A question for those that have home-educated for a while.

[Zaftig]

Do people ever stop criticising your choice?

Already I've found that everyone has an opinion on it and they aren't afraid to give voice to it. Almost always a negative opinion of course, and an un-educated one, no-one actually seems to know the facts or know anyone in RL that does it.

They take it as a negative comment on their decision to send their child to school. My decision is all based on the pro's of HE rather than the negatives of schools so it's not as if I'm forcing them into a defensive position.

I'd just once like it if someone's reply to me was, "Oh that sounds great, I hope you all enjoy it. Tell me more, I don't know much about it."

ARRGGHH.

I smile and grit my teeth at the negative comments and I'm only starting out.

Do you just let it go over your head once you've heard it all for year after year or do you still want to slap people with a wet fish?

TBH I think the people who have been negative in the past, seem to feel that by making different choices, I am somehow critical of their choice to send their children to school.
Nowadays I just talk about the parent being the best person to make an informed choice to do what is right for their family.

And I make sure I sound very confident about home education (but I am, because I think you become more confident as you see it working)

But yes I do get bored answering the same questions.

Sometimes when someone starts to ask something I say

"NO, the answer to whatever question you are going to ask is No.

No, we don't have to sit exams if the children don't want to
No, you don't have to have permission or be assessed by the LA
No, you don't have to be a teacher to do it
No, socialisation is not a pronblem
No, the children don't have a problem getting to university if they want to-there are ways and means.

By the time I have said all of that, they have gone off looking glazed over!

It does get boring actually. I have learned to only get into conversation if someone seems genuinely interested.

Hi Zaftig,
I have been HEing ds for around 2 yrs now, so not that long !!!
It is very difficult for people who have never questioned their decision (actually its often, less a decision and more just following the 'norm')to send their children to school. Showing them that there is an alternative often makes people feel insecure/inadequate that they have never consciously thought about their child's school attandance. This becomes clearer when their child asks to HE because your child is!!! I have been in some uncomfortable situations when faced with this!! Uncomfortable only in as much as I tell the truth!!!
You have made the decision to HE in the absolute best interests of your child. Hold onto that resolution when faced with negativity/criticism. The first time you get a positive response/genuine desire to know more about HE is exciting, you can feel the fire of a zealot in your bones !!!!
It was interesting (and sad) to see how many/few of my friends (?)signed the Review petition. Still, I will respect the fact that we have different opinions (and secretly plot to show HE in a golden/glowing/wonderful manner to all their children next time !!!!!)

Thanks for answering.

Julie, I'm going to remember your 'NO' comments.

rooftop, I can't wait for those zealot moments.

I guess I just need to remember their negativity says a lot about them and nothing about me.

hello everyone

i have to say am so fed up with the same thing, i seem to have gotten it from all sides and sometimes my dh chimes in along with them

will remember the 'no' comment thanks julie my dad just got back from egypt so will have to deal with him this week

bye for now

bridget

I guess I'm either very lucky or just only know really polite people, because the main reaction I seem to get is only a slightly baffled "Gosh, how unusual" or similar. It must be very dis-heartening to have people being negative about your choice, without even understanding it.

I think if you can get the right balance between sounding confident and positive in your choice, without coming across as criticising their choices, then it may reduce the negative reactions, but I guess there are just a lot of people who feel it's their right to disapprove of anything and everything from a position of total ignorance

"But are you SURE that's legal?"
"I'm sure that's not legal."
"But are you sure you can teach them everything they're supposed to know?"
"Aren't you worried they will fall behind"
"Are you a teacher?"
"Don't they miss their friends?"
"But there are good schools, my friend sends her children to..."
"when are you sending them back?"
"you'll have to send them back when they reach secondary school age"
"I think that's a bit extreme."
"don't you get inspected? "no" i'm sure that's not right....really?"
"I don't think it would be good for them to be so isolated"

Repeat all the above. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

I've only been doing this for a short time, and I have had every one of those questions aimed at me in varying degrees of alarmed and at worst, disapproving tones. However, to be fair, I have also had people ask me some of those questions out of genuine curiosity and interest. Some people have never had the option or were even aware that it existed. The concept is strange and a little baffling, because its so obvious! Like something that was there all the time but not noticed. And you know what,the first time I ever heard (second hand) of a man who was home teaching I scoffed and said it was ridiculous! The first HE event I ever went to, I asked all the parents the above questions. I was so patronising. I remember a meeting a single mum, who had never done her GCSEs and asking her how she could manage to teach her children (who had just gone back to school 2 years more advanced than the school taught ones)when she had no qualifications! She must have been inwardly sighing. I sounded like a moron, but I was genuinely interested, and genuinely perplexed. So now I try to remember how the concept sounded to me intially and try to be understanding. I'm also getting my just deserts for being such a moron myself all those years ago!

