Help!!!!! Really Need Some Advice - bit Long

[Lupins71]

I am posting this on primary as well as I want a varied view of opinions

When dd was just 5 she started school and fitted in perfectly, fab teacher, loads of great friends, parties ect, however we decided to move to devon to be nearer my mum, its also something I have always wanted to do, dp wasnt working so no ties and timing seemed perfect.

We moved when it was half term, we had visited one school but because the move happened within 2 weeks (manic) she ended up at the local village school which was raved about by all and sundry, no one could fault it - except it seemed us!, dd was there about 6 weeks and went from being a confident outgoing girls, to tearful, she had made no friends and no one seemed too want to be her friend, they also were not allowed out to play until they had finished there work/ lunch ect, I have a;lways encouraged dd to take her time with her food and appreciate it and be thorough in her work but she wasnt getting any play time, also she got locked in the toilet one day and since then has bee claustraphobic

So I had always thought about the ideals of HE but as she had got on so well at her 1st school we had gone with it, anyway decided to pull her out of this local school as it was clearly not working

We have HE'd since last week, dd has been saying about going back to school, so we took her to see the original school dp and I went to look at before we moved and she liked it, she started on a try out day 2 fridays ago, when I picked her up she aid she had hated it! we spoke over the weekend and she decided to go and give it a try and she wanted to make some friends. Anyway she seems to be playing with one little girl but when we speak to her she says she doesnt play with her, she sits on her own at lunch time and really really doesnt like it!

I am at a total loss at what to do, until we moved she was a chilled out happy child, now she is stroppy, rude, and aggresive, I know she has been through alot this year - she witnessed a traumatic event involving her dad, which I know has had some effect, do I just stick it out and hope that it all sorts itself out or do I listen to her and take her out again, i dont want to keep chopping and changing which I know will do her no good, but if she is truly not happy there then I am not going to risk yet anotger schools

Also I feel she needs time away from ds who is 20 months, she is extremely jealous of him which makes it awkward, it has been nice playing with him the last week without her getting nasty about it - and I do really mean nasty

Do I just leave her and let the kids at school help her sort her attitude out, I feel so sad for her, all I want is for her to be happy but she speaks to me so rudely and nastily sometimes she has me nearly in tears

I should add that the HE was autonomous as she wouldnt actually sit and do her reading/ writing so we went with what she was interested in, art, cookery nature ect

Please any constructive comments really appreciated

Lisa x

Sounds like you've all had a turbulent time lately, Lisa.

Until I got to the bit in your thread where you say you have a DS too and DD is really jealous of him, I was thinking: "HE! HE!" It sounded as though your DD would be happier with HE for now, and since it's something you've thought about for a long time, it wouldn't be kneejerk as such.

However, the tensions between your DD and DS must be stressful for you, and while I think your DD could benefit from HE for a while (remember, no decision like this is permanent - you can try school again at a later date when she's feeling more secure), you need to feel like you could generally enjoy it and feel relaxed about it at home. If you don't, I'd try finding a school your DD could be happier in.

Alternatively, since you said you moved to be nearer family, could you HE and get them onboard with having your DD regularly and giving you a break? That way, you wouldn't be handling tensions between DD and DS so much of the time, and would have one-to-one time with DS.

I do feel for you. Hope some other posters come along soon.

One often hears of people who switch to HE and within a coupleof months they are saying "I got my lovely child back!!!"

But it would take a while - because she's obviously in a muddle and so are you.

I think I'd follow her lead. If she says no more school, then find ways of making that work. And diluting the sibling relationship is good - have family come over to nteract with one or other child, get yourself hooked into the local HE social networks so there are children for her to get to know...

A big move is a really unsetting thing foreveryone I'd take at least until easter to just chill as a family, tbh.

I'm not sure I've followed the timescales right - how much of a try has she had at the "better" school? It will almost certainly take her a bit of time to settle there, specially with all the changes lately, so I'd suggest you give her at least half a term to try to make a go of it. As you say, chopping and changing won't help her to feel settled, and at that age they need to believe that you are confident about the decision, even if inside you're not really!

HE can be great, but it doesn't sound like it would be a positive choice for you and her at the moment, so I'd try to get the school working well, then you can reconsider whether HE is something which would suit you both later.

Has she had any outside help to deal with the traumatic event? It sounds like she's unsettled and unhappy generally, with that and the move both unsettling her. You could ask the GP if there are any services for children to let her work through her feelings about it all, then she'd be in a better place to settle into school (or HE of you want to go that way)

Twoddle & Onward, sorry not sure I made it clear, we have been HE and she has just started the school the last week, it started off fine but the constant disruptions with ds have been a major problem, unfortunatley we are so rural (4miles to nearest shop!) that just dropping of one of each sibling seems a major event at the moment, especially as my mum who is the only reletive about isnt excactly the most forthcoming when it comes to being around - even tho she is sat on her but alot! anyway thats another issue

I am going to keep dd in school for a while longer its only been a week, hopefully all will settle down, I was really hoping the HE would work for us, I love having my old dd at home but at the moment she starts on me beofre I've even opened my eyes!

Mumin Scotland, I have thought about asking the gp about and child services for dd to talk to someone about what happened, When I told her I was feeling ill the other day she paniced and said not like ???? - I had to reassure her that what happened that day was not normal but It has definatly had a lasting negative effect on her

Thnaks for all your answers xx