De registering DS on Monday!

[basgetti]

Hi all, I could really do with some support and advice. DS is 6 (Year 2) and on Wednesday pm after a meeting with the SENCO we made the decision that he wouldn't be returning to school. DS has some additional needs, and struggles massively with the school environment. He has SALT involvement and difficulties with socialisation. Every day is a battle to get through school and back to the safety of home and I've had enough of putting him through it.

The breaking point had been the lack of action from the school, promises for over a year of an IEP that never materialised and the realisation that goading DS into distress has become a source of entertainment for some of the other children in the playground. The school have responded by punishing DS for having meltdowns and lashing out and putting in place 'anger management' strategies. This has so far involved being told to hit a cushion when he became angry at being called stupid, and another time after he became enraged at being hit in the privates. He regularly asks me if he is 'bad' and comes out looking so sad and dejected. His school books are almost empty because he can't cope with a noisy classroom environment and he complains of tummy ache every morning.

So that is the background, we know we have made the right decision to withdraw him, the last couple of days I've done some activities with him at home and he was so keen and engaged, he researched some facts online, wrote a story and read loads.

But...I'm so anxious about it all. I'm worried that I haven't got the skills and knowledge to educate him, that I'll miss out some vital information that will hinder him for life. Also that I will be depriving him of a social life, friendships. Also I have a 10 week old baby who I'm worried I'll be neglecting as I won't be able to take her to baby groups or have much one to one time with her. Please reassure me that I can do this! Any advice would also be helpful because I don't know where to start! Thanks in advance and sorry for the length!

Have you found the home education community in your area? Some have yahoo groups - google your nearest town, city, your county name etc. And others have pretty much moved all their activities onto facebook.

Your ten week old won't mind in the slightest. Home ed groups are full of younger siblings. The older children dashing around will be the cabaret for the baby - job done :)

You are going to be fine, and so are your children x x

Where to start? Announce it as a holiday until after Easter. Go on fun trips - local places where you can get all the benefit from a season ticket; the park; he meets; pointless trips to the supermarket where your son can be in charge of the list and the trolley and the money; go and watch the trains at the station - whatever floats his boat!!

After that, you will have had time to read around different approaches, from autonomous child led to curriculum based and everything in between:)

I could have written that, when ds was at the same age basgetti .

I hesitated. Ds was 10 before I was brave enough to deregister, so you're already one up on me there.

The crunch for me was realising that I couldn't possibly do a worse job than school was doing for him. His mental health was at stake (even our GP advised us to consider HE) and that was my starting point - to get him stable, and happy and calm, and if that was ALL we achieved it was better than watching him suffer in a cruel and unsupportive environment.

My son is 16 now, has lots of friends, has taken exams and is planning on college this September. He is very independent and goes to loads of groups and activities on his own, which would never have happened had he been in school. He has ASD and ADHD and was WILD without support. HE has given him the opportunity to develop without bullying and fear.

You will be fine, and so will he. Good luck .

I started by deciding I only had to do better than school, and that really took the pressure off. Keep focusing on your child, your family, for evidence id what's working/not working, and meet other home edders, especially ones with older kids/have been doing it longer. I've found huge reassurance in getting to know older HEd children, and their parents who are relaxed and confident by now in their choices.

Thanks for the responses. I have found the local groups on fb so that's a start. I like the idea of taking a bit of a break for a few weeks. He is still very much in the 'school' mindset (he was calling me Miss on Thursday and asking if he could go to the toilet!!) so I think it will be good to get that out of him and then we can find our own way.

I'm glad your son has done so well streakybacon, I feel very similar to you about DS' mental health. He is so clever and funny and sweet, yet he was coming out of school just looking traumatised and so sad every day. It is also difficult because DS struggles with the depth of language needed to tell us exactly what has been happening so I feel he is extra vulnerable.

Focusing just on doing better than the school is a really good way of thinking about things, it wouldn't be hard and certainly takes the pressure off!

I agree with everyone else. You've done the right thing. You couldn't leave him there. Even if all your fears were realised, home ed cannot possibly be worse than school at this point in time, can it? You've suggested that your son isn't learning much at school because of the stress, so removing him is no big loss academically. As for depriving him of a social life, read your own post again: what social development is he now getting at school? You are about to deprive him of the opportunity to be called stupid, be hit in the privates and feel that it's all his own fault.

In fact, I am quite sure that he will learn loads with you and will find his feet socially when he's in the right environment. But even if that didn't happen, where would it leave you a year or two down the line? You'd have a child who might be a bit lonely and academically behind others of his age, but who is happy, safe and loved, and who knows that he deserves to be treated well and that there is nothing wrong with him for being who he is. And then you could look around for a more suitable school or a better way to home educate.

Your baby will love watching her big brother and the other older kids and will find friends among the younger siblings. You can still take her to baby groups if you want - your ds can come along and do some drawing or play on a games console - but you may not feel so much need of that if you join in with groups which include children of all different ages.

Everything will be fine. This is a new chapter in your lives.

