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Home ed

Find advice from other parents on our Homeschool forum. You may also find our round up of the best online learning resources useful.

Nervous about telling family and 'school friends'

28 replies

callmesophia · 19/08/2024 11:07

I'm looking for a little advice from seasoned home edders please. I am deregistering my eight year old in a few days and we're really looking forward to our journey. I've spent actual years in limbo about this, researched and read as much as I can etc. We are really close to immediate family and I know they will not understand and possibly make annoying comments about home ed.

We have two older children who are staying in school (ages 12 and 14) but have given them the option should they feel differently going forward. We also have an 11 month old baby who won't be going to school.

What's the best way to tell them we are doing this? Do I go in with a couple of facts? Or just be quite "our kid, our choice" do you think?

Our family mean the world to us so I'm sure they will be supportive eventually. I'm just nervous.

TIA

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callmesophia · 19/08/2024 11:08

Sorry, and also a similar situation with 8 year old's school friends and their parents, who I really get on with :)

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MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 19/08/2024 11:09

How do you plan to give your eight year old adequate educational focus with a baby? Will she just be going to home ed classes/groups? If so that's likely to be easier for people to understand

EveryKneeShallBow · 19/08/2024 11:13

Very much your kid your choice. “Thanks for your concern/comments, I have done my research and I am confident this is the right choice for us.”

SilenceInside · 19/08/2024 11:13

I wouldn't "go in" with any kind of list of facts, or announce it or discuss it at all unless your family specifically ask about next term or future plans for school. If they ask a reasonable question without judgment, then just answer it. If they make critical comments then don't engage and just respond with a simple comment like "It's what me and DH have decided will be best for DC". Repeat ad nauseum.

callmesophia · 19/08/2024 11:17

We've got some groups planned, a home ed forest school session once a week, and an arts workshop every Friday. The baby is easy going and loves to be involved tbh. I am an ex educator so feel more than confident in delivering appropriate academic type work. She loves to learn also, so that makes things a lot easier.

I am a classical historian so hoping to introduce (and immerse) her in history. Which she adores, especially Roman Britain. So lots of museum trips and archive experiences. I have connections in the heritage sector so hoping to make good use them!

It's a big decisions to go against the norm, and I guess it's natural to be anxious about telling people our plans

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sleepworkmum · 19/08/2024 11:17

Do you have a clear idea of why you are making this decision? We have just deregistered our 9yo DD due to years and years of school refusal. She is ND and this is honestly the only way for her. We raised this as an outcome with our families months before we made the decision, which gave us time to discuss - without any pressure - what was going on for her and how we would want it to look.

How does DD feel about this? Has she been involved in this decision?

callmesophia · 19/08/2024 11:17

Thanks all

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jokish · 19/08/2024 11:19

callmesophia · 19/08/2024 11:17

We've got some groups planned, a home ed forest school session once a week, and an arts workshop every Friday. The baby is easy going and loves to be involved tbh. I am an ex educator so feel more than confident in delivering appropriate academic type work. She loves to learn also, so that makes things a lot easier.

I am a classical historian so hoping to introduce (and immerse) her in history. Which she adores, especially Roman Britain. So lots of museum trips and archive experiences. I have connections in the heritage sector so hoping to make good use them!

It's a big decisions to go against the norm, and I guess it's natural to be anxious about telling people our plans

Generally no one cares

callmesophia · 19/08/2024 11:20

sleepworkmum · 19/08/2024 11:17

Do you have a clear idea of why you are making this decision? We have just deregistered our 9yo DD due to years and years of school refusal. She is ND and this is honestly the only way for her. We raised this as an outcome with our families months before we made the decision, which gave us time to discuss - without any pressure - what was going on for her and how we would want it to look.

How does DD feel about this? Has she been involved in this decision?

Yes absolutely. We've spoken about it and decided it would be the best thing to do. She's happy with all decisions involved.

No major issues, I just want something different for her and the baby. Which fits our child led family ethos a bit better. She needs to be able to go to the bathroom whenever she wants. And have a drink. Amongst many reasons.

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itsgettingweird · 19/08/2024 11:24

What's the decision making been a round your older 2 remaining in school?

I personally don't care what individuals choose to do but I think if you're taking 2 from education and 2 are remaining that's where the questions will lie so I'd think about answers around that.

Plus it sounds like you've made the decision and out it to the children rather than them not being happy at school?

I do like the response above by PP about it being a decision you are happy with - that's the underlying "so shut it!" Line 😉

callmesophia · 19/08/2024 11:28

Well we've spoken to them about it and they've said they want to stay at school, mainly because they would miss their friends. So I would never push it, they're pretty head strong kids and I respect their choices. I've said the option is always there if it doesn't feel right, kinda thing.

