Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Home ed

Find advice from other parents on our Homeschool forum. You may also find our round up of the best online learning resources useful.

Original poster

Considering home ed with stressed ds

27 replies

Stephthegreat · 10/09/2018 13:10

My ds started primary school 2 weeks ago,it’s a lovely school but he had to go full time from the off because they don’t do half days.Since he started school he has been extremely anxious and behaviour terrible.He kicks and screams on the way in and all weekend was asking if he had to go back and crying over it.

It’s early days but I’m not concerned how stressed he isn’t and am considering home educating.Im worried about how to deregister him though because I imagine the school will be hostile to it,my family are also dead against it.Ds is intelligent and sensitive so I do think he’d do well home ed,I just would like advice from people on the process of going home ed and how I can prove that my ds is getting an education if I’m asked to prove it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stephthegreat · 10/09/2018 13:10

*now concerned
Sorry for the typo!

OP posts:
Fireworks91 · 10/09/2018 13:13

My daughter started reception aged 4 and 2 weeks and we withdrew her by yr 1. She was nowhere near ready emotionally to be away from the family. Aged 8 she has just asked to go back to school and has re-entered year 4 with no issues so far. So no decision is forever!

My 6 year old hasn't been to school and probably won't until a similar age.

You don't need anyone's permission to HE provided there are no Sen and he is in mainstream school. There are a lot of templates online with the official wording, but you can in effect just send in a letter in place of your child one day and job done.

As he is known to the LA they will probably write

Fireworks91 · 10/09/2018 13:16

Write to confirm. Each LA is different, some try to find overstep their boundaries more than others. Where we are is very good, we agreed to a visit shortly after she came out and were contacted about 18 months after to which I just replied by email. Unless they have cause for concern that he isn't receiving an education suitable for his age and ability they have no rights to anything.

Have you joined any Facebook groups etc? There are some big national ones as well as more local ones.

Original poster
Stephthegreat · 10/09/2018 13:20

Thanks Fireworks.I cried my eyes out after dropping him off this morning.The school won’t even let me go in to settle him down and he’s so anxious all the time.Im told he’s fine at school but I’m finding it hard to believe because he’s anxious at home all the time asking if he has to go back.

I’m worried that the LEA will give me a hard time.The school is undersubscribed and they might be obstructive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stephthegreat · 10/09/2018 13:22

I will have a look at the Facebook groups, I am just an emotional mess since ds has been so anxious. He was such a happy child before all this. They said it’s just separation anxiety but it’s a major thing to us.

OP posts:
NastyCats · 10/09/2018 13:26

They are not allowed to be obstructive. You are legally allowed to withdraw your child from the school as long as you ensure he receives education 'otherwise' from school. The head will probably invite you to a meeting to discuss your decision (and probably to try to talk you out of it) and I think it is good to do this as it helps the school understand the reasons for your actions and may help them address potential issues in the future such as going straight into full days.

It is worth making sure that should you change your mind or your son wants to go to school in the future you have a plan for getting him back into a school. As the school is under-subscribed this might not be a problem but it's doubly worth ensuring you leave the school on a 'good note' if you may wish him to return in X years time.

I would suggest giving him a bit longer to settle before removing him as the term is very, very early yet. If after that time you are still concerned then remove him and enjoy home education!

MinaPaws · 10/09/2018 13:30

It's so hard to witness this. I'd give him a chance though. Is there any way you can spy on them in the playground to see if he's charging around happily or clinging to the teacher?

Can you ask him why he doesn't like it and what he'd want to do at home instead? Can you then promise he can do some/all of these things when he gets home and at weekends?

DS was like this. What helped was me telling him how much I missed him too when he was at school and how I really got excited when it was about time to collect him. It really surprised me - I got the idea from a book, but him knowing I didn't forget about him during the day totally calmed him.

The trick was to agree with him. So when he clung to me and said, "I want to stay with you mummy,' I said, "I know. I want you to, too. Wouldn't it be fun? We could cuddle and go to the park. Let's do those things together as soon as I pick you up after school. I can't wait!" He stopped crying miraculously and trotted off, after weeks of weeping hysterics. Worth a try.

MrsMozart · 10/09/2018 13:30

Get in touch with Education Otherwise.

Unless the law has changed neither the school nor the LEA can be obstructive.

MinaPaws · 10/09/2018 13:31

Sorry - just realised that sounds like I'm assuming home school isn;t an option. Of course it is. I considered it too. But it's also worth checking whether htis is just a glitch at settling in or whether he is truly unsuited to a school environment.

ALittleBitofVitriol · 10/09/2018 13:32

I just want to encourage you, you know your child best. How can he learn anything when he's so anxious, poor kid.

You prove he's learning by keeping records of what you do, some work samples, and eventually outside testing.

Family pressure is tough, usually they get over it in time if you're confident, do you have anyone supportive around you?

Good luck with your decision. Fyi my kids have never been to school (oldest is now 13yo) and it's been a great decision for our family.

madeoficecream · 10/09/2018 13:35

Id do it if you feel you have the time to. You dont want him developing a phobia of school for when its actually important when hes older and wants to do exams etc... Better to have a calm kid who takes a bit longer to get there than a very anxious one who ends up hating education and turning his back on it.
And it may not even be that home educating him leaves him behind because many home ed kids end up ahead of the ones in school due to the one on one teaching!

So if you can id go for it! I think most places are find with home ed if you plan to follow the curriculum and are happy to provide examples of work.... I think its families who want to do 'unschooling' and similar things who run into trouble with the LEA as they do not want visits or to provide work as that is against the principle of what they are trying to do.

Original poster
Stephthegreat · 10/09/2018 13:50

Thanks everyone,part of the problem is that school don’t take my concern seriously.As my ds had a meltdown before starting school the class teacher just smiled and laughed.I don’t think they understand how stressful it is!

