Hates school, but think he might hate HE too :-(

[onceortwice]

Ds started at school at the start of September. He screams every morning going in and is out like a bullet on an afternoon.

He is 4 and has HFA.

Got to the point yesterday that I actually printed off the deregister form.

I bottled it, though, as I don't have a plan on what I WILL do. We had a tutor here previously and he gave her hell too, refused to go to the classroom etc., plus, even 2 hours a day is not going to be financially viable.

DS is incredibly manipulative and likes to feel in control of situations. I know if he were home with me all the time, we would slip back to him doing exactly what he wants or he would fight about it.

The school he is in isn't right. It isn't. It's max'ed out re. kids. The school are actually hoping he doesn't get a statement because it will cause them a real headache to fund it but I'm really worried that HE will not be right either.

Feel like I am losing my mind.

But how is he doing once he is in school? Have you asked his teacher how he's behaving and if he is happy?

Yes, I spoke to his teacher and HT this morning.

They agree that this school probably isn't right, DS likes parts of the day, but dislikes lots of others and refuses to eat there. But, they feel that school, per se, IS right. I suppose the most positive thing they said today was that he is doing better than they expected him to. Not really a great 'best' statement is it?

That's why I didn't deregister him today. I don't have a plan (or a clear idea) that he would be happier learning at home. He would definitely be happier being at home, but I think he would rail against any attempt to define his day.

I don't think I have the energy to plan a day and make him stick to it, so am worried that he would grind me down so we were only doing the things he liked, and only when he likes doing them.

Don't have a plan, let him decide what he wants to do.

If you did consider HE then have a look at automonous learning. It is pretty much where you let them do what they enjoy and trust them to learn what is valuable to them (which hopefully means all the important life skills). Your job would be to expose him to wider things than he might come up with on his own. You can bring things like reading, writing, maths etc into any subject or interest - it doesn't have to be explicit.

Not ideal for everyone (and not really the way we HE ours), but maybe a good option for your DS.

And remember he is very young - maybe a few years of HE would set him up and then he could reintegrate into the school system - it is not a once in a lifetime decision.

Also maybe investigate other school options in the area - because as you say, this school doesn't suit him at present.

Colleger - He chooses sitting in the play room or my bed watching TV

He enjoys a lot of other stuff, but I have to force him to try it. He can manipulate me so easily that I worry that we would just be back to sitting at home because he doesn't like the idea of going out.

For my sanity and his, I have to be clear about what we will do.

I don't feel I can just let him lounge around because that's what he wants to do. He also wants to eat nothing but pickled onion monster munch and play his IPAD till midnight but I don't let him do those things either.

I think the thing to consider is whether "him doing his own thing" is such a bad option. Did he pick up things like numbers and colours? Does he get interested in things and focus on them? If so, there's a fair chance that, just by doing his own thing, he would absorb information from the world around him. He might do that in a very patchy way, and you certainly wouldn't be able to tick his achievements/abilities off on some school curriculum chart, but children are learning all the time if they have things/people around to pick them up from.

You don't have to define his day, or plan what he "ought" to be learning. Do have a look into the whole concept of autonomous learning. I haven't done it myself but others on here have, and their children have come out with the skills and knowledge to do whatever they want with their lives. It's a scary idea, to let children decide what they are interested in for themselves, and not push an agenda of what you think they should be spending their time on. But it does work.

He needs to do that for a period of time until he gets bored rigid. I was like you up until last week and now I've seen the light and it's beginning to work and he's showing interest in lots of stuff. Let him have a vacation this week and during this time you need to buy books on HE, autonomous education and the Teenage Liberation Handbook. Overnight, that book has changed my life and it wasn't for me and I don't have a teenager. I fought against all the posts on here and paid lip service to them. I should have listened...

You can let him do what he wants to do within limits. You are the adult - you decide to limit certain activities. You can also offer choices - ok today we can do x or y - which do you want to do DS ? It gives him the control within limits.

I guess though, until you try it you won't know, but you do know what is happening now is not ideal - would trying something different be worse ?

Also remember he is only 4 - we start formal schooling with all those associate expectations rediculously early in this country.

When you say the school is hoping he won't get a statement, does that mean that at present there isn't any provision for 1 at school?

My own view - and of course I'm not in your shoes but I did/do have an extremely self-willed/strong-willed child (now 19) is that you pick your battles. Not staying up till midnight is probably a battle worth winning. As is brushing teeth and eating a very slightly varied diet. And maybe getting some fresh air from time to time. The rest is...less important than it might seem at the time.

Thanks Fiona. Goodness, self-willed / strong-willed sums my DS up completely. What did you do about schooling for your DS?

DS doesn't currently have a statement, no. The school have a bulge class in nursery and another in Reception. And another in Yr 2 AFAIK. The school is RAMMED. They SHOULD have 330 children max. They DO have 420 children.

I've never felt more sorry for a group of teachers than the teachers in DS's school. They work SO bloody hard.

My child is also very, very strong-willed but we haven't argued for three whole days now and there has been no shouting in the house!

