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Find advice from other parents on our Homeschool forum. You may also find our round up of the best online learning resources useful.

Uncooperative 14yo - help!

5 replies

Mumofteens4892 · 27/08/2024 12:00

DS had diagnosed PTSD last year. Great backup from GP but no support from school. Part-time timetable quickly turned to “unauthorised absence” despite the medical support. School said they couldn’t “make allowances” for the needs of 1 pupil. No other schools in our area. So we deregistered.

He has done some things - gardening for friends and family, other chores / odd jobs. His mental health has improved immeasurably.

Any sort of more formal learning is a flat “no”. If I push him at all, he leaves the house and spends all day with friends (I know he is safe). There are a lot of kids out of school in our area (despite it being a leafy and relatively affluent market town) so there’s no shortage of kids to hang out with.

I find it very hard/impossible to “insist” that he spends time with me. I read on Home Ed groups about doing cooking, museums, watching films, going to historic places….etc. but he simply won’t engage.

Forcing him back to the school is impossible - bridges have been burned. He doesn’t want therapy, he’s not sure he wants to go to college.

Help!

OP posts:
Saracen · 27/08/2024 14:21

It's tricky with children who have trauma. I have no direct experience, but I know this is very very common among kids who have come out of school. I think you just have to carry on taking it very very gently. You've seen what happens if you try to force things on your son.

The fact that your son is so much better already and that he engages with some things such as chores and gardening is fantastic news. It sounds like he is heading in the right direction.

You might like to read up about unschooling and maybe talk to some other parents who are taking this approach with their teens. It's all about offering experiences, so they know it's available if and when they want it. If your son reacts strongly against even having it offered to him, you could step back even further and just do things yourself which you think might interest him - or just things which interest YOU: you deserve to learn interesting stuff too! He might join in and he might not. Take the pressure off.

So, if you've always wanted to learn Italian, do Duolingo yourself and watch Italian films with the English subtitles on. Do some DIY to improve your carpentry skills. Bake or sew if you like those things. Listen to podcasts around the house, whether or not your son is in the room with you. If he is safe to be left on his own for a few hours, or if there's someone who can keep an eye on him, go out to a museum yourself, and invite your son casually to join you but make it clear you're going regardless. Model lifelong learning and following your interests. Create a rich learning environment.

It isn't unlike the way parents often encourage toddlers to try a wider range of foods. You don't have to bribe or threaten. Keep putting it on the table, without drawing attention to whether he eats it or not because that may just increase anxiety and opposition. At the same time, don't give up and restrict meals only to foods which you know the child will eat, because if new foods aren't available, they're never going to have the opportunity to decide to try it.

Saracen · 27/08/2024 14:32

You also may feel able to relax more if you can focus on the long game. Unlike at school, in home education there are no standard ages at which things must be learned. It's entirely possible your son may not be sufficiently recovered to tackle GCSEs by the time he is 16. If he needs them, he can take them later. It is no harder - and in some ways easier - to do them at 18 or 20.

My older child sat English and maths GCSE aged 19/20, when they were ready, and later went on to university, where they are doing really well. My younger one is not at all likely to ever manage GCSEs. I think she will do some level of Functional Skills exams instead, but now at 18 she is not yet ready for that either. Luckily, there is no hurry. I am not going to tell her that her education is over and kick her out of the family home. She does understand that she needs to be doing some paid or voluntary work in the next few years and looking outward to her future.

Schools have rigid deadlines, which piles pressure on kids and ignores their individual needs. We don't have to do it like that. We can afford to concentrate on their well-being.

Have you met other local home educating parents of older teens and young adults? I think you might find it helpful to see the many paths they follow to adulthood.

Mumofteens4892 · 28/08/2024 21:54

That’s so helpful - make learning more available to him - I work a lot at home so I have my head in a laptop a LOT. That’s not very inspiring! I’ll make a bucket list I think.

How does report-writing work in this case though … demonstrating “full-time, effective….etc”?

He’s been out of school nearly 6 months and no LA contact yet though - fingers crossed it stays that way!

OP posts:
Saracen · 29/08/2024 08:06

Good, I'm glad it helped!

Report writing: with unschooling, you can discuss opportunities and what you observe that your son has learned or is learning.

So you'd list available resources such as internet access, books, art supplies, a chemistry set, a library, local museums which he could go to if he wanted (irrespective of whether he's actually done that yet - just as schools are allowed to brag about having a pottery wheel or choir or football team even if a specific child isn't currently choosing to use those facilities), any knowledgeable friends or family or yourself who'd be willing to teach him about maths or local history or politics or sports coaching.

What he has learned: think hard and be observant about what he's learning. You can start making a rough list now. Even if the LA never get in touch, that will reassure you that he's making progress!

Does he get the bus to go see his friends? Then he's learning independence, how to read a bus timetable, confidence in interacting with the bus driver, geography. Maybe you've talked to him about his personal safety and whether there are parts of town which he should avoid at night (and why), discussed drug use with him, and told him what to do if he loses his bus card.

You know your son is socialising with you and his friends, and you may have seen him developing skills through that such as negotiation, tact, empathy, and acceptance.

You probably have conversations with him on a wide range of topics, from which he'll be learning. Yesterday I told my teen about a friend of mine who'd recently been suckered into accepting a job abroad. When he arrived, it turned out to be completely different from what he'd been told: dangerous and exploitative. He had the resources and sense to turn around and come straight home within a week, despite his shame at having been tricked. He'd resigned his previous job and lost £3000, but at least he was okay. We talked about what he could have done if he hadn't had money for airfare to come home. Who could he go to who might help him? I mentioned that some people are more isolated and vulnerable and perhaps have their passports taken from them. We discussed human trafficking and modern slavery in this country and elsewhere. The subject is of particular interest to me because my daughter has a learning disability and is too trusting, so I want her to be aware of how to avoid and escape from these situations.

If your son gets paid for the gardening work, then he has experience of running a small business, being organised, negotiating rates, appropriate workplace behaviour (what happens if you don't turn up when you said you would? what if they ask you to do extra work for free? can you help yourself to food from their fridge? what do you do if you're scared of their dog?) and managing money. If it's voluntary, then he's learning about altruism and community engagement. Obviously he's learning a useful skill and becoming more employable.

You can talk about progress he's made since leaving school with his mental health and self-esteem.

Education Otherwise has a template and a report-checking service, where knowledgeable people will look at a draft of your report and advise on whether you've gone into enough detail and whether there's anything missing which the LA is likely to want to see. That service is free to their members and available to non-members in return for a small donation. See the top of the page here: www.educationotherwise.org/

Mumofteens4892 · 29/08/2024 11:25

Oh my word you are truly, utterly wonderful!

I asked him this morning about us getting a laptop and signing up for functional skills maths and English. I got a big huge fat "no" and was then starting to feel awful again. "Maths and English is Sh, college is sh" ....etc...etc.

Then I read your reply.....

I can't thank you enough!

I had a very predictable education myself - great school, lots of GCSEs, A-levels, degree...etc and I am finding it hard to wrap my head around him not wanting any of those things.

He's just disappeared off into town to buy a fishing rod and learn trout fishing with a mate. I'll get drafting a report before they ask for one....

THANK YOU!!!!!

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