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Home ed

Find advice from other parents on our Homeschool forum. You may also find our round up of the best online learning resources useful.

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Original poster

Making friends, proper friends

16 replies

purlywhite · 02/09/2012 11:04

My son has been home educated since the beginning of the year, he is 12 and I removed him from school as he has some aen and was also subjected to some bullying and he couldn't cope.

I have taken him to home ed meets and we have been on some trips and although he has met people and chats to them etc, he still doesn't have a friend.

I have been thinking about this a lot over the summer, my older dd has had friends in and out but son hasn't had anyone. We live in a fairly rural location and there aren't any other kids his age in the village.

He told my mum the other day that he has never really had a proper friend and that's what he wants.

I know the general public think that socialisation is a big problem for home ed children, my personal experience is that it is very easy to find aquaintances, but anything a bit deeper is much harder.

Any ideas on what we could do to improve things?

OP posts:

ToffeeWhirl · 02/09/2012 12:21

I'm sorry your son is feeling lonely. It must be hard for him to see his older sister having her friends back when he doesn't have anyone. It sounds like you are doing the right things in taking your DS to meetings and trips. Could you invite any of the children from the local home ed groups over to your house or would that be too much for your DS? Does he have any particular interests that he could pursue where he would be able to 'bond' with other children with shared interests? My son loves Minecraft (an online game) and although he and his best friend get along anyway, this is the glue that binds them together as they always have something to talk about.

It is so much a matter of luck with friendship. My DS1 dipped in and out of friendships during primary school, but they never worked out. By his last year, he was lonely and miserable. Out of 30 children in his class, there wasn't one he felt was a friend. Then a new boy joined the class and hey presto! He'd found his new best friend. They just clicked and have been friends ever since. I expect the fact that they were both looking for a new friend helped bond them.

During his 'best-friendless' period, I encouraged DS1 to have children round to play so that at least he had company. He would have a good time with them even if they didn't click and it meant he felt 'normal'. In fact, I think quite a lot of children don't have a 'best friend' at this age. I was surprised recently when the mother of a very sociable girl of my DS's age confided in me that she (the little girl) had never had a best friend and felt the lack of it.

Would it be worth you posting on local HE boards asking if there are any other boys who share your DS's interests and would be willing to meet up? I posted on my local HE boards asking if there were any other boys of my son's age with his interests and was astonished to receive four replies from mothers of boys similar to my own. We will be meeting up next month.

I suppose the important thing is for you to just keep on providing him with opportunities and one day it will just happen.

maybeyoushoulddrive · 02/09/2012 12:38

What about joining scouts/the church/local rugby club? He might meet like minded children there and click with someone...

Original poster

purlywhite · 02/09/2012 12:42

We haven't actually met any home edders who live in or around our nearest town, which would obviously make meeting up easier. The group we have been attending is a good half hour drive and he has made a few friends although they are generally younger.

I have found that there seems to be a lot of stuff for primary age children and far less for secondary age. I suppose I should try and organise some stuff myself, but if we can't find any other children the same age, I'm going to struggle to get someone else along.

I have posted on all the groups and am on most facebook pages, I find it hard though, everyone else seems really pleased with all their social activities and the home ed life in general, I feel I was thrown into it as I had no other choice and I find it all quite hard and stressful. I just want ds to be happy and then I might cheer the fuck up myself.

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Original poster

purlywhite · 02/09/2012 12:44

He does attend a martial arts group, but that doesn't provide him any opportunity to socialise, it is a case of attending the lesson and leaving.

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bebanjo · 02/09/2012 13:27

i think you just have to put the time in yourself.
DD goes to rainbows, there is another home ed girl there.
DD has had a friend from rainbows over every week in the holls they even had a sleepover. the other home ed girl is going back to school as she has no friends.
you need a club that's all about friends moor than learning anything and you need to be proactive in having kids over.
where are you?

