Anyone else a mess but successfully home-ed? Am I kidding myself?

[Sparkletshirt]

I was all set to home ed but I'm having a massive wobble at the moment and I don't know what to do.

On the plus side, dh has a steady job, gets a decent wage for part time work and we have loads of time together and take dd out daily. The bills get paid and we trundle along. Dd (3) loves books and wants dh to read to her every evening for ages.

On the minus side - there's quite a lot so I am sorry, but this might bore you silly! Although dh is eager to he he doesn't see the point of sticker books, glitter glue, craft etc. He's getting slowly better if I explain things very clearly to him, but he's very negative at times and doesn't seem to understand that he is something WE do, not just me. He was a latchkey kid, no siblings, short tempered Mum at work/busy all the time and dad either at work or the pub because Mum would start fights with him all the time. Dh saw his friend last week, was in a rotten mood all day and later told me his Mum used to lose her temper and yell and hit him, 'not so it hurts but like girls do', so he doesn't seem to recognise that actually mentally this hurts him quite a lot. I have a history too, and all the stuff about grooming being in the papers just now is doing my head in. I went to the police a few months ago and reported a few things but they said no forensics, nothing they can do and it wouldn't get anywhere if I pressed charges. So I'm really stuck between huge paranoia about what would happen if dd went to school and huge guilt that she's stuck with grumpy and messed up parents.

Also while the bills are getting paid, we don't have the funds to go on holiday bar a few days in cheap hotels here in the UK here and there. I'm job hunting but had no luck so far.

Dd loves soft play and makes friends easily but we never see the same people twice. We met a lovely family we have loads in common with but they're not nearby and we found the local home ed group very unfriendly. We have no close family and I feel dd would be so much happier going to nursery and seeing the same kids every week. I feel like dd's really lonely with just Mum and Dad at the moment and we're failing her.

Does anyone else feel like this? What do you do about it? I know this little down patch will pass and we'll enjoy life again, but it always comes back again.

Could you try nursery 2-3 sessions a week and then the rest of the time at home with you? Would that give you a balance that you all might be happy with? If you are in England she could stay on at nursery til 5/ just after I think, even if her school year start school before then.
It might be worth a try and see if she enjoys it and what you think of it. It is much less time commitment than school and might give you a feel for what you would like to do in the future.

Two afternoons a week at nursery would be great for all of us I think. We'd probably do that if we could walk away at 5yrs old because school 9 to 3 five days a week would be too much. But isn't it really hard to start on the system and then opt out? If we tried nursery and it turned out it wasn't for dd, would we just draw attention to ourselves from authorities that are more akin to adding 2 and 2 together and getting 10? Some of the health workers we met during pregnancy were total space cadets and I worry LEA etc would be equally misinformed and ignorant. I'm not too sure dd would speak up if anything was worrying her or anything was wrong and she suffered unnecessarily. If she got bullied or was misunderstood I worry she would assume it's her, and not them iyswim, and that in trying to sort out problems I would make them worse.

Thanks for replying btw umbrella :)

I think you need to work through your issues of fear for your dc at school which could be unfounded and look at what you'd hope to achieve through H.ed
I think most people who decide to do it have some defined reason, that's what I have gathered anyway.
It can be a very positive move for the whole family but id both parents decide to H.ed as me and dh do, you need to be totally together about your intentions.
In your case he needs to know that it isn't something you can opt out of in the spur of the minute.
Saying that you don't need to take a formal approach with work books and such.
You have a legal right to H.ed and it really has nothing else to do with anybody else. You don't even need to meet with anybody from the LEA and you can refuse for them to meet your child. If they contact you it is important that you reply and give the info they ask for.
You have an annual review, my second one is due soon. I complete a form that asks me what sort of resources I use, what type of work we have done, I include anything and everything that has given a learning opportunity and know that some poor person is probably sick of reading after page 2.
I think its something you need to research tbh and be clear why you want to do this for your child.

There is an element of fear there, but there's the certain knowledge that for every really good, inspiring, professional teacher, there's three of them just killing time until they draw their pension. Then there's the way learning's killed in the class room because a subject you'd otherwise be fascinated by is poorly taught/forced on you before you're ready/makes you feel bad because the teacher tells you off for wanting to discuss it and they can't give you the time. Which is another factor, how can you learn about something if you have to share a teacher with 35 other people and you can't ask questions or discuss it? And then you're taken away from learning about it by something you're not at all interested in.

On the other hand, dd's great with numbers, so I'm trying to teach her the 2 times table,trying to make it fun, and dh is slagging me off, I'm boring her, he only liked maths while he was getting ticks on his homework and never used it since. And I'm saying yeah but dd's only 3, we have to think about sending her to school if we can't educate her because you don't seem to get it, and wishing I had enough money to leave him because it's so much easier when he isn't here. But then divorcing, living in a grotty flat and having even less money wouldn't make matters any better when to be honest it wouldn't annoy me so much and I could brush it off if my head wasn't being done in by things that are nothing to do with dh. Which then leads me back to thinking schools got to be better than Mum and Dad bickering all the time. Which leads me back to maybe he's going to argue about everything all the bloody time now because that's what his Mum and Dad did and he can't parent without doing that. So we need a divorce.

That was a bit ott that last bit. I'm sure he doesn't mean don't teach dd maths ever. He's certainly not adding anything constructive though.

It sounds to me like you are both HEing already, albeit in different manners. Your dh reads to your dd. You go out as a family. I daresay he talks to her and plays with her. It seems that his attitude is very autonomous, that there is no point in learning things for the sake of things, just what is needed for real life.

You, on the other hand, seem to have more formal, structured ideas about education, encouraging numeracy and pre-literacy with number games and crafts.

There is no reason why your differing styles can't coexist but you need to come to an agreement about it. You can't be undermining each other and bickering all the time, not least because it is bad for you and your dh and your relationship.

I hope you manage to work things out.

That's great Bertie, thank you, you've hit the nail on the head. That's all dh had to say, you're doing it too formal t-shirt.

I don't HE, just to start.

I wouldn't worry about sending your DD to nursery/preschool and not school later, the lea is unlikely to notice, let alone care! Lots of children move house around that age so they are not assuming all children in preschool will be going to school in their area.

In fact I think it's a nice time to do a bit of both. Preschool's attached to primary schools seem to be more about 'school readiness' than community or nursery ones, so I'd look at a few and get a feel for what you want or if actually it's definitely not what you want at all.

When it comes to your experiences as children it sounds like you''ve both had tough times in different ways, but you have a strong desire not to repeat this, and your partner doesn't Seem so bothered. This needs addressing, I really recommend seeking therapy. I've had it and found it really helpful in terms of me squaring my worries about my dds and us all living as normally as possible.

I agree on seeking some sort of therapy, you both appear to have problems from the past that need resolving. It all seems very intense when she is only a very small child, too young anyway for formal education. I would just enjoy having a 3 year old and get out and about in the community and join things where she will meet other 3 year olds like swimming lessons, Tumble Tots or similar. See how things evolve.
You appear to have a pretty depressing views of teachers if you think that only one in 4 is any good!

Therapy would be lovely, that's a really good idea TeWi I'll look into that. I think we've been tripped up so much in the past that we're scared of doing anything in case it's the wrong thing to do. They're not joking when they say they don't come with a manual.