Anyone he'd an only?

[dandycandyjellybean]

Am seriously considering this with my ds, but lots of people keep pointing out the 'socialisation' factor of school, and especially in regard to the fact that he is an only child. However, we have a very active social life around church with other kids, own age, younger and older. His language skills are way beyond his years; he is a brilliant socialiser generally; can strike up a convo (just 3) with an elderly lady at our shop across the road about the weather, and will bill and coo over, and include, a much younger child in what he is doing. We have a constant stream of adult visitors for dh who is disabled and can't get out much, but who has a very rich shed life; has built suits of armour, shields, swords, slingshots etc, but authentically in the way they would have been made when used. He does leather craft, welds, woodwork and much, much more, including building motorbikes, which are the love of ds life (can't think where he got that from!!) Ds loves to be in there with him helping and has his own fully functional tools. He also loves to help me with cleaning, cooking, baking, sewing, and pretty much anything else i'm doing. I feel that an autonomous approach to education would suit him down to the ground, but, so much of what I have read about is seems to include lots of siblings. Will I end up with a weirdo if I home ed an only like everyone says?

A bit of me would have liked to home educate. A small bit, I admit. But I was put off by the fact that dd is an only child. Additionally I am a single parent and I thought it would just be too intense.

like your ds, dd has great language skills and can be very sociable. However, talking to older people and playing with younger children is not, imho, the same as building strong, independent relationships with peers. That is what dd is learning at school, and it is not the easiest thing for her. I have no doubt that, in our case, school is the right choice.

Hi,
We are home-edding our DD(5). She has three older, grown up siblings,(who all went through school)and have since flown the nest. My husband and our DD emigrated a year ago so I guess she is like an only child.

She has friends of all ages, and all walks of life, a very usy social life, and like your DS, loves being involved in just about everything! She would hate the sructure of school, and we have found, through trial and error, that the autonomous aproach to her education suits her just fine.
If I'm honest,I do worry sometimes about her being an only child and He-ing, but I think you just have to make the effort to get out and about and meet other folk.(but you are doing that already

I really don't believe you need worry about missing out on the "social" side of school at all. For us, the sometimes negative social side of school is the reason we chose to Home educate in the first place.lol

You already have a wonderful social life (I'm jealous!)where your DS is meeting and mixing with all sorts af people of varying ages. That is true socialising...in the real world!
No...I don't believe your DS will end up a wierdo, any more than an only child who goes to school and I bet all the people giving you their negative opinions have children in school.

There's a great HE Group/forum (Muddle-Puddle) for families with younger children. I am sure if you ask on there, you will find other folk who HE with only one child.

groups.yahoo.com/group/EarlyYearsHE/?yguid=244810866

1066
A child does not need to build

"strong, independent relationships with peers"
unless of course he is forced to spend large amounts of time in a class of 30 children all the same age as him. And sadly, even then, some children never develop strong relationships in school...on the contrary

a close friend of mine, also HEs her son who is 9, and she is a single parent, i would not say he misses out socially, he is a very sociable child who can mix extremly well with a variety of ages and with both boys and girls. so i think that being an only child should not be a problem, because as a home educated family unit you socialise sssooooooo much, getting a day free is once in a blue moon
hth

Yes - mine was as good as, almost - he is five and his brother is 18mo now, so wasn't much use for playing etc!

I He'd for a term and a half. I was ill for much of this time and also we were moving house, so did not do too much socialising, and ds got very fed up I think - well not fed up, but a bit bored.

My family then put immense pressure on me to send him to school and I couldn't take it, as I am single with nobody around to back me up, so when a place came up I sent him back.
He didn't want to go - he quite likes it - gets to play etc, more than he did at home. I am not very sociable anyway which makes it harder.

From what you say, he will be fine - you've a much better set up than I managed, and I think you should dive in head first and just go with your instinct.

i am but always pleased when I see a thread like this

Hi, I've been reading a blog recently by a mum who homeschools her only child - might give you some ideas.

whimsyway.blogspot.com/

HTH

I HE my only, but we've only done it for a couple of years and he's older, so it's not quite the same. But it sounds like you have lots going on socially which is a good start.

