenacious enough, and that I wont have the patience to be around my children so much. I am also rubbish at discipline. I am socially awkward and that may affect the kids if I find home educating groups difficult.

I do think it would be so lovely to learn together,without pressure and be able to go out when the mood strikes and enjoy the children,at the moment I just get the tired,hungry moody bits after school.

Do you really think anyone can do it?

Not sure if I'd say anyone could HE but I suppose we all could if we wanted to enough. I don't know if anyone has the ideal personality for it but if it's important enough and they can recognise that aspects of character might affect their HE ability then perhaps they'd look at working on those things to make it more doable.

Loads of factors to consider - number of children, their temperaments and self-motivation, any special needs, family, location etc etc. I guess we all balance these things out because no-one's situation is perfect.

I HE my 12 year old ds with Asperger's but I know I'd find it very challenging if he had sibling/s because his difficulties need a lot of time and attention, which would be hard to provide for more than one. I have health issues of my own, dh works shifts and makes routine difficult, but we work around it. Until recently I had my elderly mother to care for as well, which all affected how we did things.

Having read all that back I think circumstances might be more relevant than personality, though it depends on how flexible you are and how willing to change aspects of your life to make HE more achievable.

Thanks for the reply,
I take my hat of to you, caring for an elderly person and your son, cant have been easy.

There is lots to think about.

John Holt says all you need to be able to home educate is to love being with your children most of the time (although no one loves it all the time, of course) and to enjoy engaging with them.

I agree totally with MrsWobble and John Holt.

Thankyou Mrswobble,

I have ordered some John Holt books.

My husband is worried that we wont get any work done, or that housework and just general life will get in the in way. I have time to think about it, lots of reading to do yet.

I have 4 children, 1 with ADHD, the pychologist wants him on Ritalin, but my feeling is that, they want to medicate him to fit the school, he is inattentive,not disruptive. This is what is prompting my investigation into home school.

As you say, Ritalin is there to fit the child into school. ADHD and other disorders can be much more manageable (without drugs) at home, where you can fit what you are doing to the individual children. You may discover that going out for a run around in the park for an hour helps your DS to concentrate on something later. You may also find that he can concentrate without difficulty when he is interested in what is happening.

My husband is worried that we wont get any work done, or that housework
and just general life will get in the in way. I have time to think about
it, lots of reading to do yet.

For us, general life is what we do as EHEers, rather than it getting in the way. For example, my almost 16yo DS was the only person to take a home-made contribution to the end-of-term 'do' at a club last night. I suggested it, but he made shortbread while cooking dinner for three of us (toad-in-the-hole with steamed veg). IMHO, it is a valuable life-skill to be able to cook a number of things at the same time, juggling times and oven temperatures. He always cooks on a Wed, so he does not have to rely on me getting the meal ready in time for him to get there.

'Work' is what you make it. We did no written work until the DC were 13+ and started formall courses.

I had to laugh when my sister asked me if HE would be too stressful for my personality (I used to have mental health problems)

I know it's not easy, but how on earth could HE be more stressful than getting two children up, fed and dressed and dragging them up the hill to school for 9, then being in the house by myself (I work from home) all day, then having to be at the school gate (which I hear is a nightmare) at 3pm, not knowing what the kids have been up to and what mood they will be in, then having to get grumpy and tired children home, fed, maybe to an afterschool activity, do some reading, fret about reading levels or whatever, bathed and bed.

Where is the time for just "being" with the children in that day? Then if you want to go to a museum or something you can only go at the weekend, when the world and his wife (and kids) are all there too and you only have two days to do it in so you can't leave it if they aren't in the mood so you all get short tempered with each other.

Then you have all the worry of what if your child is being bullied by children or teachers, what if they have SEN-do you push for a diagnosis and risk singling them out? What about lunchtime-does the school have strange rules about packed lunches? Then there is uniform to buy and get ready, school trips to pay for where your child will spend a good proportion of the day being lined up and not exploring and anyway is limited to school hours.

Then what about the teacher- do you point out when they make spelling mistakes? How do you know they aren't telling your child creationist stuff (or whatever you don't agree with- I went to a secular school and several teachers taught evolution as a "theory" that didn't have as much evidence as creation and I had friends who were told they would go to hell if they were gay). I know lots of good teachers, but I also know quite a few with no general knowledge and a terrible attitude- what if one of those was teaching my child?

What about all the testing? How do you react if your child doesn't get the level they are meant to? what about if they are higher ability? What about if they are higher ability in one area but lower in another?

I take my hat off to people who send their kids to school- I just don't have the personality for it!

(Tongue in cheek, btw, but you get the picture- HE seems hard because you are used to school. They both have pros and cons, but HE families aren't perfect or saintly.)

