Year 1 son behaviour change

[Millie2008]

Hi,
looking for some wise words please if possible.
For context, I have 2 sons - one would be in year 3 and the other is in year 1.
My older son has been home schooled since September. He is severely autistic and has EBSNA, and has been massively let down by the school system.
My younger son is very different. He started at our local primary in reception and on the whole seemed to settle well.
This year feels different. He will be totally compliant in terms of attending school. Although is the question was posed, he absolutely would choose staying at home rather than school - which I assume would be most children’s preference given the choice. He’s doing well in school by their standards - academically, friendships, following rules. However, at home, we’ve seen a massive change in his behaviour. He is really angry from the moment we pick him up from school. And this manifests largely as hitting and scratching us.
I cant work out whether this is related to the behaviour he has witnessed my older child exhibiting (he displays quite a few challenging behaviours). Or whether it’s related to school burnout/overwhelm. As the weekend progresses and we spend lots of time outside and with animals (his favourite thing to do) he seems to decompress. For it all to start again on Monday. One thing his teacher said at parents evening recently is that he can be quite anxious about getting things right, and will seek lots of reassurance around this. She insists this isnt related to their ethos, which is very much “mistakes are fine” etc. It definitely can’t come from home as we have to be very low demand.
The school is considered very good, and I’ve had nothing but positive vibes.
I can’t work out whether this is typical behaviour for some children is this age group - and perhaps the school burnout will ease as he develops. Or whether we need to act. It’s very upsetting to feel like my sensitive little man with whom I had a close relationship is struggling and directing his anger towards me :-( any thoughts very welcome. TIA

I actually don't think it much matters whether your little boy's behaviour is typical for children his age, or whether it is "normal" for kids to dislike school. It does seem clear that school is stressing your son out. You say he improves over the weekend in response to being in an environment which is better suited to his needs. Just going on that, home education would seem to be a better choice for him.

You've also said that you can't work out whether your younger child is picking up aggressive behaviours from his brother or whether he's feeling overwhelmed. Surely it can be both? He IS overwhelmed - you can tell from the fact he gets better after he's been away from school. And possibly he has learned at home that when people feel overwhelmed, they lash out. (Or maybe he would have behaved just the same way if he were an only child; who knows?) Regardless, the first thing to do is to improve his situation so he doesn't feel that way.

I'm sure it has crossed your mind that he too might have autism even though it isn't so obvious as with his brother. But you don't necessarily have to figure that out in order to conclude that he isn't happy at school.

Do you think you could manage to have both of them out of school together? I know it can be a very difficult setup where one of the kids has challenging behaviours, and is a reason why sometimes it's impossible to home educate both. But it really does seem like it would suit your younger son too if possible.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response - really appreciated.
The bit that has really resonated is when you said about how he may have learned than when we feel overwhelmed we lash out. I’m a psychologist and hadnt managed to work that one out 🤦‍♀️🙄 it’s food for thought and helps to think about possible solutions.

yes, it would be really challenging to have both boys at home. Not saying I wouldn’t do it if I thought it was best. But I would have to think about how fair it would be on them both. Due to the older one’s needs I can’t take them both out by myself unfortunately. So could be come quite an isolated existence.

I guess the reason I mentioned the thing about whether it was “typical” behaviour for a 5 year old - was because I’m wondering whether he may naturally become less overwhelmed/burnt out once he’s in year 3, say (the age when I personally think formal learning should start). And then everything may settle down. We might then regret making big decisions like taking him out of school (we’d never get him back into this one - and as far as mainstream schools go I think it’s a “good” one).

As an infant teacher, I can tell you that most children his age have this end of term overload by this point. They are tired, niggling, sensitive, easily upset, routines are out of place due to special events at school, there's Christmas build up, etc. It's all a lot for a 5yo to deal with.

Having said that, as you'll know yourself, there's an increased likelihood that your younger son is also neurodivergent.

Thanks @thornbury- reassuring to hear that it’s common for children to be burnt out by this point. I guess we’ll see how things are after the Xmas break.

Hm yes, trying home education becomes a much bigger decision given that your child is in a popular school which you like, so you wouldn't get him back in if you give up the place. I can see why that is a problem.

And the fact you can't take both kids out together by yourself is also challenging and could lead to isolation for all of you. The only suggestion I might make there if you do end up home educating is if you can afford it, you might pay a childminder or babysitter to take your younger child out sometimes. For example, another home ed parent might be very pleased to be able to make some money by picking your son up and taking him along with their family to a home ed group, park, museum etc. Or taking him back to their house to play with their kids for the afternoon. (If you already knew some other HE families then there's a good chance somebody would offer to do this for free - it happens a lot in my community and I've done it myself - but you're in a bind since you aren't in a good position to get out and get to know people in the first place!)

Have you considered flexischooling for your younger one? It sounds like he might be okay at school with fewer hours, and it would keep him ticking along socially and give him more variety in his daily life compared with being home all day every day. After a child is five, it can only be done with the agreement of the headteacher. I understand that most heads are inclined to a knee-jerk No and so it's best to broach the subject with them only after doing your research and having answers ready for their likely objections. If this option appeals to you, I suggest you join the "Flexischooling Families UK" Facebook group, which I've heard is the best source or information.

They’re absolutely all of them hideously behaved by this stage of the Christmas term.

Massively overstimulated at school from changes to routine, exciting events, pressure from eg plays, carols etc. And massively overstimulated at home from Christmas excitement, more sweet treats, decorations, plans etc.

Ive got one ND child and one who isn’t. My NT child would have to be having an absolutely terrible time at school for a really long period of time before I would consider home education for her. However much she loves her brother, she does need time away from him and his needs in order that she can sometimes come first and focus on herself. School partly provides this opportunity and I would really struggle to provide the equivalent at home.

If he’s really struggling you could consider giving him a day or two off this week to recover?

@Saracenthanks for your advice around childminders etc. And yes, you’ve hit the nail on the head re why home Ed for my second can’t be taken lightly- as even if technically best for him, may not be in reality due to the family situation.
yes, I have thought about flexi schooling and think this could be a good compromise. But as you say, I am pretty confident it will be an absolute no from the head. Particularly as he isn’t showing any “difficult” behaviours as school (yet). But I will join that fb group and have a read - thanks.

@NewUserName2244- yup this resonates for sure. My younger child’s needs typically come second (although I try my absolute hardest to mitigate this), and so he does need a place that’s just for him. It’s just whether school is meeting that need. Reassuring to hear that it can be a challenging time of year for kids this age, thanks. It really is such a change 😢

My 2 both found the jump from reception to year 1 hard. My son especially would be tired, grumpy and angry by the end of the term. Both happy at secondary now.