Why am I sending my son to school?

[Teddyisonhisway]

(Please bear with me - the A on my keyboard is being tempermental this morning so spelling will be terrible!)
My DS is 13, in year 8. He has Asperger's Syndrome and goes to a unit which is part of a mainstream school. He is in mainstream classes for all subjects apart from Modern Languges. As he hs AS, he is very socially awkward. He's not shy, he just doesn't have a clue when it comes to maintaining friendships, appropriate behviour towards other kids (ie he can be abrupt and abrasive with people). I guess because of this he has always been the subject of bullying, but the last couple of yers it's every week he comes home nd something has happened, a kid has threatened to kill him, 12 kids chased him down the street, he gets name-called "retard" pretty much on a daily basis... I'm just tired of it now, I'm sick to death of other kids being so horrible to him, I'm sick of trying to sort out every bloody kid that wants to beat him up, I'm sick of the guilt of sending him to school every day, it feels like I'm throwing him to the lions. So fr I've stuck with it because I've been told time nd time again by family, teachers, ed psych that DS needs the social interation from school - but does he? If this is the social interaction he's getting, is that really so beneficial? I'm just sick of trying to mke my square peg son fit into a round hole... but then I think if I home-school him will he turn into a hermit, and have bigger problems when he's older because he hasn't had school to develop his social skills. He does not want to be friends with other AS kids (it's like inverse prejudice with him) but the "normal" (his words) kids he wants to play with contnuously reject and bully him. And the problem isn't just with school, it's with kids around our area as well... Sorry, I just need to have a good rant. I don't know what to do to help him. I would gladly home school him - I have a First BA in English, I'm a SAHM (have been for the last 10 years and will be for foreseeable future as I'm PG with DS3), I would be able to pay for a maths tutor to come to us out of his DLA... I just wonder if this is the right thing to do, or will I be mking it worse for him in the future when it comes to forming relationships with people... just really don't know what to do!!!

OK. Deep breath. Now copy this post and paste it into an email to this email list here (the HE-special list). And wait for the flood of messages from parents with AS children saying what a good decision HE has been for their family. I could, off the top of my head, name you 4 or 5 families of my immediate acquaintance for whom HE has been somewhere between a life enhancing experience and a life saver for their AS children.

The glory of HE is that a child who finds social interactions challenging can gradually build those skills within or just at the edge of their comfort zone rather than in the lion's den.

If that is part of him, then school (and probably nothing else) will "fix" him. Do you want him"fixed"? Does he want "fixed"? It is only a problem if he is a hermit as an adult if it makes him unhappy. How does he get on with siblings and other family members?

I know several EHE kids with a diagnosis of AS (and several, inc my DD, who are likely to have deen diagnosed if they had been in school). EHE enables you to deal with the social issues:

• You can avoid difficult situations.
• You can discuss problems (because you were there and saw what happened) and how to deal with them in future.
• You can go to situations that test him and then leave after 10 minutes if that is enough (for him or other children).
• You can go to places where there is a focus on what interests him, with people of all ages (adults tend to be more accepting of "odd" behaviour that is not disruptive).

If you'd like to talk on the phone, I'd be happy to give you my number.

Do I want him "fixed"? Hmmn... Well, tbh I myself am very socially awkward, hate social situations, happy just to have 3 very close friends and to be left alone... I notice that DS and I share the same awkwardness, but whereas I'm happy to be a hermit he isn't, he wants to go out and play, and he's also beginning to be interested in girls, he would like to make friends, he just can't do it and he gets frustrated. We do talk about what he should do and say in certain situations, but when it comes to putting that into practise, he usually gets so worked up with frustration and anger that he forgets how he's supposed to act and loses it. I thought for a long time that going to school would "fix" that awkwardness but it seems to get harder the older he gets, his little oddities and eccentricities are more noticible to older children, and the bullying is now more vicious. If he had some hobby where he could get together and be nerdy with other little nerds I wouldn't worry so much about taking him out of school, but his interests are very solitary and on top of that we live in a rural area. He isn't a Scouts sort of kid, and he stopped going to football coaching as he couldn't cope with not being able to control the game. I've been googling home schooling all morning, and feel at this early stage I could give it a good try but I know that if/when I should suggest it to DS's dad (ex-p), his biggest objection to it will be the social aspect... and then I come full circle and think, if his only socialisation is with bullies what is he going to gain?
Sorry for the second really long post, I'm just thinking aloud when I'm posting here really, but replies are all food for thought, thank you both

I know it isn't much help, but I think it can be hard to envisage how the socialisation will work with HE until you do it, IYSWIM. We found the social side has evolved over time, and continues to do so. When you go somewhere to do something your child is interested in, they tend to meet other like minded people, of all ages. The same age thing will be an issue now as he has been in school his whole life, but becomes much less so once you are out of that environment.