Thank you Saracen I agree with everything you say and your post has really helped. I couldn't leave him there.

Legally, do we have to do anything beyond delivering the letter? The HT wants a meeting first thing tomorrow but only DP is going to go and give her the letter there and then. Should we explain in the letter why we are removing him? They already know why but just wondered if we needed an official record of it.

My son was the same - couldn't articulate why he was upset, didn't understand, so couldn't go to teachers for help when he was being bullied. This was interpreted as his fault for not using the appropriate channels to sort the problem, but he simply didn't have the capacity to do it their way, and he suffered dreadfully for it.

I'm so glad you've decided to withdraw him now, at this early age. As they get older, children's social skills develop quicker and the gap between typical kids and those with SNs widens, and thus the problems increase. It is unlikely to get better unless the school is prepared to step up and take positive action.

You don't have to meet with the HT. Once you hand in your dereg letter the school no longer has responsibility for him, however much they want to meet and discuss. You don't need to give an explanation either.

Hi!
We are one week into HE with 5yo DS (who has a speech disorder) and 7yo DD. (I've been on this board a while but have NCd)

I empathise with so much of what others have said here. Both my DCs would hold it together at school and never want cause a fuss (even, in the case of DD, when she was being pushed about :(). The teachers would always tell me the DCs were happy. They wouldn't accept my side of the story. In a way I can't blame them, because of course they have 29 other children to deal with too. But the last straw for me was when I told the infant school that I'd overheard DS being teased (his 'friends' were mimicking his speech :() they said "children can be cruel". Helpful.

Our decision was made quite quickly really (although we've always felt positive about HE so the idea was lurking IYSWIM) as it came down to instinct. I just realised they'd be happier at home and couldn't face dragging them in anymore.

I just used the standard letter template from Education Otherwise, didn't put anything extra about our reasons etc. I got a phonecall from the infant school asking me for a meeting - I said I'll get back to them. I suspect they want to tell me we won't be able to help him because of his speech but TBH I think the opposite is true. Anyway I think if they bug me ask again I'll just politely decline. I've covered the legal stuff.

This was interpreted as his fault for not using the appropriate channels to sort the problem, but he simply didn't have the capacity to do it their way, and he suffered dreadfully for it.

This is exactly it. DS simply can't navigate the playground without support, he can't understand some of the nuances of social interactions and he can't explain the context of any incidents so it is easier just to mark him out as a problem who needs to be dealt with. Hence the ridiculous situation where he is being penalised for his inappropriate responses to other children's actions because he hasn't got the language skills to give his side. After 2 years of this and asking for help the best they can come up with is getting him to hit a pillow and giving him a sticker if he tells them he is angry. No suggestion of any support to stop it escalating to that point.

He is so relieved that he doesn't have to go back, it is like a weight has been lifted for the whole household.

He is so relieved he doesn't have to go back, it is like a weight has been lifted for the whole household.

I remember that feeling so well and I'm so sorry you and your son have had such an awful time. It's behind you now and you will be fine. I agree with others that you should just have a relaxed time for the next few weeks, following his interests and enjoying family time.

And congratulations on your new baby too .

I just want to add that you have completely done the right thing and you will all be fine!!

My only advice from your perspective would probably be to try not to get drawn into or compare with what other schooled kids his age are doing...remember that even within a class, some can read better/draw better/are more musical/sporty etc.. And it might feel that he is behind at times, but there will be so much more that he does know in other areas at the same time - you have all the time in the world to find out what works and what doesn't for everyone in the family.

With regard to the baby, some activities will be fine for DS to bring along to and you will also find new things. Much like your son, she won't necessarily be missing out, just getting different experiences to what she might have been otherwise!!

Have fun

He is so relieved that he doesn't have to go back, it is like a weight has been lifted for the whole household

The day ds ended school, I was called to pick him up after another 'incident' and told not to bring him back again . It was a two minute walk from the school to the car and I swear he was three inches taller by the time we got there. The relief was incredible, and the repair process started right at that moment.

It will be fine .

Yep same here DD was told they couldn't do anything about the bullying unless DD told the teacher about each incident immediately (as when confronted later the bully would deny it all). Never mind the fact that DD is SEVEN and the bully was specifically threatening further action if DD told!

They really have no idea how to deal with it, have they?

Hello nd congratulations on deregistering
Your poor ds has been through so much, poor little soul.
you have certainly done the right thing and don't worry you and he will be fine.
Just to add to the great advice above. There is no right or wrong way to H.ed, that is what is so good for a variety of children.
When he is ready he can choose his own subjects and work at his own pace.
As for following the nc it isn't compulsory, but whether you want to or not it is difficult to get too far away from it anyway.
Most of what he decides to do will fit in ther somewhere
I too would give him a bit of a break, get out and about, visit museums and join local H.ed group if you have one.
Good luck

I agree, congrats on dereg'ing.

I just did this with my 5yo a few weeks ago, under very similar circumstances. I can see a difference already in him - less sadness, less tension, and a renewed interest in learning.

Best of luck!