What I think is a good thing for children, whether HE or schooled, is to have a group of children that they are "part of" - that they have something in common with, separate from their parents. That can be their class at school, or an HE group, or a group of close friends, or something like cubs or brownies or a music or drama group. Something where they learn to knock along with a group and get used to other people's personalities and ways of doing things. If they have that, then I don't think they miss out on the social side of school or siblings.

DS (4)is an only so far...tbh the fact that he might stay an only child didn't factor in our decision to HE. He has a close-knit group of friends from aged 9 downwards through his Nana who is a childminder so even though we can't travel to HE groups atm he still has a good active social life.

We know quite a few people who HE their only children and I'm a bit jealous of them. I have 3 small children, so constantly have to juggle the 5yos needs with the little ones. My friends with just the one 5 or 6 yo are able to go off to museums, theatre, cinema etc, read a whole book with no interruptions, focus on particularly interesting website etc. Basically you'd be able to devote enough time to follow what your child's interested in. I think this is a big advantage and I think you can go out and find the situations you'll want for him to socialise in quite easily.

I so agree with lots that has been said here, especially with regards to not building close relationships with peers, despite spending days on end with them at school.!!!!!

inhindsight, I'm interested to know why you don't think building independent relationships with peers is important?

not critical, just interested. To me, this is an important part of education - from primary to secondary to further education. I didn't like everyone I went to school with, just as I haven't liked everyone I have worked with. But I do feel that school gave me the tools to get along with a wide range of people and I think that if I home educated dd she would not experience that.

I'm home edding an only, as of four weeks ago.

Tbh I didn't consider the social aspect in any great detail. With an only you probably make more effort to ensure your child has social opportunities outside the home than you would if there were siblings, so I didn't feel there was anything I had to add as ds already goes to lots of clubs etc to socialise regularly.

He doesn't have what you'd call real friends though, but that's Asperger's more than anything. Socially he manages well when his autistic needs are met but freaks out when they're not, so consequently at school there's been a tendency for him to be the bullies' target because he's so easily wound up. Very amusing .

I don't actually think school has done much for ds socially. Up till fairly recently he was a lovely, well spoken and polite boy, although quite hyper and prone to aggression if provoked and his environment was wrong. All he's learned from his age peers is arrogance, foul language and chavviness, all of which I think he can safely do without.

I'm utterly knackered but don't regret the choice to HE in the slightest

ds is 4 and is currently an only, but that didn't factor into my choice to home ed at all!

He gets to play with the kids on the street, at church, at home ed group, and wherever there might be other children, soft play, park etc.

My opinion on the whole socialisation thing is where else in life, apart from school, will someone be expected to hang around with people who were born within the same school year?!

I think it's counter-intuitive for a peer group, especially in the early years, to basically bring themselves up with minimal adult input to help them negotiate the world of relationships and their own emotions.

Home ed group for us is like extended family, a huge ranges of ages, people you like and dislike but have to get along with, other adults who look out for your child and care about them even if on a basic level and who are not just authority figures for your child.

Socialisation also includes how to act and react in the outside world and ds spends a lot more time in that world!

At home ed group, at the end of one session each week the talking stick comes out and the children discuss issues that have come up, in general, or with each other, and they are all able to participate in resolving these.

That's the kind of socialisation I think is important, not whether ds is forced to spend 6 hours a day with children born within the same 12 month period, shut away in a building not out in wider society, and being under the authoritarian control of a handful of adults.

Obviously, this is a response for the OP, I am hardly posting this in education in general. Plus, explaining my beliefs and choices is merely that and does not constitute a specific attack on those who believe differently!

I HE my Dd who is 7 and an only child - at least until April when this bump pops!

I think socialization is an issue however many kids you have as it's important for them to be outside the family group now and then.

DD goes to Brownies, Taekwondo, and various church groups. I think she's fine and I like that she can sit with adults and talk openly with them. Obviously about child aged stuff though!

