Dd desperately unhappy at school and often school refusing

[ditavonteesed]

She is 13, y8. I have offered to move her to another school but she says it will have the same problems. I am at the end of my tether and I don't know what to do. Dh and I both work full time so home schooling is not an option that I see it and we don't have enough money for online school. Do you know what options there aren't? School are not very helpful and I, fed up of the morning judges phone call to school when I, in the middle of trying to do important things at work. She has had mental health problems over the last year and I also worry massively that she will completely isolate herself if she doesn't attend school.

Any ideas? The whole situation is making everyone in this family's life miserable.

If she is certain the problems will be the same at another school then the problem is with her, not the school. She must be struggling with some aspect of herself at a very deep and worrying level.
You need to prioritise this before it escalates. Take a couple of days off work as soon as you can and let her take those two days off school. Take her out for a long walk and a chat. Find out what her core concerns are that she's reacting to so badly.
Is she being bullied? By whom? Classmates? teachers/ People in other years? A single person or a group?
If s, what about? her looks? Hygiene? Personality? Status academically, socially or with skills she excels at or falls behind in?
Is she struggling with school work? Is it a specific subject or type of subject? Might it be physical issues - struggling eyesight?
Is it sensory overload? Or processing problems? Is she presenting with any symptoms of ADHD or ASD?
Is she certain another school may not be more suitable? Maybe a smaller one or a single sex? (Or mixed if she's not co-ed).

You sound irritated and as though she's interrupting your busy day. That attitude won't help. You need to show her she is your number one priority until this is dealt with That doesn't mean she has to do nothing and the onus is all on you- she may need to toughen up or get organised and catch up with work, or learn some social skills or look at some other schools and pick one etc. But I'd take it seriously if she is school-refusing.

I'm not irritated, I'm desperate, this has just been going on for nearly a year now, she won't engage with cahms she won't engage with the school councillor. She won't do anything to help herself (exercise, healthy eating) we have tried everything, I have been at school more than she has this year. She is definitely not being bullied, this was the first thing we thought of, she just says that she hates all aspects of school. She is academically bright but has always struggled with social situations, her older sister is asd and I am wondering if this may be worth exploring. I work shifts so am often home with her in the week and when I'm not she goes to my mums. My mum joined her in the gym which she loved for a fe weeks but then wouldn't go again. She started skateboarding and went for months, we spent every evening there and she was loads better but then she just decided she didn't want to go again and that was the end of that. She did gymnastics for years and was amazing at it but she gets frustrated when she isn't perfect at things. (Not from us me and dh just want her to have fun). She attended a course for girls self esteem with a local charity which she loved but that finished a few weeks ago and she is back to square one. We have had so many meetings at school and she just can't say what it is that she hates about school. All she wants is me to pull her out of school. The whole situation is just heartbreaking.

Hi,
I totally feel your pain. My son is 14. Hasn't been to school since April 10th and during that time have arranged a manager move to another school. He attended for 1 day and just won't go. I have literally done everything I can with no help from anyone. Both schools don't seem bothered and I feel that if I didn't chase them that he'd fall through a gap and no one would care. I've referred him to children's services for help, taken him to the gp but unless he is killing himself or self harming they won't even refer him anywhere. I've paid twice for private counselling and have asked the school about educational psychologists but they aren't interested and say it's not an option. Please don't feel alone with this. It's horrendous. I work full time and am on my own with two kids. My daughter hates me because of her brother so it's doubly hard. I've looked into home Ed and even though myself and his dad both work full time it's looking like a very big possibility because I don't know what else to do. I am speaking with someone about it on Friday so will make a decision then. I think between myself, his dad and grandparents we could probably put together and manage a timetable for him. I hope my situation helps you. Please stay in touch. If I can help I will

Sorry your going through it. The gp wasn't a lot of help and we went through mast but said she didn't meet criteria despite regular self harm. We ended up going through children's a&e to get cahms. She is back on the waiting list to look at the possibility of medication for her anxiety. I worry that moving to another school would mean she had no one. And while this situation is not sustainable I would worry that she would completely isolate herself. I have asked the school if there are any other options but they just said no and when I so am to the attendance officer all they say is you have to make her come in which i am not physically able to do. She had loads of blood tests recently to see if ther is any physical reason but all clear.

