Considering home education for an anxious 13-year-old while working alone

[sugardust90]

Hi everyone I'm looking for some advice.

Recently my 13 year old son is not having a good time at school at all. He absolutely hates going to school and gets upset at the thought and very anxious. I've had in depth chats with him about why and there's no rhyme or reason, he just hates it. It goes beyond typical unmotivated teenager just not wanting to get out of bed. He's not getting bullied or bothered and has his small friend group but like I say just can't deal with it.

I work as a carer and am a single parent. It's just an awful worry when I leave for work and know he's going to school absolutely dreading his day.

He brought up home education to me which I personally have never thought about as it terrifies me. So I pondered it and done a bit of Google research but really I'm just looking for some experience in this and how you managed it if at all! Honestly I can't imagine doing it but the way things are with him now I'm considering it ever so slightly.

So has anyone particularly single mums gone through or going through this while working? How is it socially? I worry he'd miss out on socialising it's already hard enough with teenagers being in front of a screen half the time!

Any advice or experience is welcome!
Thanks

Don’t do it. Staying at home 24/7 will just embed his anxieties further and eventually he will end up gaming in the box room and living off benefits for life. He needs to stay out in the world even if it’s tough.

How much do you work?
I home educate my 12 year old but we work from home and he's never on his own for more than a morning. He also goes out to a couple of social activities in the week.
We are starting to think about GCSEs and it does get expensive.

Don’t do it. Your job is to prepare your child for this world. In the real world no one is going to give a damn about your child’s anxiety or excuses. You have to instil the tools in your child that’s they need to navigate this world whilst battling with anxiety.

Sincerely once a very anxiety ridden child.

There is no way you can work and home educate as a single parent. You either won't cover half of the content he needs or you'll burn yourself out within months.

Does anyone actually like school? I suppose some children must but many would opt out of they could lie in and do the bare minimum at home.

Look into getting support for his anxiety, rather than letting him retreat from the world

I work 3 x 12 hour shifts per week. He's almost 14. He's at school til I'm on my break then I collect him and drop him home on my backshift so he's home from around 4-9pm. There's so many pros and cons! But I just worry for him socially and also having him at home all the time 🤦🏼‍♀️ I'm in Scotland so I'm not sure of the costs of exams etc. Do you mind me asking why you chose to homeschool and also how long you've been doing it for?

I have actually been on at the school to his pastoral care teacher however he was as useful as a chocolate teapot!

Im sorry your son is going through this. I wouldn’t jump to home schooling. I’d first speak to school and see if they can put some therapy/ counselling in place. If not go to your gp and try and get it that way. If you can afford it then I’d pay for it.

I work in this field and once you go down homecoming route you make their world smaller and their anxiety doesn’t always get better.

I know this is another reason I don't want to do it. God it's hard! You get over one hurdle then comes another 🤦🏼‍♀️

Well you can’t work while you’re homeschooling him so do you have enough hours in the day to do your shift plus work with him - that’s practically two full time jobs each week.

Thanks for your kind comment. I was an anxious child too although I powered through as you do! I don't want to pull him out of something just because he's anxious. He's not actually an anxious child in general, but school is another thing. He used to love school which saddens me. However I think I'll need to delve deeper into better conversations with the school as they've not been very helpful with my concerns.

If you're only working 3 days a week then it does sound quite doable, you'll have 4 days for education.
It's a long day to be alone though, I'd maybe look at whether there are any home ed groups or activities available in the day. Or even after-school type clubs or activities he could go to on those days?

Social stuff can be harder as they get older - mine goes to a farm school with other secondary aged home ed kids one day a week and his other social activities are after school type stuff, youth club, sports.

I've home educated since my son was 6, he hated school and refused to go.

As he's got older my role has definitely been less 'teacher' and more facilitating education for him, so I find things that he is interested in and set it up and pay for it 😂 He does a couple of online classes, we share a science tutor with another family, he does a distance learning course.

I know I’m sorry. My parent has passed away but they were supportive as well as firm. I’m forever grateful to them because despite still having anxiety I have managed to deal with it and lead a great life.

Habits, routine and lots of coaching. Get your child to go to school.

I home edded my 3 boys from the start until 6th form. In your situation I’d try everything first though and see it as a last resort. Unless he’s got a lot of extra curricula activities you do risk making his world very small as it’s not always easy to make home ed friends at 14.
Also I found the GCSE years a real slog. It’s stressful being mum and revision enforcer as well. Paying for the exams is a lot.
If you think there’s no choice then check Facebook for local home ed groups and support meetups. You can make contact before you decide to deregister to get a better idea of what’s out there.
There are quite a lot of online classes for home ed kids in specific subjects - you don’t have to sign up to an online school . Check out things like Absolute Maths and South West Science School to give you some idea.
It’s do-able but not easy. Maybe also check out what his options would be at 16+ to give you an idea about what you’d need to be working towards.

