DS just started Year 11 - Should I home educate him?

[Ollyoscar18]

My 15 year old DS has just started in Year 11 but is so unhappy and isolated. He has chronic, serious health problems and is now also coming to terms with a newly diagnosed learning impairment. These 2 factors are causing him real anxiety as he struggles to cope with the pressures of school. On the first day back yesterday, the entire staff were stressing how hard this Year 11 will be and the importance of exams........something that his learning difficulty will cause great problems for him. No staff have spoken to him to reassure him or plan his studies in a way to support him more. Should I bring him out of school to home ed? He has no friends at school, so the social side isn't an issue but I'm really worried that I may cause him more problems if he has an upheaval from school in such a crucial year. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Have you looked at inter high? Does he enjoy school at all?

We home educate, and I totally endorse it.

Before diving in at your son's stage, though, I'd get ducks in a row.

• how many exams do you think he will want to take in the summer? (as in, the number that will be useful for him for his next stages rather than however many the school does as standard)
• of those, which have coursework? Which are exam only?
• Is there somewhere locally he can sit the exams?
• what will it cost?
• would it be worth using private tutors or an online school like Interhigh?
• is there a local college that might take him on at this stage, or is he too young yet?
• what are HIS hopes, dreams aspirations? MAkes a difference to how you play the whole exams thing.

There will be others along soon, I'm sure, whose children have been through this stage and can offer more focused advice!

I haven't heard of inter high, but I will do so as soon as I've written this. I am completely in the dark regards exams and coursework because he is really struggling to concentrate. His working memory impairment means that he isn't able to store information and then mentally manipulate it. Most learning activities (maths, science, reading etc)all impose great burdens on our working memory. My DS cannot follow lengthy instructions to do one thing after another, because he has forgotten the instruction before the whole sequence of actions has been completed. Even note taking is hard for him as he loses his place, fails to remember where he is in the task and this often results in missing out letters, words or sentences even. I have tried looking at some of the exam boards to ascertain what help he could be given during exams. But it seems there isn't much available to help him. On top of this, and to complicate matters, he has a medical condition which severely deteriorates under stress and so a vicious circle ensues as he takes time off school to recover, misses more work and then is stressed about catching up when he cannot even cope with that day's work.

This problem with working memory seems so significant and I am really worried about how it will affect even his future career prospects. To have poor working memory is not the same as a low IQ and, in fact, he is really interested in many subjects but cannot cope with the 'mental' demands placed on him at school.

Year 11 is an undesirable time to leave school, if the young person is tolerably happy, progressing reasonably well, and has the expectation of achieving what he wants to at school. Whatever work your son may have done last year towards GCSEs probably would not count toward exams he could sit while being home educated though obviously if the school has taught him anything worth learning rather than just teaching to the test, Y10 cannot be considered a write-off as he will have acquired lots of transferable knowledge .

HOWEVER, you've described a very unhappy, anxious, ill young man who is not getting the support he needs at school, and onto whom the school is about to pile even more pressure. It doesn't look promising, does it? I assume you are not considering home ed all of a sudden based on one day in Y11, but that the situation has been pretty bad for some time now.

With home education, there is no hurry to achieve a certain number of exams at a certain age. So... what if your son does end up starting over on different exams? What if you struggle to find exam centres and he doesn't manage to get the qualifications he was hoping for this year?

Then he'll have some time this year to recover his confidence, have a break, and perhaps even improve his health a little. He can explore whatever truly interests him, dabble in different areas, broaden his education in topics not permitted at school. He can do some exams next year, or the year after. He can do them through distance learning, or with you, or with a tutor, or at college. He can do them as and when he feels up to it and has mastered the material and is motivated to do them. He can do them a few at a time or all at once. He can do many or few, or none at all if he sees an alternative way forward which doesn't depend on exams. He doesn't have to do any subjects which aren't necessary to his future.

You've been on the school treadmill for many years, moving relentlessly toward a fixed point: end of Y11, GCSEs, end of school's opportunity to squeeze as much performance out of your son as possible while they still have him under their control. They are panicking, because they have targets and his ill-health jeopardises their results. You don't have to panic. You don't have a deadline. Your only target lies years in the future: a well-rounded, happy, educated young man. Step back and look at your lad's whole future. It doesn't have to be like this. First make him happy, then take some time to look around and see how he wants to move forward.

How was your son's WM impairment assessed? Who ever undertook that work should have made a set of specific suggestions to help him compensate for the issues he has, both individually and at a school level.

