Why did you decide to HE? What are the best and worst bits?

[ChairmumMiaow]

DS is not quite 2 so we've got plenty of time to make up our minds.

However, I have taught at university and secondary level (not for long periods of time though) and I worry about the traits I saw in so many of the young people I came into contact with and their complete lack of enthusiasm for learning.

So many of the people I saw didn't seem to know how to learn unless they were spoon fed each detail. They couldn't problem solve or find out information for themselves.

At secondary level I hated the exam focused nature of the job, and the time constraints that mean there was no time to even give a nod to the children's interests, even if they were relevant.

I'm hoping that I could do 'better' but it is a big step, particularly when it means I won't go back to paid work for maybe 18-20 years (am pregnant with our second, should be our last). I want my son to grow up loving learning and reading, and having practical skills (I want to help them to learn cooking, and menu planning and budgeting and other life skills). I know I could do much of this on top of school, but I feel like I could probably make better use of the time.

DS and I have spent a lot of time recently visiting museums in London (DH is working there so we've gone to visit him) and I have been struck by the things we've talked about in the context of the visits. I'm sure he's learnt stuff, but we've had such a lovely time I can't help thinking that we could have some good fun!

My worries revolve around questioning my own dedication (how can I make myself focus on what will be my full time job?) and on socialisation (which I know can be addressed but I worry about getting to places as a non-driver)

I've waffled on a lot but probably because I don't have clear ideas on all this yet.

I am going to get in touch with the local HE group, but to get my brain focused a bit, can I have some of your opinions and experiences?

So, as per the thread title, why did you decide to HE, what are the best bits and what do you like least about it all?

TIA!!

Why did I decide to HE? Initially because of your reasons - sounded fun! I was pg with DD1 at the time. Then DH and I read more about it and became more and more sure that it was the best thing to do.

Now we HE for many, many reasons - so they don't become institutionalised, so they don't get dumbed down, so they don't get pushed too hard, so they don't get bored, so they don't lose their love of learning, so they can focus on the things they want to focus on when and and for as long as they want to, so they don't get forced to do things they hate which they won't learn from so will just be a waste of time and they won't learn anything of it, so they won't be treated badly, bullied, forced to remain in a situation they are unhappy in.

More positive reasons - because it really is such great fun. They are learning so so much, in the way that suits them best.

What I love best is observing the different ways they learn, and being involved in their learning. And the times I see them doing something they love that I know they wouldn't be able to do if they were in school.

What I love least is trying to explain autonomous learning over and over again. It would be not ever getting a break, but my family and DH's family are completely supportive so I get a lot of breaks and time away from the children, and DH is hugely helpful - does absolutely loads.

I recommend meeting up with HEors from now on (I started when my DD1 was 2) and trying to build up relationships with other HE families who have children a similar age to yours. Also to read and read - John Holt, Alan Thomas both good. John Taylor Gatto. For reading, I highly recommend Liz Waterland - Read With Me: An Apprenticeship Approach to Reading.

Hello ChairmumMiaow

Why did you decide to HE?

I had heard about HE through a friend of a friend - a teacher had taken his 3 children out of school. My eldest DS was in reception at the time and when I heard this story I thought it was utterly ridiculous and the man insane; but it stayed in my mind. Up until then I hadn't known it was legal to do such a thing.

Eldest appeared to get on fine at school, but I was concerned about what he was learning. He never seemed to tell me about what he had learnt that day. He'd tell me about things in the playground, etc, but it appeared that nothing he learned in school really set him alight. The standard of work concerned me too and I started to wonder about the National Curriculum. It seemed to be incredibly broad, but also at the same time quite shallow. To me it seemed that the children were not given enough time to study any aspect of what they learned till they actually mastered it before moving on to something else. I was expected to help him master it all at home via homework, extra curricular activities etc. I started to wonder why it was that I was having to do so much after a six hour day in school.

Then 2nd DS came along and we went through the same steps, nursery etc. But he was different, he didn't like the hectic over-stimulated environment of the classroom, and he started complaining - not wanting to go etc. He had a great teacher that year who understood that he was one of the youngest and went out of her way to encourage him and always let me stay all day if necessary. But in Year 1 it quickly became all about formal academics. I once came into the school to find him crying uncontrollably because he had been denied break time. His teacher said it was because he had 'only written two sentences' in his book and then proceeded to show me her assessment book and explained that he was writing and reading at the lowest level. He was only 5. I watched as my son started to hate learning, reading, everything. He was so anxious he chewed his sleeves to rags everyday, and his teacher complained that he sucked his thumb too much. He started crying before school. One morning after a screaming fit I just decided there and then not to send him again to what had become an anti-learning environment for him.

