Might remove ds from school.

[Shazjack1]

Ds is having a terrible time at school. 11 so just moved to secondary school and it's making him ill. Full blown panic attack in the car this morning so couldn't get him into school again for the 2nd time since start of last week. Would taking him out completely and home educating him be the better option? Can't bear seeing him like this. I have the time and would rather enjoy it. Dh is enraged that I'm even contemplating it.

hello
Has this school panic always been there or is it the transition to secondary that has thrown a spanner in the works?

It depends what you think is better for him in the longer term. If you only want him to be out of school temporarily then be aware that if someone who is anxious stops doing the thing they are anxious about then it cam make it MUCH harder to restart it at a later date compared to if they soldier on and work through the anxiety.
If you want to home school him long term, then no problem.
I'd suggest speaking to the school ASAP and ask them to put an urgent plan in place to support your son with managing his anxiety in the school and maintain his attendance, if you would prefer him to stay in school. Talk to your son and find out if there are any specific issues that need dealing with and that the school can help with.
Good luck.

Both of you have to be on board and positive about homeschooling to be able to make it work.

As far as homeschooling goes, we took our unhappy dd out of school and it was a very positive thing for her academically and emotionally.

I would take him out. Help him solve whatever is making him panic. Then revisit whether he should be in that school again, or another school. Or whatever.

Ask your Dh: if someone was having panic attacks on the way to work every day, might that be a sign that that particular working environment was not a good fit for them? And wouldn't we be encouraging them to get out of that working environment right now, with GP note to sign them off sick with anxiety. After a while, the person would revisit whether work was actually the problem or whether they needed to quit that job entirely. Why would this be different just because the person in trauma is 11 years old? Does that make the panic attacks unworthy of being responded to as a serious cry for help?

Thanks. I'm going to speak to dh again tomorrow about it but hes being so stubborn about it. I'm attempting to drive ds and friend in tomorrow, maybe having the friend there might make him feel a bit more secure. I'm not putting him through this for much longer.

I took my DS1 out of secondary school to home educate, but only after we'd tried everything to keep him there. We worked closely with the school, CAMHS and the Educational Outreach Worker to ensure that DS had as much support as possible. The professional advice is always to get the child back into school as soon as possible. I think this only works if school is actually an environment that they can adapt to. My son couldn't - it made him ill - and he is much better now he's at home.

How was your DS at primary school? My DS had already had issues at school, so it was not a surprise to us when secondary school proved difficult for him. If your DS has always been fine till now, that suggests that it is either the transition or the new school itself that is wrong for him, rather than school in itself.

Before you take him out, you could consider part-time schooling if the school are amendable. Maybe your son could just go in for his favourite lessons to start with? Other measures: can you make sure that he gets to sit with his friends? Does he have a helpful, supportive tutor who can keep an eye on him? Is there someone he can go to sit with (eg a house master) if he feels panicky during a lesson? Can you stay in the school (maybe sitting in reception) so that your son knows you are near? Your son needs tons of reassurance and understanding at the moment.

I have been through this and you do reach a limit where you cannot put yourself or your child through such trauma. It's unbelievably stressful.

In our case, we removed my son from secondary after one term and are now embarking on home education. It's going well so far and he is a lot happier. But it is a big commitment.

I've been in again this morning with him but he was hysterical and ran off so student services have said its out of their hands as of tomorrow and the education authority will end up taking me to court if I can't get him in. I've never felt this stressed in my life

Has he been in school education at primary? Has this just started at secondary or has he always suffered ? Also I would question the schools response not very supportive of a year 7 IMO ?

I would take him out, especially if the school are not being supportive.

Can your husband articulate why he is against HE?

My son is only 4, so a long way off secondary school, but I'm already preparing to HE if school gets too much for him (additional needs, so we are already aware it might be a problem)

He was fine all through primary school. Never liked it but always went. They are making him see the school nurse/ councillor tomorrow but I fear this may single him out from his peers. He's at home now getting stuck into the work they've given him. I don't think she was very supportive this morning but did say she was getting fed up with him now, maybe trying to bolster him up.

I think dh thinks home ed is something that will ds into some sort of isolated weirdo with no friends. I've explained that wouldn't be the case at all, I think we'd have a much happier, confident child. He won't even discuss it, just walks away from me saying I'm ridiculous.