What's the relationship with school like? At this stage in his schooling it would make sense to try to work in partnership with school, rather than to home ed.

Listen to Saracen. Yes yes yes.

Sorry, cross-posted.

It may be that exams will never be your son's strong point and that he needs to explore alternative qualifications which are not so exam-based, as well as taking plenty of time to look around at different types of jobs which might suit him, talking to adults who have poor working memories to see what types of paths have been successful for them, what strategies they use to compensate, etc.

All the more reason not to be caught up in school targets and the massive drive to sit a load of GCSEs at the end of this year.

Saracen,
Your advice is invaluable, thank you. But does anyone have suggestions for where I can contact adults with poor working memory? I've tried looking to see if there are any self-help groups but had no success. The specialist who has done the assessments for my DS has described working memory as being where dyslexia was 30 or 40 years ago, as in poorly understood and supported. But this doesn't help the people, like my DS, who live with the problem every day. I have certainly started thinking about home educating but am so nervous about doing this at a crucial time in his education. It's such a huge responsibility but then the other part of me keeps saying that it's only a crucial time within the education system and my DS's needs may not conveniently fit in to this timescale.
Because working memory is so poorly recognised and understood, it is really hard to find the right type of support, strategies etc and this adds another level of worry for me in deciding what to do. Plus DH is very sceptical about making any changes to DS being at school, but he's not the one who sees him upset, demoralised and isolated.

So did the person who made the assessment give any recommendations?

As a clinical psychologist, I'd disagree that WM is poorly understood!

Advice was to 'chunk' the work (whatever that means!), explore which forms if memory aids work best for him (visual, audio) and nothing much else was mentioned. But when he is 15 years old, already facing teenage angst, plus chronic health problems, GCSE pressures and then this learning difficulty thrown in, it's hard to know where/how/when to help him.
Why is it so hard to find self help groups for people with poor working memory? There seems to be so little info out there.

Who was it that gave you the diagnosis? Could you go back to them and request a more in depth plan to help your DS?

What does your DS want to do after he leaves school? I would consider his health the main priority and maybe take this year to HE and build his confidence. There is no reason why he should take GCSEs at all if his health is that badly affected.

Wow! Thanks saracen I have just read the last paragraph of your post to my DP. He is on board with us removing Dd3 from school but he is still scared about her future! Mainly because he doesnt read anything except computer manuals!!

Anyway, it was really good to be able to read something so sensible to him

Okay, chunking means breaking things into small chunks, so when you learn a phone number, you usually do it in a few bits, rather than as a whole 8 digit sequence.

I'm surprised that the recommendation were so vague, to be honest. I wouldn't be happy with that.

I often recommend the following book to adolescents and parents with these difficulties: Smart But Scattered. It's extremely useful.

Sorry, I've had to break from this post to take a poorly dog to the vets! But I'm back to the drawing board and thank everyone for the advice. I'm taking DS back this week to specialist and will be asking some direct questions about ways in which he can be helped. The more I'm reading here, the more I'm thinking home educating may be the way forward for my DS. But I have a disabled DD as well, and I'm so tired all the time which worries me that I may not have stamina and concentration to oversee home educating for DS. Inter high would not be financially possible for us. Do any colleges have courses for home ed children? I'm just trying to figure out how much work (and emotional strength) I need to find to ensure my DS receives the right education/training/opportunities etc. Plus, DH not convinced that home ed is right solution but doesn't come up with anything himself! I'm usually the one at home coping with stress, anxiety and despair that DS feels because learning is so challenging for him.

Sorry, haven't read all of this but just wanted to add that if you are home educating you can work out access arrangements with JCQ yourself - I did that for my son by liaising directly with JCQ and getting the SENCo from our chosen exam centre to do the paperwork. JCQ won't discuss with parents if their child is in school, so that's worth bearing in mind if you don't feel confident that the school will act in his best interests.

QueenStreaky, that has to be done way way in advance, I think?

I don't speak from experience, I just have the idea I have heard that. I think some of the exam boards are more restrictive than they once were about what evidence they will accept as proof of needing special arrangements. Some kids may require additional assessments if their existing documentation isn't accepted by the exam board. Have I got that right?

This isn't meant to discourage the OP from doing it, just to alert her to the fact it should be tackled early.

BTW here is a good mailing list for parents who are home educating children with special needs, where you can go for advice on such matters: he-special.org.uk

My DD is 15 and we have started homeschooling this year. Long story but she fell apart in January this year, was diagnosed with Aspergers, and she hasn't been at school since then.