Soon the eldest wanted to leave too - despite seemingly having enjoyed school and we have now been HE for just over a year.

The PROs

Seeing them thrive in all ways. Watching them actually get excited about their work and enjoy learning.

Watching and helping them grasp something they struggled with before, watching them make that leap.

learning together

Getting closer as a family

Not having to stay inside all day when the weathers great. Freedom to go where you want when you want and can stay as long as you want.

Getting all those great times yourself, not giving it to a stranger.

The Cons

Not as much 'me' time sometimes you want a little respite

Dealing with other peoples attitudes

More effort is required to develop the socialisation side - can involve a lot of travel.

Can end up spending quite a bit on travel, books etc.

If you can be bothered to read all that I hope it helps.

Wow thanks for the detailed responses! Lots to think bout!

I was talking to DS's auntie last night (who is very importan to him) and she comes from a backgroud working in nurseries. She worries that even with out of school clubs etc DS won't have the eight opportunities to make friends - that he won't have a wide pool to choose from. I'm not sure about that but I do worry about him not spending enough time away from me!

I think the next step is to get in touch with our local group when we are better (stinking colds) and do some reading, but more opinions will be gratefully accepted!

At not quite 2, I don't think you have to worry about him not spending enough time away from you just yet.

Heh of course not yet, but as he gets to 8 or 10...

The thing you think will be the biggest issue, the socialisation, will be the least issue, I promise you. With my 10 year old, I worry that she doesn't spend enough time with me. Seriously. She is so independent, she seems to be forever at sleepovers, dance classes, book clubs, rehearsals, home ed groups, Nintendo DS days.... I could go on. Plus she and her older sister have taken to going places alone without me on the train - Christmas shopping, ballet, for lunch. She goes with her 13 year old sister or they go with friends but to be honest she could cope perfectly well on her own. My elder daughter was in school at 10 and didn't have nearly as much independence or as big a social life.

Pros-

It's great fun!

Your children aren't influenced so much by others around them. They plough their own furrow in life. I see other 13 year olds and they'll hardly speak to their parents because it's uncool. The home educated 13 year olds I know are absolutely lovely. They can talk to you properly! I am so glad my 13 year old isn't in school.

Their education is better than anything they could get in school. My 13 year old has just sat her first Maths GCSE module, and sits 2 more GCSEs in the summer. When she came out of school, teaching her was hard work. All of a sudden, she's teaching herself! She's so self-directed, so motivated, so interested in what she does. I hear some of her school friends talking about how they hate maths and feel so pleased we do what we do. Plus, you don't have to be restricted to exams at all.

You can go sledging if it snows. You can go shopping when it's quiet. You can bake cakes all day and call it home economics. You can have breakfast in pyjamas at 11am. You can do what you want, when you want.

Cons-
You put yourself in a minority group. I've found this the hardest part to deal with. You'll battle govenments who want your child to be institutionalised from birth to 18, maybe 21.

You will face ignorance and opposition from people who don't know any better, sometimes even from family at first. You'll need to be strong in standing up for what you believe.

It's hard to wrap up Christmas stockings!

One last thought, do you necessarily need to put your career on hold for all those years? I know lots of people who fit work around HE. I'm a teacher too and I teach from home and HE with great success. I'm not saying you should work, by the way, I'm saying if you want to,you can.

Hope this helps.

Hi Chairmummiaw,
we are in a similar position to you in that DS is only 2.9, but ive been thinking about HE for ages. Im a secondary school teacher (well, i was before DS) and know quite a few other teachers who HE.

For me there are many reasons why i think HE would be better for us,

• i dont want him to waste his time following arbitary rules put in place not for his benefit but to enable a large organisation to run smoothly
• i want him to be able to follow his own interests as far as he wants to, and not be restricted to "this term we do photosynthesis" etc.
• i dont want him to be either held back or pushed too hard, i want him to have a personalised learning experience. Schools say they try to do this, but the reality is so different.
• i want him to socialise with people of all ages, not just those born within 6 months of him
• i want him to have freedom and opportunities not accessible to schooled children. If he is interested in a language, i will take him to that country for an extended holiday (if feasible with DHs work)

If he is interested in car maintenance (which looks very very likely as he always seems to have a car or two welded to himself) then we could buy an old banger to work on or he could get to know some local mechanics and offer to help out.

• i want him to be able to think for himself, and not have to be constrained into thinking "what does the examiner want me to say". I know how in secondary school we are forced to teach for the exams, not really for the love of the subject.

I am least worried about the social aspect of HE - around here (east of England) there is SO much happening we could be out every day several times over.

