Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Home ed

Find advice from other parents on our Homeschool forum. You may also find our round up of the best online learning resources useful.

DS 15 refusing school / gaming addiction. Advice needed please.

45 replies

lou4791 · 29/08/2012 17:19

My 15 year old son has always been quite an introvert and disliked attention, but within the last few months he has become quite withdrawn. After being predicted top grades at the start of year 10, some of his grades have dropped significantly, and a few of his teachers are worried about him. He is also spending less and less time with the family and more time on his X Box in his room. This has been what he has been doing for most of the summer, even though he has been encouraged to join the rest of the family, with days out planned around him. The last time things reached a head, and his X Box was removed, he refused school , fitted a lock on his room, and took items of ours away in retaliation.
He is quite uncommunicative, but I have managed to draw some things out of him about how he feels. He says he is so self consious that he feels he can't even walk or talk in front of people without strong anxiety. He feels he has nothing to look forward to and feels like no one cares about him. He won't let me hug him and tells me to get out of his room ( I knock and wait for him to answer before going in).
I know the X Box needs to go or have strict sanctions put on it, but I am worried that as this is his 'drug' and only form of socialising, to remove it when he is at such a low point would push him over the edge. I feel I need advice on this from someone who specialises in addiction, but don't know where to turn for this.
He is refusing to go back to school tomorrow. From talking to him, I gather that there are no bullying issues as such, just dreadful low self esteem that is having a big impact on all areas of life.
I have promised i will help him, but i'm not sure where to turn. Has anyone had similar self esteem issues with their child and gone on to home educate?

OP posts:
wolvesdidit · 29/08/2012 17:31

He has mental health issues. You need to see a GP as soon as possible.

cazboldy · 29/08/2012 17:34

home edd ing will surely make it worse Confused

take the x box away

fine for him to have a degree of privacy. but a lock on his door! no way!

he needs to understand that he doesn't make the rules, you do!

have you spoken to him about it?

have you spoken to the school about it?

It seems like 2 separate problems to me

ommmward · 29/08/2012 18:02

I would definitely take school out of the equation, myself, and do whatever you can to help him get help. Something is really really really bothering him. Worth remembering that in 3 years he'll be officially "an adult". The sooner you help him take control - good control - of his life, the better. If that means not going to school, then fine. Find out what he'd like to do instead, and help him do more of that. And for a few months, while he works through whatever is bothering him, that might mean a lot of x-box.

There's a book called the teenage liberation handbook: how to quit school and get a life. That might be useful for both of you.

And yes, look into some sort of counselling for him if he's willing to accept it.

julienoshoes · 29/08/2012 18:16

My lad was mad about his PS, when he was nearly 14 and in school. He too was desperate to get home from family days out-even treats like Alton Towers that he used to adore. In fact he preferred not to go out at all....
He was so very stressed and actually suicidal-which is why when I realised that he felt like that, we took him seriously and deregistered him and his siblings from school, the very day that I found out that home education was a legal viable option.

He was able to tell me -much later- that the PS was an escape from the reality of his life.
We didn't take it off him, when we started home educating. He was free to choose to play or not, but we got him to come out to home ed meetings at least once to try them all out-I told him, he'd have the choice whether or not to go again.
Many of the meetings we went to were with DS stuck to my shoulder saying "Can we go home now? When are we going home? Is it time to go home yet?"

BUT there was one meeting where he felt comfortable...and we went to that every week. Teens there suggested other games to play, that i could feel happy with (I liked to look for more educational content in those days) and he played a lot of Baldur's Gate from there he went onto other role playing games and Warhammer. Allowing him to do all of this, and without pressure to do formal work, or anything else, gave him back control of his life....and he began to socialise on his own terms....and slowly slowly one step at a time my lad came back to the person he was before.

When you home educate, there is no pushing of someone else's timetable. You don't have to do formal work at all. There is no race to do 12 GCSEs aged 16. You don't have to do them at all. My lad did 2 GCSEs post 16 at FE college and then used those to do A levels. He did an Access course then and is at Uni now, reading Psychology, living happily and with a fabulous social life, and getting really good results. He even shocked me by taking himself off to Canada on his own to meet a friend out there, this summer. He's done it all in his own time, when he was ready, not when other people said he should.

Not medicalising his condition worked for us-and has worked for other stressed teenagers I know, who were consequently taken out of school too.
Taking the stress out of their lives...school... works for so many children-I get phone calls from other mothers as desperate as you for an answer quite often OP.

I think it's a fair bet that there us just one problem here... school...

There is a book you may be interested in called "Can't go Won't Go"
"It suggests that the current trend to either medicalise or demonise children who refuse to go to school will only add to society's problems as well as damaging the individuals concerned. Fortune-Wood goes on to document an alternative approach; that of removing children from school to home educate them, suggesting that far from leading to disaster (as professionals often predict) this can become a life enhancing decision."

there is also an yahoo email support group you may be interested in on School Refusal

I am presuming you like me have talked to the school endlessly about your son's problems. But if you decide to home educate him, I wouldn't bother talking to the school about it. Discussing HE with most schools is like asking a butcher for his views on vegetarianism!