Can't u try a different school?
Involve your son in selecting one that he might be happier going to?
Have time is one thing, but secondary curriculum? I'd be terrified!

I also think you should maybe try other schools.

Can he articulate what it is he hates so much about it?

How long has he been there?

How can she say fed up with him now after a few days wow she must love her job. Sorry OP no help but really??
However really need to get to the bottom of why he hates going so much. How was he on trial days, does his friends go there? Tutor group got friends in ? Talk to him.

Shaz - I really feel for you. That must be incredibly stressful. I wouldn't be able to resist shouting at telling my husband that, unless he could come up with a more robust argument, I was doing what I liked, because saying 'it's ridiculous' but not coming up with any other alternative is a bit shit, to be honest. Is your husband taking time off work to help you get your DS to school?

Can your DS articulate why he dislikes school so much? What it is he finds stressful? (I'm not asking you to tell me, BTW, it's just I know my DS finds it hard to articulate the reasons he doesn't like certain things.)

If you have the time and inclination, then HE is a perfectly acceptable option. I am a QT in secondary chemistry, (and, BTW, the only thing that my PGCE really taught me is that I am not cut out to teach in schools!!! haha!). There isn't much you can't cover with trips to museums and projects etc., You can always consider the option of a tutor for your less strong subjects.

I'm teaching secondary subjects. It's fine, honestly. I'm hiring a tutor for Maths because it's my weakest subject, but the rest I'm covering with workbooks, DVDs and trips out.

I can't believe what the school have said to you! The contrast with my DS1's school couldn't be more extreme. Of course nobody will take you to court - what a stupid thing to say! They need to involve the Education Outreach Worker, who should be supportive of your DS's difficulties, rather than aiming to prosecute you. This is what happened with us. Nobody ever told us we'd be going to court. Ridiculous!

And fancy saying she was getting fed up with him now. Unbelievable.

To be honest, the school sounds crap. I think the way they are dealing with this situation is a good indication of why your son may be so unhappy there. Would your DH contemplate you home educating temporarily whilst you look at different schools?

You may be interested in Mike Fortune-Wood's book "Can't Go Won't Go: An Alternative Approach to School Refusal". The author, who has a great deal of experience in helping families whose children find school distressing, says that he has reviewed the literature and has been unable to find any research to support the popular idea that children who are withdrawn from school as a result of school refusal will become isolated and socially inept.

In fact, the opposite seems to be true. Of the families he interviewed, not all continued with home education in the long run, but all said that a period of time out of school had been very helpful to their child.

I agree with onceortwice. Your dh really has no right to veto your proposed solution to your son's unhappiness unless he's prepared to take a more active role in sorting the problem out and give your suggestion serious consideration. Does he realise how unhappy your son is? Maybe a few weeks of taking your ds to school and going in to talk to the school staff himself would give him pause for thought.

Had a chat with DH about home ed and he isn't completely ruling it out now but says its the final option. He is going to take ds into school every morning for the next few weeks as ds acts a little braver for him. Ds says he can't explain why he feels this way but doesn't want to attend a different school as he will not know anyone. At least he has a couple of pals in his tutor group where he is now. Thanks for the book referral too.

Shazjack I?d suggest trying to find some h/e dads for D/h to talk to in terms of getting him educated about what home ed really is all about, in case you do need to at some point. He is the one being ridiculous, for not facing what he?s afraid of logically and finding out about it before dismissing it.

For many men, their son not coping with school equates with failure, and the idea of home ed equates with their son ending up ?weird?. It?s a very common view were I am, and is fear of the unknown.

We had the LEA threatening court too after school kept sending him home because he?d been battered in class, or marking him not there because he was turning up late having been beaten up on his way in. They offered an escort to get him in, but wouldn?t do anything about those attacking him. In the end they sent him home as ?no longer fit to attend? and told me to get a sick certificate from the Dr to that effect, then a week later demanded I write a letter saying I?d taken him out.

Being uninterested in why a child is having problems, and threatening parents rather than trying to resolve the child's difficulties, is a very poor school.

It is just attempted bullying, but you may want to quietly drop it to d/h that if it came to such action, (which would take a total lack of co-operation between school and yourselves to really happen) he?d get taken to court too.

H/e here (older teen) includes re building clutches, engines and gearboxes, welding, soldering and sailing, as part of physics, maths, sport and life skills. Possibly not the image of h/e your d/h has?