After many meetings, lots of pushing from me, our LEA is funding online schooling with Wolsey Hall. I looked at Interhigh but I didn't think it would suit DD.

We start next week so I can't recommend it yet but both DD1 and DD2 (also AS) have individual study schedules and tutors and we have set a flexible exam date for IGCSEs in 2017 so no rush.

Might be worth looking at for your DS? Agree with others though, well being is top priority

Not sure if there's been any updates Saracen (though I know JCQ release new guidelines every year), but I made my application in the same year that ds took his first exams with access arrangements. The arrangements were finalised in March for exams that summer (2013). But yes, it's worth checking the current rules in case there have been changes.

I've ended up telling my DS about my thoughts on him leaving school and continuing Year11 at home. I wish I hadn't blurted it out to him as I know I have a lot of thinking and research to do first. But when I see and hear how said he is and anxious for his future, I just want to make everything better for him. I think it has thrown him a bit, the prospect of home ed. He was immediately worried about leaving school at such an important time. But I emphasised Saracen's points made yesterday and how school doesn't suit everyone at same time, in same way and at some pace. I wonder if he is struggling with school studies because of poor working memory whether apprenticeships or vocational training may suit him better. I know a lot of courses won't accept people until they are 16 (which he is this month) or if they have to have completed year 11 in which case he would almost be 17.

I know my DH won't be happy that I've shared my thoughts with DS but I wanted to show him that I am taking steps to alleviate his difficulties so that he doesn't feel alone or unsupported. The other thing I worry about is the potential lack of social opportunities for older home ed children of DS age. From what I've read and seen, a lot of social events/opportunities seem to be geared to younger children. Do the teenagers have to find their own things to do.? Socialising doesn't one easy to DS and yet it is an important skill to practice. Although, school life is very isolating for him so I sometimes wonder what he has to lose?

Re: socialising, I think you have it right on both counts.

IME, in most areas it is rather harder for teens to make home ed friends than it is for younger children. There are many reasons for this.

Teens who have been HE for many years will have their own friends and may see that as sufficient, not necessarily bothering to seek out anyone new. They aren't unwelcoming if someone happens to appear on their radar, and new kids who somehow manage to do so will soon be included, but they make few efforts to find and invite new kids. They aren't unkind, just self-absorbed. (It's different with younger kids, where the parents are often more proactive about welcoming newcomers and ensuring they are included. Teenagers don't always comply readily when parents say, "The new boy looks lonely. Why don't you invite him to join your game?") My own teen readily admits that she is just a bit too lazy to organise a proper home ed group to do something, with the commitment that entails. She'd rather just send a Facebook message round half a dozen of her friends. It's easier.

And teens are more self-conscious. Where a confident 7yo will walk up to the new kid and ask, "Do you want to play?", even a confident 15yo hangs back a bit, worried about being rejected or looking silly or getting it wrong, not knowing exactly what to say.

I wish it weren't like that, but it is.

So your son needs a way in, an icebreaker interest or activity. Once he has got to know a few kids it will get easier. He may well need your help with that. If you chat with other parents in the area, you may be able to find some whose kids have interests in common with yours who'd be willing to meet up. Teens are less self-conscious when there is an activity to focus on: going up the climbing wall or bowling or doing Minecraft will be OK, whereas meeting an unknown teen for a "coffee and chat" is scary! Local parents may be able to advise on any good icebreaker activities.

But I agree with you that if your son isn't finding socialising easy at school, then even if it proves hard to socialise with HE kids, he may not be any worse off. It can be even lonelier in a crowd of people where you are "supposed" to have friends than it is when you are actually alone.

Thank you Saracen for yet more valuable advice. How should I find out about HE groups local to me? Perhaps I should try to ascertain whether my local groups comprise of younger children or if it's a mixture of younger and older ones, like my DS. My DS also has Statement because of health problems and newly diagnosed learning impairment which has come at a really difficult time in final GCSE year. Also have another child with Statement (but for different reasons) and wonder how I can devote time to them both. I keep swaying from home ed to keeping DS at school and then back again to home ed. I'm meeting SENCO this week and will try to find out their plans for supporting DS through this crucial year whilst he is facing such huge challenges with his health and now must also contend with learning difficulties too. Do home ed children use Facebook to talk to other children in same situation? My DS isn't on Facebook but this could be a valuable asset from what has been suggested.