Did any of you choose HE having withdrawn from/not even tried available "good" schools?

[CountryPumpkin]

DS (4) goes to what would be considered a "good", small, village school, two minutes' walk away. I found out about HE when DS was a baby, and it is something I love the idea of but, due to circumstances, have not pursued.

As I probably could have predicted, DS isn't much enjoying school. We had such a wonderful half-term last week, doing things and taking trips related to his interests, and this week has been a bit of a mutual disappointment to be honest.

DS isn't being bullied, the school is "good" (in the Ofsted sense) and very popular, his best friend since babyhood is in his class as well as other children he knows - it's the kind of set-up I know many parents would want for their children. So I feel guilty contemplating deregistering DS. But I do see Taylor-Gatto's "Seven Lessons" already being borne out, albeit at an infant level, and this concerns me: DS seems a bit lacklustre about it all, confused, uninspired, withdrawn, unenthusiastic, when I know him to be confident, inquisitive, feisty, and excited about learning.

I'm wondering if I'm a bit alone in considering turning my back on what might be considered an idyllic schooling option in favour of HE. Intrigued to hear from others who've done the same. Thanks.

My son, nearly 10 with Asperger's, has just been deregistered from school to start HE. His first school, from reception, has the sort of Ofsted that glows in the dark and you can see it from space - EVERYONE in the area wants their children there because its reputation is so high, yet they failed him dismally after refusing to acknowledge his autism and work with me to support him.

The school he's just left has an ASD unit for KS1 children and has the reputation of being THE mainstream school for autism in the borough, yet once again they failed him by not putting into place basic supports to help him cope. He regressed 18 months in five weeks and there was no chance of this reversing without the support they felt wasn't necessary. They've utterly screwed him up and he'll need a lot of time to recuperate before I can start any real education with him.

I know that's not exactly what you were asking as I'm coming from a SN point of view, but my point is that it's not always possible to judge a school from reputation and Oftsted reports, or even your initial feeling for the place. Every year your child will have a different teacher and their attitude may not suit. Every year your child has to get used to new rules and personalities that they might not be able to manage all at once. Also, schools have a public reputation that they don't always live up to in practice, even the 'good' ones.

We've only been out of the school system a couple of weeks and my son is still struggling with the emotional turmoil of what's gone before, but already I'm glad I no longer have to put him into that situation and I wish I'd never allowed him to be forced down the expected route of a school education, just because it's 'what you do'.

Good luck with making your decision.

we took DD2 out of a "good" school as she was completely miserable and "not doing any learning" (her words, age 8). Two years of HE later she's really happy in a much less well-regarded school, but with keen enthusiastic staff, smaller classes and a self-directed learning ethos. IME "good" schools are not always what they're cracked up to be, and nor do they always suit individual children.

My son's ex primary also has fabulous Ofsted reports.

I blame myself for having no idea of my own legal and moral power and responsibility as a parent over the whole area of education and care during hours spent outside the home.

I deregistered my son this January to home ed, a last resort as he was so unhappy.

The trouble with schools is that they are institutions and so it is a statistical impossiblity that each and every child will thrive within it.
I have been very specific with my choice - and freely admit that I have only been able to be so prescriptive because I'm paying - it had to be
-close by
-not constrained by the NC
-accademically broad and not a hot house
-sporty, including competitive sports
-plenty of opportunity for music, choir etc
It suits me and my kids down to the ground. Nirnanna. But it wouldn't and indeed doesn't suit all the kids that go there.
I guess what I'm saying is that just because your school is outstanding doesn't mean your child will like it.

Thanks for posts. What a tough time your son has had, streaky, and in "good" schools too. I hope his experience of HE is much more positive.

Shrinking, I can relate to your situation. Of course at 4, DS has only been going this term, but he is "completely miserable", as you put it, about the whole idea of going, even though he seems to muddle along OK when he's there. He is learning some things - his phonics - but nothing we can't do or haven't done at home. This morning, from when he woke at 7am to when we walked out of the door at almost 9am, it was one big protracted discussion/whimper/cry about school. "Do I have to go to school today, Mummy?" He clings to me like a limpet when we go into the classroom, and I leave him sitting for registration with a long face and with his head in his hands.

