My 15 year old wants to home ed, but I'm not sure.

[KateThe70]

She's always been very confident and popular. All the way through primary she had loads of friends and everyone wanted to be involved with her. When she went up to high school it was the same, but recently the tides have been changing. She's developing her own alternative style (steampunk, goth type), and she's being alienated because of it. Although she has always been confident, she's never had to force herself to fit in, she just happened to be something that the other kids like, but the past few months she's being telling me how she's increasingly feeling different to them and wants to be able to express herself without feeling like she has to fit into the "norms" that run the school social hierachy.

This week, it's escalated into bullying. My daughter has always been at the centre of all the gossip etc as she is well known in the school, and she's always dealt with it but she's becoming increasingly fed up with it. She's drifting apart from all of her friends and has nobody to stuck up for her or distract her from it.

Now, she's asking to be home educated. I am not againt HE, my sister does it with her children and their lovely, bright children, but I was never interested in it for my DD as school just seemed to work for her. I'm worried it's just part of a phase she's going through, the last thing I want is to pull her out on a whim and have us both regret it later, but she's becoming increasingly unhappy at school and her mental health has taken a huge hit the past week. And now that she's coming to GCSE time I want stability for her. I know there's IGCSE groups in my area in subjects she's interested in, and socialsing comes with that as well, but I just don't know if it's right for her.

She wants to be a "free spirit" and I fear it's going to be a hard thing for both of us to adjust to. I just want her to be happy.

Just to add, her father is dead set against it. He has her Friday and Saturday nights and he's been telling me how he won't send her back to me if I pull her out of school. And his fiancee is a teacher at DD's secondary school so that's going to be fun :/

Have you spoke to the school about the bullying?

SleepingStandingUp, yes. I got the impression that they view bullying as increasingly less significant the older a child gets, essentially they said there's nothing they can do. My DD also didn't want to name names, she doesn't think it matters because she's hoping I'll pull her out regardless.

Is she in Y11?

Normally I wouldn't hesitate to recommend home education for someone in your daughter's situation. Leaving a toxic social environment behind in order to move into a social setting where she can be herself is a very sensible and positive thing to do. Even if her current school problems ARE just a phase, this is clearly a damaging phase.

The only trouble is that her GCSE study isn't easily transferable. She will have to switch to a different syllabus for each exam and do IGCSEs instead. You'd also have to be very quick off the mark to set it all up if she wants to do a significant number of exams at the end of this year. She doesn't have to do that, of course: unlike at school, there is no deadline for sitting exams. She can do them at any age. She could do some or all of them next year.

I understand that it's best to consult her dad in advance about home education. If he has PR then he could take you to court to try to get an order to return her to school. If that happens, you'll need to be able to show that you made a good effort to discuss this with him and that you gave his views serious consideration. (Mind you, if she is in Y11 then I suppose by the time it drags through the courts she will have been out of school for quite some time, and the court may consider that it would now be disruptive to send her back to school? Just speculating.) There are lone parent forums where you can get advice on this.

His idea of simply not sending her back to you seems unlikely to succeed. At her age, she'll be able to make her views known. I doubt he'd manage to keep her against her will and force her to school when she has been living with you and wants to go home to you.

By the way, another avenue you might explore is college. Some colleges have provision for 14-16 year olds which might be suitable for your daughter, so she doesn't necessarily have to wait until Y13. It tends to be vocational, so may or may not appeal to her. However, some kids find the college social environment better than school. That would be more straightforward for you than home education, as well as being free. Also some teens combine home education with college, for example by doing a few subjects at college. This may be possible even if the college doesn't have dedicated 14-16 provision; she could simply join in alongside older learners if there are suitable courses. This would be fully funded if she is accepted onto the course.

Good luck! It must be really hard seeing your daughter so unhappy. I hope you can find a way forward.