4 year old struggling at childminders home ed and asd

[Molly4200]

Hi just looking for some advice
I took my daughter (4) out of nursery as they wasn’t meeting her needs and the environment was too busy and too much for her she’s on the pathway for autism her brother is diagnosed. she masks in nursery / childminders and is a polite well behaved child etc but unfortunately holds in all her feelings and struggles horrendously around other children and with noise, she’s so anxious and repeats things to me constantly. when she finishes she has huge meltdowns from holding in all day and effects sleep

as I said I took her out of nursery and I picked a childminders after a break at home to recover from nursery. Because she struggles so much I’ve been having to look at home ed for sept 25 when she is meant to start school. She would never cope in school with 30 children.. but it is difficult as my older is asd and adhd and doesn’t sleep at all and has high needs, he does go to school but having no break would be very hard I can’t pour from an empty cup and it’s only me taking care of them.

she’s curenely in a childminder with 5 other kids, she goes 3 days a week on one of the days there is only 2 other children in, she copes better on this day. Much better as the other children nap so she has a lot more 1-1 times and break from the noise/ other children. When she’s at childminder she doesn’t sleep well, worries herself, up in the night , can’t fall asleep due to anxiety, everyday anyway she gets up very early at around 4am, but it’s worse on childminder days . The other two days she panicks all morning saying she’s scared she’s nervous she doesn’t like the noise etc she then screams all the way there, gets herself all worked up and can’t talk her round. Begs me to go back home and not to send her. It breaks my heart.

I must add the childminder is amazin, I’ve spent loads of time with her I talk to her everyday her setting is amazing, she adapts things for her she communicates with me And she’s been doing it for 30 plus years. She’s honestly lovely. The other children are nice the younger ones argue abit but the childminder has things in place , they do run around screaming etc but again there children we can’t stop that. Sometimes they do get in her personal space but again they’re young, not the other children’s fault mostly and anything that needs correcting the childminder does. You would have those things around most children. When we arrive once I leave she holds in all her feelings stops crying appears “ fine “ even tho she’s not and then holds in all day. She won’t tell anyone she doesn’t want to do something or not to do something, she doesn’t speak up and tell the childminder if anything is wrong or too loud she masks and holds it all in.. she does like her childminder and she does enjoy all the activities she sets up for them, on the quieter day she’s a lot happier, but unfortunately that’s the only day there’s less children in and a can’t gurantee it will stay that way either as she takes on more children.
I don’t want to keep her away from people so I want her to still socialise and go , its a much better setting than she was in and a lot less children than nursery and school.. i just want to no if I’m traumatising her sending her when she’s begging me not to and I should just keep her home. I do everything I can to help her and I don’t want her to loose her trust in me as her safe person by forcing her to go when she’s begging me not to .. But my worry is she will struggle more and more if she doesn’t go I may add she’s been there for nearly a year now .. so it’s not new to her the children are all the same to.
as I’m considering home education I would still need childcare for a day or two a week. So the plan was for her to stay on at the childminders for a few days a week as I still need to be able to attend meetings at my sons school etc and do all the rest of the stuff need to do and then home school the rest of the week and over the weekends but with her being so upset when I drop her off I just don’t know if she can stay on there and if am Doing the right thing still sending her . It’s so hard to no what is best. She still needs to socialise with other children but she struggles so much without me, I’ve just dropped her off and my heart is broken for her after an hour of screaming and begging to be with me and go home and she feels nervous etc and then she has to walk through the door of childminders and hold it all in.

would you keep her home full stop or still send her?

Does she settle once she's actually there? If so I think persevering could be in all your best interests. Three days seems a reasonable amount too.

I would keep her at the childminders. You have to look after yourself first or you will have a break down and then you won't be able to look after the kids.

I think many of us are used to the idea that children's social needs match what school offers: five days a week with a variety of other children of similar age to themselves. But school wasn't designed that way to promote children's social development - it is the way it is because it's a cost effective way of delivering an education and childcare - and there's no evidence that it's good for their social well-being. For some children such as yours, it's highly stressful.