I feel sad seeing that he's not only not enjoying it, but that his unhappiness and anxiety are permeating into the hours before and after school. And for what?

For now, I will see if we can reduce his time there, while I spend this time looking into the viability of home ed for us (lone parent family but with lots of family support locally).

Sad to hear your DS was so unhappy in school, milou2. How is he getting along with HE, almost a year into it? I hope it's been a brighter time for you both.

Your kids' school sounds great, Litchick. Unfortunately, paying isn't an option for us, which narrows the diversity of the options we can choose from.

What you say about schools being institutions hits the nail on the head, really. I wonder if DS - who, when out of school, is a bright, free spirit who knows his own mind - doesn't suit an institutional setting; it's straightjacketing some of the key things that make him who he is.

And he is a young 4, too.

Argh!

DS would have started reception this term (he turned 4 in July). In the village we live in there are 2 primary schools, both within walking distance. One has a very good rep, but is Catholic so was always going to be out of the picture for us as atheists/agnostics. The other has an ok rep I think and would probably have been fine, at least for infants level. The only other junior school in the village is a CofE school and so I wasn't really sure what were were going to do when he hit that stage...but then we started looking at HE and the decision wasn't that hard even when comparing it to the good Catholic school - HE just suited us all much better.

DS was about 2ish when we decided all this so we didn't actually get round to visiting the schools anyway

Countrypumpkin you have described the exact same situation as we faced with our Dd1 2 years ago, pretty much to the day.
Only we didn't have such prior knowledge of HE, we found out it was an option in the October and she left after her Christmas party at school.

We now have Ds1 of school age who is HE'd now, a 21 month old and a baby due in 14 weeks.

Absolutely no regrets!

Hi Countrypumppkin,
We have ds1 who is 4.5 and hasn't started school. Our local primary is supposed to pretty good, and the little boy next door who ds1 is friends with has just started, so he would have had a friend already. I know they are quite relaxed about doing half-days and missing days to start with too. So I did have similar feelings to some extent that maybe we should give it a try as it might be ok.
But really I felt that's the most it would ever be at the moment, and I actually feared it might not be ok as ds1 would hate it like he did pre-school when he tried it (latter more likely imo). Ds1 sounds much like yours - very independent-minded and curious, hugely focussed on what he is interested in and reluctant to do things until he is ready. He also dislikes big groups and lots of noise, and isn't happy being away from us. I think he would have found school very hard, and even if he had coped ok he would still have been reluctant as yours is. Whereas the way that he is learning now seems to suit him so well.
I think however good a school, as others have said - some dcs just suit HE more. At the moment I'm sure mine is one of them.

I should add (as it sounds a bit from my previous post that my only reason for HEing is cos I think my ds won't like school...)that there are also things about formal schooling so young that I think are not ideal for any child, and given my ds's personality I think he would be someone who would suffer the disadvantages of it more than maybe others would. Although I know reception is mainly learning through play now, I don't agree with the emphasis on targets and don't want him to be pressurised to do things he's not ready for, e.g. writing. I want him to learn to read in the way that suits him and not in the way the government has decided is right at the moment, and I want him to be free to follow his interests as often as possible (at the moment - numbers, trains, churches(interesting as we aren't religious), trains, reading & trains) and to be able to be physical as much as he wants.

cp, if you take him out for a few terms, would he be likely to get his place back? he is quite young to be in school really,

fwiw, our local school is "good", but still not right for ds. and tHAT WAS WAS MATTERED to me, not if it was perfect for a theoretical child (sorry for caps, baby interevened)

at sorky's imminent baby! I had no idea! How did that happen? (well I have an idea obv but...) congratulations!

There are a couple of websites that might be useful here

Single parents HE support list

and the The Early Years HE website

The latter is affiliated to the wonderful MuddlePuddle website-especially for families home educating children under 8.

There are other websites to look at on a 'Websites about Home Ed' thread and several book recommendations on 'Books about Home Ed'

I'd especially recomend Alan Thomas latest book
How Children Learn at Home

It seemed like a good idea at the time filly
spd is biting at my foof big time though, but you know, meh!