1066,
""inhindsight, I'm interested to know why you don't think building independent relationships with peers is important? ""

I actually said, building strong independent relationships with peers is not important, unless the child is in school and has to spend 30+ hrs a week in the company of 30 children all the same age.(peers).
Yes, I agree with you, it is an important part of education in school as school-life could be a pretty lonely place otherwise.

However, I do believe building strong, independent relationships with other people is important. As already mentioned many times on this forum, HE children spend time, outside the home in the wider community, and therefore will come accross people of all ages from all walks of life. This is where they learn their social skills, learn to cope with people they may not get along with and build meaningful, independent relationships with people they choose.

.
Lastly, I find it ironic that you say you sent your dd to school to learn how to get on with her "peers" and she finds it difficult Yet, it is only in school that you have to get on with your peers! At no other time in her life will she find herself in a room full of people all born in the same school year as her and have no choice as to whether she stays or goes.(ok,a school reunion maybe, but then it is her choice )

Throughout life we all encounter people we get along with and those we don't. You do not need to go to school to learn how to get on with people, or how to cope with the ones you don't get along with. That happens every day, in real life

you've given me some food for thought, inhindsight. I do understand where you're coming from and, were I not a single parent of an only child, I think I would find home education quite appealing.

fwiw, dd has known and spent a lot of time with children of her own age since very young. We have a very good social life, this is very important for both of us.

I didn't send dd to school purely to learn to get on with her peers, but I do hope that this will be one of the outcomes. She is very good one-to-one with other kids but, yes, she does struggle in larger groups at times - she just can be a very shy child. I have actually seen her confidence grow since starting school - we're only 3 months in but I feel that so far the experience has been positive. If at any point I felt this was not the case then I might reconsider.

thanks all for your replies, lots of food for thought. Ds is actually a very sociable little guy and ironically I'm not worried about the social side of he, it's just that I know before I looked into it my immediate reaction was 'but what about socialising and learning their social skills' when I heard of people considering he, and it seems that this is everybody's first reaction.

Just dropped it lightly into convo with sister who started pulling a face and shaking her head before I'd even finished my sentence 'don't do it, they miss out soo much socially!' Aaaarrrrggghghghghgh!!!!!

Just don't get caught up feeling you have to justify yourself. I have my socialisation spiel but for whenever it comes up I will be more like to ask them questions like, what do you mean by that? Why do you think that can only happen in a school? etc. And am quite prepared to go the more militant about why should I should trust the government to indoctrinate my child for 6 hours a day in an institution if people get very shirty

No-one's questioned me yet tho!!

it just utterly amazes me that everyone is so uniformly negative about it! But then I was that person i suppose, exactly the same, I remember commenting that home edding turns kids into nerds when I knew nothing about the situation! hehehe

I think it's one of those things where, if you know someone with poor social skills who was HE then you blame the HE. But if you know someone who was schooled and has poor social skills, you assume it's their personality and not because of their education. Before I started finding out about HE seriously, I'd only knowingly met one person who had been HE, and he had terrible social skills - but looking back I think it was a combination of his personality and his whole upbringing, rather than the HE, which caused it!

The socialisation issue CAN be a hard one. It does depend very much on the particular child AND on the parent. Within my (extended) family I guess that our experience was a bit negative, really, but it does provide a bit of the 'flip side'.

Basically, it all started out quite well with DCs aged between 3 and 6 with very committed mother and on-side father (but perhaps less convinced grandparents!).

Several things perhaps didn't go that well over the passage of time. One was that the mum began to feel ALL the DCs out-of-home interactions were being stage-managed by her or were structured- even HE group where the DCs (eldest by now 8) didn't really get to explore peer relationships without adults nearby if not directly involved! She herself was happy to let her DS 'go off' but she never found a parent there who felt they could allow that 'loss of control' (her words, not mine! I wasn't there!). She felt that it was perhaps to be expected in that these parents had made a specific decision to be a much larger part of their HE'ed DCs lives than is the case with mainstream ed'ed DCs. She also felt that several, but by no means all of the HE parents in her area who she knew seemed, in her opinion, to have a much bigger 'agenda' than a mainstream school and seemed to need to be more 'in control' and that when her DS was with those DCs, he was being quite specifically 'molded' by that parent! She also did Brownies, Beavers etc but again, all these interactions were parent led and structured.

