Please talk to me about the downsides of HE

[StolenAwayOn55thand3rd]

Hello, DH and I are talking about HE for DS. He should have started school this year (he's 5, we're in Scotland) but he is still attending forest kindergarten where he can stay until the summer after his 7th birthday.
Long story short, our older DD is thriving at school but all the same there are elements of it which make me feel quite sad and, DS being a very different child, it really doesn't feel right for him.
I'm a SAHM and would be very happy to take this on; DH is happy to support me either way.
I find that when I speak to home edders in person I only hear the good, possibly because it's a decision that is open to public criticism? So I suppose I'd like to hear any downsides, other of course than the work involved (yes, my life would be much easier in a sense if we just sent him to school next year!), particularly if you have experience of a child transitioning from HE to school. Thank you. (And do feel free to balance the downsides with the upsides :) )

Hi,
I home educate my two children age 6 & 4. They have been home educated from the start, so I can't speak about transition to school. I can only really tell you the downsides for us.

So I love home educating and I love spending time with my children, but honestly, the biggest problem I find is not being able to get much time for myself. I am with them all day long, and currently (I think due to some anxiety around covid and the return to groups) have at least one of them in my bed each night. I am hoping that will ease as they get older.

It can be really expensive, especially if you want to go to groups and outings. It can be done cheaply, but costs can spiral easily if you aren't careful.

I found, over the last year, it was quite difficult to socialise. We saw school children going back to school, but guidance wasn't always clear about home education and groups. My two weren't really old enough to socialise with friends via zoom, so it was really just them for most of last year and the beginning of this. On the plus side, it did mean we were able to start socialising again at our own pace, which was slow due to shielding family members, and now go to several meets a week, all of which are currently outdoors.

We live in a city, so this isn't really a problem for us, but I have heard more rurally, finding groups can be tricky to get to, especially if you don't drive. Even in our city, which has great public transport, we find ourselves limited by not driving.

It can be quite stressful, for the parent, because you are taking full responsibility for your child's education. There can be a lot of information on the internet about different styles of education and a lot of resources available to buy. I find it can take up a lot of my time. We are pretty secure in our home ed style and yet, I still find myself wondering if my children are missing out by not doing this amazing thing I just saw on Instagram/Pinterest/Facebook/etc.

Lastly, I find keeping on top of housework really difficult. We're out all day at least 4-5 days a week, which should really mean there's not much to clean for the other 2 days, but it doesn't really work like that

So, this turned into an essay I'm worried I made it sound really negative, but honestly, I am so glad we home educate. I could write a post at least double this length with all the positives for my family. Ultimately though, this is a decision for your family. Home Ed isn't the right choice for everyone and you know your DS best.

If you are on Facebook, the Home Education UK group is excellent. It would also be useful to join your local group, if possible. It's really important to know the law and how your LA is. Some overstep their remit quite a bit. The law is different in Scotland to England, so just be aware of that.

Thank you so much for your lengthy response and yes I completely understand that I asked for the negatives and I’m sure that the positives far outweigh or you wouldn’t do it!

I think the full responsibility bit is the bit that really scares me. I feel torn (already) between trusting that DS will learn things at his own pace (obviously if he’d gone to school this year he’d be learning phonics etc) and worrying that he won’t.

I found it really interesting that you said you’re out most of the time - I would very much want to do the same as a large part of wanting to homeschool is the limited outdoor time at mainstream school - can I ask if you are following any sort of curriculum or taking more of an unschooling approach or your own curriculum, and how you manage that? Thank you and sorry if it’s a bit of a massive question!

I've home educated all three of mine from the beginning (they're now 5, 7 and 9) so like cloudengel I can't speak re transitioning from school to HE. We're also in Scotland.

My biggest struggle is also getting time to myself. Obviously this is a bit harder with 3 than 1! The other difficulty can be balancing different needs, but if your DD is at school while DS is at home this won't be as tricky, I imagine.

We're not out and about as much as you want to be, but if you're near a thriving HE group (and there are many in Scotland) then you'll have no trouble filling your days. The difficulty might be in working out what you want to do when there are so many options, and yes, it can be expensive!

Another issue is that we're often left behind. So over lockdown, for example, the government issued good guidance for schools and extra curricular groups, but it took a long time to convince them that HE groups needed tailored guidance.

Done it from the start. Youngest is very nearly 16, so end is in sight.
Hardest thing for me has been dealing with other home educators. There is definitely a very eclectic, diverse nature to home ed, although certain groups might get a certain 'type'.
You can't just drop at the school gate and go when HEing. You need to make the effort and for me that doesn't come naturally. find socialising mentally tiring. I'll add though that I am drawing to the end of home ed and as hard and tiring as I found those days of groups etc at times, I really miss it now.
We had many, many fabulous times with great people. I have a number of friends who I've known 10 plus years and it's gone beyond the kids who are moving on into post HE next stage of life support.
The wobbles. It can feel a huge responsibility at times and it's easy to get weighed down and slip into the dreaded tendency to compare sometimes. We are our own worst critics though
I sacrificed any career to do it. I could go back and build up now but 20years out of mainstream work knocks confidence. Plus getting teenagers through exams in a pandemic has left me with need to nap for a year when DS2 moves on.
Balancing needs when 2 or more kids

Mine have never been to school.

Biggest downside is money as I haven't been earning for ~15 yrs & my career is utterly trashed (couples who both work part time & both HE the kids part time seem to have the very best set up - sadly couldn't work for us)

The huge responsibility of being solely responsible for your child's education- Buck stops here. As my friend remarked last week "if they're average it will be seen as a failure of HE"

As eloquently described by its above; needing to socialise yourself in order to facilitate them socially is HARD for me.