Our local school is fab, it's simply not an option for ds1, he was not ready AT ALL.

He would be labelled within a term of being in school, he's just ds at home.

My ds went to a "good" school where the standard of teaching was appalling, they refused to acknowledge he had learning difficulties and he was bullied. They told me they had a bullying policy shame they didnt actually follow it.

I removed a very unhappy sad little boy a year ago and although some days i find it really hard with 2 little ones as well it was definately the right decision.

I dread to think where he would be now if i had left him at school

Thanks so much for all your replies. Argh, terramum: I'm atheist (I like to call it "humanist" - it sounds less harsh ) too, but send DS to a C of E school. Major integrity blip. I figured I didn't mind him learning about Christianity as an idea, provided it isn't rammed down his throat as fact. At home, we talk about it all as "stories". Hmm.

sorky - wow! You sound like you have your hands full but are loving it. Inspiring stuff. I love the ideal of being a "traditional" family doing HE, with both parents on board and more than one child: in more pessimistic moments, I wonder if it could be a lonely, overly intense and severely financially strapped existence for DS and I. But would being unhappy at school be the better option?

The learning support lady at school who "took" upset DS from me this morning said her daughter was the same: crying every morning for at least the first term, and still doing it now some days in year 5! That just doesn't seem OK to me.

My instinct is telling me to take him out. My mind is saying to look very carefully at the practicalities of doing this alone before I do. Oh, and that it needs to be a decision between me and DS's dad - who is more mainstream and would rather stick with school for now. Sigh.

bananabrain: DS does sound just like yours. What you say resonates.

Wise words, Filly, and thanks for the links, julie. Filly, we asked before DS went to the school if he could start at the legal age of five. They said that if we wanted a place for him then, he'd need to start at four. We were also told that friendships tend to form during Reception, and that he may be at a social disadvantage starting later. And they do all their phonics this term, so he'd miss out on that, etc. None of these reasons seems to justify continuing to make him go when he's miserable.

racmac - I hope your DS is thriving now. School clearly let your DS down.

DS told me he is always "good" at school. I can imagine him being really well behaved and a bit of a shadow of himself, for fear of being told off - being a "good child", like I was at school. Except I don't much like the legacy of that in myself, and I love the feisty, stand-up-for-himself DS I see at home. I'd rather him build on that side of him than the "good" bit.

Here's a question: if your circumstances changed and, for whatever reason, you found yourself as lone parents, would you be able to continue with HE or would school become a necessity for some of you?

Interesting and helpful stuff, all. Thanks.

Easy to say now we are at the end of our home ed journey (dd2 just turned 16) but I'd have sold my soul to keep my children from having to go back to school.

I'd have found a way.
Used grandparents/childminder while I worked. Whatever it took.
The difference it made to my children can't be put down in words.

Interestingly enough, they are now all talking about never sending their children to school, although they did once discuss sending their own children to school for a term-so they would appreciate how lucky they were when they were withdrawn!
Our offspring are now adamant they will give their own children, the sort of autonomous learning and living lifestyle they have enjoyed for the last eight years.

Yes. Ours will never try a school unless they want to. It's not just bad schools I object to, it's all schools - how children are expected to learn, how they're expected to behave, how much opportunity they get to talk to a trusted and loved adult, how safe they feel and lots, lots more. I think my children will grow up happier, more fulfilled, and more secure individuals being out of school than being in one and they'll probalby learn a lot more along the way too!

My DD wont be going to school unless we agree it together later on. She's younger than your son so HE isn't official till the September of 2010 but don't see it as being any real change from having her home up till then anyway.

I think home ed is the better option, so I'm not planning HE as a reaction to schools. There are even some good schools (read good as similar to the ethos I'd pick rather than OFSTED good) in the area, and some that have made flexi-school arrangements with families already. Its nice to know they're there if I need to change my plans at some point but doesn't change my mind on DD carrying on at home. I don't mind later if we make a decision together that DD is going to try school, but I wont be pushing the idea.

