Daughter hates school, but she doesnt help

[salemsparklys]

My 14 yr old DD hates school, shes always had issues from being bullied because she has dyslexia, but she doesn't help as she will do things to try and make people like her/get attention I.E lies about things/makes things up etc.
We have moved high school 3 times, we moved out of the area half way through 1st yr, school she went too she got bullied badly and they just didn't seem to care, then to this school, who do care, but shes struggling badly and is lashing out at home because of this.
She wants to be home schooled, shes been asking for quite a few yrs now, but I felt that it was running away from her issues, but shes just text me again saying everyone hates her, she doesn't want to be at school anymore etc.

Anyone had this problem with their child? Did you stick at school or home school because of it and how did that work out?

Your poor girl. This must be really hard on her and on our whole family.

I have never been where you are now. I can only imagine it must be soul-destroying to keep trying to make things work at school when your daughter is set against it and seems to be making things harder for herself.

I do know many children who have come out of school because of being unhappy there. Most have enjoyed home education. Some say it transformed their lives,. Those who haven't liked HE, have at least found it useful to have a change, and have realised that there were things they did like about school and have returned to school with a commitment to make it work there. So I don't see that you have anything to lose by giving it a go.

The idea of running away from her issues is one I just can't relate to. Suppose you had been in a career for ten years which had always made you unhappy, and you decided to do something about it and change career. Would that be "running away"? Wouldn't it be a sensible response to an intolerable situation? Why is school different to all the situations we face as adults - relationships, work, etc - where we would not want to be forced to stay on for years after things were clearly not working?

Your daughter deserves to be happy. She thinks home education might help. It has to be worth a try. It sounds like you have already tried everything else to make school work, to no avail.

The issue she is running away from, is it poor socialisation skills? Do you worry she will never be happy or confident in groups of her peers if she doesn't face her demons and find a way of dealing with them?
If she does do HE what are the other options for finding friends and learning about social interactions?
Do you think she has the personality to make HE a success? Is she self motivated? Will she actually educate at home or will it be a huge struggle and a bit of a doss for her?
I have no experience of this but these would be my concerns.
Is it actually gong to solve the problem (if so, great) or just create new ones?

Thank you both. The issues are as soon as she falls out with someone then she wants to leave school, she told people she was self harming and when she was questioned by a teacher, she said the girls lied about it, this was in the first week of a new school, she later admitted she had said it for attention, few days later she was doing the same thing again, now no one wants to be friends with her. This kind of thing goes on all the time, I feel if she can not figure out a way to stop it she will be running for the rest of her life if things get tough.
We are in Scotland, so I can not just take her out, I need to prove its the right thing for her. The children next door are HE, I am not sure if she thinks they have fun all day as they are always out or off at classes/baking etc.
I think she would possibly struggle at home if it was something she wasn't interested in.

To me it's as simple as this. Some children just do not fit into the school environment. These children may carry the scars from being forced to fit for the rest of their lives and may well never achieve their potential because of it. My ds is one of these children, so is home educated, my dd on the other hand is in school and thriving. So school itself is not the problem, just some kids don't suit it. Do you think your dd may be one of those?

I don't really agree with forcing kids to face up to things. Ime I have achieved life experience and faced fears naturally as and when situations arose. I certainly didn't at school when I was scared on a daily basis. Why do we insist on doing it differently for our children?

I would let her give HE a try. At worst it's a break during which she can gain confidence without daily stress at best it could be the perfect thing for her and she could thrive.

"We are in Scotland, so I can not just take her out, I need to prove its the right thing for her."

You're right that you cannot just take her out of school, and that you need to follow the proper procedures. But the bar is not set very high. Permission to deregister should not be withheld unreasonably. It is not down to you to prove that home education is definitely the right thing for your daughter. It is down to the LA to withhold consent only if there is evidence that home education would not be in your daughter's best interests.

Perhaps your daughter is right in thinking that the kids next door are having fun all day, and that her life could be like that too. It isn't unheard of. Kids who are at school or being home educated do often struggle if they are being taught things they aren't interested in. One of the great things about home education is that you can follow the child's interests. Few topics are going to engage every single one of the 30 children in a school class. But you shouldn't have much trouble identifying topics which engage this one child! Give her some time to relax and get used to finding her own path, and she will discover passions old and new.

It sounds like she is dreadfully unhappy and it seems a shame for her problems fitting in socially to be damaging her education the way it currently is. Taking her out of that environment so that she can learn without all the drama seems like it would be worth a shot.

I think though you do/she does need to get to the bottom of her unhappiness and social problems if they persist. Not by forcing her to interact with other teenagers daily if thats too much for her at the moment. But perhaps considering counselling, going to her GP or her confiding in an older person who is sensible but who she trusts - maybe a young aunt/older cousin, etc.

For instance, I wouldn't be too surprised if she was self-harming, or considering doing so if she was talking about it. She may well be depressed rather than just a bit unhappy. There are all kinds of things going on for teens - my younger brother self harmed before coming out about his sexuality for instance. He found counselling helpful with other things too, about his social dynamics with friends and family.