If it would help to talk to someone who has been there in real life and taken the child out of school, I can be contacted directly [[
[email protected] here]]

julienoshoes · 29/08/2012 18:22

and yes I'd definitely second Ommwards suggestion of the

The Teenage Liberation Handbook: How to Quit School and Get a Real Life and Education -I have literally just recommended it somewhere else! I found it SO useful!

one review says:
"I was thrilled to come across this genius book. It should be required reading, not just for teens, but for parents, teachers and every human in western society. We need to wake up to the impact 'education' in institutions is having on us as a species. This book has so many useful resources. I really can't recommend it enough. Simply brilliant. I'm giving this to all my friends who want to take the leap into unschooling"

Colleger · 29/08/2012 18:44

He doesn't communicate with you but he has communicated that he doesn't want to go back to school. Remove all the computers, phone games, everything like that and put it in the attic. Then let him stay at home, get bored and start looking for things to do, which may include wanting to go back to school.

julienoshoes · 29/08/2012 18:56

I disagree entirely with those saying take away his possessions.
He's telling you school is a problem....somehow it is, or he wouldn't be refusing to go.
He's trying to get control back in the only way he knows. Poor lad is asking for help.
I can't see how punishing him will help in the slightest. What on earth has he done to make you take away all his possessions? That really wouldn't help him believe you care about him.
He needs a parent on his side, listening to his concerns and taking action to remove the stress in my (unfortunately now quite wide) experience and opinion.

exoticfruits · 29/08/2012 19:13

I would see the GP as soon as possible and get professional help. Taking away his possessions isn't going to solve anything. I would take school out of the equation at the moment and see if you have a thriving HE community with teenagers-not all areas do. Be guided by the help that he gets.

Colleger · 29/08/2012 19:40

We would take drugs or anything else we think is damaging our child away. It can be done in a constructive way. Computers are having a massive detrimental problem on both my sons' health, creativity, motivation and behaviour and I don't think we should be thinking of them merely as toys or possessions.

exoticfruits · 29/08/2012 19:42

He says he is so self consious that he feels he can't even walk or talk in front of people without strong anxiety. He feels he has nothing to look forward to and feels like no one cares about him. He won't let me hug him

That is the part that you really need to worry about-taking away computers etc isn't going to solve it. He needs professional help.

lou4791 · 29/08/2012 19:50

Thank you for quick the replies.

I had planned to call the GP in the morning. I am not keen on medication but a referrel for councelling may be of help, or maybe even CAMHS?

He no longer has the lock on his door. He put it on for a few days months ago when I took away his X Box. I do believe gaming is part of the problem, but would like to remove/ reduce it in partnership with him. It has become excessive and can't be doing his growing brain any good at all.

OP posts:
ommmward · 29/08/2012 20:09

it's a symptom not a cause. listen to julie. she's very wise. :)

exoticfruits · 29/08/2012 20:14

I agree that it is the symptom and not the cause. It would be nice to think that every area had HE groups like julie's but sadly they don't. The GP is the first call - try not to get medication- it isn't the answer.

chocolatecrispies · 29/08/2012 20:22

As others have said he sounds severely depressed, and I would see the xbox as a symptom not a cause - taking it away is likely to lead to worse depression not an improvement, and will reinforce any belief he might have that you are against him. How can you make him feel you are working for and with him? There are some interesting studies looking at addiction as a function of environment, maybe someone else will have a link -basically they found that rats in a fun exciting environment didn't choose drugs, even when already dependent, whilst those in a deprived environment did. I would focus on your relationship with him and how you can improve that and listen to him, and removing his coping strategies will definitely not help with that. I refused to go to school and my parents were told to make home boring - I was bored and depressed for 2 years. He is communicating something to you with his behaviour, and it sounds like it is that he is very unhappy.

julienoshoes · 29/08/2012 22:53

Our area didn't have the HE groups it has now, when we first started. We travelled a long way in the first instance.
In fact I didn't know anything at all about home education groups when I took them out of school. I had literally only just found out that it was a legal option that day! I knew nothing other than I had to get him out of that place. Whatever I did had got to be better than school for him at that point.

and personally I'd be inclined to take school out of the equation and see if that does relieve much of the stress and then decide if he needs any sort of medical intervention.
School out of the equation often changes everything dramatically for the better!

Good post cholcolatecrispies

ToffeeWhirl · 30/08/2012 02:21

Poor boy. He sounds desperately unhappy and not at all fit for school at present. If I were you, I would get him signed off school with anxiety for the present, whilst you consider your options. Home education is one of them, but there are other possibilities, which the school may consider if your son is having medical problems, eg. flexible learning (ie. going into school for just a few lessons) or learning at home through the LEA.

"He says he is so self consious that he feels he can't even walk or talk in front of people without strong anxiety. He feels he has nothing to look forward to and feels like no one cares about him. He won't let me hug him".

I agree with exoticfruits that this is the issue here and this is what you need to discuss with the GP.

