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Home ed

Find advice from other parents on our Homeschool forum. You may also find our round up of the best online learning resources useful.

Flip

Original poster

4 year old started school but not settling well

22 replies

florriedorrie · 14/09/2012 16:09

I posted a message a week or two ago about the fact that I was having doubts about sending my ds to school (only just turned 4). We decided to give it a go at least, but he refuses to go into the playground because of the big kids and although he's been having lunch there for the past few days and i pick him up at 1.00 he hates the dinner hall. He screamed and cried going in today and I refused to have them take him off me as he was so upset and so stayed a while to see if he'd settle. As soon as I said I had to go and tidy up at home etc. he was inconsolable with grief and begging me to stay.

I phoned when I got home after crying all the way home and they told me he was fine. When I picked him up he was ok but said adamantly that he doesn't like school and won't go again. To top it he's been sent home with homework. It's enough just getting him there at the minute.

The petrol has cost me £30 this week as its about 10 miles away and I'm wondering if it's all worth it if he really isn't happy or ready being away from me. I suppose my gut feeling is that I'm not a lover of school, and home ed' my other two dcs for a few years.

Question is, how long should I give it at school? I think he just isn't ready to be away from me yet, although I don't want to mess the school around as they've been so helpful and kind, and I obviously want to do the right thing for my ds. I'm not working at present, have been a sahm for a while so it is possible to home ed him.

Any thoughts, as I'm going round in circles wondering what the best thing is to do.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

ommmward · 14/09/2012 16:35

Well, you're hardly going to get an impartial response from me (smug home educating bastard)

All I will say is: what would he have to do to persuade you to take him out and try again later? Seems to me that he's doing just about everything he can to communicate to you that he doesn't want to be there, so I'd listen to him in your shoes :) He'll either remember that he was forced to go to school though he hated it, or that his mum hoicked him out because he was miserable. I know which memory I'd prefer my children to have of me!

Original poster

florriedorrie · 14/09/2012 16:43

Ommmward, hi! I really think I wasn't looking for an impartial response, and have been looking for someone to say "take your little darling out if he hates it". So thank you for that! I too was a rather smug home educating bastard when my other dcs were at home, because they were so happy all the time. Life was so ruddy easy despite the job of educating them.

All I have is homework staring me in the face and the thought of him being dragged away from me again on Monday. Ruddy, bloody schools!

OP posts:

catnipkitty · 14/09/2012 16:51

Homework??
I was never happy sending my far too young girls into school, but they never cried like your DS does, or clung on to me, and I think if they had done I wouldn't have been able to stand it and would have taken them home. Most school parents/teachers would say he's just go to get used to it...he'll settle eventually...he's always fine once you've left etc etc. I used to believe all that crap stuff but now I see it from the point of view of the child.

Basically what i'm saying, with experience of school and home ed, is keep him at home. You can always rethink in the future. Go with your gut instincts. I wish i had done. best of luck
C x

julienoshoes · 14/09/2012 16:52

what are the advantages of keeping him there, the ones you thought of when you decided to give it a go?
Do they still apply in the face of his real unhappiness?

I wish I'd known of the option to home educate when my son was expressing the same unhappiness in his first year.
It wouldn't have taken years to undo the damage if I'd known and taken him out then.

so whole heartedly I'll say

"take your little darling out if he hates it"

Mama1980 · 14/09/2012 16:55

No impartial response here either I home ed my 4 year old son and am very happily playing and going out all week while many of my friends have these issues. I say always trust your instincts. My mum is a head teacher and she says it takes about a term for children to settle usually the screaming and crying isn't unusual and I'm fairly certain it will get better the question is whether it not school is what you want for your son.

morethanpotatoprints · 14/09/2012 18:16

Hey, all mine have been to school and I'd say keep them at home if you can. Especially as you have experience and know what it entails. Likewise wish I'd known about H.ed and kept mine away.

cece · 14/09/2012 18:23

I am a teacher and it is true. They really are fine once mummy has left them.

Original poster

florriedorrie · 14/09/2012 18:45

It is now nearly 7.00 pm and he's said "I don't like school, I don't want to go anymore" about twenty times in the past couple of hours. I've told him not to worry and that we'll talk about it. He's absolutely exhausted and has been crying on and off since he got home, and he is usually such a happy boy. Thanks for your good advice everyone. We shall have to have talks over weekend.

OP posts:

flussymummy · 14/09/2012 18:59

Take your little darling out if he hates it. You know you want to!

exoticfruits · 14/09/2012 19:00

I would say that he is just too little and not ready yet.

Scout19075 · 14/09/2012 19:48

I would beg to differ, cece. As a former teacher, the university semester I student taught I worked in a kindergarten (essentially YR here) and there was a boy who was repeating kindergarten (yes, REPEATING KINDERGARTEN, the year that's meant to be fun and games and play) because he wasn't ready the first time round and even during the second year of kindergarten still struggled with being there/the separation. He didn't have any SN that I was aware of and because he was repeating the year was the oldest in his class by a mile. I often think of that poor lad and wonder how he is now.

Scout19075 · 14/09/2012 19:50

Sorry, pressed post too soon.

I would say take him out and if you really want try again later but for now why put DS (and you!) through the struggle.

Original poster

florriedorrie · 14/09/2012 20:08

It seems so sad as he has been such a happy little boy, always laughing and chatty, and he's only been at school two weeks and he isn't sleeping well, talking in his sleep and keeps waking calling out for me. Even if I wanted to try again on Monday I really don't think I could even get him in his uniform. Luckily hubby is supportive whatever.

