Is HE the right choice for a child who can be shy and unconfident?

[Twoddle]

I've been wondering about HE for DS (now four) since he was one. Circumstances at the moment mean we can't HE, not right now, so DS is in school mornings only.

He isn't loving school - says the only bits he likes are playtimes. Every morning when I take him in, he clings to me, sucks his hand/thumb, talks quietly, and needs me to settle him in. He is no longer crying in the mornings, but does seem like a lost sheep/fish out of water - as though it's all rather overwhelming and not really "him", IYSWIM.

This morning, he didn't want to do the "Activate" exercises they do every day. He said he felt silly flapping his arms about, and wanted me to tell the teacher that he didn't feel sure. She said that everyone will take part, and that DS has seemed lacking in confidence lately. Argh.

Out of school, DS can be unconfident and shy around new people/situations - can't a lot of small kids? In school, it seems really heightened; to define him - whereas out of school, it is simply a part of his otherwise lively character.

All the while I'm looking into how we could, eventually, HE. After today, although I feel sad leaving DS looking lost and seeming a bit of a shadow of himself at school, I'm wondering if HE is not a good idea for children prone to shyness and lack of confidence? Do they need to be in a school setting to get over it/away from their shy parents' influence? Or is that rubbish, because all the shy/withdrawn/unconfident adults one meets have been through school and it clearly didn't "fix" them! (Myself included.) And of course, while being unconfident a lot of the time isn't helpful to ourselves, there's nothing "wrong" with shyness, is there?

Even now, as an adult, I'd truly hate to have to spend hours a day in a room with 20-30 other people my age. Grim! I like small groups of people.

Can you see I'm going round in circles with this? Grateful for others' thoughts on this. TIA.

I understand yout thoughts. My own view is that a shy child especially with a shy parent might be in particular need of the daily experience of going to school and learning to be at ease with people.

There is such a terrifyingly strong temptation to run away from social encounters, and home education might be seen as giving in to that temptation and teaching that flight is the correct response to social anxiety.

In rare cases I'm sure shyness might mean home ed is helpful but I remember a period f 'school phobia' in my youth, and each day that I failed to go into school made me feel more and more frightened.

I don't think being shy is a reason not to HE as he will still mix with other people. Don't they have HE-groups?

I don't think being shy is a reason to HE either. Many/most people are shy and like you say it is nothing wrong with being shy.

I've been asking myself similar questions lately about ds (also 4), who is struggling at nursery in some respects. I'm really concerned about him starting school this year. Hoping for some wise words too!

I was very very very shy when I was little and think that if I had stayed at home (parents weren't really into playgroups and classes) I would still be there!

It sounds like a huge commitment - I really admire you for considering it. How long would you consider doing this for - until secondary school?

Thanks for posts.

Threadworm, you're absolutely right about there being a temptation to run away from social encounters - and consistent flight isn't the answer. I know that from personal experience.

I feel frustrated that there isn't more of a middle ground between HE and school; it's all or nothing. I know for a fact that I wouldn't become more outgoing and socially confident if I had to spend up to six hours a day with 30 other people my age. I would feel permanently anxious, and more and more like there was something wrong with me for not being able to feel at ease with the situation - as I felt at college and university (but not at school, where we had tiny class sizes). The consistent exposure didn't work for me. And so I'm wondering if it won't work for DS either, and that he will come to be defined as "shy" and "unconfident" in the same way that I was - even though, around family and friends and in a work situation in a small team, I am fine.

Is it reasonable for us to even expect all children (or adults, for that matter) to feel socially at ease with 30 peers?

Argh, I don't know. I'm torn. On the one hand, making DS work out how to deal with shyness/lack of confidence at school could be the making of him; on the other hand, it could - as I've said - end up defining him in a way it wouldn't if he was home-educated. If he were home-educated, I would hope that he would gradually come out of his shell on his own timetable. And yes, like Fairy says, we'd meet up with other HE families.

Besides, I would feel stupid doing bloody Activate! I don't think his reservations about this are altogether unreasonable.

Thanks again for posts.

people with little or no experience of HE can often have the idea that it's all about sitting at the kitchen table with mummy and never encountering other children.

Here's the thing.

Friendships with other people as a HEd child are much more on that chld's terms, like friendships as an adult are on your own terms.

Some HE children have manic social lives with other children - lots of HE groups, close and active friendships spinning off from that, friendships they build up at HE summer camps.

Some HE children are quieter. They perhaps prefer the company of one or two other children at a time at this point in their lives, or they really like spending time with siblings, or they enjoy hanging out with much older or much younger people. They would be miserable in school (and the only context in life where you really need to be comfortable in a large group of people of very similar age is... well... school). I'd say that a shy child is ideally suited to be HEed, because they and their family can take a softly softly approach to the social aspects of life, and confidence build from a place of security.

"all the shy/withdrawn/unconfident adults one meets have been through school and it clearly didn't "fix" them!" I think you have hit the nail on the head there!!!

Thanks, onwardandupward. Makes a lot of sense. Feeling encouraged.

I don't think his shyness is a reason to not HE (assuming you can work out the practicalities etc), so long as you recognise that he needs to develop in this area and don't yourself let it define him.

You've experience of it yourself, so you can probably remember the kinds of activities which helped you to work well with individuals and small groups, and to develop coping strategies in larger groups. If you go into HE with a plan that you will help him to develop his skills in this area, as well as all the other things you think make up a suitable education, then he should come out of it with the skills he needs.

