Is it time to HE?

[Yakky]

DS1 has been diagnosed with ASD/Aspergers. Formal diagnosis came when he was 9.
He has always had problems at school with his impetuous, lashing out before thinking behaviour. This has landed him in trouble on numerous occasions, with detentions at break times so he can't mix with the other children and possibly hurt them.
He has just started secondary school and I knew that this would either make him or break him. I hoped he would feel differently about school, as he literally had to be dragged out of bed every morning to go. Sadly, his behaviour has escalated and the school are contacting me on a daily basis with another incident, etc.
Parent's evening was awful as all they did was read out a long list of everything DS had done wrong. They said they were having trouble with lunchbreaks as they had nowhere to "put him" away from the other children. I offered to collect him and take him home for lunch but they said that DS would not see this as a form of punishment so not a good idea!
I am wondering if HE would be best for DS. He has made no real friends at school (but lots of enemies) so I don't think he would miss the social aspect of school. But I have no knowledge of HE at all and don't want to mess up his life altogether by taking him out of school. full stop.
does anyone have any advice?

Read Paths are Made for Walking, this weekend if possible.

Get that deregistration letter written - the school sounds like an utterly horrible fit for him.

And then spend 6 months or so chilling out with him, and watching your happy child gradually re-emerge from his shell.

Rewards and punishment are (IMO) a really really bad track to go down with a child on the spectrum.

Thank you.
I think I just needed someone to agree that I'm thinking in the right direction.

Yes agree with Ommm

Life is too short to put up with school days full of punishment and enemies.

And yes I agree about the book too.
"Home Educating our Autistic Spectrum Children : Paths are made by walking" edited by Terri Dowty.
17 different families each wrote a chapter on how HE works for them, and there are chapters on the legalities by an expert in HE law.

If you are on FB have a look for the group "Home Educating our children with special needs"
Do send a message to the admin if you apply to join.
You'd be most welcome yo join us there and chat.

This will sound odd, coming from someone like me who tends to consider all possible consequences before sneezing. But I think you should remove your son from school at once and then take the time to consider whether home ed is right. What about letting your son have a year out of school in the first instance, as a temporary thing, and then deciding whether to continue?

You've described a child who is miserable at school. You haven't mentioned any positives about school. You worry that home education might mess up your son's life completely. But even if your fears are well-founded, how much damage can be done in a year? Is a year away from school really likely to harm him much more than school is currently harming him? If home ed is not right for him, you can easily put him back into school later. At least you would then know that school is the right answer. What do you have to lose?

There are many good books and websites and blogs and people to talk to in order to help you make your mind up. And of course observing how your son responds to being out of school will be helpful. Exploring all of these ideas will take time. Is there any reason why your boy should have to continue to suffer while you figure out the best way forward?

The school seem to want to punish him for having Aspergers. I would not be sending him back on Monday. What is he getting out of going? If he's anything like my son with ASD then he will have interests he will want to follow up and learn about. Don't worry about the learning side of things, it just happens in a rich, nurturing environment.

Where are you in the country? Maybe join some Facebook groups for local HE ers and make some contacts for real life support. My son is soooo much happier out of school. He used to have no friends, constantly get into trouble, started self harming (at 5!) but now....ok, he still has Aspergers, but he has friends he meets in very very small groups, lots of adults to talk to/at and he doesn't see his Aspergers as a problem at all.

I'm not saying its a bed of roses, but, I know I'm saving my son from an utterly joyless life. Don't worry about anything at the mo but your son's well-being.

Thanks for the replies.
I think, for me, the main worry is not necessarily about his ability, or mine, to teach or learn, as he is very bright,but the social isolation worries me much more. Admittedly he does seem to always have had problems keeping friends, as his behaviour always seems to result in friends falling away. But by taking him out of school his social skills will become even worse, won't they? Won't the fact that he is HE make him appear even more different than his peers than he is now?

The school sound awful, wanting him to feel punished fro not coping with their hostile environment. Does your local authority not have a unit for ASD? It may be that the school environment is more appropriate there. I would be researching all your options in terms of a transfer as well as HE.

Good luck

TBH if he has no real friends at school anyway what is actually going to be any different from that aspect . You will probably find you have a happy child with no friends rather than a miserable child with no friends . Also as others have said you can then try to find a network of people locally that perhaps he could make friends with.

IME, people often find that being out of school makes the lack of social skills easier. ATM, your DS has to spend 30 hours per week in a stressful situation. In HE, You and your DS will be in control of what he does, when and for how long.

My (undiagnosed but with very clear AS traits) DD found it easier in task focussed groups (e.g. music, sports, etc.) - there is an expectation of everyone working to a specific goal and less of the "get into groups and do useful but not very specific stuff". It's also easier to manage when it is two hours a week of something, rather than feeling as if it all the time and unmanageable.

If you attend activities (esp if you go to a general HE group), you will be able to talk to him (or remove him) when you spot the signs of an impending meltdown.

If you do decide to stay with the school, I'd definitely take him home for lunch (and why on earth would you want him to see this as a punishment???) - it will provide a little respite in the day.

Socially HE could be the making of him. You will be able to ease his way with friendships, choose who to spend time with, develop one on one relationships. After a year of HE my son had one friend. Not great some MIT say, but compare this with NO friends after a year at school. 100% improvement. Now weve been H E ing for 20 months he has a couple of friends and a couple of aquaintances, plus loads of once adults who like talking to him. Seriously, school seems to be a dreadful place for children with ASD. I speak as an ex-teacher btw.

Why not make contact with some local groups? It may help alleviate that particular concern.

Sorry, iPad is making me look like a wally!
Should be 'some might say'
And 'nice adults' :-)

Thankyou all.
I really need to find out more about HE with regards to how best to go about this and what HE actually involves.