SDeuchars,
that's really good to hear, I have started another thread about formal learning to find out more.

I agree about the life skills, even with regard to myself. Sometimes I think I am "just" a SAHM and then I have to think what have I acheived today, and it is a big list.

Has your Ds ever said I am not doing, whatever activity you have suggested and said I am going on the computer or to watch TV. What do you do about that? That I think is my husbands concern.

Butterpie, that is so true,all the stress in the afternoon,trying to have down time and homework and dinner and get to bed early enough to be able to do it all again the next day.

"My husband is worried that we wont get any work done, or that housework and just general life will get in the in way."

I agree with SDeuchars. Life is what we do, and children learn best from life. This morning DD1 (7) got breakfast for the little ones while I showered and then she helped me with the laundry so that it got done quicker and I could sit down with her and help her write a letter to her cousin. During that time, we have had a conversation about how I know which buttons to press on the machine and why you need hot water to wash, but not too hot to save energy. The letter writing included a discussion on where you use full stops and how to set out a letter so it's a letter rather than a quick note. The younger three have been drawing and cutting throughout this time. The 5yo decided to write a note to my mum and did it all in mirror writing. Later on today the 3yo will end up getting some good numeracy time by helping my mum sort out all the clean clothes (which she loves doing).

It just happens - life doesn't get in the way of learning, life is what makes the learning happen!

And I also agree with Butterpie - I have suffered from depression on and off my whole life. People often say 'wouldn't it be easier for you if they were in school?' And I usually reply with 'what? Have two hours of tantrums and stress and tears getting them out of the house to somewhere they don't want to be, having struggled to find all the things four children need and get breakfast and lunch ready for them all in time to get them there. Only to come home and spend a few hours crying alone. Or maybe I'd pick myself up and go and do something nice...which I'd have to cut short to go and get them again and definitely not be late. And then sit and try and make four ratty, tired children do homework they don't want to be doing; as well as preparing supper etc..? No thank you!'

School would be far more stress than home education for someone with my personality

OP - if going to home ed groups worries you, then don't go. Tale you dc to after school type activities or find mor structured home ed grous where you live (eg sports or art). Those are the only HE things I take ds to, standing around in village hallls with people I have nothing in common with fills me with dread too.

Mrswobble and Butterpie, I couldn't agree more with your points! Ds went to pre school and reception, the negative effect on my metal health was immeasurale! Dreading dropping him off, sittng at home in a panc all day dreading 3pm when the teacher would always want a 'quiet word' (eg to blame me that ds was miserable and disruptave because he didn't want to be there), the other parents sniggering or giving dirty looks. Then having ds up all night having nightmares about school, with me getting more and more stressed that he'd behave worse the next day if he was tired. I was contantly knotted up inside all day everyday, I couldn't even eat.

MrsWobble,
Thankyou for your post, it's interesting that you and Butterpie both feel it is easier to keep the children at home, which seems counterintuitive to most people.

We are so conditioned to sending our children to school we never question it. I have cetainly found my life more stressful as my children have grown older, but the common belief is that having pre school children at home is the hardest part, when they go to school, they are off your hands.

Some people hold the view that some adversity is good for children, when I told my Ds's physchologist that Ds found school work boring, he said that everyone has to do boring stuff sometime and we have to deal with it. How do you counter this?

Lola Poppins,
I guess everyone finds ways to suit tham and ths children. I just dont want them to get to be teenagers and then they say "you f**d us up Mum." They will probably say that anyway wont they, I suppose all you can do is play the hand you have got in the best way you can.

Iloveponies - if you do decide to HE, you will soon see what suits you and your dc. My ds hated the unstructured groups as well, they were pointless to him as well when already had lots of friends from other activities, so we were in agreement about knocking them on the head! If the decision to HE has tought me anything, it's that life is too short to do what you think you 'should' be doing.

Iloveponies - having preschoolers is hard physical work because they are preschoolers, not because they're at home! School-aged children are harder to parent emotionally, but that doesn't change whether they're in school or not, and, in fact, if they're at home, you have far more time with them to make the emotional things easier. But they're far easier physically - they help out; they find their own entertainments; they don't hang on your leg whining at you.

And they won't say 'you fucked us up' if you listen to them and respond to their needs.

I don't agree that everyone has to do boring stuff actually- anything really needed can be made interesting. If you do want them to do boring things sometimes then just make them do boring things at home!

I'm only now recovering from the bad time I had at school, and I only had very mild special needs (which turned more severe with the effects of school on my mental health as I got older), if my kids went to school I would spend the entire time worrying they were having the same problems.

Butterpie, although I agree that boring things can be made interesting, I do think that you need to learn at some point that there are things in life which just need to be done.