OTOH if you went into HE to "protect" him from having to deal with new people and situations, then obviously that would only make things worse for him rather than better, but the fact that you're asking and thinking about this issue means that you're aware of that pitfall and can avoid it.

Do you think you could give him a little longer, to see if he adapts? It is such early days.(And meanwhile have word with teacher about letting him skip the weird Activate thing?)

Other than that, I just wanted to say that you seem to be thinking about it with great sensitivity and I'm sure you will come up with what works for him best.

Sorry, just to clarify a bit. onwardandupward makes some brilliant points and I can clearly see the advantages of HE for some shy children.

My worry is the shy child plus shy parent combination. Luckily my children are more socially resiliant than me, but if they had found school hard, I would have mistrusted my ability to HE them in a way that helped them to develop social confidence. I would not have given them anything like enough encounters with other children and adults. So I find school an invaluable social tool.

I know that people here read about my children and their sometimes frantic social life.
Thing is-as with many home educators I know, my eldest WAS a shy child, who didn't 'get' the social life in school and had few friends and was bullied.
For the first few months he clung onto my shoulder whispering into my ear "can we go home now....... lets go home......when can we go home?" This was in complete contrast to his very sociable younger sister, my dd1 and reasonable socialable but frightened dd2.

He 'unpeeled' himself from me at his own pace and gradually step by step he regained his self confidence, began to see how HE children mixed together, settled in at his own pace.
For the last few years that he was home educated, you wouldn't have known that he had any problems socializing.
At camps folks would assume I had only one child -dd2, and I'd answer, "No do you see that lass over there the one with the blonde hair? That is dd1 and that lad-the one with the long long hair, surrounded by that crowd? That is ds"

One of the things I have loved about running a home ed meeting, has been watching new children coming along and interacting at their own pace and being welcomed by the group and respected for it.

My niece is incredibly shy. Schooled child, all the way through. Can't physically speak to people sometimes, even now aged 16. School hasn't done her any favours.

I pressed print too soon.

Other home educated young people, never want to do big groups of people, and are much more confident and relaxed in smaller home ed groups/social circumstances. These youngsers seem to thrive in smaller activity focused groups, perhaps with older peers/adults.

As adults we have the opportunity to choose the socail circumstances that we feel confortable with-shouldn't children have the same right, rather than having large groups forced upon them?

Agree with Julie's last point. It must be hell for a naturally reticent child to be forced into school every day, and 4 is so young. The main reason that I want to HE my (naturally reticent, not comfortable in big groups of children) dd is that I think she will become more inward and withdrawn, just like your son, Twoddle. I was shy as a child and my father's work meant that I changed schools many times. It certainly didn't make me 'good' at making friends - quite the opposite infact. Now nearing 40 I'm finally confident enough to walk into a room full of people that I don't know, but it has taken me this long to get over the insecurities that I left school with (along with a few utterly useless o and a levels).

HTH, and I think that you're absolutely right to be considering HE for your son.

Aside from the shyness, one thing I don't know if anyone has mentioned is that your child is so YOUNG! He's only 4, which seems very little to me still (my oldest is 3.6). So what if he's not ready for school now - doesn't mean he won't ever be. One great thing about HE is that you can do it for as long or as little as you want. Have him at home with you for a bit, and maybe later he'll feel better about school. Or, maybe you'll have such a great time you won't look back!

{sorry Castillo, didn't read your thread properly! )

I agree with ibblewob, he is very young and probably not ready yet.
I was very shy and so glad that I wasn't protected at home-you gain so much confidence by being away from your mother and having to cope. However, I loved learning so school was never a problem for me.
The telling thing with your DS is that he likes playtime, if he was having problems socially that would be the first area of difficulty.
I would say keep him at home, if you want to,and try again when he is ready.

Thanks for more posts.

MumInScotland - agreed it wouldn't be a good plan to go into HE purely to protect DS from his tendency to shyness/lack of confidence at school. As I said in my first post, we've been looking at HE since he was one for reasons unrelated to this. I've just been mulling today whether these traits of DS's - exacerbated at school - are more of a reason to, or not to, HE.

julie - that's a heartening tale about your DS and how far he's come socially. Sad about your neice, though. Bears out that, contrary to what we might think, making a shy/reticent child face their fears five days a week doesn't necessarily solve the problem, and can make it worse. As adults, we tend to confront our fears when we're good and ready; in our own time, and with more than a little self-agency involved. Why would children be any different?

Case in point: Callisto. Thanks for your encouragement. Good for you for finally "getting there" with handling your own shyness at nearly 40, despite years spent at school ...

pisces (and ibblewob) - yes, four is young. It's good that not being "protected at home" and being away from your mum worked for your own shyness. IMHO, I expect it's a make-or-break thing: for some children prone to shyness/self-consciousness, school can be the making of them; for others, it can make matters a whole lot worse. The challenge, for parents, lies in making what one believes to be the right choice for one's own child. As for fun at playtime - yes, you're right. DS gets along with other children, and has a best friend. This says more about my primary reasons for leaning towards HE, TBH: I think it says a lot if/when kids enjoy only the free play (i.e. unstructured, no imposed learning) aspect of school.

I would love to HE DS. As I said in my original post, I simply cannot commit to it just at the moment (single parent, financial status won't be clear for some months, etc), though continue to absorb myself in it, learn about it and try to work out how we could do it - then, should it become possible, we'll be ready for the leap.