hard to manage daughter- help!

[TinkerLula]

Hi all, I have 3 kids all HE from the start. My daughter, the eldest is almost 9 and for the first time ever I am not enjoying parenting her:( Shes always been challenging compared to her brothers, but recently I just can't seem to manage her at all. We've always had a strong bond, so its not that we're not close, we're very close. I find her behaviour so hurtful. She is rude, irritable, moody, aggressive. It started about 6 months ago, there was a possible trigger in that a good friend moved away. She has always been moody & struggled to control her emotions but it always felt like we were on the same side. At the moment I just feel like I'm fighting her all the time. She has tantrums every time I ask her to do something she doesn't want to do. She never laughs, rarely smiles & is very touchy sensitive. She has given up all her extra-curricular activities: dancing, Brownies, cubs and has also lost interest in her swimming lessons, though I'm making her go to those still.
I honestly don't know what to do. We went on holiday recently and it made no difference to her mood. She didn't seem to enjoy anything. I feel really upset this morning because she has gone to a friends birthday trip today and I wont see her till later this afternoon and we left on a row. I asked her to put suncream on & she screamed and shouted at me. Tbh, I probably shouldn't have let her go to the party for being so rude to me, but I let her go because I actually need a break from her & Ive never, never felt like that before.
She doesn't want to go to school and is happy HE, has good friends & is doing well academically, but there is a part of me that wonders if our relationship will continue to get worse if she stays HE. It is not the solution I want but am at a loss. She is such a controlling child, needs massive amounts of independence, wont do anything I tell her without a fight. Ive always thought I was a good parent but this is making me feel rubbish & that somehow Ive got it all wrong with her.
Please help!

You both sound miserable.

Might the "how to talk so kids will listen" kind of approach help? It sounds as if something has really upset her, but she doesn't feel able to talk about it.

It should be possible for you to ask "how about putting on some sunscreen so you don't burn?" and for her to say "no, I hate how it feels/smells" and for you to say "ok, I'll put it in your bag in case you feel yourself burning and want to protect your skin" without it being a massive battle, yk?

I'd ask her what she wants to do with her days (is she being a bit dragged from pillar to post with the younger siblings? Is she badly missing the best friend?) - maybe get the old best friend onto Skype regularly, or have her go to stay for a few days? That's a glory of HE - that you don't need to cram such activities into the holidays!

Siblings Without Rivalry might be another useful read - there might be hidden currents going on in those relationships that you could do with working out how to navigate.

I have the 'how to talk......' book, thanks for the reminder, I will try to find it!
Siblings without rivalry also sounds like a book that might be useful. This is an issue I think, but Im all out of ideas as we do 'cuddley nights', 'girls days out' & so I do make time for just her and me, but nothing I do ever seems enough for her:( so happy to read and see what else I could do.

She is defo not being dragged from pillar to post, if anything its the other way around & boys are being pulled about taking her places! But yes its the nature of HE that she spends a massive amount of time with her bros. I know she loves them to pieces but I also know she craves 'time for herself doing her thing'. Thing is that was the point of Brownies, tap etc but now shes ditched those, so its odd really.

She is missing the friend, but its awkward. The friend is a lot older and probably didn't see DD in quite the same way, but she had become an older sister figure. I will try to sort something as I think it feels to DD that this girl has just dropped off the face of the earth after seeing her every week for the last year and a half, which is a long time in a small childs mind.

This has happened before when we moved house & left a best friend behind. She does not like change, but house move aside, HE changes all the time! She does have a core group of good friends but her two best friends are boys and they fight over her! I think she is missing out on a really good girl best friend & I think she might have thought this older girl was that.
She isn't good at talking, she is not very open but I will try a 'cuddly night' tonight and see if I can get her to open up to me.

Could it be that you just spend too much time together?

I really don't know what to advise OP except to say we are going through something similar.
My dd is 10 and she has started being the most obnoxious child ever, she knows what buttons to press and it is a full time job keeping the discipline.

I think we have finally had a break through as she was taking her moods out on me and I feared our relationship would suffer, being together 24/7 sometimes needs a helping hand/ break.

It is strange a little bit of similarity but dds problems concern friends as well.
Is there somebody you could send dd off too for an afternoon/few hours a week. My friend has volunteered to do cooking with dd and dh has taken over maths and English which will give me a break so its not always me and dd.
I would tell her that an important part of H.ed is seeing friends and so far it has been really good with Brownies, tap etc. But now you are worried about her having friends and socialising away from family and has she any suggestions as to a way forward.
Do you think she may be worried about getting close to another friend and her moving away, so she is telling herself not to bother.
My dd did this, not with extra curricula activities but definitely the youth club.

I was all ready to say something along the lines of it being "just hormones" and hang in there because it will improve...

but then when you said she had given up all the activities she used to do, and that "She didn't seem to enjoy anything", I stopped short and wondered whether it might be more serious: could she be depressed, do you think?

Thanks for replies:)
Heels99, yep I do think we spend too much time together, but it worked when she did the extra-curric stuff. Ive talked to her this eve, spent all eve just with her sat on my bed trying to work it all out. She has come up with a couple of different groups she can try without me, they start in Sept so I hope one of those will stick and it might help.
morethanpotato prints, I will have a think about whether she could go to someone for a specific subject, cooking would be a good one actually. DD is a very emotional sensitive child & gets easily overwhelmed so it would need to be an adult she felt comfortable with, but good idea.
Saracen, yes depression occurred to me a week or so ago. Dh took her to the toilet at her normal time in the night (too scared to go alone) but she is always still pretty much asleep at this time & she was really snappy with him even in her sleep! That's when depression became a possibility & yes now you mention it, giving up stuff does fit in with that. Although I was thinking it was probably just hormone related.
So how would I go forward if it is? Do I see the GP? What might s/he suggest for a child? I don't want her on medication, what else might they suggest?

Hi, Tinker. Sorry you're having such a difficult time. If you are concerned about depression in your dd, you need to make an appointment with your GP and they should refer her to CAMHS. Nobody should prescribe medication at her age, so don't worry about that. Therapy - probably CBT - would be the recommendation, I imagine. CBT by a qualified professional can be very effective. Be prepared to wait for at least eight weeks to be seen by anyone.

Your DD does sound depressed to me - these phrases struck me: 'never laughs, rarely smiles & is very touchy sensitive. She has given up all her extra-curricular activities: dancing, Brownies, cubs and has also lost interest in her swimming lessons...We went on holiday recently and it made no difference to her mood. She didn't seem to enjoy anything.' Maybe her friend leaving has hit her hard. Perhaps she feels it as a rejection. You are a convenient punch bag, I'm afraid.

It might be a slow process for her to build up her self esteem again. It sounds like you are incredibly sensitive to her needs and are already doing all you can. She may be moody, but time spent one-to-one with you will benefit her, even if she doesn't show it. Look out for opportunities for her to mix with other girls (I'm sure you're doing this anyway). Don't give up on offering the extra-curricula classes as she may feel able to go back to these one day and they will give her an opportunity to make other friends. It's good that she already wants to try a couple of groups in September.

I hope you see an improvement in her sooner rather than later. It sounds like she's had a kick in the teeth with this friend leaving and needs time for her wounds to heal.

Thanks ToffeeWhirl, that was a really helpful reply:) GP appointment booked for this Friday so we'll see what they say. Thanks all for your help:)

Oh good, I'm glad it helped. My DS1 has suffered from depression, so I know the signs. I hope you get a helpful GP and that your DD gets the right referral. Let us know what happens.