Anxiety related to school

[LikedAlpaca]

My DS has always struggled with education but he always got through the door of school and tried his best. In March this year, he came home from being out on his bike with some of his friends and was really ill, it is still happening now and the last few months have seen his attendance record drop considerably. During this period he also has been suffering from bad anxiety attacks and sleeping more.

I have been exhausted by it all and at my wit's end. The school has not been particularly helpful but have accepted his absences as authorised. This week he has so far not been to school although was going to try and get in there tomorrow, however, he is now starting to hyper ventilate and shake.

It is the most frustrating situation and I am tired so my patience is running out. When he goes to school he ends up getting detentions so there is nothing particularly positive about school at the moment.

Really feeling rubbish about it all! Anyone else's child start having issues in March? Thanks

I have 3 DC, my middle child, boy 15 had always had trouble going to school. In primary he used to hide under his bed screaming and would sit o the floor in playground refusing to go in. I had him assessed for autism. He had a teacher for 2 years, she was convinced he was on the spectrum after showing many and multiple traits and behaviours. Camhs took a while and by the time they visited school he had another class with teachers on job share who had only had the class for a few weeks. DC is the master at masking but always in trouble for 1 thing or another. The teachers told camhs they didn't believe anything was wrong.

Secondary school got worse. In trouble alot but for minor things, getting into fights and generally grouped 'with the troubled and naughty kids'

The end of year 8 he was refusing school daily and it was such a challenge, he was so highly strung and wound up he was having meltdowns and said how much he hated school. We decided that we would try home schooling. It was going ok and his stress levels dropped and his behaviour improved, he was like a different child.

With him being homeschooled we asked for a camhs referal again, explained that in a different area he had been assessed. They got all the paperwork, said ados hadn't been carried out correctly or scored correctly and did all the tests from scratch, he got a diagnosis of asd.

He decided he wanted to try school again in year 10 to get gcses. He went back last September, we thought it would be different actually having a diagnosis, it wasn't. He started school refusing again after a few short weeks and fell in with some kids that were drinking and smoking weed. He felt trapped in the friendship group but said he couldn't just ditch them as it would cause problems. He got jumped in school and school tried to blame my child when several witnesses said he was attacked from Behind, he was just the naughty kid with asd.

By January he was out of school again and back to home schooling. Again he is like a different child. Some children just cant cope with the restrictions school put on them and are a square peg in a round hole. Every day they were setting him up to fail as he couldn't cope with all the hustle of school and the different friendships and groups. I think he was taken advantage off and he couldn't see it until he stepped back.

I now have a happy child he can hold intelligent conversations and is happy to learn in his own.way with less pressure.

Schools often put lots of pressure on children, some thrive in situations like that and many don't.

You didn't say how old your child is? Has he had a fall out with anyone, is he under pressure for exams or tests. Will he talk to you about anything that is making his so anxious?
I really hope you can get to the bottom of his feelings, is he ok out of school? In the holidays etc?

Omg that was soooo long, sorry 😞

You say your son's experience of school is not particularly positive, so I don't see that you have anything to lose by trying home education. It might turn out that his anxiety is mainly caused by the pressure of the school environment, in which case removing that pressure will fix everything in a straightforward way.

Or it might turn out there are more complex reasons for his anxiety, in which case he'll still has some challenges even being out of school. Even so, by taking school out of the equation and reducing the pressure on him, he'll feel less overwhelmed and be somewhat better. You may be able to adapt his environment so as to minimise problems. For example, if your son hates crowds, you can ensure that most of his time is spent in less crowded places and then you'll both have the time and energy to help him find strategies to cope on the rare occasions when he does have to be in crowded places.

Sometimes it's only AFTER removing a child from school that you can see which aspects of school were problematic for him. At this moment he may not even know what the problems are, but once those problems are gone, he may look back on it and understand: too much noise, too much sitting still, too many kids, or too much academic pressure, for example. Having had a break from school and understood what aspects of school were issues, you can either continue with home ed in the long term or maybe try a return to school if those issues can be addressed.

If DS is of compulsory school age and cannot attend the LA have a statutory duty to provide alternative education under s.19 of the Education Act 1996. The form this takes varies depending on individual needs but can be online, home tuition, hospital school, at a centre. This should begin when it becomes clear the pupil will miss 15 days, the days don’t need to be consecutive and they don’t need to have already been missed.

As well as the above applying for an EHCNA can help. An EHCP can give access to provision and therapies not otherwise typically available at all or as frequently. It can also provide an EOTAS package if DS cannot attend school - this is a package of provision that is provided outside of a school setting including at home if that is what DS needs.


Obviously if you want to EHE that’s your choice, but I wanted to post incase you weren’t aware of the above.

Absolutely been where you are several times with all of mine. Define Fine is a national organisation founded by myself and another parent (& ex teacher) who have lived experience of school attendance barriers. You are welcome to join the support group and access our free guide www.facebook.com/groups/773420163493553/

This sounds like us, thank you so much, so reassuring that it is not just me. He is at the tail end of Year 8, he is with kids who are far more switched on and streetwise, they got a kick out of showing him pornhub which is pretty much when it started, this was reported to the school. It's been awful, despite not being in last week I have had four notifications of detentions, hardly inspiring him to return. That said he is seeing the Doctor tomorrow, so fingers crossed, he said teachers are quite blunt with him and he can tell they don't really want him there. He's not a bad kid, very sensitive and in with the wrong crowd, which I embraced so that I didn't turn him against me, but they then succeeded in turning him against me, which I then had to deal with. It's been an absolute nightmare, I have been packing that bag for school every day and he has just been saying he feels sick, he is sick at the weekend as well so it isn't just on school days.

With regards to the detentions, he feels that to fit in with the crowd he is hanging around with he shouldn't do his homework only he gets the detentions and they get off scot-free. I'm a very peaceful person so I feel that the school will rather pick on him than on a child with parents who will kick-off, hence all the detentions. I just wish I could return him to that day in March, he went out and mentally and physically he never returned :( home schooling may be the way to go. He has been at home for a week and a half and is better in himself, even said that if he had not met one of them he wouldn't have had to grow up so quick. So sad but thank you again!

Thank you, and I will join definitely, I didn't realise how awful it is when you have nowhere to turn!

Thank you so much, I will look into this, he has now had well over fifteen days off, first for feeling ill, got him back and he continually got detentions so was ill again!

I forgot to mention he turned 13 at the beginning of the year!

It is so hard and school is such a cruel place for some kids. I found that they were not helpful with my ds at all, when I had meetings they said all the right things and promised the world and delivered nothing. Well except more detentions and more phonecalls home. One teacher was even phoning at 8pm regularly. It was like they didn't have a clue with how to deal with a child that they can not force into the regime that they desire.
I know teachers have many children to look out for and have alot of pressure in their jobs but it was like for us, they were just watching him make bad decision after bad decision and not helping him make the right choices. When they latch onto undesirable kids its hard for them to break away.

I hope you find a solution that works for you ds and your family.