School can be a pressure cooker in terms of social interaction, with small eccentricities or social mistakes amplified. Are there are other things she does, clubs/sports/interests where she could interact with people who have a similar interest, where she is only there for an hour or two at a time, where she could build up her social skills?

Given her age, you and she also need to consider what she wants in terms of qualifications and experience, what she'd like to do when she's an adult so she can work towards it. It might be difficult for her to think about her future when she's in "survival" mode just trying to survive each day of school, but something that she will need to consider.

Is home schooling a practical option for you as a family? I wouldn't consider that its running away from her problems - there are other ways of tackling them - such as attending counselling sessions to work on the root of her low self-esteem, working on her social skills by joining a group/class/club/team, and taking responsibility for her own education, figuring out her goals with you and working towards them with your support. I think you would have to be clear that it wasn't about giving up on either her education or her social skills - instead its an opportunity for her.

One thing worth pointing out here is that you have tried encouraging/forcing her to stick out being at school in the hope that immersion in the school social environment would help/solve the problems. But it hasn't, even with a new more supportive school. At the moment, she's not facing up to her problems or working on solving them, she's just existing, trying to survive, and that "fight, freeze or flight" mode is not good for learning, even without the challenge of dyslexsia.

I wasn't homeschooled. I went to school. I still ended up with huge social anxiety, depression and agoraphobia when I tried to go to uni that cause me to drop out on medical grounds and ended my formal education. I don't know if being homeschooled would have helped - my low self-esteem was partly due to my dad bullying me at home - but school wasn't able to prevent me from being socially inept just by virtue of attending. I kept my head down (generally in a book) and just got through the hard social stuff doing as little as possible, I'd say I was teased and felt like an outsider, but was lucky to have a few friends and wasn't targetted by any bullies at school for more than a few weeks.

Sorry about the personal tangent there. My point was, you are scared she's running from her problems if she leaves school, but I'm not sure that simply being at school is tackling her problems, she may just be trying to survive it and putting her head in the sand (not learning very much).

Whether you decide to homeschool or to try look at solutions that keep her in her more supportive school, please seriously consider finding someone she can talk to who could help her improve her self esteem and get to the root of her unhappiness - it is unlikely to disappear on its own.

I hated school aged 14, was bullied and my parents kept sending me. It was truly awful, like being in prison with a large group of people who hate you. Personally I cannot see how being repeatedly sent into that environment helps anyone - it certainly damaged rather than enhanced my social skills. I still hate being in large groups of my peers but luckily as an adult it is only rarely necessary - so why spend years of childhood practicing if it isn't helping? I am guessing Smartiepants79 doesn't home educate as the points she raises are those usually raised by people who don't know much about it - do some research, join Facebook, - the groups there are fantastic for support, start with mums eat home education, deschool and start a happier life.

If you don't home ed her, she, like me will probably HE herself without your knowledge, and the education won't be your syllabus.

No I don't home educate chocolate. My DC are only babies and I happen to be a primary school teacher who come from a long line of teachers. I was also very happy at school and have, so far, had no reason to be involved in home education.
However, I am not against it and if it is right for you/your DC then wonderful. I have had friends who have been HE and am not as ignorant as I feel you are suggesting. I am happy that it works for you.
I think my questions are valid ones. HE a 14 yr old who is already disengaged is not going to be easy. If she is not easily motivated, then what?
Obviously this is also an issue if she stays at school.
I do believe that it is a very big decision that should not be taken lightly.
Financially it simply is not an option for many families. It wouldn't be for mine.

I don't think that a child needs to have a particular personality type to make home education a success. If you meet some HE families and chat online you will see that it can work for all sorts of children. The key is matching the education to the child.

So yes, a disengaged teen who seems to have low self esteem may not be well suited to a rigid school-at-home programme which requires her to motivate herself to do things which she cannot at this time see the point of doing. I can see how attempting such an education at home could be just as unsatisfactory as school.

Fortunately there are many many ways to learn. The school-at-home style, which is what most people from a school background will imagine when they hear the words "home education", is just one of them. Read up on the subject and you will see that there are other ways.

Thank you Saracen for expressing that so well. Smartiepants, sorry I did not mean to imply you were ignorant, just that the points you raised would rarely be raised by a home edder and they are things that those who aren't HE seem to worry about a lot. I think sometimes being a teacher can be a disadvantage when considering home ed because it can be so completely different to school and that is very hard to imagine for those of us who were schooled, and even harder for those who were teachers. For example, I never require my son to do anything in the least 'school-like', I do not teach him anything, I do not use any sort of curriculum. Instead we follow his interests and have fun. This means the problem of disengagement does not occur as we only do things he is engaged with, that is our starting point. With a teen, after unhappy years at school, it would take a while for them to regain their natural love of learning but I would still think the most successful approach would also be one in which nothing is forced or required by the parent.