Can a parent who is prone to depression do a good job of home-educating?

[toHEornottoHE]

Especially if they are a single mum/dad, and have only one child?

I wonder if the depression would be less of an issue, but rather the example the parent set in tackling it?

I know that no family set-up nor person is perfect, but I wonder if some circumstances - like the one I've described - could be considered unhealthy enough from a home ed perspective for school to be the preferable option, even if the child in question isn't that happy in school.

I'm a strong supporter of home ed, BTW. Been wondering about this lately, that's all. Some degree of relevance to our circumstances.

Thanks.

I read somewhere that children of parents with any issues often get very panicky about going to school, because they worry so much about the parent while they are away from them. So packing the child off to school won't necessarily make the child's world happy and carefree for those hours. I think that as long as the parent was up to a reasonable degree of interaction with the child (not just lying in bed all day and completely ignoring them), then they might do better tackling it as a team at home, and therefore including the child more and making it less scary.Just a perspective.

BTW, when my youngest went to school, I was very, very depressed. I would sit at home and just cry and cry - my mum was really, really worried about me. Although i tried to keep happy around DD2, I'm sure she knew and it didn't help the transition to school, which she never really liked much, ever.

Since home educating, I've been so happy, and so has she. Some people would say that if you can't bear to be parted from your child for even a few hours, and you're that depressed, you should definitely send them to school and make yourself get over it. But I don't believe it works that way. Because since the HE, DD2 has become really independent of me and I've found I've been fine with that. I really wish I had known about HE from the start.

HE has turned me from a depressed, stressed person into a very happy one. A lot of stress comes from school, a lot, and getting rid of that must be a help to anyone.

There are many reasons for depression, and many degrees of it, but I don't think in itself it is a reason not to HE.

i have ocd and pnd, and HE my 3 children

Thanks for your posts. They are inspiring and encouraging. Riven, I'm in awe. And at mumtoo3. musicposy, do you mind me asking if you were low because your DD had gone to school? My DS is currently part-time in Reception - I can't imagine him being at school for a whole 32 hours a week, but that time is looming.

I suppose highs and lows are part of life, and being exposed to them from a young age, and how they can be successfully handled, is enormously educational and valuable in a very practical, real life kind of way.

musicposy, I'd back up what you say about independence. I think true independence, that runs deep and is solid, rarely comes from being forced into it, but rather having the opportunity to break away from one's crutches and comforters (often Mum ) in one's own time, when feeling secure and ready. BTW, I too find aspects of school stressful - and I'm not the one attending!

How do you handle your depressed times around your kids? Do they affect your interactions with them?

Thanks again. I feel encouraged.

All parents have uncontrolled, and unwilled, effects on children. And these effects can be good and bad. Dying when the child is young, for example is not usually recommended, as it confronts the child with issues which might be better dealt with later....

(as I said, unwilled....)

It is well known amongst Psychotherapists that the children of a depressed parent tend to grow up into adults with a highly developed empathy. They often are very good at human relationships.

Even when things look bleak, some good is often possible.

Does the depression come on as a warning sign of the parent's needs not being met? ie as a helpful sign? For me I think it is like that.

Mind you when it creeps up gradually it is very hard to know that I am feeling depressed. Crossed fingers..I spot how I am feeling and have many more people I can talk openly and frankly with nowadays. More than ever in my life.

If going to school is the best help on offer to the family then so be it, but more specific help for the depressed parent could be of more help to both the parent and the home ed child. Overall the results in happiness terms might be better.

I like the phrase 'heavy duty help' for when I really need something to change.

Looking back I got very down once my younger one went to school.

I suffer with bi-polar and thank God for school. I feel that it has not only given me a breack but shown the kids that there is life outside chaos. They do have to deal with alot with me and they find having friends outside the family helpful. They also attend a young carrers group wich is brill. They are very empathetic towards me and other kids whos parents are like me. I personally would not have hed. I would panic that i was doing it wrong and it would cause more probs. But if you feel it is best for youre family and you feel you would get the suport you needed then go for it.

I think seeing the ups and downs of life can be good for a child.

I don't necessarily suffer from depression - but often find myself in conflict with myself. For example, there are days when I feel truly stressed and remorseful about not working. (I was a self-employed full time artist. ) Then, there are other days when I am completely at peace with the path I've chosen. Needless to say on days when I'm having a pity party or am struggling to honour a commitment I've made to a project, I'm kind of low energy.

What helps us is we begin our days with a "morning meeting." We check in with each other, see what's on the schedule and decide what we will or will not be doing that day. Recently, I've been admitting when I don't have the energy to do some intense project. So - we put it on a list next to the calendar. I always make sure that on my "high energy days" I always suggest we return to things on that list. The important thing is to always "prove" that the desired project will get done in a reasonable amount of time. Now, my son knows that when I'm low energy we can do low energy things. (Or I can arrange for him to do something with friends.) When I'm high energy we do high energy things.

Thanks - I think to Riven on another thread - I'm beginning to understand that my son also has high energy and low energy days. (Which involve a lot of tv.) So, learning to understand each other's cycles can be very important. Sometimes, our energy levels are compatible. Sometimes, they aren't.

Communication is essential.

Hi toHEornottoHE, yes, I was definitely depressed because she had gone to school. Weirdly, I was fine with my eldest, but she had been a really sociable toddler, quite a handful, and more than ready to start in that environment. My youngest is an end of August birthday, so was only just 4 years old. She had never settled in preschool (screamed solid for hours until the staff phoned us up, we eventually gave up) and she was adamant she didn't want to go to school. On top of that, from my point of view she was the easiest child you could possibly imagine. We would walk around the supermarket discussing vegetables while everyone elses child tantrummed in the sweet aisle (and I know it was nothing I did right because my eldest had been of the tantrum kind!). If you took her anywhere and said she had to sit quietly, she would. She was just the most amazing company, even at two. By four she was talking like a little adult, starting to read, spending bits of money in shops, enjoying lots of art, craft, having ballet lessons, going to church groups etc. I honestly couldn't see a single reason why she needed school.

When she started school it was just such a shock. I'd had this little person with me all day every day, and suddenly someone else had her and I had no choice. I hated her teacher, absolutely hated her. I felt guilty about it but it was beyond my control - I was so jealous that she got her all day and I didn't. I often wonder now if this was more of a natural instinctive thing than I gave credit for at the time. In the wild, animals defend their young to the death. Not many animals will let another mother take over.

It made it worse that the teacher kept on and on about what a wonderful child she was. After a couple of weeks they said she was so sensible she could stay all day. I absolutely refused and from that point on they had me down as some neurotic woman with separation issues! That first term, I don't know how I survived. I was so, so unhappy I could barely function. I hated the system for taking her away from me at 4 when, had she been a week younger (which she should have been, she was an early baby) she would have been a September baby and I'd have had a whole year longer before she started school. It seemed so unfair that neither I nor she had a choice.

Of course, now I know we did have a choice, but I didn't back then. And independence has happened gradually, from a real security, like you say. Forcing it didn't work. But the fact that she can stay with me 24 hours a day means that she doesn't have to, if that makes sense. My children have both gained more true independence since HE than they ever had at school. My experience is that, if you have a tendency towards depression, and you like the company of your children, you will be much less depressed with them around than with all the stresses school brings.