Considering HE due to bullying

[MarmaladeSun]

Hi. I am considering HE my 2 oldest children. DD is almost 12, and DS is 9. Both have suffered bullying throughout school. DD was accused of bullying about 3 years ago, and treated very badly because of it (it was an army school), until the head remembered to phone and tell me that the girls involved had admitted that DD had nothing to do with it. I asked for an apology for DD as the school had obviously not investigated fully. They refused and then tried to find ways of saying she was involved. We pulled both children out.
last year, back in UK, DS had a suspected broken nose at school from a lad thinking it was fun to smash his face into the tarmac. Despite a swollen face, nose bleed, vomiting and blacking out, the school never thought it necessary to call me. I only found out when I picked him up at 3.30 and had to take him to A&E. It was a month before the swelling went down enough to ascertain that it wasn;t broken. It was only after having the boy charged with assault that the school reluctantly excluded him for 3 days.
Now DD is being bullied (I have another thread going on about this). After weeks of verbal and physical abuse she hit back and was subsequently charged last night with assault! She was finger printed, DNA'd, photographed and read her rights and now has a record until she is 18!!!! Meanwhile this other kidis still bullying her; even today she hit DD. I have been to the school, writtten to the school, been to the parents...all to no avail. All that happens is that DD gets moved class/netball team/desk etc, every time!
So...my faith in the education system is at an all time low and I ams eriously considering HE. BUT, is 12 a bad age to do this? I'm an intelligent person, I run my own therapy clinic, I have worked in schools...would I be able to get her through her exams? I feel they would both thrive being HE; they love being at home, we are very close. DD2 is only 2 but so eager to learn adn I feel I could really make it work. DH however is against it; the usual arguments about isolation, no social skills etc. My 2 older ones are from my previous marriage so the decision is ultimately mine, but I feel he might stop me HE DD2. But that's 3 years away yet. What do others think?

I would do it.
Your dh's argument about isolation and social skills would be funny if this wasn't such a horrible story. Would he rather your kids were beaten up and arrested? They're hardly learning great social skills at school are they, and (i speak frm experience) long-term bullying can have an absolutely devastating effect on you for a very, very long time.

If you really feel you can do it and make it work then go for it. There are plenty of clubs and things that you could send the kids to so that they still socialise and many areas have "communities" of HE'ers

Hi Hairy (and on other post also!)
DH firmly believes that DD should stay in the school and not run away as he sees it. He is very much a stand and fight man (ex squaddie), and thinks I will be making them 'namby pamby' if I home ed.
He also thinks I am not qualified to do it. I am very very good at English lang, English Lit etc, but not that good at maths. I mean I'm ok at it, I just hate algebra etc (but have always felt that as long as you can count, multiply, divide etc you'll be just fine!)

The Duke of Wellington was masterly in retreat; tactically withdrawing from a poor battleground is surely intelligent, not 'unmanly'?

If you think you can swing it practically then I would do it now, from what you say. If nothing else, the relationship between you and the school has clearly broken down. Can you find anyone locally who is doing it, that you can ask dh to meet with and talk about it?

I guess I am quite pro HE but haven't done it. In your situation I would definitely try it, provided the children want to give it a go.

I might do it myself if I thought it necessary.

Schools teach survival of the fittest, not social skills.

You can always hire tutors or skill share with other home edding families. Providing it works with your older two dh may come round by the time dd2 starts school.

The only thing I would be wary of is that some authorities are suspicious of home edders.

Am shocked about your dd. Have you seen a solicitor?

I was bullied and the solution I would have liked would have been for my parents to find me a decent independent school (they couldn't be bothered).

Hi, we home educate our children. They have busier social lives than when they were in school.

They are bright, happy, polite and self confident - but not over-confident.

At school they were stressed, unhappy, had low self-esteem and were convinced they weren't intelligent.

It would obviously be best if your whole family were supportive of the decision to HE - but you could always try it for a certain amount of time, and then reassess everyone's point of view.

We have a very positive relationship with our LEA, and you do not have to seek anyone's permission to home educate your children. I would advise you to visit the education otherwise website if you haven't already. It is true that some LEA employees are not supportive of home education - but that is their problem, and not one that should concern you as a potential home educator IMO.

The LEA obviously want children in schools from a financial point of view, and they are ticked off that more and more of their 'customers' are starting to shop elsewhere!

I think the school should be supporting you in protecting your children against this bullying and aggression, and you should be able to send them into school and know that they are safe. In reality, however, this is clearly not happening.

I know lots of home educating families who decided that they no longer wanted to argue with the school over their anti-bullying policy / special needs policy / gifted and talented policy etc, etc, and decided to put that energy into home educating their children instead.

We knew that it was the school's responsibility to provide an appropriate education for our dyslexic children, and to protect them from being bullied because of their learning differences. They had a legal obligation to do it. The sad reality is that they didn't, and they weren't likely to do so in the foreseeable future, so we decided to protect our children from further harm.

With regard to your qualifications, I think your willingness to take the education and welfare of your children seriously stands you in very good stead already! I have found that home education encourages independant learning, so you would probably find that your children will develop their interests and you would help to facilitate this, rather than formally teaching as a teacher in a school would.

The home educating community is supportive, and I am sure you would find support from your local groups. Maybe you could visit them as a family in order to ask any questions you have?

My DH and I were very scared before we took the decision to HE, but it has proved to be the best decision we have ever made with regard to our children.

And just remember, if you give it a go and then decide it isn't for you, that's fine too!

