Seriously considering HE my year 7 DD

[Eggwhisk]

I have thought about this on and off for the past few years but this morning seeing my daughter so distressed at going to school it has really got me thinking. DD is 11 and in year 7 at a local middle school, for the past 3 years or so she has suffered from anxiety and is currently seeing CAMHS for this.

She has struggled, I'd say since we moved areas 4 years ago and she didn't quite fit into the small village school we moved her too. I hoped that starting afresh last year at middle school would help her, and it seemed to at first, she made new friends and she joined school clubs. Since she went back at the beginning of September though, things have got a lot worse. Her anxiety did seem to be improving over the summer but we have taken some huge steps backwards. The amount of homework that she is getting is unreal and the pressure that she feels she is under is immense. I worry so much that if we continue down this road she will become completely broken It cant be right can it, that we see our children so unhappy and force them onto a school bus at 7:30 am for a day of misery?

Anyway I'm rambling now but I just feel that this situation cannot continue. I will obviously need to discuss it with my husband and her father and see how it will affect our family as a whole. But right now I can only think that it will be a good thing.

Thanks for reading, any advice anyone can give will be most appreciated.

Unhappy children aren't in the best frame of mind for learning. I took my son out of school at age 10 (beginning of Y5) when his autism and adhd weren't being supported. He was a mess, and like you I feared things would only get worse because he was constantly stressed, upset, and increasingly aggressive.

Home ed is wonderful for allowing distressed children the space to calm and regroup. The stress is lifted immediately and you can rebuild them at a pace that fits for them - not for school or anyone else, but for them as individuals. Most people who take their children away from school to HE have only one regret - that they didn't do it sooner. It's a wonderful way to live.

You say you'd like advice. Is there any particular area you want to know about? It's a broad subject.

As a start, you might want to have a look at Ed Yourself which is an excellent source of information on all aspects of HE. Also have a read of the 2007 Guidelines for LAs re Home Education, which will explain the legal bit here

I agree with QueenStreaky...and it is so hard eggwhisk, but advice-wise, as Streaky says, if you have something specific in mind then do shout, there are lots of lovely people here willing to answer questions!

Just do it. I took mine out at age 9 and it took a year for my son to recover really. Wish I'd never sent them in the first place but didn't have the confidence until the point I realised they were destroying my children.

I stopped sending Dd3 to school in June!

She had always hated it and was stressed and anxious, the move up to secondary was beyond her and she wasnt coping at all.

We are really enjoying de schooling and have been to a couple of home ed groups.

There are lots of facebook home ed groups that might appeal to you.

Good luck

Without knowing your child and school it is tricky to give advice, but I wanted to suggest a few things that have supported some students I have taught over the past few years.

I assume the school are aware? Do all her teachers know about her anxiety and triggers, and what is best to support her in class? As a teacher it helps just to know some details like this so we can help students to feel more comfortable in class, just in the same way as we plan to support our SEN students or those who need stretching and challenging.

Could she do half days?

Could she only have to complete homework for core subjects (English, maths, science)

Could she have a time-out card if she is feeling overwhelmed during a lesson, and be allowed to take some time out of the classroom if she needs it?

Is there someone she can go to see at any time during the day if she needs support?

Is there a particular lesson/time of day which is making her more anxious?

As a teacher I would be upset to hear that your daughter is having a horrible time at school and would want to try some strategies to support her.

From experience, homeschooled children who join back into mainstream schools in their teens really struggle socially, to fit in, and have often missed large chunks of education. I know that school is not the best place for all students and you know your daughter best.

I hope that the outcome is positive for you and your daughter

I've home educated both my children when they were miserable and stressed at school. I believe it was the right thing to do in both cases. In fact, it was beneficial for the whole family because it's exhausting dealing with stressed, unhappy children every day.

My older son has Aspergers and was too anxious to go out much, so we spent a lot of time at home, reading and watching documentaries. When I took my younger son out of school, I made sure that I took the opportunity to take him on outings as much as possible, so we've spent the past year visiting art galleries and museums and going for long walks in the countryside. He also had the chance to read more than he'd ever been able to read before, to cook and to do lots of art - all things he missed when he was at school.

Both children are now back at new schools - this time, schools that are right for them. They are genuinely happy and appreciate school more than they ever did before.

If you do take your DD out of school, remember that it is never an irreversible decision. Home education is a way of life for many, but it is a temporary measure for others, or something to be reviewed each year.

One thing I now know is that neither of my children were well matched with their previous schools, whereas their new schools are much more suitable for them. Maybe your DD is at the wrong school for her? Taking her out would give her time to relax and give you time to look around for another school, if that's what you want for her.