I’m not sure whether I will deregister him yet, I will attempt the speak to the school again.i wanted to speak to the class teacher but she sends the TA instead who is lovely but I feel I need more than just a brief chat with all parents listening.

If he continues being so stressed and anxious I will have no other choice but to deregister him,I’m ok with home ed and would embrace it and help him as much as I could.Id just like to see my funny happy boy again.

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 10/09/2018 13:55

It’s early days yet but I tutor home school
Children so have some experience.
I feel home Ed can be done but it’s tricky and you need to be dedicated.
I also feel children miss out socially, just my view.

Original poster
Stephthegreat · 10/09/2018 13:56

Ds is very good socially but he displays a lot of what I call ‘ocd’ traits which involve things being a certain way or in a certain place.Ive been wondering if this is related to anxiety or whether it’s a mild form of autism. I don’t know anyone else with a dc with autism but it has made me think whether there’s an underlying problem.

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 10/09/2018 13:59

Could be op. Reception must be quite overwhelming in that case.
I would try talking to the Head maybe first to get some strategies in place.
Both mine took a few weeks to settle down.

Fireworks91 · 10/09/2018 14:01

So much depends on where you are. In our area there is a massive home ed community, and we could literally be at groups and meets morning and afternoon every day of the week. It doesn't suit us, but the option is there.

We were confident in our decision as we knew DD was not ok during the day. Other parents reported seeing her in years at various points during the day, and she was anxious and miserable every moment she was out of school.

Over the last couple of years she has blossomed into a confident, self assured, driven little person who has decided she wants to go back.

Allthebubbles · 10/09/2018 14:12

That sounds really tough on you and him, legally you would be allowed to have him do half days/ part time till he's 5 but the school might be obstructive.
I would be inclined to leave it a bit longer though as some children do need more time to settle and then it slots into place.
As a previous poster said empathising with how he's feeling and agreeing can really work- I've done this with my son. Janet Lansbury ( on FB) is really good on ways to help children get through tough emotions without stopping doing things.
Also a visual timetable of school days/ home days/ after school time might help with anxiety.
Hope it gets easier, my little one is about to start and I'm nervous as to how she's going to be.

Kidssendingmenuts · 10/09/2018 14:15

This happened to my little boy but honestly as hard as it is you need to keep trying with him. Talk about all the positives and making friends etc. He will get there, it took my son 4 months before he finally settled. Don't forget it's all new and he isn't with mummy, but it will help him if you look at it positively for him. Please at least try it till the October term.
My daughter has just started and turned 4 in August and she loves it, the complete opposite to what my son was like who is now in year 1 but now he goes in no bother x

Original poster
Stephthegreat · 10/09/2018 14:22

Thanks, I will give it a bit longer, it’s the time out of school where he’s anxious that worries me the most.Its like he can’t enjoy the weekend because he’s worried he has to go back to school in a few days.

OP posts:
OzymandiasFanClub · 10/09/2018 14:49

Did he go to nursery or preschool previously? Has he some experience of being apart from you and how did he manage? Can you talk those experiences through to remind him he has handled these kinds of challenges before?
I'm wondering how you prepared him for school? Both my DCs took time to settle and I remember how stressful and upsetting it is to see your child distressed. Before DS1 started school, I did "Preparation for Separation". I wasn't bothered about learning numbers or phonics. I wanted him to develop independence and resilience so we went to lots of new places, tried lots of new things and he did a movement/ music class where parents dropped them off and left- as well as being dropped off at pre-school 3 mornings.
I think it's a bit too soon to take your DS out of school. I would insist on a formal meeting with school- not just a hurried chat at drop off- to discuss proper strategies to support your son. Sometimes they just have to keep attending- with support in place-for things to become familiar.
But your concerns about other aspects of his behaviour may suggest other reasons for his anxiety.

Yogagirl123 · 10/09/2018 15:00

You have my sympathy OP, my DS really struggled with settling at school. I know how distressing it is leaving your child when they are upset. But please don’t rush into home ed just yet see how things go, my son did settle and he made friends etc.

Slippersandacuppa · 16/09/2018 00:55

I had a meeting with our head last week in response to an email I’d sent her informing her I wished to take my 4 year old out of reception one day a week. He’s not anxious in the slightest but I still feel it’s the best thing. In every induction day it had been drilled into us that reception places were full time, attendance is important and the curriculum moves so fast they’ll miss out if they have too much time on their hands. I’ve had two meetings with her in the past to ask her to consider flexi schooling my increasingly anxious (in tears most days but that’s another story..) six year old daughter and had been told ‘no’. Not even willing to discuss it.

It’s a very professionally run, academic school and the head commands a lot of respect. She told me she was disappointed in me, she did NOT approve and she was worried for his socialisation. I told her it was my right, I feel very strongly about it and he’s still there four days a week! Once she knew I knew my rights, that was that. So once a week, we’ll be having mummy days while I try to figure out how to help DD.

For what it’s worth, I work in children’s mental health. The level of anxiety you’re describing is very sad. He’s living in flight or fight mode, and at such a young age (although I may be mistaken? He is four?). Follow your instincts, particularly seeing as you don’t seem to have much faith in the teaching staff. Good luck.

Slippersandacuppa · 16/09/2018 00:56

That should obviously say, ‘time off’!

Allthebubbles · 18/09/2018 20:26

How's he doing now?

H247x · 01/10/2018 01:09

How is he now? I'm having the same problem with my daughter. I'm seriously considering HE for a year or 2 until she is ready.
I'm honestly worried that she is getting depressed. She is constantly crying, saying that she doesn't like school and doesn't want to go back. Sobbing every morning and night. It's awful.