The social side

[Refbuckethat]

I work with a Yr7 lad in a sports context that's home Ed. . He's bright, very confident, engaged & generally. I'm becoming more aware of his desire to hang out with all his mates.
The lads include him fully in games etc but outside it can a be a bit
Advice?

What are you actually asking?

Sorry it can be a bit awkward.
I was wondering what other home Ed 12 year old boys do to get that social boy around just being part of a gang of mates, of going out as a group etc
This is one aspect of non school which he seems want.
He seems to be craving it. That bit of socialisation where they mix with a lot of peers in same year group all day every day.

I'm not explaining myself very well!
He's a brilliant kid but can seem needy in that regard and I don't want the others thinking he's odd.. another parent mentioned it and said it's as if he's craving mates his own age & he'd prob love school

So you are all gossiping about this child and their family ? Thinking you all know what’s best - perhaps you could just make sure he gets the most out of the sports sessions you offer and support socialising in that time ?

There could be any number of reasons why he’s home educated, and there are many ways to socialise that don’t involve going to school - he may do other groups ? He may be ND and have a huge desire to socialise but can’t actually cope with it and tries but is exhausted afterwards at home (one of my dc is like this).

So he is very sociable. That's good. What does he do that makes him seem "needy"?
If you are actually concerned you should speak to his parents or speak to your safeguarding lead.

@OnlytheonceZ no we are not all gossiping about him. It's just been mentioned that he comes across as desperate to hang out with the others more outside of the sport but they all have their own mates from their current or past schools who they default to.
He's very bright and gregarious. He's not neuro diverse either: we have plenty who are. The others like him but he doesn't get invited to hang out with them outside of the sessions

Why don't the others invite him?

That’s the issue then - when other families mention it why not suggest they include him ?

I am also the safeguarding lead. We have other home Ed children but they are much quieter or have more siblings of a similar age so it's not flagged as much. But actually now I reflect, it has with one teen girl as her coach mentioned similar in passing.
I was just wondering what home Ed teens do in terms of similar peer experiences. I assume they do stuff with other home Ed teens in the week but all the stuff I've seen has been primary age.
And yes I might well chat to his mum about it as I want to create the best possible experience.

Because they mainly go to local schools. So they love him as a sports team mate as he's a great kid but their default is to hang out with their school mates. Before school, in school, afterschool & weekends.

@PalomaPalomaPaloma @OnlytheonceZ These are high school kids. No parent gets involved with their social lives. Ever.
I can suggest it to the kids but it's not malicious. They just hang out in packs of school mates. He is on their group chat and I think they do now include him in gaming sometimes.
I was just wondering if anyone else encountered this with home Ed teens and what they usually do re replicating the peer groups at schools.. for those where that is not the reason they are home Ed

Is there a particular child he connects with, could you encourage that as a friendship to go further. Could you chat with him and offer advice on how to encourage the friendships to develop into hanging out at other times?
It seems very rigid of the children to attend school to only want to hang out with other children from school. They need to encourage children to be more inclusive and open to alsorts of friendship opportunities.

Could you mention to his mum to go on Facebook and find teen meet ups. There are many on our groups 😃
Sounds like his family are already proactive- encouraging social time with coming to your sports club.

https://educationalfreedom.org.uk/find-your-local-group/

I know you say that teen parents don’t get involved but that can be a little different at times for home Ed families

It's odd that you're trying to involve yourself so much in the social life of a child you only see as part of a sports club.

@WonderLife prob 8 hours a week tho

@Gagaandgag Friendships are developing and maybe will more over time. Teens just tend to meet up & walk to school, hang out at school, walk home & hang out after school / walk home / walk to hang out back at mates houses. Ijjj

I home ed my teenage boys and they mostly socialise with other home ed teenagers that they met through home ed groups. They do hang out with a couple of friends they met through sports. There should be some local home ed groups for teens on Facebook or similar

When schooled kids leave primary schools & go off to different high schools they tend to leave those friends behind & make new at their new schools. They do extra curricular clubs in school & make even more new friends. My experience is that teens hang out in packs & peer group is everything to them.
Covid had a massive negative effect on a vast number of teens as a result as they were suddenly cut off from this.
I'm quite shocked that when asking for advice from people who might know about this aspect of home Ed, to help a child, I've been accused of gossiping, interfering etc had such defensive replies.

If he's confident, sociable and gregarious I'd imagine he's got the social skills to invite the other boys over to his house/out somewhere if he wants to see more of them. There's no reason he needs to wait around to be invited.

Maybe you're not reading him quite as well as you think.

Thankyou @lilyfire and @NuffSaidSam
I think hopefully yes he'll in effect hook up with the 2-3 he's seeming to get on best with. Useful to know that teen groups exist. Home Ed isn't that unusual in our area & there is another family I know who are about to home Ed their teens

You observed, "My experience is that teens hang out in packs & peer group is everything to them." In fact, I've been fascinated to notice over my many years of home educating that this isn't really true for kids who don't go to school.

School provides a fixed peer group of kids who are just about exactly the same age. Because schoolchildren spend 30 hours a week in this single environment, it becomes everything to them. Fear of ostracism runs deep, and jockeying for social standing can seem nonstop. Social interactions take place in the spotlight, and heaven help you if you are seen to be talking to the wrong person or saying the wrong thing. This can make it harder to develop deep friendships in which they are true to themselves.

Sure, the teens at local home ed groups sometimes hang out in packs, but it's just as common for them to go off in twos or threes. They are also less likely to stick with kids of the same age and gender, and they aren't too bothered if somebody doesn't conform to social norms. Being unpopular in one setting wouldn't be fatal to their social life, because they go to many different settings with different mixes of people. So they don't have the same craving to fit in or to be queen bees at the expense of others... and for that reason, they are used to being treated well by their peers, which makes them relaxed and friendly.

I think that this stereotypical teen behaviour which you've seen isn't really "natural" to teens. It's a response to being denied opportunities to socialise with people of different ages in different situations. Teens do enjoy the company of other teens, but also they are forced into a subculture of their own by our insistence on segregating them with their age peers, away from adults and away from younger children. It's a school thing.

You may or may not be guessing correctly that this particular boy wants to hang out with the others from his sports group. If he does want that, he's likely to figure it out sooner or later. His parents are probably aware of the situation and may be making suggestions to him. It's kind of you to want to help, but I wouldn't worry too much about it if I were you.

@Saracen Thankyou.
The packs I see are more like 3-5 mates but I get the sentiment. Most have 2-3 different overlapping friendship groups.
There is a degree of 'fitting in' but my experiences across big city high schools is a lot of integration & acceptance of different cultures & kids and a melting pot.
There is a lot of vertical integration at most decent high schools via extra curricular clubs where they meet friends of common interest across the school years eg music bands, chess club, drama productions, art clubs, sport etc and the teachers have a more informal role.
Certainly the case in our city

@Saracen most high schools also mix the kids up for a high % of lessons so they end up knowing vast numbers of kids but then bond with the ones they actually get on with: who prob share common interests. Albeit within a year group yes mainly.
I going off what the child has said directly to me and I've worked with kids for years so I'm sure I'm reading whats he's saying to me.
Anyway I'm just going to use the info I've gathered and keep an eye out for him.