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Find advice from other parents on our Homeschool forum. You may also find our round up of the best online learning resources useful.

Please help I really dont know what to do

10 replies

MissPitstop · 13/03/2009 11:55

My DS is 9 and has Aspergers. He has struggled with going to school over the last few years but recently it has been really bad. He finds school really stressful and too noisy and struggles with the social aspects but doesnt show any of this at school but when he gets home and before school he is really upset, aggressive and violent toward his siblings and myself. Recently he has begun to self harm. We have tried for support for him at school but because he manages to achieve in class and doesnt disrupt this has been unsucessful.

Today I couldnt put him through the stress of a day at school wearing "something red" and doing Red nose day activities (both stressful as they are different from his usual school day) so I agreed to let him stay at home with me as long as he agreed that he would be doing work at home with me. I thought that he had calmed down but my first attempt at getting him to do some work ended up with him in tears, scribbling all over it, tearing it up and throwing his pencil across the room because he said it was rubbish.

This morning I was all set on being able to home ed him at least until his mental health improves but now feel like this wont really really help him. Im not sure that he will respond to being taught by me. Im also worried how I will provide him with a decent education and look after DS3 18 months and DS4 due next month.

Has anyone been through similar problems or can offer any sort of advice?

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 13/03/2009 12:04

Hi, sorry I've no real experience of Aspergers, but one thing I have definitely found out about home education is that how children settle to it has very little connection to how they feel about doing "homework" with their parents. So, your experience today of trying him to get him to do schoolwork with you does not mean that you would have problems home educating. He's clearly very stressed by it at the moment, and that's been coming out in the way he behaves at home. So, when you ask him to do schoolwork you get the worst of both worlds - the stress he feels about school, plus being at home and therefore feeling safe enough to express his feelings about it. So, I'm not surprised he reacted that way. (I don't mean to make you feel bad about trying to do it, I can see that if you keep him off school for the day you feel he should be doing the work).

I can't tell you whether home education would ork for him or not, but please don't think the problems today show it would be a problem, because it really doesn't work that way.

If you do decide to HE, then I would really suggest some time deschooling - giving him a chance to get over the negative feelings about it for a good long while before starting back to doing anything "educational". That lets children who've had a hard time in school get over it enough to look forward to learning again.

HTH

knat · 13/03/2009 12:07

my dd is 5 and started reception in september and has aspergers. She has struggled on and off but since going back in January she's consistently been not coping - although her behaviour shows at school - violent and aggressive behaviour, disrupting class, shouting, arguing and defiance. She'snot really accessing anything at school and find sit "too manychildren" and too noisy. We are going to home ed and are taking her out at the end of next week. I think if you look at home ed there's always a period of deschooling and then you can do learning in an autonomous or structured way - we're doing a bit of both. If your child is more secure and you do learning in an iinteresting way you may find it will be ok - i dont know - i expect i'm going to find out!!!!

dandycandyjellybean · 13/03/2009 12:53

Can recommend a brilliant book 'how children learn at home'. It emphasises that 0-5 children learn an immense amount through a process of osmosis during normal living and playing activities and that edding at home need not follow a structured formal 'lesson' and indeed the education process benefits from not doing so. And then suddenly school forces a 'one size fits all' way of learning, that often suits very few. Try totally de-schooling for a while, as amuminscotland says, chill, and just enjoy doing activites with him, cooking, planting things in the garden, etc, and let the learning happen that way.

sarah573 · 13/03/2009 13:25

My son is 10 with Aspergers, and I am considering home schooling him. He's not been to school since May and is at the moment recieving LEA supplied tution at home. The LEA are very keen to get him back to school, however he will need to go to a special school, and the choices available are not suitable, which is why I am considering teaching him myself.

He has a rather tempramental attitude to work, so I have simiular concerns to you, about actually motivating him. Our education would have to be very structured, as this is how DS works, he would need a fixed time table so he knew exactly what he was doing and when he was doing it.

I think your problems today probably came from a change to your sons routine. Y

sarah573 · 13/03/2009 13:25

My son is 10 with Aspergers, and I am considering home schooling him. He's not been to school since May and is at the moment recieving LEA supplied tution at home. The LEA are very keen to get him back to school, however he will need to go to a special school, and the choices available are not suitable, which is why I am considering teaching him myself.

He has a rather tempramental attitude to work, so I have simiular concerns to you, about actually motivating him. Our education would have to be very structured, as this is how DS works, he would need a fixed time table so he knew exactly what he was doing and when he was doing it.

I think your problems today probably came from a change to your sons routine. Y

sarah573 · 13/03/2009 13:28

Opps sorry, hit the wrong button!!!!!!!!