Saying that - i do have the odd wobble where i worry about my ability to facilitate all of this, and i worry about never having a minute to myself, and worry that as he loves nursery (two mornings a week) that maybe he would want to go to school and i may be denying him what he needs. aaagghhh. I just want to do my best for him and its so difficult to know what that is isnt it!
What helps me is when i meet HE'd children - all my fears vanish!

My big pro is that ds and I are great mates. We learn things together a lot of the time, have lots of fun etc. I love being with him (he is 7).

It's a big pro for me becasue he spent 2 years at pre-school/school and had so many probelms there behaviour wise that I began to resent him and I am ashamed to say there were times where althogh I still loved him and would have happily laid down my life for him, I didn't actually like him very much due to all the stress he was putting me under. SIce rewalising it was school that was the problem, not him, we have put all that behind us and are having a wonderful time together.

We had such a bad time from the second he started bursery to the day he left reception for HE that I hand on heart have no cons about home ed.

Oh and OP - I worried a lot about socialisation when we first started out. ds is out at a different activity every weekday evening now, and two days a week at home ed groups/activities.....I sometimes wish he didn't have quite such a hectic scedule!

Sorry, just read that your ds aunt was worried he wouldn't make friends at after school activities. Ds has made loads of friends at his activities, and so have I with the other parents. His recent birthday party was heaving - he had a strict limit on how many he could invite! He has eneded up with a vast circle of friends, HE and schooled it is fantastic.

Socialisation? Well, we don't sit still! In fact, I'm starting to think we're too busy and could do with more time at home just us at the moment.

I counted up the number of children my children regularly spend time with - at groups, large and small, and at eachother's houses, and it's at least the same number as in a normal class but the children are all different ages and loads of different combinations are identifiable in terms of who plays with who etc.

And there are far more children than that with whom they have an opportunity to make friends with, but who they haven't really clicked with in the same way.

Half of their friends are people they've known since my DD1 was your DS's age - a group of us started a 'pre-home edders' group for pre-school aged children, so they've kind of grown up together, and then more children of different ages have joined in as the group has evolved and changed venue to something more appropriate for the children's needs.

They now meet with friends at 6 different large social gatherings per month, and at several little weekly more focussed activities which some families go to and others don't, and then at eachothers houses between those times.

It's a million times better for them than they would have in school. They have hours to just play long involved games together, which you don't get in school. They can choose to dip in and out of things - if things are going badly, or they just need a bit of 'home time' then they just don't go to the groups so much for a while. No pressure.

Just to add something about the after school activities. When my youngest was in school, she did after school activities, but she didn't seem to make proper friends of any of the children. I think she'd had enough of children by the time 3.15 came around!

In the 2 years or so she's been out of school, she's made really good friendships in her dance, drama etc classes. One little girl in particular from dance is her "best friend" and they seem to have constant sleepovers etc. This child, as are the others she's friends with, is in school. Despite being in school, and having friends there, she still counts DD2 as her best friend. All the children in the after school activities know that DD2 doesn't go to school and it doesn't seem to be an issue among children like it is for some adults. Mostly they just say "cool!" Quite frequently they say "You're SO lucky!"

So I have found that mixing with schooled children in after school clubs and making really good friendships is no problem at all. Often, I think it is easier because home educated children tend to be more confident about approaching others and making the first move, so friendship grows more easily.

We've only been HE since September. DS1 finished year 6 at primary school and didn't go on to secondary school.

I second what musicposy has said about 'ploughing their own furrow'. When he was at school DS1 had to pretend to like playing football in order to fit in. He loves playing the flute but was horribly teased as he was the only boy in the flute group. In so many ways, and in such a short time, he is now able to be himself. He gets on so much better with his brothers now as he is mixing with people of all ages, rather than 30 children of the same age.

We've just got back from a day in Paris for his birthday, a day trip in the middle of the week, something we wouldn't have been able to do if he was at school. I am so proud of the 12 year old I've just spent the day with. This time last year I would have been ignored or told off for talking to him and 'showing him up' in public. None of that today and I am so happy that my kind and friendly son is back.

We're using an internet school, so his learning is 'school-like' and structured. The difference is that he is treated more like a student and expected to be responsible for researching and following up on stuff himself, rather than having it measured out. I have found him working on projects voluntarily, whereas before I would have to force him to sit down and get homework finished. Taking him out of the school system is the best decision we've made for him yet and his brother will be joining him in September instead of going into primary year 6.

Sorry.

I've just posted the pros.

Cons. Having to explain what we're doing again and again to people.