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sleepworkmum · 19/08/2024 11:38

you could take the 'thank you for your concerns but we've made the decision' stance, but that could alienate family who may be curious or have genuine questions. I wouldn't shut people down in this case if you can help it.

It sounds like you have considered it well and having had all children involved in the decisions is the right thing to do. You have not done this on a whim. Having children in and out of school is not that unusual. There are some threads here on it (I started one of them!). The main challenges we got from family that needed a bit of time or convincing were:

  1. What if she gets behind?
  2. What about socialising and friends?
  3. Won't it be a lot of work for you - will you have to do all the teaching?
  4. What if you change your mind in a few years, or she hates it?

These are all valid questions, and you have the answers to them in your plan. Giving people space to ask the questions is the best way to get their long-term support.

I sent my in-laws a bunch of links to quite high spec online schools that we have on our radar for the future. I doubt we'll end up using them, but it demonstrates there is a good middle ground between the hippie hug a tree stuff that your family might be worried about and the rigid school environment you want to leave.

itsgettingweird · 19/08/2024 11:40

callmesophia · 19/08/2024 11:28

Well we've spoken to them about it and they've said they want to stay at school, mainly because they would miss their friends. So I would never push it, they're pretty head strong kids and I respect their choices. I've said the option is always there if it doesn't feel right, kinda thing.

And that's a perfect answer to give people.

We decided as a family we'd like to offer theses opportunities and 8yo would love to learn via HE and our 2 eldest want to stay in school.

Both younger children can attend school if ever they request it.

Not that your choices are anyone else's business.

callmesophia · 19/08/2024 11:44

@sleepworkmum
@itsgettingweird

Perfect thanks!

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DinnerOnTheGrass · 19/08/2024 11:47

They’ll just think you’re likely to be making a mistake, and say so, or not, but if you feel you’re making the right decision, then I’m not sure what you’re feeling ‘anxious’ about?

Be prepared for people to ask you why the baby doesn’t get a choice between school or home ed, like your older children, or why going to the toilet is an adequate reason for taking an eight year old out of school, rather than just talking to her teacher.

I can think of lots of reasons why home ed might be appropriate (friends have done it with school refusers, situations of bullying, intense anxiety, illness), but yours seems pretty woolly.

easylikeasundaymorn · 19/08/2024 11:54

No skin in the game but I would think the fact that 2 of the kids are staying in school would make it easier- you can say you are doing whats best for your 1 child as an individual- therefore theyll be less likely to infer the implicit criticsm (unintended by you) that YOUR way is better and they dont care enough about their kids (or Vice versa) by not turning it into a school is better/home ed is better debate, just a factual all kids are different, i think this is better for this child of course you do when you think is best for your child.

In the same vein I wouldn't mention that you've decided not to send the baby at all at this point - its not relevant and things might change in 4 years - family illness or loss of income meaning you cant afford to stay home, new school with different ethos opening, or they might just really want to go to school -presumably if you gave the 3 siblings the option you'd let them choose too when they were old enough?

The only thing that struck me from your post was the focus on the topics you and your dd (atm) find interesting which I 100% understand - but are you going to be as gung-ho in pushing the subjects that she (and you) don't like and find harder. She's 8 - if she gets the message that (for example) science is boring and we will just do the bare minium to pass exams so we can focus on fun history she's not going to be exposed to any alternative to make her mind up herself.
The benefit of secondary school in particular is being exposed to people who are genuinely interested in and have a passion for the subject they teach (albeit I am fully aware that's idealistic atm with lots of teachers not having a degree or background in the subject they are teaching and being mainly used as crowd control).
But I fully appreciate this is probably something you've thought of and you aren't going to put your entire teaching plan on MN!

callmesophia · 19/08/2024 11:56

Yeah fair enough.

I don't know what you mean by 'woolly' though. It's many reasons, that I can't be arsed to get into on the Mumsnet, as previously stated. Thanks for your response but not really what I'm asking, is it?

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callmesophia · 19/08/2024 11:59

@easylikeasundaymorn thanks 👍🏼

Yeah absolutely, I'm going with 8 y/o's interests. She also loves moths and butterflies, so we're planning a project on that too.

I taught in a secondary school for years and there's so much wrong with the system it angers me immensely.

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theresnolimits · 19/08/2024 12:07

You have to reframe it in your mind that those questions are coming from a place of concern, not criticism. It’s natural that family will want to understand your thinking. I’m sure once you explain, they will be reassured.

Friends, I have found, give you much less thought than you might anticipate.

callmesophia · 19/08/2024 12:08

theresnolimits · 19/08/2024 12:07

You have to reframe it in your mind that those questions are coming from a place of concern, not criticism. It’s natural that family will want to understand your thinking. I’m sure once you explain, they will be reassured.

Friends, I have found, give you much less thought than you might anticipate.

Absolutely bang on.

They adore the kids.

