Friends - how many is (not) enough?

[letsleepingbabieslie]

This isn't necessarily just a Home Ed topic, but posting here because we're about to start home ed-ing and I'm afraid this could make it worse.
Basically I have a totally neuro-typical 8 year old, but he's a bit of a loner. He has/had a couple of good friends at school but one has now moved to another country and the other has become severely ill and can't come to play or socialise for quite a while.
I know there are (normally, not during covid) loads of activities for home educating families, plus all the regular extra-curricular activities. But I wonder, are kids able to 'make friends' during these guided and structured activities? (vs, e.g. during playtime at school when they can just chat and get to know each other).
My parents have made me paranoid this weekend, predicting a future for DS of total isolation, social ostracisation, basically dying alone surrounded by star wars toys and never having a girl/boyfriend. I think that's a bit extreme but I do worry that he doesn't pro-actively seek out friends and maybe I'm going to make this worse!
FWIW, I'm 100% behind homeschooling in principle - I just need reassurance on this specific point!

I think it really depends on what your dc actually wants.

Among my home edding friends, some have dc with large friendship groups, others with just a few.

My 2 have always had more distant relationships with other children, despite plenty of access, because they are very very close to each other.

Some of the ‘activities’ we took them to were just getting a large group together and hanging out, or were followed by picnic and playing in the park, etc.

In normal times home ed activities can be anything from structured classes to a meet at park or woods that's entirely social. Even at the most structured groups there's often a social element as parents don't just drop and leave.
Some people need/want people around more than others. My eldest went to school by choice about 11 because he wanted what school offered socially.
My youngest (nearly 15) never been to school. He is not a socialiser, he's learned to do it and mixes happily has loads of people he's friendly with. He's nearly always had a couple of close friends though, these have changed over the years as he's grown up, drifted away from some and closer to others. Home ed communities are quite dynamic, people constantly arriving and drifting away. He's forever meeting new people, but at the same time mixing with people he's known for 7, even 12 years away.
Some children need 'friends' my youngest doesn't, he's happy in his own world and has to be pushed/reminded to socialise. He enjoys it when he does but needs lots of downtime too as he finds being with others tiring (it's hereditary). He's never sought friends but always found them. Most have grown from a shared interest (particularly now) e.g. attend a structured class, developed in to an informal gathering after to discuss, ended up being same few keen kids who gelled and the informal gathering soon ended up Being followed with an even less formal gathering as they head off to do what it is teens do.

Thanks for your thoughts. I guess maybe I was a more sociable child than I realised so to me his slight reclusiveness is weird. He does play well with other kids when he’s out into that kind of context, just never seeks people out. And his birthday parties tend to have four guests maximum, which I find depressing!

I don’t think you should find that depressing.
All children are different and some are happy with less friends.
I think as long as you provide him with opportunities to meet other children he’ll find his own balance.

@letsleepingbabieslie My DD was like this. Primary was so lonely for her before we took her out to HE. Now she's joined secondary and it is a whole different story. She didn't make close friends in HE as we mainly saw people at groups, so once a week for each group, but she has settled into secondary with no problems and has a great friendship group and has the close friendships that she wanted. Nothing has to last forever if it isn't working. Your son may naturally become more social as he gets older and making the opportunities for him to meet up with other kids will help in the meantime.

I think there’s no doubt that it can be a bit more difficult forming close friendships in home Ed circles. My ds was home Ed from age 8-11. He already had a good friend who was home Ed and went to a mutual once/twice monthly group but he didn’t really make any other close friends - the groups he went to weren’t frequent enough or they were hour long classes with little time for socialising or they were ad-hoc events. Plus home Ed families aren’t as good at committing to attending every time.

However, 1. Now ds is in school I can see he’s more of an introvert (like me) and he still happily spends most of his socialising time outside school with that same friend. He has one good school friend he sees outside of school but otherwise, his friendships are mainly confined to school - and online.

As an aside - boys do a lot of socialising online via Xbox/PS4 so that’s another way to meet people.

Point 2 - my observation is that friendships build when families get together regularly. So if you’re sociable and will have the time to meet up with new friends and their children, that will help.

Just came across this post as was looking at something else. I am not in the home -ed community but thought I would offer what I have found with my 3. Dd, older teenager now has always loved having a close best friend and finds meeting new people difficult, always has. Has a close few friends which has always worked for her.
Ds1 teenager, makes friends wherever he goes, a few friends he would call close but last birthday only 4 or 5 he wanted to invite, his choice. But never alone anywhere just has a natural easiness with meeting new people.
Ds1 young teenager, few close friends but not many at all he would want to do things with if asked. Very shy and not keen on meeting new people.

All have been in school and different extra-c clubs so had lots of friendship making opportunities. Just wanted to say that they are so different. Some children need lots of friends others prefer just a few which I feel is fine.