DS 15 refusing school / gaming addiction. Advice needed please.

[lou4791]

My 15 year old son has always been quite an introvert and disliked attention, but within the last few months he has become quite withdrawn. After being predicted top grades at the start of year 10, some of his grades have dropped significantly, and a few of his teachers are worried about him. He is also spending less and less time with the family and more time on his X Box in his room. This has been what he has been doing for most of the summer, even though he has been encouraged to join the rest of the family, with days out planned around him. The last time things reached a head, and his X Box was removed, he refused school , fitted a lock on his room, and took items of ours away in retaliation.
He is quite uncommunicative, but I have managed to draw some things out of him about how he feels. He says he is so self consious that he feels he can't even walk or talk in front of people without strong anxiety. He feels he has nothing to look forward to and feels like no one cares about him. He won't let me hug him and tells me to get out of his room ( I knock and wait for him to answer before going in).
I know the X Box needs to go or have strict sanctions put on it, but I am worried that as this is his 'drug' and only form of socialising, to remove it when he is at such a low point would push him over the edge. I feel I need advice on this from someone who specialises in addiction, but don't know where to turn for this.
He is refusing to go back to school tomorrow. From talking to him, I gather that there are no bullying issues as such, just dreadful low self esteem that is having a big impact on all areas of life.
I have promised i will help him, but i'm not sure where to turn. Has anyone had similar self esteem issues with their child and gone on to home educate?

Mmmm, I'm finding it concerning that so many boys are using the computer to relieve stress and anxiety. Firstly, shouldn't we be dealing with the stress and anxiety and there are children who are addicted to these games in a very unhealthy way. I find it bizarre that it is acceptable to be one these devices for such a long period to relieve stress and anxiety and yet we wouldn't let them comfort eat or take drugs to relieve stress and anxiety.

But it would give him and his parents a much-needed break, zebidee, and, besides, it doesn't sound as if he's able to cope with school at the moment anyway. I agree that he shouldn't be forced to go because of what a professional decrees. Parents should follow their instincts on this one.

Colleger - it is concerning, yes. I think boys tend not to have such well-developed social skills as girls and are more likely to turn to computers for escape when stressed. I think most people would agree that it isn't healthy to be on these devices for long periods and the op needs to wean her son off and help him to find better ways of spending his time and coping with stress, as julien did with her son.

I often wish I could disconnect all these devices in my house because, even with rules in place, they cause so many family arguments. The children always want more. We got rid of the Playstation and refused to buy them a Wii for this very reason. I do sometimes wonder if the entertainment and education they bring is worth all the hassle.

Absolutely agree that taking away the xbox is not a good idea. It does sound like he could have some kind of MH issue. Could you have a look at some info together and see what he thinks about going to the GP. Somewhere like this website might be a good place to start.

Good luck with everything, I hope your DS feels better soon.

I disagree it would provide a break, I think it would bring in an extra dimension of stress due to the expectation of 'returning'

I am biased in the matter due to personal experience and would go the route of least intervention, personally.

OP I hope you can see choices here and arent confused by all the various opinions. It is your sons life and something for the two of you to figure out together, hopefully you have some things to talk with him about :)

Thanks again for all your replies. It means a lot and is so helpful when others take the time to share their stories and advice. Sometimes these boards can feel like a lifeline in a crisis.

Apologies for taking so long to respond again. Trying to support my troubled teen while caring for a poorly baby and toddler has left very little typing time.

As an update- yesterday we went to the GP who has referred DS to Cahms.

Julie- is this classed as medicalisation, or is it more the medication as such that you were talking about as a negative approach? Thank you for the link of the Yahoo group and the offer of contacting you. Very kind. I may take you up on it- i'll see how things evolve in the next few days.

I have known the GP for many years and he has always been very good. However, he stressed in no uncertain terms about how it was important to get back to school quickly. Asking to be signed off was definitely not a possibility with him. I explained how it would be great if DS felt he could return, but that DS's mental health comes above anything, and I will back DS up and support his decisions. GP was not happy and i could feel the atmosphere change.

I have discussed with DS ways he can help himself- trying to eat well, sleep well, personal hygiene, reducing his gaming time if possible. He seems to have taken this on board. We discussed how excessive use of the X Box will not be helpful to his state of mind, but that is obviously a break for him and a coping mechanism for now.
He has told me how his friendships seem to have dropped away over the last few months, but he is not sure why. He says he has people to be with at school, so may not appear to others to be as lonely as he feels. These discussions were very one sided as he doesn't converse much, but it's something.