.....He is not used to working with you at home, which has no doubt caused him anxiety. I would say it's not an accurate reflection on how things will go in the furture.

MissPitstop · 13/03/2009 14:14

Weve had a better afternoon, we have made some red nose day biscuits for tea and he is playing on the Education City free trial doing whichever game he choses (I think at the moment he is doing German).

I think my theory this am was to not give him too soft (not sure thats the best way to explain it) an alternative to school so that he realises that if we stays off school he will have to do work still, especially as I have not yet decided whether or not to home school him yet.

How do any of you manage with a toddler or a baby around as well? Do any of you manage to work? How does the sibling who is still educated at school feel about getting less time with you?

Sorry for the bombardment of questions but Im so worried about how this is going to work out (both for his education and his mental health)and whether we can cope as a family etc..

OP posts:
julienoshoes · 13/03/2009 14:39

Hi MissPitstop and everyone else thinking of home educating a child with SEN,

There are an increasing number of families turning to home education-and a growing percentage of those families (IMHO) have children with SEN.

There are a number of things to consider-a child like yours (and mine) who found school so stressful and demoralising is probably going to need some time for his self esteem and confidence in his ability to return.

Our youngest child was diagnosed as very severely dyslexic/dyspraxic/dysgraphic and ADHD. I most definitely recognise;

'ended up with him in tears, scribbling all over it, tearing it up and throwing his pencil across the room because he said it was rubbish.'

I even tried putting on a timer so she could see that we really were going to only work for a few mins and yet she still ended up screaming her anxiety and belief that she was totally useless. She needed time to regain some self confidence, believe that she was safe and would not be forced back to school because she was useless.

We ended up letting go of formality in learning and allowing the child time to 'deschool', to relax and do only the things she was interested in for the time being. For us this worked well and eventually this time of deschooling became 'unschooling' or interest led, informal 'autonomous education'.
Other children's love of structure returns and the family may choose to have a more formal timetable in place. There are different ways to home educate and each family will find the right path for themselves, however many children need time to 'deschool

"Deschooling is the process by which a child who has been in school re-acclimatises him or her self towards the new environment of home education from the school environment.

When a child is first removed from school the child's (and parents) expectations about what education is undergoes a period of reassessment. Schools follow a highly structured educational style with class learning regulated by the national curriculum and regular changes of subjects through the day. But its not just what is learned and how that changes, it's the institutional ethos. By this I mean the structured culture and authoritarian environment of school which of course plays little part in home life.

Sometime a child may have been traumatised by their school experiences. Perhaps by bullying, or the sense of being a small cog in a large institution. Sometimes it can be specific incidents leading to school refusal that leads to the decision to home educate. In these kinds of circumstances the process of deschooling is not limited to relearning how to learn, its learning how to trust in their own safety again. In this sense its the re-establishment of the child's concept of self and individuality.

Since their education has sometimes been bound together with fear and low self esteem then attempts to introduce formal learning into the child's life too soon after a removal from school may well be met with resistance from the child. It therefore can take some time for the child to see formal education as a safe and positive thing."

Whilst I heartily agree with the recommendation about Alan Thomas' book, there is another written especially for families such as yours and mine.
Home Educating our Autistic Spectrum Children : Paths are made by walking edited by Terri Dowty and Kit Cowlishshaw

Product description:
Mainstream educational provision for children on the autistic spectrum can be inadequate or inappropriate. An increasing number of parents dissatisfied with the education system are looking elsewhere for an approach that will suit their children's needs. In "Home Educating Our Autistic Spectrum Children", parents who have chosen to home educate their children with autism or Asperger's syndrome candidly relate their experiences: how they reached the decision to educate at home, how they set about the task, and how it has affected their lives. Following these personal accounts, the final chapters offer practical advice on getting started with home education, legal advice from an expert in education law, and contact details of support organisations

Please also have a look at the Home Education-Special Needs website and their associated email support list. I cannot recommend the list highly enough for any family considering home educating their child with SEN, there you will find the real experts on this subject, the parents actually doing this and they will recognise your situation immediately, as it is something most of the posters there will have gone through. You will find a very warm welcome and lots of support and damn good advice.

MissPitstop · 13/03/2009 19:03

Julienoshoes - thanks for email list, I have subscribed at loking forward to some more guidance. Im just about to order the book you recommended too.

OP posts:
mumtoboys · 17/03/2009 21:30

There are quite a few threads on this on this US board. Help this helps!

www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=71222&highlight=aspergers

Alice
ifnotschool.blogspot.com

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