Considering home ed DS1 (9)

[MagicLlama]

DS1 is 9 (Y5). Hes had a really vile last 3/4 years with contact problems with his dad, which finally resulted in no contact due to abuse 18 months ago. This has left him very insecure, lacking confidence and generally taking any sort of negativity very very personally. School were really supportive through the whole thing, especially when he disclosed the abuse to them and he always felt safe and happy at school, even when things were at their worst at home.
However at the start of DS being in Y3 the school appointed a new Headteacher, (old head retired after 20 odd years at school) and she has brought in a lot of changes - some good and some bad (imo). The whole school has become much more results orientated, and they are taking a much harder line with children that aren't making the results they want. DS is struggling with this, and despite me speaking to the teacher / school about how he is struggling, they still continue to pile the pressure on him.
I don't think he can cope. He is not sleeping at night, is tired & pale all the time, and the doctors have diagnosed him with anxiety !
I am debating HE him but we live in a very rural area, and the one thing he does like about school is his friends and I worry about the social aspect for him. I'm also self employed so concerned about how I will manage my workload alongside doing work with him.
There is also DS2 (8) who is doing well in school and is thriving under the more pressured environment they now doing, but I know all hell will break lose if DS1 is at home and he isn't!
I would appreciate peoples experience of Home Ed (I don't know anyone who does it) and some advice on the practicalities and places I could go for support.
TIA

Hi Llama, welcome!

What a pity that school is no longer a happy place for your son after the good support they gave him before. Still, I suppose you have to look at how things now are rather than how they used to be.

I am sure that in your circumstances there will be some challenges with home education. However, the way you describe your son's current state, home ed could hardly be any worse for him than school now is. I think you should take him out as quickly as you can sort out the practicalities, and only then turn your mind to how you will arrange things in the long run. It will take some time to figure out the details, but there is no need to have all your ducks in a row from day one. The sooner you can get him out of school, the better.

What has to be in place before you can take him out of school? Can you work while he is at home, or is childcare essential? And I guess you'll have to make a decision about whether you'll allow your other son to leave school now too or make him stay in for the time being - is that what you meant about "all hell breaking loose": that he will want to come out too and will object to being made to stay in school?

And now some ideas for the longer term...

You say you are worried about managing your workload alongside the work you will have to do with your son if you home educate him. You can set your mind at rest about that. There are many different styles of home education. We do no formal work at all, with the children just learning through following their interests. Even if you go in for a fairly formal approach, you will be surprised at how quickly you can get through things with one-to-one attention and work which is exactly right for your son rather than too difficult, too easy, or not engaging for him. When the LA sends a tutor out to a child who is unable to attend school, they only have to provide a minimum of five hours a week, which is usually enough to keep children caught up with their school class. It's a far cry from 30 hours a week at school!!

However, you may still find that your hands are full trying to do your work while having your son at home. You might be better off with some childcare just so someone can keep your son occupied and out from underfoot while you are working. I used to send my older daughter to a childminder while I worked from home because she was not the type of child to play happily by herself! That worked really well for both of us: she got her social needs met and had a bit of variety by going somewhere different, while I had some peace. She even ended up with the CM's daughter as a best friend. Does your sons' school have an afterschool club? Those are often run by independent providers rather than the school and therefore will accept children who don't attend the school. If you are eligible for the childcare element of Tax Credits, you can apply that towards qualifying childcare regardless of whether it happens during "school hours".

Friends... is it feasible to keep meeting up with your son's existing school friends after school and at weekends? Some parents who remove their children from school report that that works great, while others say that it isn't practical or that school friends' parents don't want to make it a priority to maintain the friendship. You could make contact with other home educating families in your area. Even though you live rurally, you might find that people are willing to travel to see you. Some kids are happy enough seeing friends only occasionally - it doesn't have to be every day. My teenager socialises quite a lot online as well as in person, so if your son likes Minecraft or other online games, he might enjoy chatting with existing friends that way or meet new home ed friends.

Hi Saracen

Thanks for your replies.

My main worry about pulling him out is if it doesn't work getting him back into a school. Hes been through quite a lot of stuff recently, I am almost am doing nothing in the worry of doing the wrong thing.

I agree though that it can't continue, its absolutely ridiculous and its obvious that at the moment hes desperately unhappy at school (crying in the morning when its time to go, stomach aches, sickness) He is achieving the average for his age, so its not like hes doing badly, but the school is pushing heavily for above average. They might be right in that he is not trying his hardest, and that he could do more, but my opinion is if its making him unhappy then I am happy for him to just do enough iyswim?

I can work whilst hes at home, im self employed, and although go to a clients 2 days per week, my parents are both retired, or he could come with me.

Yes DS2 is .. urmmm ... explosive. He will absolutely kick off about going to school if DS1 is at home. Hes currently enjoying school though so maybe if I could sell it to him in the right way wed get over it, but its just another stress if that makes sense?