What does your dd want? Does she want anything to change? If so, what? What does she think might help?

Do you know where she is in the camhs waiting list? If not then it might be worth ringing up to find out.

Can you afford private mental health support?

All she will say she wants is to drop out if school, and how awful we are for not letting her.

Hospital education

OK. If her mental health issues make attending school impossible, then the local authority might consider alternative provision, be that specialist school-refuser provision, a home tutor, or something else. BUT she'll have to talk to CAMHS in order to get that.

So her choices are:

1. go to school or
2. talk to CAMHS and maybe get to avoid going to school

Which is her least hated option?

(what are her reservations about talking to CAMHS? It might be she has some mistaken ideas about what is involved and could be reassured)

I think she is just so painfully shy and she tells me that no one can help her so there is no point talking to anyone. The school councillor said she was the hardest kid she had ever worked with cause she will not talk. And I'm sure they think I'm an overbearing parent cause I end up doing the talking for her. She will go back to cahms and I might have to bribe her to talk to them (she is open to bribery of the right sort) but she went Ishtar back to the bottom of the list and it's 18 weeks for first meeting.

What is it that makes her think she's beyond help?

Also - there is a major point in talking to someone if it means she might not have to keep going to school...

She needs to talk to CAMHS. If her anxiety is deemed to be too bad for her to attend school then the LEA will have to help find alternative provision for her... there are some schools which offer flexi schooling, or maybe tutors or even a Steiner alternative school or something. But nothing is going to be done until you get her to actually talk to some professionals about it.

Its good to know that cahms is the right route for help so I can tell her that, the only thing they offered her in the first instance was cbt and she managed to convince the therapist it had worked answer the questions right and looked like she was improving on paper but at home was no different and was in fact worse afterwards.

I’ve 2 with autism.its different in girls.
Look up
Samantha Croft ..autism in girls .

Withdrew my son from school after he refused to go back. Turns out he was being badly bullied and had been putting up with it for nearly two years. He's very proud and refused to say anything, mainly because he didn't think the school staff could solve it. Tried to resolve it with the school but finally took him out after he told me the main bully pulled a plastic bag over his head from behind and the only way he got out was to rip a hole in the front. Tried to enroll him at another school but most are now Academies and don't accept children in year 10 or 11. So we've been home educating since February. We have tutors come to the house, not cheap. It has led to other issues though, he is now really isolated. I've finally managed to get a CAHMS referral, appointment this week. And he had some counselling before but said it was of no help. About a month ago actually asked me to get him some counselling and this time I really shopped around and did telephone interviews to ensure he would have a rapport with them. He's had two sessions and will at least talk to her, so that's something. There's one he went to where he would barely say a word. It's really hard with teenagers as they can be so closed and he certainly won't talk to me. I found out the other day you can self-refer to CAMHS on their behalf, you don't need the GP to do it.

Have you seen a doctor ? My dd is very bright but gets anxious if she doesn't get the best marks .. she had an anxiety attack about a year ago and we told her straight to ooh doctors ( she was unable to breath properly and at the time didn't know why) .. they prescribed her propranolol which has helped immensely .. I don't want my 15 year old on medication but if needs must .. can you ask your doctor ?

If you suspect Asd, speak to your GP & the senco at school about an assessment. Your local education authority will have an Autism team, they can support you & your daughter, attend meetings at school as an advocate & help you look at alternatives to school if need be, they will also attend attendance meetings if you get called for one with you. You need to push for all these things because sooner or later you will be referred to the educational welfare officer with a view to prosecution for non attendance.

@ditavonteesed
This is situation I am currently in, dd2 is not happy at school. She's doing well academically but just hates it. She is not being bullied and has friends but feels invisible and lost. I'm looking at other schools but she also feels going would make no difference but staying seems of no value either. I am stuck and unsure what to do next.

I have considered home schooling but am concerned about how I would organise the social side for her.

The only thing I can suggest is trying to get her to consider her future and what career she might like to go into, then focus on what she needs to get there. I realise this has probably been done already by you or the school but somehow she needs to take ownership of her own life and her own choices and decisions.