I'm not with DD's dad, and he wasn't convinced about HE at first. Without going into the whole story I'll probably sound like an awful ex, but basically by the time we got through the other arguments to the HE argument I wasn't prepared to discuss it with him at all unless he went and did some serious research first. I figured that while I was going against what's 'normal' - it was him that wanted to make a change to what was already happening. DD is doing fine at home so why alter it. I think that if DD had gone to school, been generally ok but then I decided HE would be better I'd feel more like I had to find some evidence/information about it before I made another change - but I'm pretty sure I could find enough to convince myself it was the right thing to do.

It seems to be a pretty common theme that the parent who is with the child most of the time is keen to HE and the other parent isn't so sure (and I've heard it both ways round too). It doesn't seem to be limited to separated parents either. I wonder if its like the idea that new mums are having 'time off' when actually they're with a newborn almost 24/7. So unless you've been there and experienced it or you have a very open mind about it then its hard to understand the ins and outs and whys of it.

I don't have a period of DD being in school to compare the effects with, but so far things are going okay. I've had to make some compromises because of being single but so far nothing fundamental. HE is one of the things that is really important to me and that I would compromise other things for.

I'm finding that some friends we've seen with children DD's age are drifting off as their children go into school or nursery. But the ones' we've become real friends with as opposed to play/coffee dates are making the effort to keep in touch and us with them. In fact DD being home means quite often we're the first call made when they have a random day off because we haven't got another nursery/school timetable to stick to. There aren't lots, but I've always thought that with friends the quality is more important than the quantity and don't see why it would apply any less to children. Not long ago DD started making real friends and although I like their parents its not the same as being whole family friends so I have to try harder.

To make sure we don't end up lonely we've been mixing with HE families online for ages, and more recently a local group got going a little. Ex has gotten more involved here too. We do find that we're the odd ones out a bit because of being separate but so far it hasn't been a problem. There's enough of a mix of personalities and lifestyles that it isn't a blinding difference. I think its harder for him, but I think that's because he's a dad and its mostly mums there day to day, rather than because he's single.

I think that in some ways it'll be easier for me to HE separately, with my ex and me each taking charge of our own time with DD, than it would have been if we were ever a couple and I was home with DD (+?) and he was coming home expecting to see progress etc. But that's pretty specific to us, not other couples/parents or other styles of HE.

I've never had the traditional family set up for myself and DD, so I don't really miss it. Sometimes I do get bit wistful about the idea of it. But generally I'm happy as I am.

I don't think it would be as easy (lol, maybe easy isn't the right word) without the support I have from my family - but that isn't a HE issue so much as a lone parenting issue. It might be more difficult for a lone parent if the HE caused problems with family than it would be for a couple who can rely on each other for support. That isn't a problem for me but it might be something to find out about first.

I live at my mum's, through choice now as after 3 years I'm actually near the top of our social housing list and when I bid on a house I've actually had an offer, so I quickly stopped bidding. Its more like living with housemates than Living At Home, as there are other adults in the house too.

Support/company wise it helps to share a house and for me it does financially too, although on benefits rent doesn't count if its family so I've never got anything towards things like that - but the cost of living is so much lower sharing things (utilities, phone/net, meals, etc). But it is hard sometimes too. Its not a deal breaker either - I'd still HE if I moved out. I'm pretty sure I'd manage to.

Something I do wonder is if I'll ever find enough space of my own to move on and meet someone else. (As awful as it sounds to say it, if I had more than one child I don't think I'd even be considering this as an issue. But I don't feel like my family is complete and I am still young) But while the HE, and so having a slightly weird approach to life, childcare, staying home, etc seems to make this a slightly bigger problem again I think its a lone parent thing not a HE thing. After all if DD went to school and I worked while she was there - I still wouldn't have any more time to my self really.

You don't mention working, but I'll share anyway seeing I'm rambling on so well. Knowing I wanted to do this for the long haul I thought about it in advance and decided I could work and HE. I'm self employed. At the moment, with a very young DD, I'm doing as little as possible out of the home - with lots of hours working on things I can do at home to prepare for later on when I work more. I think that compared to the general population quite a lot of single home educating parents are self-employed because it can offer so much flexibility and they can combine it with HE. I'd be happy to talk more about it if you wanted more info. At the moment I don't use childcare outside of family - try to fit everything I can into times they available or when DD with her dad. I do know of other lone parent who are employed and HE so that is possible too if you can arrange things right.