Original poster

purlywhite · 02/09/2012 13:34

I'm in Kent. The group we go to has a big range of ages and they get the chance to hang out and do whatever they feel like. He does like the children there, but he would love to meet someone his own age that lives near enough that we can meet up on a regular basis.

I'm quite happy to have kids over, it's just meeting someone in the first place that is proving the problem. I have 3 other children that are still in school and obviously have to cater for their needs as well.

I'm in Kent.

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ToffeeWhirl · 02/09/2012 13:36

Are you having second thoughts about home educating, purly? It sounds as if you are finding it hard going and resent being in this position. You have tried so many avenues to build up relationships and it must be very discouraging when nothing seems to work.

If your son was bullied, that must have had a terrible effect on his self esteem and it might take time for him to build up enough self confidence to make friends again. In the meantime, have you looked at the Kidscape website? They run courses on assertiveness training for children who have been bullied. More details here. I gave my son a book on dealing with friendships after he'd suffered bullying. It's called Bullies, Bigmouths and So-called Friends and I thought it had helpful advice without being patronising.

Maybe the two of you need to do more fun stuff together, just the two of you. We took DS1 on some trips when he was first out of school and he loved being with just DH and me (especially because his little brother was at school and he had our undivided attention for a change). It was actually good for him not to have the stress of trying to make friends for a change.

By the way, I have just started a thread for new home educators if you would like to join us for encouragement and general cheering up .

ToffeeWhirl · 02/09/2012 13:37

here

Original poster

purlywhite · 02/09/2012 13:57

If I'm honest, home ed was never going to be my first choice. I ended up doing it because it was obvious that ds was not coping with the school system and for his benefit, I needed to do something.

We have had the bullies book from the library, i thought it would be helpful for all of my children to read.

Ds is reaching the age where hormones are kicking in and together with his need to be right about absolutely everything, things are quite hard going at home. If he had a local friend he could let off some steam with, I think we'd all benefit.

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ToffeeWhirl · 02/09/2012 14:07

It wasn't my choice either, purly.

I'm glad you have found the bullies book already. I 'strewed' it in my son's room and noticed that it was quite well-thumbed.

It sounds as if you need a break. Does your son go to things where you can leave him and get away for a bit? I have to say, my son's friend provides me with a lot of breaks these days, as they go off to his house for hours at a time .

Also, is there any chance you could get away for a day or two yourself? I stayed overnight with a friend a few months back and found just one night away gave me new energy to deal with home stuff again.

Original poster

purlywhite · 02/09/2012 14:17

Hmm, I do get breaks, never seems like enough though. I am a single parent and although the kids do see their dad regularly, he seems to be for fun and frolics and doesn't get caught up in the day to day rubbish that I have to cope with. Also he hasn't had them any extra these holidays, so it's been a bit full on.

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ToffeeWhirl · 02/09/2012 14:36

That sounds tough. Maybe it will feel better when your DD is back at school and you have one less to worry about.

Original poster

purlywhite · 02/09/2012 15:05

Ha, 3 less to worry about, for a few hours a day anyway.

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ToffeeWhirl · 02/09/2012 15:13

No wonder you are tired! Roll on next week...

catnipkitty · 02/09/2012 15:24

Hi purlywhite
My kids are younger so I can't really help wrt secondary age type things I'm afraid, but just wanted to say a couple of things - firstly DD1 who is 8 and came out of school in March, never really coped with the social aspect of school and making friends and i've read recently that some children need help in learning social skills - eg body language, making eye contact, some converstaional strategies etc. Also, I think you have done an amazing thing for your son. Even tho HE isn't your 1st choice you have made the scarifice to do it for his sake and I'm sure if you continue to give him the opportunities to make friends, partic if he follows a particular interest and meets people with the same interests, he will make some good friends.
Good luck :)

Original poster

purlywhite · 02/09/2012 15:31

Thank you catnip. Hopefully ds will appreciate it one day, he seems to think I am here solely to wreck his life at the moment lol.

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