Longer term ...

Ha he loves minecraft! We have to limit the time he spends on there, else hell be making worlds, blowing up creepers and the like all day long. That and flippen Pixlemon! He is quite happy to play by himself / read a book / draw etc, so I am sure I could get work done whilst he is around, its the making sure he is learning that I worry about and then if he goes back to school, say either secondary or college, or a job, whether he will have the knowledge he needs. He'd like to be an architect when hes older so he will need to get a degree if his plan remains the same.

I think his friends would tail off, hes got 2/3 friends rather than a large group. 1 of them we never see outside of school, as his mum is quite disapproving of me, and the other 2 I suspect would move on to friends at the school, as it tends to be an after school arrangement of them coming here until mums finished work.

He does do an activity which has the potential to make friends with, but hes quite shy and insecure so not sure how much he would put himself out to make friends, especially given that hed much rather be at home curled up by himself anyway!

Playing creative games on the computer, playing by himself, reading, drawing... those activities provide an excellent basis for an education. A number of families on this board (including mine) use a method called "autonomous education" in which the child decides what, where and how to learn. It works astonishingly well.

Given the choice, children typically do prefer activities such as those you have mentioned over more formal methods when they are younger, though some have a natural academic bent even when young. As they get older, they start to focus on their goals and think about what they need to do to achieve them. Often this includes formal academic study. But there is no hurry.

I fully realise this idea is difficult to swallow. Few people in our society have had the chance to see what children can achieve when left to their own devices. Autonomous education is a well recognised approach and many parents of young adults will tell you how well it has worked for them. I'm not trying to sell you this idea wholesale and I don't particularly expect you to leap up and cast all textbooks aside.

However, even home ed parents who prefer a more adult-led approach, and who do require their children to do some maths for 20 minutes a day, will tell you that most of their children's learning happens when they are not sitting at the table. The rest of the day is not "wasted" in reading and drawing and playing!! Try it for a while, and you'll see what I mean. Your son sounds like a curious, interested and interesting person. He will astonish you with what he learns during the times when you aren't teaching him.

As for socialising, if your son is happier curled up by himself then that is what he needs right now. Perhaps he is overwhelmed by the crowds at school and needs plenty of time alone. He may never be the life of the party - I'm not - but that doesn't mean he hasn't acquired social skills and won't continue to do so. Apart from anything else, he has you and his brother much of the time! When he feels a need to spend time with friends, you can look at ways to make that happen. Here's a cartoon I like about introversion which has been doing the rounds on Facebook: themetapicture.com/how-to-interact-with-the-introverted/ That's me in the hamster ball, LOL.

Look on education otherwise for local homeschool groups I've been suprised at just how many there are dotted around rural areas. Most counties in the UK have at least one such group simply because as state education becomes more and more fixated on sausage factory pressured teaching to the test, more & more children are becoming square pegs in a round hole.

Online school would free up some time when you could work without having to "entertain". As a single parent to an only with SN's, I've found it very valuable, as it gives me a few hours a week free to do my own stuff (work/study/housework etc). Briteschool.co.uk has a really effective primary section. Granny could be the adult in the house if needed a couple of days a week.

Home ed doesn't have to be forever either. I have a year 5 lad and have decided that we'll deffo home ed for yr5 & 6 but I'll put in an application for secondary along with his peers so that the option to return to school is retained. Perhaps this might be the way to go for you, and for you tor present it to your boys? Just as a temporary thing to start for the eldest in order for him to recover his mojo? It's sounds as if the eldest just needs the pressure dial wound down a bit.

Hello MagicLlama

I think your son would greatly appreciate some time away from school given the diagnosis of anxiety.
Some dc don't cope well under the pressure that schools increasingly have these days.
I agree that you may find H.ed a challenge but also think that anything new can be.
In terms of your other child perhaps he too will decide that he would rather be H.ed than school or continue with school. I think if you see how it goes first and then maybe give him the option too.
As others have said there are no requirements to do anything in particular and curling up on the sofa may just be what he nedds for now.
Then if you and he decide he needs something more structured then there are lots of free resources on the internet or work books from any good stationer.
I think its good to remember that it isn't set in stone and if it doesn't work you can always register again.
In regards to socialisation, we got all contact details of friends dd enjoyed working or playing with at school. Some of these weren't in her class or even school year, but it enabled us to keep in contact and friends for dd to play/hang out with.
If you live in a small village there will no doubt be several dc from the school you can keep in contact with.
Also, you could become involved with cubs, sports etc anything that takes his fancy.
The fact you are self employed is a bonus if you are around during the day. You could both be working at separate things/areas and it needn't be a problem as you really don't need to be supervising all the time. Even with a structured approach you can set some tasks and leave them to it.
I wish you and your dc well and would encourage you to keep posting your questions however trivial they may seem, somebody here will be glad to help. We have all been in your position, when starting out.