Wishing your family all the best.

Hi. Things have gone from bad to worse today with the bullying. The good news is that DH now says I have his blessing to HE the kids, even the little one if it works out with the older 2. Am a bit worried about the LEA intervention though - I have read some scare stories!
Keep the experiences coming everyone; I think maybe theissue will be forced sooner rather than later as DH has phoned the papers with the whole sorry story and told the head he was going to do so!!! NOT happy!

The nationals? How does your dd feel?

Hi. No not the nationals, just the local. DD is happy about it as it will go some way to clearing her name. This girl's family has told the whole village that she is the hard done by one, so at least this will redress the balance somewhat. She won't be named of course, but it's a small village and people will know who it is.

Glad your dd is feeling okay about this, I hope it does go some way to helping. Have you looked at the Kidscape website? They have loads of hellpful info and courses and may even be prepared to help you out directly if you contact them.

Hi nearlythree...yes I have contacted kidscape - they were fabulous, absolutely brilliant and without the advisor I spoke to at length the other day I wouldn't have had the courage to take it this far.

Hope it all works out for you.

Hi, my daughter is 14 and following bullying at school we went to a ZAP assertiveness course with kidscape in London in March - it was absolutely amazing. The situation now is that she will be studying for her G.C.S.E.'s from home via e learning, starting on Monday. The school have been of no help but a wonderful woman from the L.E.A. has arranged this. Would this be an option for you?

Would what be an option? GCSEs at home or the assertiveness course? I am pretty much 'there' with regards to HE; I am just waiting to see what happens with the police tomorrow and then I reckon by the end of the week or next week I will de-register them. They are very excited about it and have written down lots of ideas for projects they want to do. I haven't seen them this animated in a long time!!!

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Hi Lisalisa. I haven't started yet, but will be shortly. From other HE families I have spoken to, and books etc I have read, it seems that it is a lot more relaxed, for the most part. The general consensus is that learning is integrated into every part of life, and that you teach teh children life skills a lot more than they would be taught in schools. For my part, I intend to do an hour's maths, and an hours english a day (which in terms of one to one attention is probably the equivalent to a weeks worth in a class of 30) and then work on different projects with the children, be it art, history, geography etc. There are also loads and loads of local groups where the kids and parents meet up, and go bowling, swimming, nature trails etc...and as they are not confined to mixing with only their own age group they become much more adept at socialising with all ages. of course, as I haven't started yet I can't say if this will work, but it's a starting point.

Hi Lisalisa, I think MarmaladeSun described it really well there.

Just wanted to add the HE gives children the opportunity to study the subjects they really like in much greater depth.

They also become independant learners, which is obviously a very useful skill, and one which they can use throughout their whole life.

I am new to HE having started in July, and being 'programmed' like I am, I started off trying to 'teach' subjects!!
big mistake!! was that not the whole point of HE?
I've come to realise pretty quickly that you just cannot replicate school at home. You just end up with a bored and defiant child!

I've had to seriously chill out! And a pep talk from an experienced autonomous HE mum made me fee much better today.
Children find their own way of learning, and if they get bored they can move on to something else.
Childhood and learning should be fun!

Hi Marmalade.
Having been in a similar situation with my then 12 year old DD, I really know how you feel even though our experience wasnt as bad as yours.

I took her out last September, just not sending her back after the summer hols was easy after seeing in the summer how depressed she had got and how low her self image was.

Hearing her say things like- "they all say im fat and ugly,so I must be" or "there must be something wrong with me, this is all my fault" was enough fo me to realise that academics come no where near top of the list for me compared to having a happy healthy child.

So she may not get 12 gcse at home.
So she may not be doing graphics, chemistry or German.
If thats the price I/she pays for being kept healthy and stopping her to be one of the many teenage suicides after bullying then I dont give a flying fig if she ends up working in Tesco- shes still here and gradually regaining her confidence,self belief and her life.

For the record, the social agruement sucks- most bullied children have no social life at school my daughter has more friends now than she ever did at school.Good luck with your decision

Hi EducatingRita..it's horrific isn't it, the effect others can have on your own kids. The exam thing isn't that much of a worry to me anymore to be honest; DD wants to work with animals, but not as a vet as she is squemish, so I have found a diploma course she can take at home, at her own pace, on pet psychology and another on holistic animal care. I know how well these courses work as I have a diploma already from home study, and am now on 2 more diploma courses.
My son is only 9 so has a way to go yet before he really decides what he wants to do, but the options are the same for him too - there are home study course for most everything now.
I agree wholeheartedly...a happy child, and therefore young adult is worth it's weight in gold. The academic achievements can come later if they are needed.

Hi all

Just to let you know that I've done it...I've deregistered the children so they are now officially home educated! The relief is enormous, and we've just had a 'sample' afternoon, doing maths and English and DS said 'I love maths...it's fun' - amazing as previously he had hated it with a vengeance! They are now sitting at the table, happily writing a story of their choice (not a subject dictated to them) and I've never seen them being so diligent. DD2, the 2 year old, is loving it too, as I bought her her own workbooks for maths and english (aimed at 3-4 year olds) and she sat at the table working away with me, and clapping herself every time she got a new star! So, I know that the novelty may wane somewhat, but it's a huge improvement already.

Well done!!

Im so happy for you, I can hear in your post that you know this is the right desicion.
Yes you will have good weeks and bad, but always remember a bad week at home just means they didnt get a lot done but they can always catch up next week whereas a bad week at school can do irreversable damage.

Be happy x