HEing when child wants to but you don't (also re. going to secondary)

[ImASecretTwigletNibbler]

DD is in Y6. She has been vaguely unhappy at school for years - we tried flexi-schooling which helped but she's now back full-time and miserable again. She desperately wants to HE but I really don't want to and I'm completely stuck. I feel dreadfully guilty because one's child should come first - especially if they are unhappy - but I think I would be very stressed & unhappy if I HE'd (for various reasons). What do you do when you think it would benefit your child but would harm you?!

I could probably do it if it were just for the rest of this school year - she is quite positive about going to secondary school but realistically won't she just want to carry on HE when we get to secondary age? I know loads of people HE successfully through the secondary years but I know that I couldn't/wouldn't do it. Would it be cruel or impractical to say she can HE now but has to go to secondary?

Hello OP.

Firstly, what are your impressions of H.ed, what do you think it will be like and why do you think you couldn't/wouldn't do it.

I'm asking because you might see it in a different way to what the reality would be like and have no problems.

If you research a bit and you think you could manage well there is your answer.
FWIW, I didn't think I could do it, or that it would work, but it seems fine atm.

Will check in soon but have to go now.

Thanks, morethan. I've looked into HE a lot and there are several reasons why I couldn't do it well. Firstly, my DD and I are quite volatile and she is exhausting to be with - when we tried flexi-schooling we ended up arguing such a lot and I found having her around me all the time was very draining. I know that sounds awful :( Perhaps we would find our groove with this but I really need the break from her :( You get absolutely no headspace when DD is around.

I don't really like the idea of autonomous education yet I doubt my ability to teach her (though I know it's not traditional teaching) and keep her focussed. When we tried to work through her maths books during flexi together it was a nightmare. And finally, I'm really worried about the social aspect and how that would be down to me to organise. I know the opportunities to socialize are out there but there don't seem to be many HE children that my DD could click with round here and I'm the sort of person who would struggle with being all 'Hello! I'm new! Can we be friends?!' And DD has just made such a good friend at school that I'm really nervous she would lose that friend, however hard we try.

But mainly I really, really couldn't HE at secondary level and I'm worried that she might find it even harder to settle into secondary if she's been HE for a few terms.

Hello, I think a lot of people (myself included) would say that having a child unhappy in school is not easy either and I found it exhausting. The decision to he or not can be overwhelming and so would it help to break it down as morethan suggests?

I really would not worry about the learning aspect. My ds does an online school (at a cost of course) that covers the NC so that is one way of doing it. He chose this because he is very busy and he did not think he'd ever do maths if he did not have a lesson to get to! Lots of people do a mixture of formal or structured stuff and other things the child is interested in. It does not have to be autonomous. Even in school it is easy to learn nothing if you really don't want to.

Socialising is very broad. Do you mean 'company', 'friends' or 'social skills'. Company is what my son misses. The others are not exclusive to school and often school gets in the way of this.

You are right to think carefully about your relationship and your own 'space' (sorry I am rushing and not choosing the right words). I am struggling with that and you already have experience of it that was not so great, for you at least. But flexi schooling might be different. I only know one person who does this and it seems a double edged sword. She feels under pressure to make sure her child completes the work before the school time starts up again. You would not have that with he. It sounds like you were trying to mimic school a bit at home (I may be presuming there), and again you would not need to do that.

Do you work outside the home? that may provide space.

Can you turn it around: what kind of education provision would you be happy with for your child? Then see whether that is achievable at home or at school.

Must dash - sorry. I hope in my haste I haven't presumed too much or misunderstood. There's great advice on these forums but they make me nervous!!

I agree with the previous posters. Look separately at each of the aspects which worry you and see if you can find a way to tackle it which both of you can live with. Other HE families will have faced many of the same issues and may be able to make some suggestions.

At a glance, it occurs to me that some of these challenges are ones which will be easier as your dd gets older, and also that she may be able to take responsibility for addressing them. For example, with a secondary-aged child you don't necessarily have to be with them every minute. You may be able to set them work or get them to do an online programme. When an older child really wants to be HE then ultimately it is down to them to make it work. You are there to help, suggest, facilitate, provide opportunities.

I have a few friends who are HEing in difficult circumstances, who regularly remind their children (in a calm moment, not in a nasty way) that HE is not easy for the parent at the moment and so the child has a choice between going to school or making HE work.

PS it is not at all cruel or impractical to tell your dd she can be HE for the rest of primary and then has to go to school for secondary. It's a question of whatever works. From her POV that would be preferable to not being HE at all.

If you decide to give it a try, just tell her straight that home education probably won't be forever but you will have a go this year. She may surprise you by finding ways to make it a better experience for you.

My son is 15 and doesn't like working directly with me any more, hasn't for a couple of years actually. Using tutors is one way around that as he's directed by someone (other than me) and they keep him on track. You can do that inexpensively if you use university students - we've had some excellent young people.

Bear in mind that your relationship issues could in part be due to her unhappiness at school. You could find things improve considerably if that changes.

Hello Twiglet

I was just thinking about your comment about head space, dd used to be quite demanding in fact still is at times.
It helps that I have dh around a lot who can back me up or take over or just moan at
Do you have a dh dp around to help out.
If mine is away working and I've had enough I will ask friends or gps round to help with any particular thing dd is struggling with, that I can't help with.
I also found that various family members will offer their subject strength every now and again. My dh step dad is looking forward to doing the physics side of science later this year, its his strong point and not really mine
I suppose I'm trying to say there are ways around your weaknesses and you play to your strengths.

We have also found the go away you are giving me a headache approach too. If I am bothering her too much and it isn't done in a nasty way she can request peace and quiet, likewise with me and dh.
I think it is good whether H.ed or not to have boundaries and know other people need space.
Today I told her to go away. She knew why was not offended and went and got on with something quietly.
You may find if you are together all day she will welcome her own space too.

Hi, just read through this and it looks like we're trying to convince you to he when your instinct says no! But that said my son is a talk at you type. He's 12 but with us having all day together he has got a lot better at getting his own personal space too. Also my initial reaction was tell her up front that it's just til secondary. She wont be behind and she may well accept it. A loverly long break may set her up for big school. Is there a way of making school better if that is your preferred option?

Just to say thank you all so much for your helpful replies. Haven't had a chance to reply yet but will do later today - much appreciated!

OK, some answers...

Socialising is very broad. Do you mean 'company', 'friends' or 'social skills'. Company is what my son misses.

I meant spending time with friends. I've got no worries about social skills at all, just that she loves just mucking about with her friends and that we might lose that.

It sounds like you were trying to mimic school a bit at home (I may be presuming there)

We weren't at first - in the afternoons I just said "go and research something that interests you" but we did get more 'school-like' as time went on. We were sitting down at the table and working through a maths book and I guess that wasn't the best idea.

You may find if you are together all day she will welcome her own space too.

Very good point!

Hi, just read through this and it looks like we're trying to convince you to he when your instinct says no!

This is the problem - my instinct actually says yes for her but no for me :)

Thank you so much everyone, this is really helpful.