I am wary of this with ds. There are some things which he just has to learn, weather he finds them boring or not.

When we first went down the home ed route I was cautious of the approach I was going to take due to how my friend and her brother who were both home educated turned out. Neither of them were made to do anything that they didn't find fun. If they were doing a project and got bored of it, they were allowed to stop it. Consequently, they both found things very hard when they went into the world of work. Neither of them could stick to a job because of the 'boring bits' in my friends words. She has overcome that now, but her brother is still floundering at 25, leaving a job whenever it ceases to be fun.

I know that's only an example of two people, but she was my main sounding board for HE, having never attended a school herself. She home educates her two children and has gone a far more formal route with them.

There are certain things in life/work that are boring and just have to be done. My dh has a fantastic, interesting job which he adores but there are still mundane tasks he has to do for it. I wouldn't want ds to grow up thinking that everything would be made interesting for him.

So, I do agree that you have to learn to deal with the boring things in life at some point. (I don't agree that children should be left to be bored at school, that is a whole different matter).

I think you need to teach them not to be bored with being bored, if that makes sense...to kind of live in the moment and get on with it.

I agree with Butterpie. Life has enough boring bits without deliberately introducing them with busywork.

And I certainly agree that there is value in "stickability". We have generally applied that to outside activities - once something was paid for, the DC completed it even if they had changed their minds. OTOH, activities were re-evaluated at natural stopping points (e.g. ends of term).

Learning an instrument was great for that - if something is difficult, you stop for today but try again tomorrow and think of a different way to approach it; if something is boring, you find a way to vary it.

Like so much in EHE, I think it varies over time. As small children, my DC never said that they were bored and we just flowed between interesting activities. When older, they were motivated to complete things because they had chosen to do them or it was needed (such as washing dishes), so they worked through the "boring" bits.

My two oldest children (7 and 5), without any coercion, have learnt about commitment and 'stickability' very easily. Like with SDeuchars, if they're going to a paid up group, or something they need a uniform for, then it's not fair on me or their teacher/facilitator if they drop in and out. If they commit to going, then they commit to going every session. They've learnt that any boring bits are outweighed by all the fun bits, so they do it all.

E.g. at Badgers a couple of weeks ago, they all went on a walk, which my two found boring, and hot. We do lots of walks ourselves, but for some reason, they didn't like this one! But they didn't say they wanted to stop going, they just shrugged it off.

And being bored at home is the best thing for developing an imagination and coming up with ideas for playing and doing things

It's a different sort of bored than, for instance, bright children get in school, which, I think, is actually damaging. If they get bored in school, they're learning that learning is boring.

Iloveponies, I've been in much the same situation as you. The school wanted my 7yo dd on Ritalin and I refused so we ended up HEing both her and her sister. She's been a different child since we've done that and she learns more in a day at home than she was doing at school.

We use an online curriculum (k12.com) which is unfortunately American, but actually I find it doesn't offend my British sensibilities too much except for a few oddities in history and English. I'm convinced that anyone could teach from that. (No, I don't work for them.. I know this sounds like an advert). But I have thought about dropping the curriculum now I have the gist of what it's about.

I don't think you need any particular personality. Just an interest in your kids, great materials and reasonably enthusiastic children. I have no regrets about HE and am really glad to be out of school in general, for many reasons.

Methylphenidate (Ritalin/Equasym) isn't just for fitting in at school. It's about helping the brain to think clearly enough to cope with life in general, like staying focused enough to eat a meal, have a shower etc without getting distracted. It helps reduce anger and frustration too.

Sometimes a change of environment and isn't enough. ADHD is a debilitating condition that affects all areas of a person's life, not just school and education. My son began taking medication a year after coming out of school and it's transformed the quality of his life. He can function in society now in a way that he couldn't before. He will always have AS and ADHD and he needs treatment for them, just as an asthma sufferer might need steroid medication to help them breathe.

Doctors don't prescribe it easily either. A patient has to meet strict criteria and none worth their salt would hand over a prescription just to make a child fit into school.

You should see how many children are on Ritalin where I am, bacon.

IMO, medication is a last resort. The potential side effects of ADHD drugs can be horrible and the long term effects aren't well enough studied for me to be comfortable with my child taking them unless they are absolutely necessary.

HEing has assured me that they are not necessary in our case. My child just needs a rather different approach to average children and she doesn't function well in a classroom (we tried two schools).

With one to one attention and different communication styles, she has absolutely flourished. Not only at home but in her outside activities and social life.

I don't deny that it's used nor the number of children taking it. I'm objecting to the assumption that its only (or even primary) use is to get them to fit into school, because its used for issues far wider than that. It's about enabling them to fit into life.