Partner wants to home educate

[Iflifegivesyoulemons77]

So...I'm pregnant with my first child. Me and my partner were talking about the future a few days ago and I mentioned something about "when our child is at school". Cue partner's reaction: "I thought we were going to home educate?" We have NEVER had a serious discussion about it, and he knows I am intent on progressing in my career once my maternity leave is over. He is intent on furthering his career and it is not a viable option for him. I think he was expecting me to sacrifice my career and future earning potential so he could be the breadwinner. Neither of us are fully qualified teachers and the more I think about it the more I am against the idea. We also do not have the money to afford HE any time in the near future. Both me and my partner are interested in alternative forms of education but I have known many fine teachers and there are many great schools in our area.

So..maybe it's the hormones but our discussion has really been bothering me. Has anyone experienced disagreements with their spouse over HE? I think this might become a really sore point in our relationship and he just isn't being realistic about things. He had a really bad experience of schooling himself so I think he is massively projecting. I also have a tendency to catastrophise about these kind of things but what happens in cases of divorced and separated couples where one parent wants to home educate? Do the courts decide? I don't know whether to bring this HE topic up any time soon with my partner but it is really stressing me out!

He doesn't get a say in your future work plans. Just ignore him if he starts on about this shite again.

If neither of you is prepared to give up working, then your kid won't be home educated.

I think I'd be a bit concerned by his notion that it's up to him to decide how his child should be educated and up to you to facilitate his preference.

The qualified teacher bit is totally irrelevant to home education. Totally different skill set. By the time you have a 3 or 4 year old, I assure you, you will have the necessary skill set to continue helping them learn and navigate the world, as you'll have been doing since they first began to interact with you. That's not an issue.

There are ways of managing around both parents working, either with one working part time and one working full time, or both working part time, or else both working full time but on various flexi/shift arrangements so that the childcare is pretty much covered. Some people have family who are prepared to provide some childcare (or a lot). Some people have their own businesses. I like the idea of each doing a 3.5 day week, with a day or two of child care in the mix (in our family, I work full time, out of the house, and my partner SAH, but I'm still with the children, doing various educational things, for about 6 hours a day).

You do need to have a proper conversation about it - but actually, it's not a HE conversation, it's a "will you be taking paternity leave for part of the year? Will I be going back to work full time after the baby is born? What sort of childcare do we envisage?" conversation - any HE conversation is waaaaaay down the line at this point - by the time a child has been in nursery from (say) nine months old for 9 hours a day, school is probably a logical progression. But if you rlives don't work out like that, you may well find that HE is an option you want to look into seriously.

If he brings it up again say, "oh right, when are you planning on landing in your notice then?". If he proposes something like ommm suggests, then listen with as much as an open mind as you can muster. If he says, "well actually I thought yo-" don't even let him finish the sentence and tell him, "We've discussed this- I will not be leaving work". Repeat ad infinitum.

Totally agree with this:

I think I'd be a bit concerned by his notion that it's up to him to decide how his child should be educated and up to you to facilitate his preference.

I would simply say if he wants to give up work and home educate then we can discuss it. If not he needs to be realistic

I agree - the practical objections you have to home education are not necessarily obstacles, if you and your partner want to do it. It is even possible (though not easy) for both of you to work full-time and also HE.

But that is a few years off, and there are more immediate concerns now.

It sounds like the most pressing problem is that you resent your partner's apparent assumption that you are willing to give up your career, when you had already told him that you aren't. That's something you definitely need to talk about. Pregnancy hormones or not, he needs to know how you feel about this.

I would just agree to differ at this stage. And postpone conversation to a later date. Enjoy being parents together - make that bond first before you start fighting over what will happen in 3 years' time. After all it is not different to the many assumptions that people might have that later they go on to discuss and change their opinion about - moving to the country from the town, churchgoing, baptism, breast v formula, pets, decor, extensions. All things that people get very heated over. But it seems to me this is not something to get really angry over at this stage. At the very least it shows he is very interested in his child's education and welfare - which must be good surely? In due course you will meet people who are planning all sorts of different educational routes - some will send children to nursery very early for example. As long as he keeps his mind open and you do too you will come to a better understanding of his reasons and he of yours. You cannot make this decision in a vacuum without meeting people from both sides. There are home educating groups for much younger children 2 upwards - so that people do get the chance to make a community before the "nursery"years hit.

Enjoy your baby please.

I was kind of like you when I was pg. I kept telling myself that, at worst, it would only be full on for 3 years then they would be at school every day. Dh really didn't want them to go to school. We kind of ignored the issue for the first couple of years, although I did investigate various possibilities for school (dire in our area, unfortunately)

When ds1 was 3, we explored the school options. We tried one alternative school (actually moved to do it for a while) and then dh and ds1 together decided they would rather home ed. I agreed, on the basis that we would review it over time.

Several years on, and both the dc are home ed, and I am even doing a bit of the teaching now, although dh still does the vast majority. Dh still accepts that as it was his decision, the burden of teaching will be with him and anything I do to help is as and when I want and only if I want, and is appropriately grateful for any assistance. He even teaches them my mother tongue, although he does nag me a little that I don't. I still occasionally get saturated and feel like I have been manipulated into the situation, but on the whole it is going really well so I am basically a convert.

We both work (somewhat seasonally) ft, but from home, and the dc have got used to getting on with their stuff while we work.

I agree with the viewpoint of kicking it forward, but with the proviso that it is clear that if he wants to hed he has to take the lead, and you may support him as and when it is possible for you. Unless I had been fairly confident that if we did end up home ed it would not be up to me, I would have found the issue very stressful indeed, so I don't think you are wrong to want reassurance on that.