My son misses school, but there aren't any places

[HetzelNatur]

Can anyone help at all? I have a nearly 12yo and he has been at home since Christmas. I'm trying to go through the curriculum coursebooks with him, for various subjects - he was doing really well at his school, despite being unhappy - but he is feeling lost and isolated despite having friends where we live.

It was such a horrible shock to be separated from his classmates at 11, his old friends mostly went to grammar and he started alone at a comprehensive school where he got bullied for a whole term.

He begged me to take him out and so I did in December. He had always loved school and so I took him seriously.

We are on a (long, hopeless) waiting list for one school (where he doesn't want to go as it's rough) and nowhere else has a place, except the school he was at before Christmas, and he can't bear the thought of going back there.

He has taken the test again for the grammar where his friends went, just this week, in case he managed to get in as a late admission, but did not get through.

He feels such a sense of loss. I have no idea what to do.

Any thoughts appreciated.

Firstly, well done for listening to him and taking him seriously. It's a massive change and takes a while to get used to, but if he is still unhappy now then he probably does need school.
what did the original school do regarding the bullying?
the school where my kids go integrates them back in very slowly, teaches them in the support centre etc.
have you any way of funding private school?

Are there any Home Ed groups in your area? Are there activities that he takes part in? Sports teams?
He should have extra free time HE ing rather than school - is he doing anything fun with that time? Is he having the opportunity to explore his interests to a deeper level?
Is your focus to get him back into a school? Or are you planning to continue HEing? Could he start to focus on getting one or more GCSEs?

Have you met other Home Educators in the area? I think you need to look for some, if you had support for you and groups for him you would both feel better about it. I am not a home educator- hopefully some will reply with advice.

Hi, thank you for answering.

He was happy at first, then we were working towards this exam and he had some hope that he might be reunited with his mates but it has all gone now...that was the last chance. He does see them socially now and then, you know, meeting up in town, but he seems to want the everyday shared experiences, a bit like going to work and getting on with your colleagues.
I can understand that. I think part of it is just the losing of friends you have grown up with for so long, and not finding any new ones really at his new school.

They did try and address the bullying but it was constant and low level, and he never felt he could belong there. I wonder if he would feel better if he gave it another chance. He was expecting to be happy straight away.
But he insists it was awful and he will never go back.

Sadly we can't afford private school - it feels like an impossible situation, unless I can find him some sort of non-school set up that makes him feel like he belongs, and can make new friends.

Are there things like that? Or are the groups people talk about more casual, more random?

Sorry, crossed posts! We have just moved out of our old town, too - not far away, it's bus-able - so we really can't move again just now.

I think he does need a club, a hobby, something where he feels he belongs.

It sounds as if you are in Kent and he wasn't at a comprehensive if the top end were in grammar schools.
If it is a fully 11+ system I would guess there are a lot of HEers because they didn't like the school given.
Have you looked at the Education Otherwise website?

Well my local HErs (and I don't do it, just know lots of people who do) do lots of different things; from coffee morning type meet ups, to shared tutors, to special activities (Tudor Day). All the HE children I know are also involved in clubs and activities: Choir, Orchestra, Sports Teams, Guides/Scouts, Church youth groups etc.
I think all teens/pre-teens need regular activities outside the home.

It would do you and your son the world of good to meet other HErs and see how they do things, and different ways to learn, and hopefully make friends.

Thank you, yes I think you are right, he needs to do this. I will try and find him some activities and groups.

Mehitabel, yes we are - not sure what the correct term is for the school, if not a comp?

I will look at Education Otherwise website - many thanks.

It sounds like it is difficult for your son to accept the painful fact that most likely he cannot ever go to the same school as this particular bunch of friends. He misses the shared life they all had together. That is totally understandable, especially considering that until last week he probably had his hopes pinned on the possibility of passing the test for the grammar school and getting in. Now even that hope has been dashed. He can't go to school with his friends. That has to hurt.

I suppose it's a lot like moving house, only his friends are still around so there are constant reminders of what he's missing, so it's even worse.