My eldest son (12) also suffers from anxiety. It's crippling. For quite a long time, like your son, he would stay in his room all day and play 'Minecraft' on the computer. He told me it provided an escape from the stress of his daily life. I was very concerned about his 'addiction' to it, but taking it away completely actually made his stress levels worse. In his case, school was a major exacerbating factor and he ended up refusing to go. He was educated through the LEA for a few months, which is why I mention it earlier, but in his case this didn't suit him and we later deregistered him. However, he is only 12, whereas your son is 15 and approaching GCSEs, so you may need to make a different decision.

I coped with the Minecraft addiction by setting clear limits on computer usage and offering other activities as much as possible. Most of these were rejected and, for a long time, my son would rather sit and stare into space than read, go out for a walk or talk. However, things are improving. Walking a neighbour's dog proved to be a great distraction from the computer and has had nothing less than a miraculous effect on my son (providing him with company, affection and exercise on a daily basis). He is finally getting the colour back in his cheeks.

If I were you, my first step would be to visit the GP and ask him/her to sign your son off school for stress (our GP did this for my son for several months). Ask for a referral to CAMHS as they are the gateway to counselling and medication, if this is necessary. I take julienoshoes's point about not medicalising your child, but there are times when we all need modern medicine. This is down to your judgement, of course, but in my son's case he was so anxious that normal life was impossible for him without medication and I felt it would have been cruel to have refused it (when I say normal life, I mean that he was unable to leave his room or see anyone apart from family for several months and was in a constant state of heightened anxiety and OCD behaviour, which was agony to witness).

I think colleger's suggestion of taking your son's computers, phone games, etc away would actually be very dangerous for your son at the moment and I wouldn't suggest you do that at all. I have forced my son to go 'cold turkey' in the past and would not do it again. Now I insist on moderation when he uses the computer and I continue to encourage other activities, as julienoshoes describes she did with her son, but I don't remove the computer completely.

More than anything, at the moment, your son needs to know you are on his side. You don't want him to feel you are against him. He may not show any appreciation for your kindness and concern towards him - he probably isn't capable of this because he is so wrapped up in his own issues, poor boy - but it is the best thing you can do for him and he will appreciate it one day.

You don't mention friends. Does your son have at least one friend that he sees? This can make all the difference.

Let us know how you get on. Having been through all this with my son, I do feel for you.

exoticfruits · 30/08/2012 07:04

That sounds great advice, ToffeeWhirl, I hope all goes well OP- you have taken the first step by acknowledging that taking away the computer etc isn't the answer.

exoticfruits · 30/08/2012 07:06

I'm sure that the feeling that you are on his side and you are going to help is a great positive.

zebidee · 30/08/2012 09:10

What sort of games does he play? Does he have friends who also play? Is it only over xbox live? Would he consent to having friends over to play the same games (i.e. if it's Call of Duty can they play co-op/spec-ops together in the same room or play deathmatch on splitscreen?)

I suggest this as a way to help him deal with his anxiety and boost his self esteem. He obviously gets a lot out of playing his games, can they be used to help him deal with what's troubling him? Playing with people, in the same room, preferably co-operatively (so that there is face to face feedback, and bonding) can be very healing to someone feeling very low. It's an easy way into socialising that is safer than being dumped in a room with someone!

Don't lose the games, they are not complete rubbish. Use them. Like Julie says, they are a way to make friends, and if he can branch out from sticking to just one sort of game then he might be able to break out of the feedback loop of the relief the gaming gives him and find other things that give him the same fulfilment.

tiggy114 · 30/08/2012 09:41

Havn't read all the comments but my son uses his computer as an escape from stress and anxiety. He needs it and would be distraught if i removed it as it's part of his coping strategy. My advice would be to take him out of school. If he's not so anxious, he may come off the comp more all by himself. He can do a few gcse's online but lets face it you only need them in order to access college. Take off the pressure and he might be less stressed and much happier. Also at his age, i didn't wanna go on family days out either, i think it's just part of being a teenager.

usualsuspect · 30/08/2012 09:43

I agree with julienoshoes, he needs help not punishment.

zebidee · 30/08/2012 09:46

p.s. am advocating Home Ed for him too, but research as much as possible and get it clear in your head the reasons you want to do it for and have an idea what different approaches there are. See what he thinks about it. I would have jumped at the chance at his age.

ToffeeWhirl · 30/08/2012 09:48

That's a good point, zebidee. My son Skypes his best friend when they are not together and they chat whilst they play Minecraft. Other boys from DS's former school also join in and they all chat together online. At a time when DS couldn't go out at all, this meant that he didn't feel completely isolated.

zebidee · 30/08/2012 09:49

Also, getting him signed off with 'stress' might not be helpful, as the methods used to get him back to school afterwards might be just as damaging as continuing the way he is - i.e. forcing him to go no matter what because an arbitrary person/method says 'he should be fine by now...'

usualsuspect · 30/08/2012 09:50

Lots of teenage use the internet to talk to their friends, taking that away from him will make him even more depressed and isolated.