3 year old refusing nursery

[ButterPie]

DD1 started her 15 free hours of nursery on Monday. She went for three days and seemed to absolutely love it, but yesterday and today she has refused to go. Both times I have said "ok, let's get you ready for nursery" and she has said "no, I don't like nursery, I don't want to go". She won't give me any more details.

She doesn't really NEED to go, although I was enjoying the break, but we were hoping to use it as a trial run to see if she took to being in a large group or if we should be looking at home education.

We are going on holiday next week, should we try again the week after, or is it just going to be more stress for a just turned 3 year old? Should I insist on her going today? (She has a place 1pm - 4pm)

Help!

We had a plan in place for if she refused school that we would tell her that if she still didn't like it by the end of term, she could come out of school, but we would make it clear that she wasn't just going to be able to sit about watching tv and that she had to stay out for at least a term, then we would review it (basically to stop her just deciding not to go in because she wants a lie in one day), but we didn't think we would be putting into place this early.

We agonised over sending her to nursery, but decided that it would probably be fun for her, give me a chance to get my business going and spend time with DD2 alone, and let us see how she did.

Or is it just normal nerves?

(posting on the preschool forum as well to see what people there think)

I think you need to remember who is the parent here. When you say, if she refuses school, you'll try next term....are you serious, or did you mean nursery?

It is not full time nursery, and in my view (no doubt others may differ) it would be a good thing at 3 to go to nursery.

I don't think what a 3yo feels about nursery has much relation to how a 5yo will feel about school. Lots of 3yo will love nursery while they're there but say they don't want to go some days - I think it has to depend to what extent you think she is genuinely unhappy about going and how much is just "I'd rather stay here today thanks", plus how that weighs against the things you want to do in her absence. The preschool thread will probably give you a feel of how much weight most mums give to one side or the other. Personally, I wouldn't have made a distressed 3yo go to nursery, but I don't see any problem in saying "Yes you are going to nursery" and having a routine, rather than letting a small child decide what they will do from one day to the next.

I also don't think any of this makes any difference to thinking about HE - if you want to HE she will still need to do things she doesn't feel like, and if she goes to school she will very likely settle fine to it, like most children do.

I don't think you should start school giving her the feeling that it might not be ok, that she might not like it, etc - you'd be setting her/school up to fail from the start if you take that route with her. Having it in the background of your own mind is fine, having it in her mind is counter-productive. You do seem to be expecting school to be a problem - that sort of feeling does rub off on children, they pick up on your lack of confidence, and feel unconfident themselves. Better if you are sending her to school to do it with every confidence that its the right decision.

As a home educator, and a bit of an alfie Kohn-type TCS-type parent, I would completely back away from forcing her to go. She tried. She didn't like it. NBD. "OK, we'll try nursery again when you're older". Try nursery again in september if you like.

If your child doesn't HAVE to go to nursery

and they are saying clearly that they don't WANT to go to nursery,

why the heck would you send them?!

'Tis a crazy crazy cultural norm, this idea that children need to become accustomed as early as possible to spending increasing amounts of time away from their primary carers.

I have always said that I want my children to take independence at their own pace, to be walking off without a backward glance, not to be forced into independence before they are ready. It is a marvellous thing to watch, a child TAKING independence rather than having it foisted upon them.

ommmward, that is kind of my philosophy. The days when she enjoyed it, it was lovely, she ran in and got stuck in without a backward glance. I just don't think she needs to be forced, and in fact it could be storing up problems for later in life if she feels that I am chucking her out, against her will, so I can play games or whatever with DD2.

Hopefully I have been boring enough this afternoon so she knows I don't do exciting things, so when we come back from the holiday, we can try again. If she goes for a few more days and still doesn't like it, that is fine. I have no concerns, she is very bright, friendly and outgoing, so there is no point making her unhappy. Then again, she might go back and remember that she loves it and be begging to go more, either way, I will support her.

Of course, when she is at home it's not all jelly and ice cream, she has to help with chores (not that she actually helps, more gets in the way, but it's all learning) and we play lots of learning games, go on daytrips and to groups and do reading, writing and counting, so I doubt she would miss out at home. I think the nursery is lovely too though, so it's no big deal either way.

Try a different nursery.

I thought ds2's nursery was lovely, (and tbh I still do) but he had increasing hysterical behavior every morning until I pulled him out.

I then sent him to a different one, and he has not looked back, he adores the place.

mumof2, I just noticed you asked me a question, yes I am serious about letting her come out of school if she really doesn't like it. I spent years in actual physical pain from the stress of school because I just wasn't a child that suited it, I don't want to put my daughter through that and so if she was unhappy (not just wanting a lie in, I must stress) then why would I send her to school? I am currently trying to get a business going from home so I can be here and we can have that option, if not I will have to look at shift work that fits around DPs shifts.

Butterpie - I didn't ever send my DD to nursery. I don't see the point and am very suspicious of the whole culture of sending one's children to nursery whether it is necessary or not. I got lots of comments (all bloody negative apart from my lovely HE friends) but it did DD absolutely no harm. In fact I think she is more confident and does better at school because I didn't force her into independence too early.