Just thought of another con - how flipping frustrating it is talking to/hearing from parents whose children are not getting on at school and knowing that HE would be the best answer but also knowing the parents wouldn't even consider it

FlamingoBingo, I know what you mean. A really good friend of mine has a son who is (very mildly) autistic. He begs to be at home like my ds is, school is so stressful for him. She is always in school meetings about ways to help him 'cope' with school etc, but she won't hear of HE and thinks I am mad for doing it.

I know it's her choice, so I don't go on about HE at all, but it just makes me wonder what kind of a system school is when there are some children who have to have so much help just to cope with getting through the day.

Thanks for all this. It is really helping and I am definitely going to look more, and show DS's auntie this! Perhaps she will come along and ask some questions.

Another concern is that I don't want to make other parents feel like I am criticising their choice to leave their child in school. I know its a personal choice, as much to do with the adult as the child. However, talking about the positives of HE and the potential negatives of school does seem to make people feel that way, however sensitive I try to be. Anyone else get that?

Oh yes, all the time. Even though I never, ever bring up the topic of HE myself. Other parents do though (parents of schooled kids), and then work themselves up into a tizz decribing everything that is brilliant about thier DC school in minute detail - all while I am sat there trying not to fall asleep! I have better things to do with my time than to talk about education, but the second other parents find out you HE, I have found it is hard to get them off the subject.

School was a deeply negative experience for MY child (amd the rest of my family to watch him go through all that he did) but if my friends child finds it a wonderful experience, good for them. That is my attitude, and that is how I try to dispel any long, boring conversations about school Vs HE that other parents try and drag me into, sometimes it works, but then infuriatingly, you get the kind of people who try to help with ways it could have been more positive, what their wonderful school would have done, "why don't you send them to my dcs school, it's great" etc. It can sometimes be like banging your head against a brick wall.

Whatever you do in life that goes against the 'norm' people will take it as a critisim of the way they live their lives. That is their problem, not yours.

I think if you want other parents to not feel criticised, then you need to balance up what you say about HE being positive and school being (even "potentially") negative. They will always counter those views with their own - which will always be that "our school" is not a negative experience.

And they are not lying, or kidding themselves - a good school will be a positive experience for a child who thrives in a school environment. If, like many parents, they have made an effort to find a good school, one that they are happy with, and where their child has been made to feel secure and happy, then telling them that HE is great and schools have a huge list of problems is not going to go down well!

So, if you genuinely don't want to make them feel insulted, then try to show as much respect for their decision-making as you hope they will show for yours. You will still encounter people who disapprove of HE, for more-or-less ignorant reasons, but you don't have to put people's backs up before they get to know you by being too keen to point out all the things you think are wrong with schools.

"Another concern is that I don't want to make other parents feel like I am criticising their choice to leave their child in school. I know its a personal choice, as much to do with the adult as the child. However, talking about the positives of HE and the potential negatives of school does seem to make people feel that way, however sensitive I try to be. Anyone else get that?"

Yes, all the time, but I just try to be quiet, and I certainly wouldn't let it put me off educating my chidlren the way I think best

I've made a lot of unconventional choices since having babies and I'm now very used to the feeling that I am assumed to be saying I think someone else has made the wrong decision by being vocal about my own IYSWIM.

Hi ChairmunMiaow - I love your name!

Pros - ds is happy, school for him (he has aspergers) was miserable and boring

He spends hours reading all sorts of stuff.

Cons - for us at the moment its the few social opportunities. I think thats because we live in the sticks. Few he groups here and a lot of infighting amongst the parents over petty things

Another con is worrying that HE will somehow fail my children (I know this is silly but I still worry about) Generally I worry about this most when I have let them "do whatever" for three days in a row and they are still wearing pj's at 11am.

But they do learn constantly - its me that worries, unnecessarily!

"Another con is worrying that HE will somehow fail my children (I know this is silly but I still worry about) Generally I worry about this most when I have let them "do whatever" for three days in a row and they are still wearing pj's at 11am."

Whenever I think this, I remind myself that school is far more likely to fail them but that it would be easier not to blame myself if it did, so would be a cop-out to send them

I am considering HE my eldest who is 6. We have given it til xmas (his idea) and are then going to decide what to do over the holidays.

Tbh, if we dont do it then, we will almost definately do it when he starts juniors next sept...he is just not ready and its going to be awful for him (and us).

"wearing PJs at 11am"...ah, bliss!!!!!

Becaroo - wearing what you like when you flipping well want! That's the best thing

Little or no peer pressure is one of the biggest pros for me that I hadn't though about yet. My DDs do often want what their friends have, but not because their friends have them, or because they'll be left out if they don't have them, but because they've enjoyed playing with whatever it is. I can't say the same for my friends' schooled children, sadly. I feel hugely proud that my children are growing up confident in themselves as individuals who can make choices that are right for them and not being influenced by the need to fit in.