How important are family relationships to home ed? Sorry, long.

[NayFindus]

I'm not really sure if this should be here or in the relationships board to be honest. Dh and I had decided to home ed dd, she's only 3 in a few months, but I'm having serious doubts because I'm scared we'll isolate her.

Dh and I are both quite insular (I think that's the right word), his parents were always working so he spent large chunks of time on his own and I was an unwanted 3rd child and left to get on with it. My mother was quite abusive so I no longer have anything to do with my family.

Dh's mother is nearby, which is sort of nice, but she's a bit Hyacinth Bucket and oblivious to the effect she has on people around her, and he has 2 cousins a couple of hours drive away that stay in the same town. MIL is well intentioned - she says things I think to try and create competition between the family and drive them to do better. But because she is so completely oblivious to people's feelings, and the fact that people's feelings are important and ought to be respected, this sometimes backfires, so she does what she did originally to make the problem and lies through her teeth. BUT - on the odd occasion we all get together at birthday parties etc and all get talking she's either exposed or in danger of being exposed for the total wally she is.

So I think her solution is stopping the family getting together. Dh's cousin said they were having a birthday party this weekend which MIL says is not happening as cousins wife has started working weekends.

Dh is happy to go along with this as we're halfway through a load of work on the house.

I don't believe MIL and think cousins will be expecting us and will be upset if we're not there. MIL has a huge history of lying through her teeth fibbing to make herself look good and dh is pretty much anything for an easy life. I fear this'll be one wedge too many to overcome. Would dd be better off at nursery and school?

Thanks for reading if you got this far :)

What are your reasons for wanting to HE?

Would it be a good idea to ring the cousin directly to ask about the party?

I'm not sure how what you've said impacts on whether or not to home educate tbh. Has your DH spoken directly to his cousin about whether there's a party happening or not?

I was taught at home for about a year and do feel that it increased my own natural insularity. But now I think people are more likely to join home ed groups rather than just do things totally on their own, as happened with me.

Sorry to post and run, Curlew we want to home ed because I think school is a huge waste of time and talent in children. Yes we're going to ring.

Miranda I think if you're going to home ed honesty is essential to teaching so that's partly my problem. Seeing the tiny bit of family she has left twice or three times a year - I don't know. I don't want to lose that. They're all the family she has except us and MIL. And MIL's mental as anything.

If the only family around talk rubbish (MIL) or make excuses that it's okay to treat people that way (dh) what's that going to teach her? She will be mind bendingly lonely if she thinks it's okay to manipulate people and engineer false realities. I really feel that we need to keep seeing the rest of the family to dilute the bad influence.

I think you really need to separate the two issues.

Could you contact the cousins direct- then your dd could have a relationship with them separate from your MIL.

I would be worried, to be honest, about you saying that you and dp are insular- you have to work very hard at making sure HE children have a food social life, and it sounds as if you might be hard for you.

What do you mean about wasting time and talents? Could you say more?

I really think you'd have the same problems whether your dd is at school or HE. Are you worried that your MIL will have undue influence because your dd is at home? Then set limits on how often you see her. My parents would love to see the (HE) dc more than they do, but it has to be at weekends as they are so busy doing stuff during the week.

I think if you are aware that you are naturally 'insular' that's a good starting point, and you will have to make a conscious effort at first to go to HE groups and meet up with other families with similarly aged children so your dd has some social interaction. But soon enough (my eldest is now 7), there are plenty of activities where you can drop them off (including afterschool clubs) and you don't have to hang around making small talk.

Also, normal things like going to the park/library/shops and playing with kids there, or chatting to the librarian or shop assistant are good social opportunities for children.

At HE groups among the parents many different personality types are present, from the ones that chat constantly, to the ones that sit quietly in a corner and read or knit. The kids however all seem to play together and have fun, which is the main thing.

Maybe you should post in relationships too to get some advice on how to handle your MIL?
Good luck.

It is usually the first worry of anyone doing HE that the children won't be socialized enough. Yes they may have less contact with thier own age group but are not isolated from society provided you get out of the house. Home eders have a whole range of friends and relationships and this is a more natural balance, as seen in tribal societies.
The best ways of getting out are to join a HE group (who will organize activities) and to visit museums etc yourself. You will find your questioning child will want answers that can only be provided by staff and then the chatting begins. I find the best chats can be had with the older generations who are more patient (and more knowledgeable). To find own age friends, the easiest is to join children's clubs such as swimming, cubs etc.

I am famously not an extrovert yet I have no worries about my ds who is far more outgoing than I and has formed his own friendship circle. Interestingly he had no friends when at school and never went round anyone's house or invited anyone here. No I tell a lie, he did have one friend which he lost when the school reshuffled the classes to encourage socialization - Ahem.

What maggi says.
Also, just to add that there is a reason why both you and your dh are introvert, this may not be the personality of your dc.
I think if you intend to H.ed you should do this irrespective of what others may say.

Thanks for all the replies. Yes socialisation is a very big worry, we joined a local home ed group which will be great when she's older, luckily there are lots of other home edders out there.

curlew I've read on this board that school children off longterm require only 5 hours one to one tuition as it's so much more effective being a classroom. There are so many subjects at school that you sit through not learning anything because you're not thinking 'how does the body/volcanoes/the weather work' in the first place, and when you are thinking these things you can't ask and find out about them because you're in school, so have to sit down, be quiet and do what you're told. I believe this actively discourages learning.

Sorry have to run thanks again for replying x

Hello again, Fishlegs you're spot on, we're out most days, she loves playing with other children in the park or at soft play. She sees MIL once a week when dh takes her over and I'm really worried that with so few close influences she will believe that this is what you do, you play people off of each other and then lie about who's doing what. I can see it in dh's behaviour, he is a wonderful person but he has real trouble seeing situations for what they are because his dm makes out things are something other than the way they are iyswim, so when he processes information it sort of gets mangled into something it's not. Words have little meaning for him and it makes his life harder than it has to be but he cannot see it. I know that sounds like a load of psycho babble, if I can think of a good example I'll post one.