I don't know if any of that helps at all but it was nice to write it out and think it all through, sometimes I feel a bit like I'm just falling into it. But now I know that actually I'm not at all - I've planned and arranged things in my mind that I didn't even realise I had.

Anastaisia - that's such an inspiring story. Would you consider submitting it to a new blog of UK Home Education stories that has been set up? The idea is that it will be a repository of different ways that people HE, under different circumstances, so it will inspire others!

I think if you go to here the instructions for how to submit a story are pretty obvious.

(I'm trying to spread the word because it's a friend who's set it up, and I think it's a great great idea!)

anastaisia - thank you for writing such a comprehensive and heartfelt post. You're in a similar situation to me, and your drive and determination to make HE work within this context are inspiring.

DS isn't getting on at all well with the idea of school, nor the separating for it, but he seems OK when he comes out. His dad and I have decided to persevere for the term - part-time only - and come Christmas, if he's still less than enthusiastic, we'll look into whether it's viable financially to take him out for a while.

I wish you every success with your own HE journey. Thank you again.

onwardandoutward, I'll have a look and think about what I could share - ex is involved with some HE things now, and while I'm fairly sure he wont be drawn to Mumsnet I'm being very careful what I share in other places right now.

CountryPumpkin, the single parent's list Julie mentioned is good for speaking to other people who manage without the whole family thing and for ways to work around things. There's also a dads list now - I know my ex found it hard because most of the lists are dominated by mums at home most of the time with the children and he didn't feel they could talk to him about the things he wanted to find out more about. So if you're ex is interested in finding out more that could be worth him looking at before you make any decsions.

My 4.1 year old has been offered a place at a good primary school, our second choice, but it doesn't reflect our community at all. Our first choice of school is rather less good academically but is much gentler and is a true reflection of our community.
DS1 attends a great Montessori nursery at the moment which he loves.

He is confident, enjoys other children and seems to be doing well in terms of his development. He has no special needs and I'm sure he would cope with the school where he has been allocated a place. The problem is that I feel very strongly that this school doesn't embrace our vision of what childhood should be and I resent the LEA for forcing us into a school that isn't right.

DH and I are both well qualified and experienced secondary school English teachers. We aren't intimidated by silly demands regarding HE made by the LEA.

Could anyone talk to me about thier experiences of the benefits of HE with confident, happy go lucky children who would probably be happy at school and are quite academically able but not profoundly gifted?

Sorry, I seem to have put this message in the wrong place!

Hello CountryPumpkin,
I moved house specifically over ten years ago in order to get my DS into a 'good' school. He went. He hated it so I moved him to another 'good' school, although almost opposite in term's of approach. He hated it again !!! No particular reason he's academically able, popular amongst his peers, no problems with teacher's etc. His third school was a private Montessori which he did enjoy although he only went part-time 2 or 3 days a week -- until it went into liquidation !!!
He has been fully HE for almost 2 yrs now. School doesn't suit lots of children -- no matter how 'good' they are.
He still keeps in touch with some of his friends from all schools -- and is creating a network of new HE friends too.

Hi

I live practically next door to the best school in the area, I even get letters through my door from people asking if we might want to sell as they would like to be in the catchment area, but neither of my two have ever been to school

It started when ds was very early learning to read, I asked my mum (a primary teacher) what she would do if he walked into her class with the book he was reading at that point. She said that if she even noticed he had a book, she would assume it belonged to an older sibling. That was when I decided we could do better at home.

Initially my husband was working and I was at home with ds, then hubby left teaching due to stress related illnesses and we were both at home. We found it worked really well with us both home, so we both became registered childminders and worked together as a family with up to 9 children in the house at a time This was great for ds and dd who had arrived by this time as they got loads of socialisation.

We did childminding for 9 years then I got ill, so hubby followed up his hobby of genealogy and started doing family history research full time professionally, whilst still working from home.

And here we are now Ds is 23 and off doing a PhD and dd is 13 and still as happy as Larry to be at home learning what she wants when she wants.