Anyway, the next 'issue' if indeed it can be called that is to do with confidence. I would agree entirely that the DCs were very confident- but the grandparents finally 'lost it' with the mum in saying her DCs were rude and arrogant and hadn't been taught that theirs wasn't the only opinion! Especially the older DS- I must say he WAS rather pleased with himself, but perhaps that was just him and his personality rather than the effect of being with an adult all day who answered every question and followed every tangent at the child's whim. The next DC wasn't so full on! But with the grandparents, I guess that'd be a generational thing.

For the mum, sadly, the final nail in the coffin was when in a pickle of cold feet she decided to get her DCs formally tested academically. The bloke who interviewed them (NO idea if this was a private or state thing, incidentally) said that all the DCs had a wider vocabulary than would be expected for their ages and were more confident and articulate- but that they were all a fair way behind their school ed'ed peers in academia. However, of course they weren't tested in their expansive knowledge of their particular interests, which of course is a big part of HE, isn't it?

The parents have now sent the older 2 into mainstream schools. They certainly don't regret what they did, but the mum in particular feels she wished she had decided, at the start, to HE til junior school level then reassessed and had been a bit firmer in insisting 'boring' (to her DCs!) things had been mastered as well as the love of learning things. Teaching her DCs as toddlers and infants had been a lot of fun for all of them but she felt it hadn't worked once the first stirrings of early adolescence hit her eldest.

So I hope this hasn't come across as anti-HE; it's not intended to be, it's just another experience.

I should add a PS here- I admired the family for having a go! I know my family wouldn't have the discipline for HE!

I don't know if this helps, but there are quite a few housing co-ops and communities with groups of home ed children. I've been around that scene a fair bit, and they all seem much more socially competent than your average child. Come to think of it, I've known a fair few he children not in co-ops, & they are all very socially competent, again probably more so than the average schooled child that I know.
(For reference, my only dc is in school, but I would certainly take them out if things weren't working out well there.)

I am thinking of home ed my only child. She is a great socialiser and goes to Brownies and other groups, so I would hope she would still get the social interaction she needs, without the bullying and backstabbing that seems to go on at school ... or is that education?

Hi - I am Home Edding my only child (little boy aged 5). We belong to the local home education network and both have a great social life from it. We have play dates, play activities and also more 'educational' activities such as a medieval enactment day - how cool is that!

I think that the wide range of ages my son plays with is enriching his ability not only to get on with children and adults of all ages, but also to give back to those people as well. What I mean by this is that the older children take care of the younger ones etc. and they learn to play in a gentler way with the babies.

I have found that being part of the home education world has already provided me with lots of new friends and a lot of fun too!

Its a great bonus if the home ed network socialises on an adult level too. Ours has coffee shop meet ups etc.

I had an only child until recently and at times it was difficult to find people to meet with. I have a great home-ed group that meets very regularly but sometimes it falls that for a couple of weeks there is not much we could do. We have had many days were its just us doing stuff together. You will find that most home-ed have lots of children and rely on the fact that they can play together rather than meet up more regularly. Also actually educating the child takes up a vast amount of time. Like other posters you have to look at it from a point of view of what he is gaining from home-ed and what he is not being exposed to at school. Most kids at school are surrounded by children, but a lot of then would probably say they have no friends. It seems the concept of a friend to a child is a person that basically follows you round all the time, has no other friends and plays all your games. I think home-ed gives a more realistic impression of what socialisation is like, its quality of time with people that share your interests and lifestyle, rather than a huge group of kids that fleetingly see each other at break time. For the years my son was at school he only got invited back to others houses a couple of times. I seem to remember a similar kind of stress then that my child had no friends either.

It takes along time to become deinstitutionalized as a parent and discover the freedom of life beyond the dictations of what he state says is right for your child.