I am actually very firm with him when it comes to school and going but still trying to be empathetic to him at the same time. It's hard finding a balance especially when I'm on my own trying to be good cop/bad cop 🤣🤦🏼‍♀️ I wish there was a manual for this stuff! Also sorry to hear about your parents but it sounds like they done the right thing

Thank you for your comment. Yes I'm absolutely in no way shape or form ready to commit to this. I was really just putting the feelers out to see how other mums experiences were. It honestly sounds like a lot and like you say will absolutely be a last resort. I need to get on the schools back re how my son's feeling and so they can try to support him better/make it more enjoyable possibly. I have tried however not had much help. I'm absolutely gutted he's been feeling this way because he used to love going to school but it's a total 180 now and it worries me!

Is it worth making sure you're totally honest with him? "Hey, I totally get that you're finding this really hard. I understand why you want to stay at home, but in the long run, anxiety only gets bigger or smaller. The only way it gets smaller is by doing the thing that makes you anxious and seeing that it's broadly speaking okay. Are there particular things making you anxious or particular circumstances we can plan for in advance together that would help?" Type of thing.

Yes thank you. I appreciate your comment. I have spoken to him quite in depth (or as in depth as you can go with a teenager without the grunting and shrugging!) and he swears there is nothing going on, he just hates it no rhyme or reason. I will have more conversations with him and also contact the school again. If they're not helpful I will try our GP to see if they have any advise...

Tell him it’s a means to get to an end. It wil flyby like a flash. He just needs good grades out of school so he can then go on to doing what he wants. It’s not to enjoy or like every aspect of school. I hated it and was desperate to leave. He will have fj leave at one point we all do so best to leave with good qualifications than no qualifications.

I don’t know anything about home schooling so I won’t offer any advice on that as an alternative.

Is he possibly neurodivergent? If so, ignore all the advice on here about getting him to do things and his anxiety will eventually lessen. My first thought when a child is excessively anxious about school, without an obvious trigger, is ASD. It might be worth exploring that first. How motivated would he be to do the work at home? Could you afford a tutor once a week for maths and English? For as long as schools are failing SEND children, i think as parents we have to consider all other options.

I've just been through this with my 14 y/o son. He was begging me to home school him and refusing to go in at least 2/3 days every week.

We put him into therapy and he had 12 sessions of CBT. At the midway point we thought the therapy wasn't working but from session 9 we started to notice a difference in his mood. He's only finished a few weeks but seems happier in himself and has gone to school without complaint.

It's very very difficult but I truly believe anxiety issues need to be addressed and homeschooling is just running away from the problem and leads to bigger issues.

As you are in Scotland is he S1 or a young S2?

If S1, it's a massive change from primary. I know it is in England as well but I think things like SATs do prepare a bit better for the expectations of secondary and primary schools are often bigger with less composite classes.

It may settle down in S2. And if he's already there, well he's only got two years to go.

I do know some kids who have been able to drop certain subjects in S2 to give them catch-up time for other core learning (and a bit of quiet).

I think you need to push harder for a meeting with his guidance teacher. If it's reaching the stage of considering home ed they need to be involved. There are steps before anything this drastic.

In Scotland you can ask for a child planning meeting to address your child’s needs. Say that your son is so anxious you are worried he will no longer be able to attend school. There needs to be a proper recorded meeting and strategies in place as a first step.

There could be things that could support him, depending on which aspects of school he is finding brings on the anxiety.

I vehemently disagree with the ‘he just had to get on with it’ lot. The impact of untreated anxiety can be severe.

This is so helpful thank you. I keep telling myself it's a mix of hormones due to being a teenager but I also suffer from anxiety myself so I sympathise with him and how he's feeling but also trying to be firm! He does definitely need support and I've tried a couple times with the school but they've been pretty rubbish so I need to be more firm with them. I don't think I could actually cope with homeschooling, I just wanted to see what the general consensus was from anyone who's experienced it but I really appreciate your comment its very helpful. I've gone through CBT myself and found it excellent.

This is so helpful thank you. I will definitely do this. Do I contact the school or would it be the education board through the council? I personally can't get to the bottom of what's causing his anxiety despite countless conversations with him - just that he really hates it but him being a teenager, his descriptions and reasonings are...vague 🤣🤦🏼‍♀️ however something definitely needs to be done as it's extremely worrying. I do suffer from anxiety myself although more controlled now, so I do sympathise with him but it's hard finding the right support especially being on my own it's gets very overwhelming trying to juggle everything.