Hello everyone and thank you for you useful and insightful replies. It really is such a difficult decision to take. After I wrote my post on Monday I actually spoke to her head of year and some of the things Alaska mentions were discussed. Such as only being given core subjects homework and being able to leave assembly if she needs to ( she struggles with lots of people in small spaces) for now my DD seems comfortable with these measures that have been offered to her. Her CAMHS counsellor is also going to write to her school so that everyone is aware of her issues, I feel like we need to try all options before we withdraw her from school.

Part of me would love to remove her now but I feel that we need to give school a chance to help her. I also mentioned home ed to her and surprisingly she didn't seem that keen. She talks about wanting to get a good job when she's older and I don't want to force the issue. I have told her that it is always an option should she need it in the future.

That sounds very promising, Eggwhisk. I hope things improve for your DD soon.

Just a thought as We removed DD in February with a similar story, have you looked at Interhigh? Lots of young people with a similar background but no pressure of a bricks and mortar school

Hi Schrodinger, I did have a brief look at a few weeks ago and I think it would be something that would benefit dd hugely if we do go ahead and withdraw her. I haven't looked into it in any huge detail so I will get onto that. The more information I can get hold of the better.

Thanks

Hi. I'm new to mumsnet, I must admit i only joined this morning to find out about exactly this kind of thing. My 6 yr old came home with a letter last night detailing their homework expectations for yr 2 and it will mean she has to do hw every night! She is also extremely anxious and i am worried if i just refuse to make her do it the pressure she will receive will be unbearable. I have been thinking along similar lines with homeschooling. It's good to know there are other parents out there who feel the same!

Welcome to MN, Cathun . The 'home ed' board on MN is a great place to read about other people's experience of home education, as well as to pose your own questions. Sorry to hear your DD is so anxious and that you are concerned about the homework she's getting. She may surprise you by being fine with it.

I have dipped in and out of home ed according to my DC's needs. Both are now back at school, but our time home educating was good for both of them.

Just wanted to say you sound like a lovely mum! I would do what your dd wants to do, as she's old enough to explain her feelings. It sounds like HEd isn't quite right for her new but perhaps just knowing it's an option might take the pressure off a little?
I hated school and was off a lot as I just couldn't face going - in hindsight I don't know why my parents didn't let me move schools as I'd been asking... one size definitely doesn't fit all... there might be somewhere else more suitable for your dd?

Hi Cathun, you are definitely not alone! This week we have rebelled a bit with homework and have not pushed it. Dd was getting particularly stressed with her maths so we did about 3 questions and left it at that. I have wrote a note in her planner and if they don't like it, tough

Gleegeek, I think you are right, knowing HE is an option has given her something to think about and actually only 5 minutes ago she said she doesnt want to go back to school, she can't give a reason why though...should I be looking for her to have a reason?

Toffeewhirl, do you mind telling me how long your dc were out of school and have they slotted back in ok?

DS1 (15) has been in and out of school for about four years, Egg, as he has special needs and couldn't cope in mainstream. His education ended up being very patchy, as I home educated him for a year, then he went back to school, then he came out again and was educated by the LA for about six months, then home educated for a year, then back to school again... and on and on until I finally got him a statement and funding to go to a school for children with special needs in September. If I had set out to home educate him without interruption, he might have had a more consistent education, but it's easy to say that now, with the benefit of hindsight.

However, in spite of that, he is slotting in well at his new school and has been placed in the top groups for maths and English. I don't understand how because he hasn't done any formal study of either for a long time. This supports what autonomous home educators say, ie. children continue to educate themselves even if they don't go to school or having any formal teaching. For months at a time, DS1 couldn't leave the house because of chronic anxiety (he has Aspergers), so he ended up reading online (he won't read books anymore, much to my frustration). Through this, he has become interested in politics, current affairs, religion and much more. He has essentially been teaching himself.

I was most concerned about maths, as he hasn't been following any regular study of maths recently, but he seems fine with it and what he doesn't know he has plenty of time to learn before his GCSE, as it is a two-year study course.

My younger son (9) was only out of school for one year. I took him out because he was miserable and we had found a better school for him, but the place fell through. I have yet to hear what the teacher says about him (meeting next week), but he is very happy at his new school.

The woman who came to see us from the LA, after I deregistered DS2, said that children's educational needs vary so widely as they progress through school that it really doesn't matter if they are behind when they arrive because schools are set up to deal with this.

are having any formal teaching

Thanks you, that's really interesting to hear. I hope your dc continue to do well, it sounds like they will

Thanks, Egg.

