teenager possibly between schools

[stilllearnin]

I am not sure why I am starting this thread except that I am confused and slightly overwhelmed by our situation. I'm in this section because you lot are always astute and kind!

My ds was home ed for 18 months. He is 13. We used Interhigh. He liked it but as a teenager he needed to be out and about more with other kids. Plus he especially wanted to do GCSE drama. He started at a local comp. From day 1 he was verbally abused and threatened with violence. On days 5 and 6 he was beaten up. He is broad minded and pretty street wise. He does stand out slightly because of this I think and that he does not get scared by bullies - so for eg when in his first lesson he was told I am going to f**ing slap you, he said 'I think you might!'. We thought his sense of self would make him ok. But to the bullies that is a red rag. The latest assault was because a pupil said he had made a racist remark to her. He had not and as he believes all people should be treated well, he is deeply hurt by this. This of course got round school and whole groups rounded on him.

The school said there were 'elements of bullying' and offered to put him in another half of the year so he would not be with the bullies. The pupil would apologise for lying about what him. DS was devastated. He wanted to take the offer but does not feel safe there. The discipline is terrible - swearing at teachers, in one case assault on a teacher etc etc (Gove was visiting and next door at the time!). He was there for 6 days and it was abusive from the beginning in and out of the classroom. I would not send dd there so why ds?

So, after a lot of deliberation he has decided not to go back. He has a great life outside of school. He is a musician and does loads of gigs, radio stuff etc and the festival season is upon us where he will catch up with like minded people. But he is extremely sad to say the least. He feels like a failure and he is lonely. And the real question is where do we go from here? Straight into another school - will it be more of the same? Home ed again but how (the local home ed stuff is aimed at younger kids)? He is the type of kid that would do well in a college environment but he is still only 13. He is planning to audition for a specialist music school but not for another year and he may not get in as thousands of talented kids don't. I need some support and ideas for short and medium term. sorry for my ramble - I am v tearful (so play nice!)

Oh sorry! I work but part time and often from home. He says he does not want to try any education again - but his last day at school was only last Friday so it is very early days.

Hope your DS is ok - the school sounds awful. Go and look round some other schools with your DS and see if you get a better 'feeling' anywhere else.

Have you both read the Teenage Liberation Handbook: Hod to quit school and get a life ? There's a free pdf floating around the internet, but I think it's a print book as well. That might really help.

The main thing is to emphasise the fact that he is NOT a failure - that is a bit like saying you dropped him off one night in some really rough part of Catford, and the fact that he got mugged on the way home is "his fault". He is not responsible for other people being uncivilised.

As for the social side: build on the music contacts he has. Those are the people to hang out with, social network with, skype with, whatever. He needs to think in terms of being pretty busy every day from 4pm until bedtime, and at weekends and school holidays, socially, and then the early part of each day being his quiet down time. (my children are younger but most of our friends use schools. Honestly, when the schools go back after the holidays we collapse in exhaustion for a week or two, because we've usually been busy all day every day with friends for the whole holiday period). How about doing an internship at the radio station, or for the people who organise the gigs? No need for any of it to be paid at this point, but this is the most astonishing opportunity for him to get himself really immersed in the industry he is likely to want to break into later, at a point where no one expects him to support himself financially. THink of it as a series of mini apprenticeships at a moment when he can easily change track if the activities aren't what fulfill him.

Find out whether any local colleges do take younger people, or maybe access/life long learning courses at local universities or through the WEA. He'd be meeting people of a variety of ages and walks of life, but they'd be unlikely to be abusive bullies...

Also, when is he 14? Colleges can now decide to take 14-16yos on their own (i.e. they do not need the young person to be on a school register to get the funding). You could try asking at your local FE and HE colleges.

thank you so much. He is 14 in January. Ommm I am being a bit silly really. He wants to go to school but he has contacts I could only dream of! Even if it was only the next few weeks or months he could at least spend time sound engineering in studios and at gigs - in fact he could sort that today! He's also got decent connections in the media/ radio side of things and he could sort out some kind of work experience - although it would mean traveling. We have always said do it now while the opportunities are there. Yes we have read the teenage liberation handbook. He could so easily live that way - but I have to be mindful that he wants to go to school (he is really stuck on getting GCSEs which I can understand to an extent). Maybe I need to understand why it was school he wants to go to. As we even have a way to access GCSE resources and exams for free and still be home-ed.

Sorry, i don't have any advice at all as such, I just wanted to say he sounds like a very focused and sensible kid- he is bound to do well once you find the right place for him.

My sister was bullied awfully at school by people who were the same age but alot less mature than her- she left and is now at college and doing so so well, so try not to fret too much, he will find his niche!

Just reassure him that he's not a failure. The only thing he 'failed' to do at the school was to cower under the bullies and put up with being treated like shit.

It sounds like he can find plenty of opportunities during the spring and summer, so I'd be encouraging him to do that and focus on the practical experience side for now.

Has he though what he wants for the future? Is he the kind of teen who you'd have thought would enjoy college or university? Or has he always been happier with his hands on something practical?

I'd always say it's worth getting a handful of GCSEs if you're capable, because it simplifies things later on. But he doesn't have to rush to do that now - college at 14, or the specialist music school if that works out would take care of it, or as you say studying independently.

The trick is to find ways to get the various things he needs/wants - if that includes GCSEs and more company, then those two things don't always have to be in the same place/time. He could study independently, so long as he's out and about doing music as well at other times.

next September he could join a GCSE course at your local FE college, but you might have to push a bit as admin staff are not always genned up on that

Aga

Oops again thanks so much. It's so hard when you are just churning it over by yourself. I'll need to reply later!

Sorry. Thanks so much for your messages. I've a lot to think about. He did a home town gig last night and ended up in the studio today with a quick collaboration based on his experience at school! I've also sorted for him to go to my parents who will tire him out with fell walking- which he loves!

So he is a writing/ academic sort and some sort of college is on the cards. Thanks for reminding me that studying and socialising/ having your own life don't have to happen in the same place. I think the thing now is to fill up the diary with stuff he can get out and about doing while we're still considering our options.

I don't know how to ask this but I had probably mistakenly assumed that college places for 14 year olds were for people that needed some basic GCSEs while studying for something vocational. That probably wouldn't suit him. Have I misunderstood who those places are aimed at?

still earning there is a 14 plus GSCE course at our (not very) local college and the class are a mixture of previous home edders, refugees from Steiner school, and those that could not get on with school plus a few immigrants. They do five GCSEs and can do something vocational or not as they choose.

Oh nigella that's well worth a look then. Also dot, thank you for the reassurance. It actually reminded me that I have no worries for his future/ job prospects as such. He is resourceful and good at talking himself into jobs (at 10 I found him on the phone talking to a website editor about writing for them. He submitted some work and then gig passes started to arrive in the post!) So the worry is really that his experiences now would knock that kind of self belief/ being open to opportunities out of him.