Making the decision to HE - parent or child?

[Snowrose1311]

Hi,
I've posted something similar on Mumsnet before, but am still struggling, would appreciate some views...

My 11 year old DS is not really very happy at his current school and hasn't been for 2 years. It is an independent selective day school. There is nowhere more suitable near our home. There are 3 secondaries, only 1 is decent but it's oversubscribed, I applied for a place there for DS but was rejected due to all places taken etc.

I have repeatedly offered to HE my son but he keeps saying no, he won't quit his school because now he's finally made a few friends there he doesn't want to lose them. I am paying a fortune in fees, which really doesn't feel great as neither DS nor I are thrilled with the school. But my main concern is of course that I want to see my son happy, not rushed & stressed & anxious like he is during term time.

I have repeatedly tried to talk / negotiate with the school to no avail. Friends / family have noticed how much happier DS is during the holidays. But DS won't budge because he knows he won't be able to see his current friends daily if he leaves, and in truth it will be hard to stay in touch as that school schedules the pupils' every moment, leaving little time for playdates with old pals. Possibly another factor is that he is finds the enormity of the decision too much (as do I!)

So the question is - should I make the decision for him and 'make' him give HE a go? Or, considering that he is 11, should I be listening to him & respecting his right to choose?

Trouble is, it's not a choice that affects just him, his demanding school schedule affects me greatly (I have to keep running him to extra compulsory activities / deal with his stress / assist with his way-too-hard homework etc), so if I let him make the choice he's effectively making it for both of us & this situation is making me unhappy as well as him.

I don't want to put myself before my son, if he was fine there I would swallow my feelings & live with it. It's also not about the fees, I'd happily pay the money if my child was happy but that's not entirely the case.

Do other people find the decision to HE this agonizing or is it just me? And WWYD?

I would get yourselves beginning to hook into the local HE scene - they'll still be having meet ups at half term and in the holidays. if he starts to see that there might be friendly people his age among HEers, then the social side of school is less crucial.

Hello OP

I don't think you should decide for him as he isn't a small child and how you handle this will make the difference if you do H.ed, iyswim.

We were a different situation as in dd was happy at school, but she still made her own decision.

We talked about the possibility for about half a term, explained what we knew and answered her questions.
It may take a while for your ds to realise that you wouldn't be doing anything wrong in deciding to H.ed, school is the natural default for education and the norm for the majority. he may feel strange and apprehensive about the prospect.

I second what ommmward suggests and find a local group to visit, so he can see that others too have decided to do this.
We only have a few round here and there isn't a group as such, but that doesn't bother dd.
Let him know he can keep in touch with the friends he has made and suggest sleep overs etc.

Do some research and find the obvious and less obvious pro's and cons and have little family meetings about them, but imo, it isn't a decision to rush into when they have attended school for some time.