What seems ludicrous is that although they know he's really found it hard and has been very upset, they still send him home with homework, sorry home LEARNING. I absolutely do not agree with giving reception children homework. But I guess that's another issue entirely.

I really appreciate all your comments, and for taking the time to read my post and reply. I think I know what we'll be doing Monday, and it 'ain't involving him being unhappy.

OP posts:

Original poster

florriedorrie · 14/09/2012 20:14

I meant to say Cece, I picked him up at lunchtime and saw him in the playground sitting on a bench with a TA comforting him because he was crying for me. I was also told by an older girl at the school that he'd been crying on and off through lunch the day before.

So I unfortunately have to disagree that they aren't always fine when mummy leaves.

OP posts:

Original poster

florriedorrie · 14/09/2012 20:20

Sorry, also, can anyone tell me. Would I need to send a deregister letter to the head or can I just request that we defer for a year to give us some breathing space? I ask this as he's already physically started school. Perhaps someone knows the answer? Thanks. I would rather write to them as if I phone I know she'll disagree and try and persuade me to keep trying.

OP posts:

ommmward · 14/09/2012 22:26

you'll find form deregistration letters on the education otherwise site and probably on Fiona Nicholson's Ed Yourself site too. I think you probably do have to send a letter in because of him being on the school roll, but others will correct me if I'm wrong. I strongly advise writing it first thing tomorrow and showing it to him "instead of sending you to school on Monday, we're going to take this letter in, and then that's the end of school until you feel ready to try it again next year or when you are bigger"

Original poster

florriedorrie · 15/09/2012 00:03

Thanks Ommmward. I don't think it's worth, or should I say necessary to defer his place really as it's such a small school and places are always available should we wish to try again in a year or so, so will send in a deregistration letter to the head. Thanks for your help!

OP posts:

lindy20 · 15/09/2012 07:31

To tell you the thruth i think 4 is too young to be going to school....home ed would be better .........thats my answer simple.......

picnicinthewoods · 15/09/2012 10:48

We have recently moved to a new area & went to our first HE groups this week where we are now living. I know its early days but Im disappointed by the other kids behaviour. One group had some great activities, but we couldnt hear any of the instructions because all the kids just talked through it & none of the parents stopped them. They then all behaved like a bunch of hooligans in the play park. I was embarrased to be amoungst the group. Their was no supervision. I felt the kids had a 'I can do whatever I like' atitude.
We then went to another group and there was an activity where the kids were instructed by another adult & parents were watching from a distance. My DS was crying because he wanted me near & the other kids were whispering and laughing at him (according to my son). I told him not to take any notice, and he said he wasnt going to. He struggles following instructions in a group & is often doing something different to everyone else. I know kids will be kids, but it was just so disappointing.
The area we lived in before, the kids were so lovely to each other. It was like being part of one big family.
What are your experience of HE groups? Please dont tell me this is the norm!

picnicinthewoods · 15/09/2012 10:49

ooops that message was meant to be a new post!!!!!

EdMcDunnough · 15/09/2012 11:05

He's not ready...imo.

A child who is ready will sail in there, smile when they come out, and tell you what they did.

And won't have bad dreams or talk i ntheir sleep or say over and over again (though maybe once or twice!) that they don't want to go any more.

Mine both love school, I have no idea why, I bloody hated it - I cried for solid days, not just five minutes but I sobbed and felt seriously depressed for the entire day, for probably a week at least, when I started. The teachers knew this and just got on with it - I don't know what they told my mother, but she was young and didn't feel able to stand up to it all.

After that I coped, but it manifested in very anxious behaviour and feelings which have tbh never left me.

I just wanted to go home. If someone had listened perhaps my life would have been very different.

I've always offered to HE my children which is perhaps why they don't mind going to school - it gives them the option, they know if they dislike it, I'll not send them. If they had had the sort of symptoms that your child is having, I'd not have hesitated to withdraw them as I know how bad it feels.

Good luck, well done for taking him seriously, he won't be stuck at home all his life - in fact that'd be far more likely if he was ignored and forced to repress his upset. Let him find his own way.

chocolateicecream · 17/09/2012 16:09

Hi florriedorrie. I am sorry that you and your little boy are having such a difficult time.

I just wanted to share my daughters experience with you. My dd seemed to enjoy her first week at school (half day sessions) then things rapidly went down hill from there. She has an October birthday so was one of the eldest in her school year.

Her behaviour changed and she became covered in eczema. It was a nightmare to get her out of the house every morning, and when I collected her from school she looked miserable. Her teacher said that she seemed fine at school. I could see that my little girl was changing, it was like she was on a roller coaster every day. She would kick and lash out at me.

after managing a term in school she lost the plot one day when I dropped her off. After that I took her out of school and de-registered her. It took a while for her to get her time at school out of her system but the eczema soon cleared up and things have gone from strength to strength.

On reflection of her time in school I do wonder if I had of kept her there then how different of a child would she be today. At Cece, children can appear to be coping at school when on the inside they are desperately unhappy. That's what was happening with my dd, holding it in at school and letting go when she was with me.

Before putting her in school I was keen to home ed. but worried about what other pp would think, esp. family members. Now I really don't care one little bit about other people's opinions, my focus is fully on my dd. I am rambling a bit off topic here but florriedorrie good for you for supporting your son and making the decision to de-register him.

Flip