That doesn't mean he needs school and can't ever be happy in home education. But you'll have to start making efforts to give him the social opportunities he seems to be missing. Right now, just a week after losing his last hope of being reunited with his old friends, he may not respond positively to your suggestions that he meet new friends by joining clubs and going to home ed groups. That's to be expected. If you had moved house he would probably be in the doldrums too.

Turn your attention to finding potential groups for him to join in with, and nudge him gently toward them. I wouldn't go so far as to say that all young people need to join in with group activities, but it seems to be something your son particularly wants. It may take some time. Not all groups will be a good fit. Some groups which you might expect to be very sociable will turn out to provide little opportunity for making friends, but he may find a great social environment in unexpected places. (My daughter made loads of friends very quickly at one choir, while the structure of the other choir she attended meant that after almost a whole year my very sociable child didn't know the name of a single other child there.) You just have to try different things until you find some which work.

Why not make this your main mission in home educating him? Without the right social environment he'll never be happy.

For a big intense quick-fix social experience, you could try Hesfes or some other HE camp. www.hesfes.co.uk/ The season will soon be underway! Or if you can manage to get the money together and if he is twelve by 20 June, he could spend a week sailing a tall ship with other HE young people: myinnovationspace.com/product/tall-ship-sailing My daughter has been several times now. It is a brilliant experience! A really excellent term-time holiday with other kids is a pretty good way to show a child one of the advantages of home education and encourage him to make HE friends closer to home.

Thank you so much for such a helpful post, Saracen. I really appreciate it.

I will take a look at HesFes, it might be right up his street - and I will also look at the sailing link, and try and find some other local groups - I'll sit with him today and make a list of what he would like to try and go from there.

I think you are right that he is grieving for his friends and we need to get some perspective on that, and separate it from the HE issue, as it seems we are very much stuck with HE for the time being at least!

Thanks again, much to think on.

Search on facebook for "your nearest town home education / home ed" or "your part of the county home ed or home education, or your county home ed. Fiddle around with the search terms till you find the right thing. There will be a really active community you can get involved in, I predict. Activities are often aimed at rather younger children but actually hanging out with 9-10 year olds might be a really good confidence boost for him, and he'd meet the odd older person too (actually, in our home ed community, you are really likely to see children and teens socialising way out of their age group. One of my children has a really close friend 3 years younger; another has a good friend 4 years older. Chronological age is not so important.

Grammar school is wonderful for the people at the top of the ability range. But those who only just squeak in have a horrible time in terms of intellectual confidence and achievement (I always remember that in our grammar school town, the bottom of the grammar school got a few c's at gcse, but the top of the secondary modern school would be there with a big clutch of b grades, because they had been top of the class for 5 years. Worth bearing in mind when regretting the grammar school.

Very good and interesting to know that, Omm, thank you.

He seemed much happier academically in the secondary he went to, he was in the accelerated group, top of the class, teachers loved him - and there was some fantastic teaching. Just the other children, not all but a huge majority, seemed really unkind and kept having a go at him.

I wish he could have had the academic side without the bullying.

I did HE him for a while in Y1 and we tried to get in with a group but I didn't really fit in - hopefully there are different groups now and nearer to us, as that one was about 30 miles away and so we could only take part very rarely.

Thanks everyone for all the info. I feel a bit more hopeful today and so does Ds.

There's been an absolute explosion in HE in our area in the last five years. I'd say numbers have doubled or tripled. So you may find there are more social options than there once were :)

I would guess that Kent has a lot in the same situation because of the ridiculous system where you separate children based on a test aged 10/11. He wasn't at a comprehensive ( they have to have all abilities with those going to top universities included ) - it was a secondary modern which they generally try and call High Schools.
I think that if you try looking there will be others.

Would looking into internet school be an option? Interhigh. It did a huge amount for my daughter attending. Her self esteem was so low prior to going. She made some wonderful friendships and loved the learning style.plus still had plenty of time to pursue her own interests.