So, Colleger, where was your son (I have a feeling you know alot of top private schools?) and where is he now (am guessing at home)

My son was at Purcell, which is a music school, but he'd been at top prep schools. My eldest is at Eton and I intend to give him the Teenage Liberation Handbook!

I would heartily heartily recommend an autonomous approach with a child on the HF end of the autistic spectrum.

We do nothing whatever that looks academic. Nothing. At any one time, I've had something on my mind which I am hoping the child will move towards achieving - eating a wider range of food; being able to dress themselves; not having massive sensory meltdowns every time we go in a supermarket; independent toileting; independent sleeping; riding a bike. At the moment it is swimming. So I invest a certain amount of energy in going swimming with the children and (so far unsuccessfully) enquiring about swimming lessons that might work for this particular child. And while that's going on, there's a whole independent thing going on which is ending up in self-directed and encyclopedic learning about dinosaurs. Or about Tom and Jerry (it's a great way to learn cursive script, copying out the letters to Jerry when he has his cousin to visit... that shut up my primary teacher friend sharpish :o). Or whatever it is.

The academics just come - they do - these children are so bright, and they will gravitate to ways that they can learn easily - repeated viewings of DVDs with the closed captions running (that's how I discovered my daughter could read - because she was fluently reading aloud the descriptions on the closed captions); iPad; google searching. I'm actually a really big advocate for a lot of screen time for a HFA child, because it's a safe and stressfree place for them to soak up learning.

And then you can put your energy into providing opportunities for your child to grow in social confidence and physical confidence and all those things - find trips out that the child likes; do them repeatedly (because of course the child will be very happy with that prospect!). Learn to communicate with them really effectively; help them learn to communicate with you effectively - what better springboard could there be for going into society more widely?

Go for it! And if you live in the south west, you are welcome to come and hang out with us :)

Oh... Don't think Purcell would be right for my son, but you are not too far away from us.

My DD and DSDs go to Berkhamsted. (so, a bit far from you, OMMM)

I guess I just need to a lot more reading about how these kids learn.

I think I should give it till half term (which was the original goal). It will give me time to work out how we are going to do this and also let me see if school offers any benefits. I am thinking: If he makes a friend, maybe it's worth considering but if he doesn't... then the 'social interactions' are a bit meaningless, because he's not socially interacting with them.

How old is your son, Colleger

He's Year 7 and we've wasted a huge chunk of his life at school - silly me! The other is 14 and he's wasted even more time but not sure I can get him out now. :(

Do read the book I mentioned because eventhough he's not a teenager the first 130 pages are relevant to everyone.

www.arvindguptatoys.com/arvindgupta/teenlib.pdf

I absolutely will. thanks.

He is only Reception now, so I think we will make it to half term, but I do just feel that school isn't 'right' and I feel a lot more confident that I don't have to make a 'school day at home' for HE to work for us.

Funnily enough, DD is LOVING Berkhamsted. Just loving it. She is so cut out for school (As my DSDs are too).

My son is 4 too, he has major sensory issues, is very very strong willed and definitely has some characteristics on the AS but I have not taken him to be diagnosed as I don't want that right now. We have kept him out of school as I am sure it will not be right for him. He starts to scream and wants to leave after about 45 mins in a group of people. I plan to be completely autonomous for at least 2 years and probably beyond - in Scandinavia they don't start formal schooling until 7 or 8, and there is no evidence our early start gives children an advantage - quite the reverse. My son plays Angry Birds, watches TV (the same DVDs over and over), never writes, doesn't like books except at night, does 'where's wally?', cooks, goes to the park, visits places with me and his sister, plays with Lego - all when he chooses to. I don't make him do anything except brush his teeth and go to bed at some point. We used to have a lot of fights, life is much more fun now as we are surrounded with 'yes-energy'. It is really worth looking into autonomous education, but you need to be prepared to have all your assumptions challenged. It is really exciting.

My DD has AS traits (never diagnosed because I EHEd from the start and didn't need a diagnosis). We never "schooled" thoughout EHE - instead, we did living. We cooked, painted, made gifts for people, watched DVDs, sang, went to EHE groups, etc. My main aim was to ensure that my DD would grow up to be a person who could cope in social situations. Autonomous home-based education meant that we could do what we needed to achieve this.

She now lives in a student house with three others and is just about to start her third year doing law. I think autonomous EHE worked for her.

What is EHE?

EHE = elective home education

SDeuchars that sounds amazing. Your DD has done very well...obviously so did you!

A friend of mine on the spectrum...he was HE and he is now a highly respected editor at the BBC.

He hated school...hated the lessons and the routine...his spare time was spent writing copious amounts of scripts as a child so his parent's just thought "Bugger it...school's not for him."

Hi again onceortwice

Well, my son never went to school or nursery for that matter. He and I are quite evenly matched because I'm a control freak too so I entirely empathise with his being very intense, getting stressed out and needing to be in charge of everything etc. My mum's favourite saying was "cheer up, it's not the end of the world" which I could never understand because everything WAS the end of the world.

I read lots of books to my son, he drew pictures and made up stories, we did lego, went to the park and to museums, dragged ourselves to the local home ed group which was always a bit fraught...

He turned out pretty well though. This is his website which is near the top of google for "theo banjo" tpn.lowtech.org/