Still, I did have an unpleasant ocassion when someone quite aggressively demanded why I was HEing. It was quite confrontational and nearly brought me to tears.

I'm thinking of pre-recording all the answers to the questions on my phone, and then playing them back to rude, annoying inquirers. This way I save my vocal chords for the genuinely interested/perplexed ones! This might work for you. Other than that I suggest you buy an arm-band or wear a placard stating, "I am a HE mum, no questions please," Or "Hit At Will." It's your choice!

Actually, we didn't have any problems like that because we said in advance it would only be for 18 months (which in our case was true, but...). You could try saying that as a way of getting them used to the concept, and then at the end of the time say, oh, but it's going so well, we've decided to carry on for six months'.. and on, and on...

Taking a risk here and pointing out that it can work both ways......it is very easy for HE parents to (unintentionally, I'm sure) give the impression that if you don't HE you haven't thought about the education options available to your children, or you don't care enough about them to HE. I had a huge row with a HEing friend once because she referred to my school educated child and her friends as "all the little sheep being herded off to school"!

I stopped because my family were constantly having a go.

Constantly.

Lots of people we know who are teachers also seemed offended, some thought it was the worst thing in the world and told me that everyone they knew who HE'd was a nutter.

Great.

Ds quite likes school and enjoys having pals as we were quite isolated before - I'm not naturally sociable in the right kind of way I suppose.

I want to HE again but don't think I am strong enough considering I rely on family support with the children and falling out with said family is not a good way to go.

Best of luck to all of you. x

In my own experience it never started.

Everybody who doubted kept it to themselves and now, can't say a bad word about it because it clearly works as my kids are not behind in anything and haven't grown extra heads! lol

I honestly believe if I had known it was allowed before any of my 5 went to school they'd never have set foot in one. In our case it was school problems that gave us the boot up the bum to HE but it isnt that way for everyone.
I now tend only to answer about HE if someone asks because otherwise I am seen as anti school, which I am not. It just has no place in our lives at present.

It, does improve with most people you know, IME, but wet fish for the rest!
My family are much better, completely transformed from their initial anti stance.

My friends vary. One is openly hostile still and our friendship, which I thought was incredibly close, has drifted way apart. She just digs at me constantly - every sentence I say is turned into a critisism of HE. I'm a bit perplexed as to why as I have never even remotely implied that she should do the same. It's become easier just to avoid her. Other friends have just said less has time has gone on, and yet others have become quite supportive.

Strangers -well I once read a really funny list of answers to the question "no school today then?" If I get time I will try to find it, then you can always have a ready reply.

Found it!

My personal favourite is number 7. I've been really, really tempted to use it!

Grandson will be 10 next month and I'm beginning to get 'Is he going to secondary school, then, I mean, primary, yes, but how will you manage with secondary stuff?'

Not from my family, because they now don't comment and have accepted that he will be HE'd for the duration, but from complete strangers who feel it's OK to question me on an issue which is really none of their concern. I can always tell when it's curiosity or just downright rudeness!

TBH, the comments I have had from strangers have been quite positive. DD's former supply teacher was really enthusiastic and congratulated me on 'breaking out of the mould'.

HOWEVER PIL and some 'friends' are less positive. I tend to get comments like -"When's she going back to school, then?" and "She seems much happier now, shouldn't you think about sending her back?"

Musicposy, I love those responses -particularly number 9

My friend's ds once said, in reply to "why aren't you in school then"?....

"I burnt it down" and then, apparantly, displayed a manic grin

seeker Yes I agree it can work both ways. I think though, for those who are very negative about the schooling system it is as a result of bad experiences. It's hard then to see schooling in a positive light and not to feel it is the best option for all children, even when obviously it isn't. School works for some, HEing works for others.

flightattendant That is such a shame I think you were and would be a great HEer.

Maybe it's a Scotland thing, but like Amuminscotland I've had very little in the way of negativity, and I've been HEing for 9 years. I do get the usual questions but feel that people are asking out of genuine curiosity and interest. I wonder if it is because HEing is not very common around here and it comes as a surprise to many that it is actually an option. Because of this they do not have any pre-conceived ideas about HEing and are willing to listen to me about how it works with an open mind.

Love the list on that link!

My sister is so negative I'm surprised she doesn't spit at me on sight.

According to her it's cruel to home educate.

Lol, I love the spit at you on sight, Butterball!
My friend (former best friend but sadly not really since I took DD1 out of school) is like this. She looks at me and I just know she wants to spit!

I don't really get why. Same with your sister. Why does it affect other people who aren't living your life so much? Especially if you are very careful not to critisise school in front of them?
Any insights would actually be quite helpful.