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Social anxiety and home ed Y7

2 replies

BlooDeBloop · 06/01/2023 15:31

I would appreciate some input to a discussion going on in our household. 11yo DS y7 is not exactly excelling at school (possible dyspraxia may be an issue?). He finds school stressful. At 3 hours a day on the bus plus 6 in school plus 1 hour a day homework that is 50 hours a week, more than most adults 🙃. No wonder he's stressed. But this is compounded by what I would describe as functional social anxiety (rather than crippling). He copes by going to the library outside class time and not speaking to any student he doesn't know. He hates the other kids other than one or two friends from primary. He dislikes nearly all the teachers. He finds most classes unstimulating. He finds a few too challenging (PE, art, DT) and is close to tears leaving home those days.

On balance I wonder if school is doing him more harm than good. But would HE be better? I've seen friends and acquaintances HE so right know what to expect. I'm a secondary qualified teacher myself so the challenge of facilitating HE does not worry me unduly. But DS, who is very reserved and doesn't speak to people he doesn't know, would be at home all the time. Wouldn't that make him worse in the long run? I see there are plenty of group activities in the nearby town but it won't be the same for him as a long term trusting friendship.

Has anyone else HEed a socially anxious teen/ preteen and how did that go?

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rakc · 07/01/2023 23:14

My DD was in a similar place last year, except she did like the teachers. She had no friends, hated everybody and just kept her head down, no eye contact. She may well have made secondary work if she hadn't caught covid and chronic fatigue on the back of it. But I can see now that that constant strain and struggle to survive (socially) put her in the position of such exhaustion that made her susceptible to chronic fatigue. I took her out of school in January and she refused to join any home ed groups - hated everybody, didn't want to meet anybody, resisted any learning. We basically unschooled all of last year until October when suddenly she agreed to try a home Ed group. A couple of weeks later she made a friend - a lovely, really good friend who promises to provide a much more meaningful and long lasting relationship than anyone she might have been forced together with, in a stressed-out state at school.
In answer to your question: forcing her to stick at school would have brought no guarantee of making friends, and the 'socialisation' was having a noticeably negative impact on her mental health. There is an astronomical cost the school system takes from our vulnerable children - not all kids are made for it. However, given time to heal and regain some confidence she is now in a better place and able to socialise on her own terms. Yes, she spent many months isolated on the way to where she is now, but the overall effect is beyond my hopes. I've heard similar stories from the Home Ed mums I am finally meeting.

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BlooDeBloop · 08/01/2023 10:04

Rakc I totally get where you're coming from. All that time at school simply just being there must be exhausting without chronic fatigue on top. I can see it was completely appropriate for you to pull out your DD. I'm pleased to hear she eventually felt strong enough to reach out and make a new friend. You only need one. It does give me encouragement to keep HE on the cards. Thank you.

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