We hope to have a weekend of fun and family and on Monday i'll need a proper discussion with the school.

lou - yes, the "he must go back to school immediately" thing is very familiar. My son saw a psychiatrist for his anxiety and she would only sign him off for one week because she said the longer the child is off school the harder it is for them to go back. This is where you have to make a judgement. I can see that her statement is generally true for many children and that keeping life as normal as possible would be helpful for many who are suffering a bit of an upset. However, there are times when it is not possible for a child to go to school, just as it is sometimes impossible for an adult to go to work because of illness. After my son's week was up, we tried to get him to school. We would set off on the route and, within five minutes, he would be doubled up with stomach pains from the stress of going back. It was physically impossible to get him there. I don't know what the 'experts' think we should do then, but I took matters into my own hands and kept him at home. I'm not saying you should do that though. It's hard when you feel the disapproval of the professionals, but you are right to stress that you must do what is right for your son and it's brilliant that he would have heard you standing up for him like that.

Our GP did not agree to signing my son off immediately. It took a few visits.

It's also fantastic that you have been able to discuss the situation with your son. It must mean so much to him that you are being so supportive. Poor love, he does sound very lonely. Maybe his friendships have fallen away because of his low self esteem and unhappiness. I'm sure his friends probably like him just as much as ever, but if he is unable to join in with the daily banter because he's feeling sad, he probably gets a bit left out. Could he have one friend over one day, when he's feeling up to it?

I hope you have a good, relatively relaxing weekend (troubled teen, toddler, baby ). Good luck with the school on Monday. If they are good, they should provide you and your son with support.

It is brilliant that you are so on the ball with this, in spite of your commitments to your other children. Your teen is very lucky to have you as his mum.

Jumping in late to this thread.

I disagree that taking him out of school would be a disaster. He sounds in many ways like a lot of children who have Aspergers who are miserable at school. (not saying your ds has OP but you might want to rule it out. A diagnoses or knowledge is sometimes very helpful simply to help a parent understand how their dc experiences the world)
I think it is rare that HE doesnt benefit a child.

I agree his gaming is a symptom not a cause.
Being a teenager is hard - especially if you are shy and have low self esteem.

I also agree listen to JulieNoShoes she is very wise :)

I hope you continue listening to him whenever he wants to talk as that will help him enormously.

I'm sorry to disagree with the consensus on this thread but I think the gaming IS quite likely to be part of your DS's depression, a cause not a symptom although each feeding into the other like a drug addiction.

I know a girl who got addicted to PS, could literally not function without it. PS taken on holiday, had be turned on before breakfast or the whole place was in turmoil with screaming and so on. She withdrew from normal social function and immersed herself in this world. She ended up on a 12 step programme for addiction.

Posters who are saying that the XBox is part of a coping strategy probably wouldn't take that view if the coping strategy was drugs or drink. Obviously, gaming isn't as physically harmful as either of those but can be mentally and socially destroying for the person addicted and the people around them.

OP, apologies if I've really overstated the problem as applicable to your DS, every situation different, etc.

Posters who are saying that the XBox is part of a coping strategy probably wouldn't take that view if the coping strategy was drugs or drink.

No, but I doubt anyone would be suggesting he go cold turkey either. Happy people with no self-esteem issues do not usually become drug or alcohol addicts. There is usually an underlying cause so that needs looking into first. It's likely that the OP's DS will see his Xbox being taken away as punishment and IMO it would not be fair on him without first getting some help.

Exactly- treat the underlying cause first and then cut down on XBox.

I suppose what I was trying to say is in a situation where someone is addicted to gaming very many serious problems will stem from that addiction. Depression, withdrawal, insomnia and anxiety can all result.

In some cases, what might look like people using gaming as a refuge from difficult teenage life is in fact gaming destroying normal teenage life.

I have to agree that this is in the wrong topic. You might be missing out on some valuable advice. (Maybe ask MNHQ to put it in Parenting?)

I have been thinking about this and have decided to contradict myself!

Julienoshoes is wise but so is maryz.

I think time out from school can be very helpful but obviously it results in a lack of routine/motivation to do anything.........
And coupled with a boy who doesnt like leaving his room that is obviously a worry.

Ho hum its tricky

Ultimately you need to find ways to encourage your ds through this 'tunnel' and out through the other end.
Talking and listening are gong to be key.

The XBox is something to tackle later.marz is quite right in comparing it to drugs and you have to get the underlying problem first.
I think that it was posted in the wrong place and another board would have been better. If he lived in julienoshoes area I expect that he could slot nicely in, sadly all HE areas are not like that. I am more inclined to stick with school and work with them because it is a normality in his life - something to get up for and give a purpose for the day. Keeping communication open is important. Taking away the XBox is not solving the problem and may make it worse.

The op posted in 'Mental Health Issues' as well. I'm sure she's trying to get as wide a range of viewpoints as possible.

blue - what a helpful post .