Well we appear to have made some progress today, dd and I have had a long chat about what home ed would mean for us and she seems really keen now, she's currently watching a YouTube video from an interhigh student so I have emailed our local home ed network to see what info they can give us, and to see if we can go along to a meet up...I feel strangely excited and slightly terrified too!! I can tell dd is excited too, she has gone from 'I don't feel well' that we normally have on an evening before school to being bright eyed and smiley

My next question is about how you as parents cope? Do you get any time to yourselves, do you work? I've just started a course that I hope will lead to self employment next year and I don't want to give it up

That's exciting!!!

Do they have a facebook group? if so, that'll be where you'll probably get a sense of what's going on (at least, that's how it is in my area - I think all the email lists are totally moribund now). Look up your county, your nearest big city, like "Sheffield Home Education" or "South Yorks Home Education" and you should get some facebook results. Then if you say "is there anything going on in ?" people might point you at a smaller local HE community too.

Time to myself: I work full time, flexitime. So I'm working about 50 hours a week, asleep about 56 hours a week, awake when the children are asleep about 7 hours a week, and awake with the children about 55 hours a week. That's still more hours with the children than a school would get :) Time to myself happens pretty much at work, and on my (relatively short) commute to and from it. Social life happens at work or with adults who have children who my children like to hang out with. Some people manage by using child minders, some have one parent at home, some do the kind of work their child can be around while they do it, some have two parents pretty much doing shifts with children/money work, some have grandparents or other family who can help with childcare. It's a lifestyle choice, for sure.

Wow! So pleased to hear that your dd is talking and seems excited. Even if it turns out not to be the right time for her, knowing what is possible is enormously liberating. I always said to my dh that if dd didn't enjoy school then HE was a possibility...

Let us know how things go

That's encouraging. I'm glad that you and your dd seem to be inclined along similar lines as to what might work.

Time to myself: very precious LOL but getting easier as they get older!

You are unlikely to be doing formal education with your daughter for anywhere near six hours a day, as home ed is much more efficient than school. So this is essentially about losing the "free childcare" aspect of school which you have been accustomed to. But assuming that your daughter has no particularly challenging special needs, at 11, she probably doesn't need close supervision and constant interaction with you all day every day.

Many secondary-aged kids are left alone for several hours a day, whether home ed or not. Many are able to get around by themselves, by bike or bus or on foot. Many prepare at least one meal for themselves.

All kids are different, so I can't presume to know what your daughter will need in the way of companionship and supervision. But I imagine that a "typical" 11yo might need the following:

Someone to keep her company for part of every day, just to chat and make sure she's feeling OK and prevent her getting lonely
Somebody to ferry her to the places she wants to go: home ed groups or swimming or friends' houses
Someone to keep her safe and out of mischief and healthy

If your course, and later your job, will prevent you from giving your dd as much adult attention as she needs throughout the day, then you'll want to see whether she can get it from someone else such as a childminder or relative or other parents. When my older child was five and six I used to work a couple of days a week while she went to a home educating childminder: actually I had three CMs on call because my hours were irregular and work often appeared at very short notice, so it was a question of ringing round to see who could take dd tomorrow. She loved the variety, and I loved the peace!

I don't work at all now, but I still enjoy time alone. In my area the home ed parents who need/want to be away from our kids do a lot of child-swapping. I try to assuage my environmental guilt over the fact that I drive around more than I ought to, by packing my car full of kids at every opportunity. And in turn I leave my kids with other people regularly. It works well for us.

omm yes there is a facebook page and I requested to join a couple of weeks ago but so far no response. I guess they are wary about letting strangers into the group? I've also requested to join a national FB group too so I shall see what happens there.

I have huge admiration for those of you who work as well as HE! I'm a sahm as I also have two younger dc (5&3) and my husband is self employed so I think between us we should be able to cover things and give each other a break should we need it. Dh is actually employed in an area that dd is very interested in (coding and web development) so I expect she can learn a great deal from him in that area and would even be able to go to work with him now and then. I'm sure he could set her little projects to do

The area in which I'm training (reflexology) shouldn't be a problem, if I have clients at home she is old enough to occupy herself in her room for an hour or like I said go to work with dh. I also do pilates once a week and she can probably come with me and join in as part of her physical education. I'm actually feeling hugely excited at the prospect now and I have all these ideas whirring around in my head about the sorts of things we can do.

Hopefully I can get in touch with some home educators and find out what goes on around here. I'm in Worcestershire if anyone else is?

Have you checked your 'others' messages on FB. Usually if you request to join a HE group they message you if you have no obvious connection such as friends in the group.

Eggwhisk - send me a PM with your real name in, and I'll pass it on to a friend of mine who is in the Worcestershire home ed group, and I'll get her to vouch for you, if you haven't got a message in your "other" folder :)