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Velvetbee · 19/08/2024 12:09

People will nit pick and demand answers, just like they have here 🤣. However people don’t have a right to demand your thoughts on every possible scenario. No one is asking parents of schooled kids ‘what will you do if your kid hates school?’

Be breezy and confident, have a few phrases to hand, ‘we’ve done lots of research and we’re all really excited,’ kind of thing. People will still talk about it behind your back and some will express concern.
You know it’s a valid choice though and you just have to radiate confidence until others leave you be.

My youngest is starting college this year so our home ed journey has come to an end after 18 years. People are still judgemental, during his interview for college someone suggested DS would have no social skills because he was home educated but you just crack on.
Enjoy it! Take lots of pictures and try everything, the home ed community has its fruit-cakes but you’ll find your people. Good luck!

Saracen · 19/08/2024 12:27

Discussions with family are probably going to have a different flavour from those with friends.

Family will be worried about whether you'll damage your child. IME, when it comes to home educating a primary-aged child, people tend to feel it's okay in the short term. The kinds of things an eight-year-old needs to learn are clearly not that hard to teach. Especially with you having a background in education, your relatives will feel fairly comfortable about that. Probably they will look further down the line: what if she gets lonely? what if she doesn't learn to get along with people? how will she do GCSEs? The simple way to reassure them is to address those questions somewhat - you may already have some ideas - while repeating that it doesn't have to be a permanent decision and she can always return to school later if home ed doesn't seem to be working out socially or educationally. "We're going to have a break from school and try a different approach for now. We'll see later what seems best at secondary age."

That line just kicks the can down the road, of course. However, since you have a hunch that your family will come round in time, that buys you a few years to let them see for themselves how home ed looks in practice. People who aren't familiar with home ed have trouble imagining it. Let them see. I bet that once you have been doing it for a few years, most of their worries will have evaporated. Also, you yourself will have learned more about home education and will have more answers for them!

Friends may well feel threatened by what you are doing. Most people acknowledge that there are some major disadvantages to school. Most kids don't particularly like school, and some are seriously unhappy there. When people send their kids to school despite those problems, this must be because in their minds there are even bigger benefits to school... or to express it differently, there must be big drawbacks to home education. If your home education goes brilliantly, that undermines their belief in those big drawbacks. (That's less true if your child's needs are obviously different from their own children's needs, which is why many people are comfortable with the idea of home educating kids who have special needs or who are being severely bullied, but believe HE should not be contemplated in "normal" circumstances.)

And if it isn't the case that there are big drawbacks to home education, it follows that maybe their own children are suffering unnecessarily at school, that maybe they themselves are letting their kids down. That would be a very painful idea. I think this is why some people get irrationally upset about home education.

The tactful way to skirt round all of that is to refrain from criticising school, and to hint at special circumstances for your family / your child which might mean home ed works for her but isn't necessarily best for theirs. ("She quite likes a quiet environment, and that's easier to provide at home." "Most of her friends aren't at her school anyway, so she'll be free to see them more often." "She has grandparents who are in ill health, and it will be nice for her to spend more time with them while she can." "She does better with hands-on learning." "She just really doesn't like school, so we thought we'd try something different.") The fact that your older children are staying at school will help with this.

If you actually do believe home ed provides better opportunities for most kids across the board, suggesting otherwise will feel disingenuous. However, it's rude to challenge the heartfelt beliefs of acquaintances who aren't champing at the bit for that discussion. Together with politics and religion, sometimes it's better not to go there.

Sherrystrull · 19/08/2024 12:30

callmesophia · 19/08/2024 11:56

Yeah fair enough.

I don't know what you mean by 'woolly' though. It's many reasons, that I can't be arsed to get into on the Mumsnet, as previously stated. Thanks for your response but not really what I'm asking, is it?

I think that this poster is correct. You need to focus on the forest school, child led approach than the ability to have a drink or go to the toilet when she likes that you mentioned earlier.

overgrowntoddler · 19/08/2024 13:29

Try this text

"We have news!
From September Molly will be home schooled and ted and ruby have decided to stay on. We are looking forward to this new dynamic! Exciting times ahead"

from what you have said it sounds like you have moral objections to the school system. That is totally fine - I'm a teacher and I would home ed too if it could be managed.

In order to smooth the transition I would keep this politico- moral reasons to yourself. I would tell them you want freedom to explore learning creatively and want to try a new way of learning. That you are open minded giving it a go and seeing what happen. We are well researched her and well planned.

You need to shut down conversation and not get drawn into a debate.

Telling people
You are Not sending you child to school so she can "go to the toilet and drink whenever she wants" is inviting a whole raft of criticism from everyone who know the ins and outs of the education system!

callmesophia · 19/08/2024 13:33

@Saracen @overgrowntoddler

Thanks for your responses, genuinely appreciated and taken onboard

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