I love it though & it has been absolutely the best choice for our family.

And yes the house it utterly trashed, always heaving with piles of books, games & "art/inventions" - I keep thinking it will get better as they get older but I'm still waiting!

And yes the house it utterly trashed, always heaving with piles of books, games & "art/inventions" - I keep thinking it will get better as they get older but I'm still waiting!
Oh no, don't say that! I'm dreaming of the day when I'm not knee-deep in tiny bits of paper and things pulled from the recycling to be boats/rockets/houses!

Haha sorry grouchykiwi!
Although it could be genetics as my crafting mess is there too

If you are in Scotland, and HE all the way up to exam stage, you might have some issues there. I think Scottish qualifications (Nat 5's?) can only be taken inside school and while GCSEs are an option, exam centres in Scotland are few and far between. That's a long way off though.

With home education, there's more accountability than with school. I don't mean the Local Authority; they have much less power than they seem to think.

I mean that if your decision to home educate doesn't work out, all the world and his dog will blame you for doing something different and getting it wrong. On the other hand, assuming you have a real choice whether to HE or school, then if you send your child to school and that turns out to be the wrong choice, nobody will blame you for not trying home education. They will say the school, or the school system, let your kid down, not that you did. Only your conscience would tell you that you bear the blame for leaving your child in the wrong setting when it clearly wasn't working out.

It's fairly bizarre, if you think about it. So many people warn you to think long and hard about the risks and drawbacks of home education. But does anyone EVER say to the parent of a young child, "You know, school is a big undertaking. Are you sure you want to do this?" And yet neither decision is inherently more risky than the other. Either could be the wrong choice. But if you make the choice everyone else is making, you have a Get Out of Jail Free card.

If your kids went to the local school and made friends there, they'd have friends up the road. If you home ed and travel around to home ed meets, their friends will be scattered around and you have to ferry them around. And don't even get me started on the consequences of those happy home ed camps where your kids run wild and make friends for life with children WHO LIVE HUNDREDS OF MILES AWAY. And then beg you to take them to see their "best friend" on the other side of the country.

I did jokingly forbid my eldest from associating with anyone outside our county. Once when they brought a new pal back to our tent, I chatted with the child and established that she lived very close to us. "I like her!!!" I declared. "I like her very much. She is a suitable friend for you. You have my permission to bond."

I had freakish good luck with my younger child, whose (home educated) best friend lives round the corner from us. It's fabulous that they can be in and out of each other's houses whenever they like. That is rare.

About the messy house: yes, my house is definitely more "lived in" than if my kids had gone to school. Things wear out and need maintenance when you use them: carpets and sofas, toilets and fridge doors and computers. But I'll always remember complimenting my lovely relative on how perfectly kept her house was, and her rueful response: "Well, it's easy to keep it looking good. We're never here. I don't know why we bothered buying such a nice house. We're hardly ever at home to enjoy it." She seemed so sad.

On the plus side, you can reasonably expect older home educated kids to do a substantial amount of housework, and undertake a wider range of jobs than if they were at school. They have far far more free time than their school educated peers. Both my kids played and did hobbies for the vast majority of their time, so why shouldn't they pull their weight? I sometimes put it to them that while I'd love to take them swimming with their friends this afternoon, there was more work at home than I could get through by myself this morning, and they came up with the obvious plan And with them around much of the time, you have more opportunity to teach them how to do things. You can get them to cook the family meal several times a week, do the supermarket shop, paint the fence, shop online for house insurance.

It doesn't mean the house is ever tidy, but at least you don't have to be the skivvy forever.

I don’t HE (only one child who is a toddler) and I don’t plan to, but I find the whole idea quite fascinating. Can I ask what made you decide to HE?

I’ve been chasing around trying to get flu vaccination - they do catch up clinics for school kids that missed the school round - and so home Edders at the same time in my county. Mine are not at gcse stage - but I imagine organising exams would be hard. Socializing has been hard with the pandemic.

Thank you all for these very helpful and thoughtfu responses.

Saracen, what you say about accountability rings very true. I know I would find this hard. (I already judge myself very harshly about my mothering.) Until recently my default position has been “let’s try school and if it doesn’t work out we can HE.” It’s only lately that I am starting to make the mental shift towards HE as a first choice.

@StolenAwayOn55thand3rd

Hi, I’m home Ed my three dc, two of whom were deregistered from school.

For me the downsides are the lack of time to myself (although we do have wonderful grandparents who have the children a regular afternoon a week ❤️) , the weight of the responsibility (although I’m learning to trust in my children on this one) and the messy house!

It’s not the easy option in life that’s for sure but it’s full of joy and reward. The upsides for me are the freedom, the groups we attend, the like-minded people we meet, being outdoors so much and seeing my children free from a life of sitting at a desk and being drilled to pass tests that are solely for the purpose of measuring the success of the school.

Good luck op. Follow your instincts.

I second untidy house.. I have learnt to have a few days every few months to declutter massively, organising every space and giving the kids jobs to undertake.

Not much time for me.. but we have at least one forest social meet up a week and we take camping cooking gear and the kids just come back and forth for snacks and I get a chat with my friends. So that's my chill day.
Expense wise (we live rural) is fuel
We have a massive variety of groups, meets, forest school, beach school, I could go on and on..

I have so many more benefits my kids are thriving and happy and finding their way to their passions.

I chose to home Ed because the school system is failing.. they don't recognise children just their punctuality ), exam results and take away their personality.

I have lost my career but gained Happy children who have a mum who is present in their life to help them find their own way.

I am actually learning new skills with the kids and adding strings to my bow as I go 😊