Our home ed group does so many different things that you can pick and choose what suits the child, and they can make friends who share the same likes. There tends to be less socialisation issues because they are not exclusively with the same children for 7 hours a day, so they can be more tolerant. My daughter has been much, much more sociable since coming out of school, but I suspect that's because she isn't forced into it and because almost all of it is positive.

I think the socialisation thing would be fine out of school for your son and a much better experience than he is getting now....but it's hard to really see how it will work when you are still in school - I've been there!

Could he come out of school to give it a try for 6 months or a year? That's what we did when my two came out (they've never returned!). Would the school still have spaces for him?

You see I fought bloody hard for 3 years to get him into the Aspies unit and if I take him out, and it doesn't work, I probably won't be able to get him back in again... academically, I can't see it NOT working, I've just got to find something for him to do outside of the house. All he really enjoys is music/playing guitar, he's a real music anorak, but unfortunately tht tends to be solitary sort of thing. I'm wondering what non-competitive sporting activity I can get him into that would double as a PE lesson and a making friends opportunity... I might have to start a new thread to get some ideas!

Well, a bit off the wall, but we ice skate and that's where the girls, particularly my eldest, have made their best friends. There is a home ed session once a week at our local rink and I reckon well over 100 children go. They do group figure skating and ice hockey lessons. My girls have got so into it we go three or four times a week now, as do their closest friends.

From chatting to others on here, I don't think ours is the only rink that does this.

I'm not saying this is for you, but you'd be surprised at what is out there.

What about some kind of marshal (sp?) arts? My brother trains with the British team for something or other (I really should know ) and he thinks it's a fantastic thing for kids to do. Physical but doesn't have to be much contact I don't think.

My Dp suggests finding a model making/warhammer style club. Social games, but with lots of interesting rules and history and fiddly little models. Google games workshop.

He also asks if you have a garage or any kind of outbuilding or cellar that could be used for band practise. Don't take this the wrong way, but many, if not most, amatuer bands have a member who is maybe not the best socially or musically, but his mum has the practise room/big car for transport...

He also suggests your DS looks into volunteering to keep score at the local cricket club. Apparently this is very mathematical and complicated, and he will get to know all the rules and club members. Educational and social!

Hope that helps. I have probably been horrifically stereotyped there, sorry if I have!

If I were in your position I'd jump at the chance to HE. I'm in the same situation with my DS, also Year 8. Except that there's not special AS unit that he can go to. He does 2 days at school, Wednesday at home with DH, and Thurday Friday at school. It's worked better for him this way - but I'm very aware that he'd probably do better academically if we could HE. when he gets home he's so exhausted by the whole going to school thing that he really can't do anything extra to help academically. DH does alot of social skills stuff with him on a Wednesday - they go out and about doing things that interest both of them.

Hi i HE my 6 yr old son (ASD) and im under alot of pressure from professionals to put my son into a unit for social reasons ...i dont see how your son will be gaining anything socially if anything he will feel less likely to be social.
I detested school as a child and have terrible memories of being made to go to school and as i got older it didnt make me more social i got to the age of 14 and refused to go.
Your post has got me thinking about my own son and how ive been talked into trying my son in a unit when deep down its not what i want...i think its because nobody around me supports me home educating,i barely talk to family now.

You don't have to follow the National Curriculum if you HE, so, as long as he's getting enough excercise to stay healthy, it doesn't have to be something you can chalk up as sports.

Butterpie's suggestion of a Warhammer type game, or maybe some tabletop roleplay? Sounds like a good idea. These also include a great deal of numeracy and literacy skills as well as having a social community.