Your daughter was unhappy at nursery. It doesn't make sense to replicate the environment where she was miserable. It sounds like she needs a lot more quiet and down time, and fewer children, especially fewer loud young children. I know it's hard to accept that this lovely wonderful childminder is not able to provide the right setting for your child. That's no criticism of her. It just isn't the right fit.

That's separate from the question of your need for a break from your daughter. I don't doubt that. At the same time, I will say that many home educating parents discover that their children are far easier to be around once they are happy and getting their needs met. You might find that at least some of your daughter's challenging behaviours evaporate when she is spending less time in a stressful environment. She may sleep better and have less need to blow up at home with you.

If you let your imagination run wild and try to think of a setting which would be a good fit for your daughter, what would that look like? I don't know her, but from what you've said I am guessing a very calm environment with no children or few children, and definitely no children who are often loud?

Is she reasonably content at her current CM on the one calmest day? I'd just send her on that one day for now. It's true that things may change in future as the CM takes on more children, but if it works for now...

What about a babysitter who would come to your house and occupy your daughter while you sleep or have some time to yourself elsewhere in the house? That way your daughter could stay in the place she is most comfortable, and she'd have the security of knowing you're on hand if she needs you, though of course in the long run you don't want a pattern of her running to you all the time.

Or what about a home educating childminder who has just their own (older) children? Childminding can appeal to home educating parents, as it enables them to earn some money while also looking after their own kids. One nice thing about a HE childminder is that they might have older (possibly quieter) kids than your current CM. Another is that they probably won't be doing nursery and school runs, so the day can be more peaceful in the sense of not having to rush out to get places on time.

Very likely a setting involving fewer children is going to be more expensive per hour than your daughter's current CM. But if it is a better fit, it might be worth it. What if you had to pay twice as much per hour, but she was really content, and you sent her for half the number of hours she is currently doing? Might that work?

What's the long game though, is it to develop skills to cope with a less than ideal surrounding, and be equipped to get a job/live around other people? Because although it sounds like she would be happiest staying at home it could be limiting for her in the long run. All depends how her ASD affects her of course. There are learning support departments in schools who can work with the child (as she grows up) and would share the burden of being the only one to care for her child's needs with the OP. I think it's too much to do alone.

This is a lovely post with some good ideas. I feel for you, op. It sounds like you’re a brilliant mum with your children’s best interests at heart.

If you are considering home education, look into what groups and classes are on in your area.
Go to a few and see if you feel you/she would like it.

Often ND children cope better with older or younger peers, rather than those their own age which you definitely get with HE.

You may find that if her needs are being met and she’s not having to mask and then you have to deal with the meltdowns then it’s so much easier for you too.

If you have one in school and one HE, that can be very hard.
You lose the freedom HE gives you when you have a child in school. You can’t just have a lazy morning one day when everyone needs it as you have to get up for a school run. If you are out for the day and everyone is happy and wants to stay/go on your something else, you are constantly clock watching to get back for the school pick up. It’s difficult to do big days out or cheap holidays in term time as you have one in school. You’ve still got all the mental load of school, remembering all the school things, sorting uniform etc.

In terms of her being ready to be left/socialise by herself, it’s often not something you can teach her to get used to with exposure, it’s just when they are developmentally ready.
One of mine was similar, didn’t want to be left at all. Once they got to about 7/8, would happily be dropped off at places, run in smiling. I’ve never forced them to be left when upset, never went to nursery or childminder. Now they are very confident and secure, happy to chat to other adults, has great friends, very social. They just needed me there for longer than other children.
I think sometimes by listening to them and acknowledging them, it makes them feel more secure, rather than forcing them to go somewhere when they are upset.

Whats your work / financial situation? You need to look at whether you can financially afford HE. It’s not cheap at all and you need to not work or a supportive other half where you can work alternative shifts around the DC. Or be well off enough to afford childcare for the days you work. That would depend on your area and what’s on offer, forest school/HE childminders for example.

There is the options of looking into flexi schooling and SN schools, where classes are often smaller and quieter.

You don’t have to send her to school until the term after she turns 5 so this may buy you some more time to decide or you could send her for one morning a week if you wanted to!